Tuesday 22nd November 2011
7:32pm
It's been a while since I last blogged, have no idea why I suddenly had the urge to "express myself via blogger!"
Next week I will find myself in London, talking to professionals about my honest opinions of a project my mum took part in when I was in the depths of my anorexia. I still think at times she uses it, but that's up to her really.
My anorexia seems to be under control - I hate this time of year. The dark nights and cold really don't suit me at all, it drags me down too much and makes me think too much about the past and what happened to me even more when I was 13 a trigger to me anorexia and something which today I really won't often talk about.
I'm guessing most of you have heard the Jar of Hearts song by Christina Perri, I've found that the lyrics have really linked with my recovery journey from my anorexia (I've added it in) when I do a conference I try and use music a lot to express exactly what is happening with my head and I seem to be able to explain to people much more easier like this. So I'll leave it with you to read and have a think about at the end.
Work has been going really well - so much so that I have decided that I'm going to uni in 2012 to do Counselling - I have no idea what the hell has brought this sudden urge to want to go but I'm doing it at my pace. I'm going to live at home as I know if I did go away to live at uni I wouldn't eat properly or at all to be honest. Education is a massive trigger and I would totally lose touch with the outside world, my OCD, anorexia and uni life would literally just take over. The thought of going back there scares me but the thought of losing the people around me who I have now scares me even more.
Life moves in mysterious ways, I really do believe that I got ill for a reason, despite the shit which it has caused and the mess which it has left me I've become a much better person because of it. My anorexia has had a lot of damaging affects on me, which I'm aware of and it really hits me more when over people mention it to me, the fact that it's noticeable.
Like I promised will leave the song lyrics to read and have a think about.
Rach xxx
Jar Of Hearts lyrics
Christina Perri
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes
I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Saturday 22 October 2011
Flicking through facebook photos
Saturday 22nd October 2011
8:15pm
It's crazy how much photos tell me about where I was at a particular point in my life. I can tell what time of year it is without having to look at a date. Why? My weight says it all.
Photos started popping up on facebook of photos which I've not viewed in a while. I think I do shock myself at how badly my weight fluctuates - even within a few weeks. It's something which yes I am aware of but it scares the hell out of me when I see myself only a few weeks ago looking gaunt. The thing is now is that I notice it so much more when the previous years I would have just thought I looked fat on all of them and never seeing the gaunt side of myself.
I love the fact that now I notice when I'm having a bad time and I seek the help which I know I really need.
On Thursday we had the North West Positive Action Awards 2011, which recognises the hard which which people but in the help disabled people. The awards are really inspiring and just show how much times are changing. My bestest friend ever :p sang as always truly beautifully and again leaving me in tears. Naomi is truly inspirational stuck by me through thick and thin (pun not intended) I really don't think I would be so positive about myself or the people who I have around me.
I've had a series of interviews over the past few months and yesterday I actually managed to get another part time job :) I still find myself with the comfort of WDP and love the fact that opportunities are being opened and I'm showing myself that I can believe in myself and I can achieve things in life.
I have to accept that maybe I will be different from everyone else, but that makes people interesting right? My mental health will always be a major part of my life, being classed as in recovery doesn't make much difference, I could be in recovery for the rest of my life and I really wish people would realise this. Life is a battle, but it's one which I'm fighting for one and enjoy what I have a head of me!
Rach
xxxx
8:15pm
It's crazy how much photos tell me about where I was at a particular point in my life. I can tell what time of year it is without having to look at a date. Why? My weight says it all.
Photos started popping up on facebook of photos which I've not viewed in a while. I think I do shock myself at how badly my weight fluctuates - even within a few weeks. It's something which yes I am aware of but it scares the hell out of me when I see myself only a few weeks ago looking gaunt. The thing is now is that I notice it so much more when the previous years I would have just thought I looked fat on all of them and never seeing the gaunt side of myself.
I love the fact that now I notice when I'm having a bad time and I seek the help which I know I really need.
On Thursday we had the North West Positive Action Awards 2011, which recognises the hard which which people but in the help disabled people. The awards are really inspiring and just show how much times are changing. My bestest friend ever :p sang as always truly beautifully and again leaving me in tears. Naomi is truly inspirational stuck by me through thick and thin (pun not intended) I really don't think I would be so positive about myself or the people who I have around me.
I've had a series of interviews over the past few months and yesterday I actually managed to get another part time job :) I still find myself with the comfort of WDP and love the fact that opportunities are being opened and I'm showing myself that I can believe in myself and I can achieve things in life.
I have to accept that maybe I will be different from everyone else, but that makes people interesting right? My mental health will always be a major part of my life, being classed as in recovery doesn't make much difference, I could be in recovery for the rest of my life and I really wish people would realise this. Life is a battle, but it's one which I'm fighting for one and enjoy what I have a head of me!
Rach
xxxx
Sunday 2 October 2011
Autumn is here?
Sunday 2nd October 2011
8:18pm
Life works in strange ways. For so long I have been pushed to do things, things which really I'm not comfortable doing or that I really want to do. Deep down I know what's right for me but it's finding the strength to actually tell people to just step back and let me breathe.
I may have moved back to my mum and dad's house, but the months away is something I had to do. Despite the crap which people were spouting about me to each other and making up their own stories only I knew the reasons why I was doing what I was doing and the people which I truly trusted. Like anyone I make decisions which others may disagree with but life would be boring if we were all the same.
It was a strange way to end September and begin October with the heat wave! Something which in my head really didn't add up. September/ October are meant to be cold, not too cold but the months when the really thick pjs come out. So their being a heat wave when it really wasn't welcome was just weird and completely messed with how I was feeling and how to cope. I know Autumn brings my mood down rapidly and my depression seems to become much worse but I've got used to that now, some people may just feel crap because of the weather but it's a whole lot more for me. I suppose 6 years ago my anorexia was starting to get noticed and another one of my triggers happened around this time, one which still I struggle to talk about a lot but something which on my own I'm coming to terms with.
October welcomed me with bruises! Why!? I was stupid enough to agree to go paint balling with tom and his friends from uni - it was really good though to be out but god when you get hit does it hurt! I have bruises which I had no idea could even appear and I'm aching all over!
It also welcomed me to the rest of my mum's side of the family the "asbridge" clan! My grandad was one of ten boys so you can imagine how large the family is! Things like this are a massive fright to me, I have to contend with trying not to look like the one "who struggles" or make is completely obvious my complete lack of interest in food. I personally believe that I did well, I coped despite feeling completely paranoid that I was being watched and stared at by what seemed like millions of sets of eyes! The question came up "what do you do then Rach!?" I'd introduced Tom with so much pride - he was mine and I suppose I did feel like I was showing him off but he knows how awkward I find gatherings of people, and it doesn't matter who they are (which may sound horrible but I can't wait for the sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach to go!) I started of explaining that I worked for a Charity, I had made a decision earlier on that I wasn't going to mention it to anyone I hoped no one had told people that I was the one who had the "mental health issues - who was the anorexic" but I realised while I was talking that I really shouldn't be ashamed, anorexia is as sad as it sounds part of my life it's a major part of my past and a small part of my future. The shock in many people's faces is really hard to describe but I was described as an inspiration, I was told that they couldn't believe what I had been through and was so open to talk to others about my journey and talk about the bits which others don't want to mention.
Seeing Pete (a major part of the reunion) was great - I look forward to him coming over each time it is mentioned, he has done what I want to do move - Live in New Zealand! Sounds sad hey but ever since I was little, even before I had properly met Pete moving to Oz or NZ has been a major passion of mine, and one day I will do it, I may not be able to live out there you don't know how circumstances change but I'm determined to travel round and appreciate what is out there! However, I may be a bit to big now to travel round in a kangaroos pouch like a joey! (the dreams of a 4 year old!)
So Autumn is supposed to be here, I look forward to see what it brings! Life isn't built in a straight line there are millions of curves and bumps but I am determined to get through a prove so many people wrong.
Rach
xxx
8:18pm
Life works in strange ways. For so long I have been pushed to do things, things which really I'm not comfortable doing or that I really want to do. Deep down I know what's right for me but it's finding the strength to actually tell people to just step back and let me breathe.
I may have moved back to my mum and dad's house, but the months away is something I had to do. Despite the crap which people were spouting about me to each other and making up their own stories only I knew the reasons why I was doing what I was doing and the people which I truly trusted. Like anyone I make decisions which others may disagree with but life would be boring if we were all the same.
It was a strange way to end September and begin October with the heat wave! Something which in my head really didn't add up. September/ October are meant to be cold, not too cold but the months when the really thick pjs come out. So their being a heat wave when it really wasn't welcome was just weird and completely messed with how I was feeling and how to cope. I know Autumn brings my mood down rapidly and my depression seems to become much worse but I've got used to that now, some people may just feel crap because of the weather but it's a whole lot more for me. I suppose 6 years ago my anorexia was starting to get noticed and another one of my triggers happened around this time, one which still I struggle to talk about a lot but something which on my own I'm coming to terms with.
October welcomed me with bruises! Why!? I was stupid enough to agree to go paint balling with tom and his friends from uni - it was really good though to be out but god when you get hit does it hurt! I have bruises which I had no idea could even appear and I'm aching all over!
It also welcomed me to the rest of my mum's side of the family the "asbridge" clan! My grandad was one of ten boys so you can imagine how large the family is! Things like this are a massive fright to me, I have to contend with trying not to look like the one "who struggles" or make is completely obvious my complete lack of interest in food. I personally believe that I did well, I coped despite feeling completely paranoid that I was being watched and stared at by what seemed like millions of sets of eyes! The question came up "what do you do then Rach!?" I'd introduced Tom with so much pride - he was mine and I suppose I did feel like I was showing him off but he knows how awkward I find gatherings of people, and it doesn't matter who they are (which may sound horrible but I can't wait for the sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach to go!) I started of explaining that I worked for a Charity, I had made a decision earlier on that I wasn't going to mention it to anyone I hoped no one had told people that I was the one who had the "mental health issues - who was the anorexic" but I realised while I was talking that I really shouldn't be ashamed, anorexia is as sad as it sounds part of my life it's a major part of my past and a small part of my future. The shock in many people's faces is really hard to describe but I was described as an inspiration, I was told that they couldn't believe what I had been through and was so open to talk to others about my journey and talk about the bits which others don't want to mention.
Seeing Pete (a major part of the reunion) was great - I look forward to him coming over each time it is mentioned, he has done what I want to do move - Live in New Zealand! Sounds sad hey but ever since I was little, even before I had properly met Pete moving to Oz or NZ has been a major passion of mine, and one day I will do it, I may not be able to live out there you don't know how circumstances change but I'm determined to travel round and appreciate what is out there! However, I may be a bit to big now to travel round in a kangaroos pouch like a joey! (the dreams of a 4 year old!)
So Autumn is supposed to be here, I look forward to see what it brings! Life isn't built in a straight line there are millions of curves and bumps but I am determined to get through a prove so many people wrong.
Rach
xxx
Friday 23 September 2011
support ...
Friday 23rd September 2011
10:03am
The best few weeks have been crazy, I don't think I've ever had so many emotions which I've had to deal with while I've been in recovery. Normally I would stop eating completely not just miss a few meals or start to self harm. It helped a lot I suppose, but recently I suppose I've learnt how to use the support around me.
I've finally realised the power of talking to my support network! A lot of people whether they want to admit it or not do not understand mental health and how important attachments are within relationships. You know what you will get of each person and understand a lot more the help which they are offer you. It maybe deemed as unhealthy to many people over the relationships I have or who I choose to talk to but trust is a major issue. I personally find it hard to get on with new people, it's the uncertainty of what they will do or how they act to my problems I may come across rude but it's something which as you get to know me why I am that way at first.
The past couple of weeks I suppose I had a bit of a role reversal which was a shock to the system, I become the therapist for a weekend. However it helped me understand how important having people around are and giving back the time which people have spent with me when I've been so low.
Having people around it so important and it's important for those who may be trapped in a system that when they finally see the light and come out the support is there despite how hard it is to admit that you have been wrong. A humans it's something which we are prone to do but the benefits come back to you. People become more open and realise what they have thought is actually wrong and simply because of the place which they were in. However, it's also important not to forget the people on the outside getting worried about those who may have been in trouble without realising, it's giving support when relief finally is able to escape and a nightmare which friends and family may have been in can make the person struggling pull through.
Anyone can experience mental health issues, it's not the weak and the vulnerable but it's also the people who may come across as strong and untouchable. It annoys me when people are stigmatised due to who they are.
I wish I could track my mood in a graph on a daily basis, it would be interesting to see when the mood dips start to hit and how I could possibly come out of them. Life is a strange thing, something which I know and probably many other know how precious it is but yet we choose to do strange things with it.
Support is important and you have to take it, even if you are really not wanting it, take it, that hug or chat or kiss on the head can make a big difference to a day.
Something to think about ....
Rach
x
10:03am
The best few weeks have been crazy, I don't think I've ever had so many emotions which I've had to deal with while I've been in recovery. Normally I would stop eating completely not just miss a few meals or start to self harm. It helped a lot I suppose, but recently I suppose I've learnt how to use the support around me.
I've finally realised the power of talking to my support network! A lot of people whether they want to admit it or not do not understand mental health and how important attachments are within relationships. You know what you will get of each person and understand a lot more the help which they are offer you. It maybe deemed as unhealthy to many people over the relationships I have or who I choose to talk to but trust is a major issue. I personally find it hard to get on with new people, it's the uncertainty of what they will do or how they act to my problems I may come across rude but it's something which as you get to know me why I am that way at first.
The past couple of weeks I suppose I had a bit of a role reversal which was a shock to the system, I become the therapist for a weekend. However it helped me understand how important having people around are and giving back the time which people have spent with me when I've been so low.
Having people around it so important and it's important for those who may be trapped in a system that when they finally see the light and come out the support is there despite how hard it is to admit that you have been wrong. A humans it's something which we are prone to do but the benefits come back to you. People become more open and realise what they have thought is actually wrong and simply because of the place which they were in. However, it's also important not to forget the people on the outside getting worried about those who may have been in trouble without realising, it's giving support when relief finally is able to escape and a nightmare which friends and family may have been in can make the person struggling pull through.
Anyone can experience mental health issues, it's not the weak and the vulnerable but it's also the people who may come across as strong and untouchable. It annoys me when people are stigmatised due to who they are.
I wish I could track my mood in a graph on a daily basis, it would be interesting to see when the mood dips start to hit and how I could possibly come out of them. Life is a strange thing, something which I know and probably many other know how precious it is but yet we choose to do strange things with it.
Support is important and you have to take it, even if you are really not wanting it, take it, that hug or chat or kiss on the head can make a big difference to a day.
Something to think about ....
Rach
x
Tuesday 30 August 2011
end of august!
Tuesday 30th August 2011
9:38pm
I can't believe already it's the end of August! One day left, and September begins. With a million opportunities and probably a billion challenges! Am I ready to chase them? Too bloody right I am.
I'm finally living life independently, finding myself and trusting my own thoughts and judgements on life. I no longer allow myself to give into the thoughts and mind sets which my anorexia or others lead me in to.
August has been fab! I've finally entered my 20's and can't wait to see what it brings, hopefully not the shit which entering my teens brought me!! I went proper camping for the first time ever! It was so good. I really enjoyed it, probably too much! It was cold and wet, but I had the company of three lovely people :) The nights were ace, curled up on a camp chair watching films, drinking alcohol and talking utter crap! I have to admit I loved going to bed each night and just snuggling right into Tom. It felt so normal, and I felt so safe, which probably explained why last night my sleep was so weird as I had got used to Tom being there, but since we've been going out it's always been the same! Me and Jayne went and had our feet eaten by fish which was the strangest thing ever, it was the highlight of my weekend watching Jayne freak out over it all, if it hadn't been for Jayne amusing me I think I would have been exactly the same and my fish were about three times the size!! - then we got back and found a massive spider about four times the size of my fish in the bottom of a shopping bag, I may be vegetarian but I would have happily squished the bugga to make sure it didn't re-enter the tent and eat me in the night!
It's been hard having my Grandad in hospital the last couple of weeks, but he seems to be doing better, and me and tom are going up tomorrow to see him again - there is a possibility that he may be home on Friday, but I'm obviously worried about the impact this will have on my Nan. She is losing her sight and I really don't think the pressure will help but I'm guessing that the hospital will sort out the care which may need to follow my Grandad in order to help for the short term. I suppose it has brought a lot of the thoughts about my Great Gran back and knowing that if the worst did happen how would I cope. But fingers crossed he will be back to his usual self ASAP!! minus all the whisky!!
I would love to be able to jump to September 5th ... why? It's my Great Gran's 101st birthday on the 4th and I still miss her, probably a lot more than I should. A lot of people have told me I'm completely silly for still struggling to come to the terms with the fact that she isn't coming back, but it's days like these special ones which I find so hard. I've kept my self free that day, I don't want to be promising myself to anyone. We have a couple of events for work over that weekend but I'd rather just be able to come and go. People cope it different ways, and this is the one which I've learnt to do without resulting in injuring myself negatively.
I suppose this is how life goes! I'm so happy at the moment and just wish those people who are trying to hold me back and keep me rained in finally see this. The more people struggle to keep me back will only lose me quicker. I'm finally loving my life and love the people who are in it, and I thank all those people who are supporting me everyday. I love you all trillions!
Rach
xxx
9:38pm
I can't believe already it's the end of August! One day left, and September begins. With a million opportunities and probably a billion challenges! Am I ready to chase them? Too bloody right I am.
I'm finally living life independently, finding myself and trusting my own thoughts and judgements on life. I no longer allow myself to give into the thoughts and mind sets which my anorexia or others lead me in to.
August has been fab! I've finally entered my 20's and can't wait to see what it brings, hopefully not the shit which entering my teens brought me!! I went proper camping for the first time ever! It was so good. I really enjoyed it, probably too much! It was cold and wet, but I had the company of three lovely people :) The nights were ace, curled up on a camp chair watching films, drinking alcohol and talking utter crap! I have to admit I loved going to bed each night and just snuggling right into Tom. It felt so normal, and I felt so safe, which probably explained why last night my sleep was so weird as I had got used to Tom being there, but since we've been going out it's always been the same! Me and Jayne went and had our feet eaten by fish which was the strangest thing ever, it was the highlight of my weekend watching Jayne freak out over it all, if it hadn't been for Jayne amusing me I think I would have been exactly the same and my fish were about three times the size!! - then we got back and found a massive spider about four times the size of my fish in the bottom of a shopping bag, I may be vegetarian but I would have happily squished the bugga to make sure it didn't re-enter the tent and eat me in the night!
It's been hard having my Grandad in hospital the last couple of weeks, but he seems to be doing better, and me and tom are going up tomorrow to see him again - there is a possibility that he may be home on Friday, but I'm obviously worried about the impact this will have on my Nan. She is losing her sight and I really don't think the pressure will help but I'm guessing that the hospital will sort out the care which may need to follow my Grandad in order to help for the short term. I suppose it has brought a lot of the thoughts about my Great Gran back and knowing that if the worst did happen how would I cope. But fingers crossed he will be back to his usual self ASAP!! minus all the whisky!!
I would love to be able to jump to September 5th ... why? It's my Great Gran's 101st birthday on the 4th and I still miss her, probably a lot more than I should. A lot of people have told me I'm completely silly for still struggling to come to the terms with the fact that she isn't coming back, but it's days like these special ones which I find so hard. I've kept my self free that day, I don't want to be promising myself to anyone. We have a couple of events for work over that weekend but I'd rather just be able to come and go. People cope it different ways, and this is the one which I've learnt to do without resulting in injuring myself negatively.
I suppose this is how life goes! I'm so happy at the moment and just wish those people who are trying to hold me back and keep me rained in finally see this. The more people struggle to keep me back will only lose me quicker. I'm finally loving my life and love the people who are in it, and I thank all those people who are supporting me everyday. I love you all trillions!
Rach
xxx
Sunday 14 August 2011
Turning 20 ...
Sunday 14th August 2011
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
9:43am
Finally 20!!
My birthday was great, well apart from not being able to eat at Nandos because of the riots!!
Was able to have a nice lie in and be greeted with texts and Facebook messages :) always makes me laugh when I have about 20 notifications in one log in but love it at the same time, so thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday.
Work was great, took in cakes, our unwritten rule when it's your birthday, and they seemed to go down well, was rather gutted when I went back in to see if my favourites were left (lemon flavoured ones) and they had all gone! Thankfully I'd already allowed myself to have one, but that second one was calling me later on in the day!! I got more cards at work and some presents too :) Was great to be met in town for a quick lunch by Lou and Jayne.
Later on I went back into town with the hope to go in Nandos, however, due to the scum bags who had been looting shops around the country they had closed early along with many of the restaurants in town. Instead we went for a meal at the looking glass with Tom and my mum and dad, to be greeted with more presents and cards. My ring off Tom is lovely and I have to admit he does have good taste and is obviously seeing what I like and don't like (actually get to know me) ... Mum and dad got me a Pandora charm, well I'm guessing mum did as I'm sure Dad wouldn't know a Pandora charm if it hit him in the face!!! Got loads of other nice things too :) I love birthday's, I always have done and hope I don't become one of these people who hates the thought of turning another year older. I suppose my birthdays have extra meanings, I proved those stupid doctors wrong who said I'd have died before my 18th and given me no hope what so ever for the future.
So I've entered into a new decade and I can't wait to see what it has to throw at me, already I've been tested. I've decided that I really need to properly fight for some therapy, I've started to realise my triggers more than ever for which spiral me into my deeper episodes of depression, so I look forward to having some professional advice on how these situations, not all which can be avoided can be dealt with.
I spent my teenage years and before that constantly been thrown criticism, whether over my height, size, shape, appearance, how I spend my time, my interest, how different I am to do others (negatively) ... and god knows what else and I've had enough it turned me into the sensitive person who become severely ill with anorexia and depression. That anorexia and depression has made me see that I need to start sticking up for me, stop hiding away and caring what people think about me. It's not going to be easy but it's got to be done - sick of been treated like a bag of shit and feeling like my opinion counts for nothing. It's the whole argument over the nature / nurture debate which will be looked at again once I get that extra support, but I tell you I'm more than willing to open up now, I'm ready to share what is going on in my head and finally let my demons go! Some of my triggers I know will be hard to forget, each year on certain dates the need to want to hide myself away will be there.
So here's to a decade which is going to properly shape me, make me the strong willed person that I want to be ....
Rach
xxxxxx
Monday 8 August 2011
last day of being a teen ...
Monday 8th August 2011
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
12:57pm
I suppose today is really an end of an era. I can finally leave my teens and enter the proper world of adulthood! Although at 18 you're classed as an adult, there doesn't seem to be that recognition for actually being an adult. Which is why I think I'm looking forward so much to being 20.
If I look back properly over the past 6 years, my teens haven't really brought me what a lot of young girls want from that. Its took me a lot longer to understand myself and grow into who I am. My teens have been dominated by anorexia, depression, self harm, self loath, anxiety and god knows what else. It's a part of my life I want to leave behind for the illness, but the part of my life which I need to be talking about to help others.
I find it really weird. Everyone will tell me that lots of good things happened too but my anorexia has always been there. Obviously over the past few years the anorexia has grown weaker in but it's still there and I know it is - I'm not stupid and I know I have a way to go, but it's all part of the journey.
So being 20 presents to me so many new opportunities ... I've been in my own place for a month now, but still relying obviously on extended care to help with things which is good for me :) I know when I need help! I'm going to start properly believing who I am I've got too! After all being 20 isn't going to be the complete new me but I feel like I have a new start with a fresh 10 years a head :)
So I think I'm in for a lazy and relaxing day :) a load of DVDs a head :) and then a drive later with my Dad ...
ROLL ON TOMORROW
xxxxxxx
Monday 25 July 2011
1 year on ....
Monday 25th July 2011
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
9:11pm
Well what can I say! So much has happened within a year, and I'm still in shock. Going out with Tom has definitely changed me a lot, for the better of course. I love the fact that I'm actually able to smile and mean it.
The house move has gone well, still little bits which I want to do but I'm really settled, sleeping like a log and desperate for a lie in! Not like me at all, but it's been so lovely not to be woken up my banging doors or any other unwanted noise.
Work has been going well, the school visits have shot up and the plans for 2011 / 2012 are looking well for school bookings. Now DAD has finished it's now the plans for the 20th anniversary and the Positive Action Awards. Last year they were amazing and it was another big event which I enjoyed so much.
So I found out that I've past college and I'm really chuffed, still really impressed with myself as never thought I would really amount to anything going through college, those distinctions were definitely worth it.
My eating disorder is still rearing it's ugly head at times but I'm coping :) looking forward to my birthday and can't wait to turn 20 - probably too much!!
So one year on I've moved out, managed to put up with Tom and still out of hospital :) Life is looking good and this journey back to life isn't actually too bad!!!
Rach
xxxx
Saturday 16 July 2011
too long!!
Saturday 16th July 2011
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
8:36pm
Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.
WHY?
Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.
I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!
Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.
Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.
I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.
Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.
So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!
I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.
Rach
xxxxxxx
Monday 13 June 2011
flying by ....
Monday 13th June 2011
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
10:09pm
It's weird to think how quickly time goes by. I've nearly been out of hospital two years and been a staff member at WDP for a year.
My anorexia seems to be under control but then again I find myself so often having that moment where food really doesn't interest me what so ever, and I would happily go back to living an anorexic life - this is all part of the journey I know that. Medication is medication, Fluoxetine could be a box of paracetamol at times, doesn't really feel like anything other than preventing a terrible day, which I can normally see coming.
I know there are some people out there who probably disagree completely, but they help me - whether this is psychological, I really don't care, they can help prevent a server episode of depression.
I'm so happy where I am at the moment, life seems really simple compared to a couple of years ago. I feel wanted for all the right reasons, people now stare at me because they can't believe how far I've come or the fact that I'm the same person who is in the pictures. The skeletal girl, staring blankly into the camera, hoping that someone soon would let her go. I'm now wanting to stay put for as long as possible, raising awareness, despite my bad days.
I've realised I can't mope forever, I've go to stay strong keep talking and have the confidence to say what I believe in.
Rach
xxxx
Sunday 29 May 2011
feelings of losing control ...
Sunday 29th May 2011
06:49am
A while since I last blogged!
I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.
Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.
I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!
I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.
Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.
When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.
I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!
As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!
Love
Rach
xxx
06:49am
A while since I last blogged!
I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.
Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.
I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!
I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.
Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.
When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.
I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!
As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!
Love
Rach
xxx
Monday 9 May 2011
May already!?
Monday 9th May 2011
6:35pm
I can't believe it's May already. 5 months in to 2011 is actually really scary!
I've been out of the ED service now for 4 months which already is my longest time out :) and have managed to maintain a healthy weight!
I've waited a long time to be able to go to the gym and the end of last month I was able to actually join! Tom is my "instructor" shall I put it! Which is what I need! I want to be able to do Cardio but also be able to use the weights and actually do things properly.
At the end of last month I was able to get my car, for when I pass my test, which I'm hoping will be soon, took me a while to accept that a manual really wasn't the best idea for me to be driving, so my lessons in an automatic started and already I can feel a difference! 6 two hours lessons have built me up and what driving skills I already head to be able to help me be put in for test!
WDP had their first Young People's Forum. It's been spoken about for a long time apparently and after being to Warrington Disability Forum I realised more how important it was to get young people's voices heard from the people them selves. Meeting the young people was lovely and they all have an enthusiasm to raise awareness on what they know and also learn about other people.
Today I had a meeting in Work with the transition nurse based a CAMHS which went really well and will hopefully lead to more positive work in the future with the team. My experiences are there to be learnt from, and I never want to see a young person have that experience, it was horrible and at times rather traumatic.
St Gregg's asked me to do a talk around the Stamp out Stigma campaign and my involvement with WDP, they couldn't seem to believe how much I've thrown myself into work and raising awareness despite how professionals viewed me at times.
People are so quick to judge of decisions which people make in life, whether it's through protection or the hope that each person has the same views on everything. My journey at times has made me very needy however when you're on a unit you learn how to project yourself and mother other people. I'm may at times seem much younger than I am but I have experienced a lot of things which some adults or people my age have never seen or ever want to see. This is my life and I'm determined to start living for me and not wanting to impress other people all the time.
Got a great few weeks a head and can't wait to live for me :)
Rach
x
6:35pm
I can't believe it's May already. 5 months in to 2011 is actually really scary!
I've been out of the ED service now for 4 months which already is my longest time out :) and have managed to maintain a healthy weight!
I've waited a long time to be able to go to the gym and the end of last month I was able to actually join! Tom is my "instructor" shall I put it! Which is what I need! I want to be able to do Cardio but also be able to use the weights and actually do things properly.
At the end of last month I was able to get my car, for when I pass my test, which I'm hoping will be soon, took me a while to accept that a manual really wasn't the best idea for me to be driving, so my lessons in an automatic started and already I can feel a difference! 6 two hours lessons have built me up and what driving skills I already head to be able to help me be put in for test!
WDP had their first Young People's Forum. It's been spoken about for a long time apparently and after being to Warrington Disability Forum I realised more how important it was to get young people's voices heard from the people them selves. Meeting the young people was lovely and they all have an enthusiasm to raise awareness on what they know and also learn about other people.
Today I had a meeting in Work with the transition nurse based a CAMHS which went really well and will hopefully lead to more positive work in the future with the team. My experiences are there to be learnt from, and I never want to see a young person have that experience, it was horrible and at times rather traumatic.
St Gregg's asked me to do a talk around the Stamp out Stigma campaign and my involvement with WDP, they couldn't seem to believe how much I've thrown myself into work and raising awareness despite how professionals viewed me at times.
People are so quick to judge of decisions which people make in life, whether it's through protection or the hope that each person has the same views on everything. My journey at times has made me very needy however when you're on a unit you learn how to project yourself and mother other people. I'm may at times seem much younger than I am but I have experienced a lot of things which some adults or people my age have never seen or ever want to see. This is my life and I'm determined to start living for me and not wanting to impress other people all the time.
Got a great few weeks a head and can't wait to live for me :)
Rach
x
Tuesday 26 April 2011
Life!
Tuesday 26th April 2011
8:30pm
I suppose life brings things to you for a reason, sometimes it gives you things you'd rather never had have, however good things come out of it.
At times this blog feels like my only way to get how I really feel out, even though people are around me who I trust and care about, I'm worried if when I'm actually having a bad day if I can be as honest as I actually want to. There I minutes when I just want to stand up shout and just burst into tears, but as I'm getting older and meant to be maturing it's hard to accept I can't do that. Life brings tests and trials all the time for everyone, but there is sometimes a point when I believe life is giving me all the shit which is meant for other people.
Becoming independent is something I really want, it's scares me but I know in order to make my recovery completely full I need to prove I can do it. I know people wonder how I could possibly do it, I still need reminders to eat or the motivation to get my ass in gear to actually eat. I've got to a point where I can just block out what I'm doing and get on with it. It's horrible when you know someone has taken the time you make a nice tea or something and I can't always taste it because I refuse myself to enjoy it. There are still times I lie about how I feel about eating and food, but I know getting myself out of the ED service was the best thing as I have to trust myself.
At the moment, I'm doing a presentation about body image and while doing research came across a questionnaire, surprise, surprise it came with the result that my body image is appalling and I should get help with how I feel. To be honest I've always know this, I hope to god in time I will appreciate myself so much more. My self harming seems to have stopped which is normally a major sign of how disgusted I am with myself, don't get me wrong I get the thoughts but I'm now able to beat them or distract myself from the thoughts which have normally led me to some dangerous situations.
Anorexia is evil, I have no idea why I felt so attached to it and saw it as a close friend and someone who I could confide in. When Kate Moss apparently said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I could so agree, and I suppose even now a small part of me still agrees. I would love to know why the professionals promised me that I would feel so much better when my weight was higher, okay I may not be as tired but mentally at times I feel so much worse.
I know I have to stay positive and I will do, I have things to look forward to but I still often look back and I always will do, the past 6 years have been hell, 2010 was a major turning point for me and I want each year to get better and easier to get though. I'm determined to keep on winning and trying my hardest to be free from this shitty illness if at all it is possible, who knows, this thing has dominated my life for a long time and made me very ill - I just want the screaming voice in my head to turn to a whisper and something which if it does appear only does so a minimal about of times!!!
Here's to life and independence :)
Mum I Love you loads!! Thanks for sticking by me all these years :) x x x
Rach
x x x
8:30pm
I suppose life brings things to you for a reason, sometimes it gives you things you'd rather never had have, however good things come out of it.
At times this blog feels like my only way to get how I really feel out, even though people are around me who I trust and care about, I'm worried if when I'm actually having a bad day if I can be as honest as I actually want to. There I minutes when I just want to stand up shout and just burst into tears, but as I'm getting older and meant to be maturing it's hard to accept I can't do that. Life brings tests and trials all the time for everyone, but there is sometimes a point when I believe life is giving me all the shit which is meant for other people.
Becoming independent is something I really want, it's scares me but I know in order to make my recovery completely full I need to prove I can do it. I know people wonder how I could possibly do it, I still need reminders to eat or the motivation to get my ass in gear to actually eat. I've got to a point where I can just block out what I'm doing and get on with it. It's horrible when you know someone has taken the time you make a nice tea or something and I can't always taste it because I refuse myself to enjoy it. There are still times I lie about how I feel about eating and food, but I know getting myself out of the ED service was the best thing as I have to trust myself.
At the moment, I'm doing a presentation about body image and while doing research came across a questionnaire, surprise, surprise it came with the result that my body image is appalling and I should get help with how I feel. To be honest I've always know this, I hope to god in time I will appreciate myself so much more. My self harming seems to have stopped which is normally a major sign of how disgusted I am with myself, don't get me wrong I get the thoughts but I'm now able to beat them or distract myself from the thoughts which have normally led me to some dangerous situations.
Anorexia is evil, I have no idea why I felt so attached to it and saw it as a close friend and someone who I could confide in. When Kate Moss apparently said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I could so agree, and I suppose even now a small part of me still agrees. I would love to know why the professionals promised me that I would feel so much better when my weight was higher, okay I may not be as tired but mentally at times I feel so much worse.
I know I have to stay positive and I will do, I have things to look forward to but I still often look back and I always will do, the past 6 years have been hell, 2010 was a major turning point for me and I want each year to get better and easier to get though. I'm determined to keep on winning and trying my hardest to be free from this shitty illness if at all it is possible, who knows, this thing has dominated my life for a long time and made me very ill - I just want the screaming voice in my head to turn to a whisper and something which if it does appear only does so a minimal about of times!!!
Here's to life and independence :)
Mum I Love you loads!! Thanks for sticking by me all these years :) x x x
Rach
x x x
Friday 15 April 2011
does it really have to be obvious? ...
Friday 15th April 2011
10:58am
Disability is a subject which either people refuse to talk about or is the subject on everyone's mind - especially with working in the environment at WDP and my own disability it's always on my mind. I often wonder what else I can do to help those with a disability - my particular passion is those disabilities which you can't see but they are there.
When I ask young people about disability when I'm out in schools etc the first thing people mention is a wheelchair, however, only a small percent of the population are in fact wheelchair users. A larger percent of the population have mental health issues but yet getting it recognised as a disability to a lot of people is so hard!!
I love the people I work with, everyday I learn something new about disability and I can then pass these bits of information onto other people. This new information will be fantastic to use at the young people's forum which WDP are currently setting up and letters have been sent out to about 30 young people.
So my experience of ignorant people's view on disability happened today with a bus driver to be honest. He wanted proof that I was a disabled person. I would have happily taken him to Warrington Hospital got out my bulging notes and let him read the shit which I went through - leading to a stint in Hollins Park and trying to hard to get my life back on track, taking time and having to accept help. But I shouldn't have to, I've only in the past year accepted that my mental health is a disability and I need to welcome all the help and accept that I am still ill and although far down the path to recovery maybe not as far down as I think I am - but far enough to appreciate my life finally.
I'm now waiting for Nisha, a beautiful person in and out who I met through my journey, we did a group session together and did have a laugh. I think we've pulled each other though a lot and even if we don't text or talk for a while when we do see each other it's like we only saw each other yesterday!! So today we're off to the beach - believe it or not we're not as mad as we used to be but this seemed like a rather good idea!! lol :P
Life improves but I have to work for it, comments on looking well although still scare me I can appreciate where I am and that they mean it in a positive way. I love who I have around me at the moment and I'll fight to keep them in my life!! I want rid of my anorexia not the people I love and appreciate so much.
Rach
xxxx
10:58am
Disability is a subject which either people refuse to talk about or is the subject on everyone's mind - especially with working in the environment at WDP and my own disability it's always on my mind. I often wonder what else I can do to help those with a disability - my particular passion is those disabilities which you can't see but they are there.
When I ask young people about disability when I'm out in schools etc the first thing people mention is a wheelchair, however, only a small percent of the population are in fact wheelchair users. A larger percent of the population have mental health issues but yet getting it recognised as a disability to a lot of people is so hard!!
I love the people I work with, everyday I learn something new about disability and I can then pass these bits of information onto other people. This new information will be fantastic to use at the young people's forum which WDP are currently setting up and letters have been sent out to about 30 young people.
So my experience of ignorant people's view on disability happened today with a bus driver to be honest. He wanted proof that I was a disabled person. I would have happily taken him to Warrington Hospital got out my bulging notes and let him read the shit which I went through - leading to a stint in Hollins Park and trying to hard to get my life back on track, taking time and having to accept help. But I shouldn't have to, I've only in the past year accepted that my mental health is a disability and I need to welcome all the help and accept that I am still ill and although far down the path to recovery maybe not as far down as I think I am - but far enough to appreciate my life finally.
I'm now waiting for Nisha, a beautiful person in and out who I met through my journey, we did a group session together and did have a laugh. I think we've pulled each other though a lot and even if we don't text or talk for a while when we do see each other it's like we only saw each other yesterday!! So today we're off to the beach - believe it or not we're not as mad as we used to be but this seemed like a rather good idea!! lol :P
Life improves but I have to work for it, comments on looking well although still scare me I can appreciate where I am and that they mean it in a positive way. I love who I have around me at the moment and I'll fight to keep them in my life!! I want rid of my anorexia not the people I love and appreciate so much.
Rach
xxxx
Sunday 10 April 2011
Reality.com
Sunday 10th April 2011
8:06pm
I suppose recently my life or should I really say mood has been up and down like I wouldn't believe, or the fact that this bad week was once I good week when I was so skeletal I couldn't even accept that my life was falling a part.
My anti depressants have been reduced - and although it's a good thing, the week while they are reduced and getting into my system is just blah. When medication is increased it's great but urgh having them reduced feels like I'm coming off some illegal drug and my dependence for that drug is so needy its untrue... fluoxetine is a type of Prozac and used mainly for young people and those who suffer from eating disorders, but saying that everyone is different and what it may do for me it might not help someone else.
I'm still taking my driving lessons (STRESS!!!!!) I wanted to be passed by now but nope again my depression etc like to take over and it means its taken me too long for my liking to be driving - the theory was a pain in the ass, kept putting it off as the thought of having to do an exam was horrible the practical test doesn't phase me but god did the theory - felt like I was back in school and could feel my chest getting tighter as the questions were coming up. However, I have had to admit defeat and accept that manual car driving is getting me know where - it was suggested I should try automatic and so that's what I've done and it's such a better and nicer drive. Things seem to be slipping into place. I know not everyone (if anyone) agreed of even still does agree with the fact I've gone in an automatic to do my test in, but it's took so much pressure off me mentally and I feel so much more confident. So I'm hoping to do my test next month and have my own car before disability awareness day - maybe I'm aiming to high but it's a target which can be moved further back or closer I don't have to be driving for DAD but it would be nice to be able to help a bit more!.
So my old facebook account is officially gone, the deletion is definite and I can start a fresh start on a new account. It has helped a lot although my new account seems to like telling people that I've deleted them (When I've not and can still see them on chat!)
I suppose I want a new me and a new start with the people who I have in my life at the moment, I see my new life with my family plus my second family the Horton's :) - I know I have a long way to go,but I'm determined to be a recovered anorexic than being a recovering anorexic. Life is complicated and brings shit a long with it, but I suppose mistakes aren't mistakes they're learning curves and ones which will help me get to the place I need to be.
Rach
xxx
8:06pm
I suppose recently my life or should I really say mood has been up and down like I wouldn't believe, or the fact that this bad week was once I good week when I was so skeletal I couldn't even accept that my life was falling a part.
My anti depressants have been reduced - and although it's a good thing, the week while they are reduced and getting into my system is just blah. When medication is increased it's great but urgh having them reduced feels like I'm coming off some illegal drug and my dependence for that drug is so needy its untrue... fluoxetine is a type of Prozac and used mainly for young people and those who suffer from eating disorders, but saying that everyone is different and what it may do for me it might not help someone else.
I'm still taking my driving lessons (STRESS!!!!!) I wanted to be passed by now but nope again my depression etc like to take over and it means its taken me too long for my liking to be driving - the theory was a pain in the ass, kept putting it off as the thought of having to do an exam was horrible the practical test doesn't phase me but god did the theory - felt like I was back in school and could feel my chest getting tighter as the questions were coming up. However, I have had to admit defeat and accept that manual car driving is getting me know where - it was suggested I should try automatic and so that's what I've done and it's such a better and nicer drive. Things seem to be slipping into place. I know not everyone (if anyone) agreed of even still does agree with the fact I've gone in an automatic to do my test in, but it's took so much pressure off me mentally and I feel so much more confident. So I'm hoping to do my test next month and have my own car before disability awareness day - maybe I'm aiming to high but it's a target which can be moved further back or closer I don't have to be driving for DAD but it would be nice to be able to help a bit more!.
So my old facebook account is officially gone, the deletion is definite and I can start a fresh start on a new account. It has helped a lot although my new account seems to like telling people that I've deleted them (When I've not and can still see them on chat!)
I suppose I want a new me and a new start with the people who I have in my life at the moment, I see my new life with my family plus my second family the Horton's :) - I know I have a long way to go,but I'm determined to be a recovered anorexic than being a recovering anorexic. Life is complicated and brings shit a long with it, but I suppose mistakes aren't mistakes they're learning curves and ones which will help me get to the place I need to be.
Rach
xxx
Saturday 2 April 2011
fly by ...
Saturday 2nd April 2011
09:44am
I can't believe it's April already! This year is already going so quickly and so much has happened! Already at Warrington Disability Partnership are getting ready for Disability Awareness Day, my first actual main run up! Last year I joined as the hard work to arrange it had been done but the work to ensure the day went great was still there!!
So March went past quickly! I managed to pass my theory test and this means I'm only a step away from actually driving (the practical can't be that bad ... I wish!) I also managed to get my medication reduced - thankfully! They were meant to be reduced at the end of December, but then they changed there mind and preferred the more doped up Rachael! Pitty they didn't see that I was climbing up the walls with hyperactivity at times! It's scary knowing that I've had them reduced, this puts more responsibility on me to ensure that I do put my ass in gear and try so dam hard to take my recovery more seriously then what I already am.
I still have bad days, a couple I experienced in the week but I've managed to learn from them rather than react badly to them. Although the thought of Self Harm was there people who know me well knew that allowing me to go home would result to this (even without me saying anything)
Life goes past so quickly - Tom has already nearly finished his first year of university, which is really scary! Plus we've nearly been together a year - another brill reason to look forward to DAD week since it's the week which we were introduced to each other and that was it!!
Tomorrow I will find myself at the Warrington Wolves match collecting for DAD due to the funding cuts. It will be a good afternoon out - of course Ollie the Owl will be there to keep an eye on us all. A lot of the WDP team will be there with our buckets so make sure you bring lots of notes with you - never mind the pennies!!! lol
Next Friday Warrington Disability Partnership will be at Morrison's in Latchford doing another bucket collection :) I can't wait till the actually week already the lead up to the week is rather exciting.
So another month of excitement is in order ... looking forward to it! :)
Rach
x x x
09:44am
I can't believe it's April already! This year is already going so quickly and so much has happened! Already at Warrington Disability Partnership are getting ready for Disability Awareness Day, my first actual main run up! Last year I joined as the hard work to arrange it had been done but the work to ensure the day went great was still there!!
So March went past quickly! I managed to pass my theory test and this means I'm only a step away from actually driving (the practical can't be that bad ... I wish!) I also managed to get my medication reduced - thankfully! They were meant to be reduced at the end of December, but then they changed there mind and preferred the more doped up Rachael! Pitty they didn't see that I was climbing up the walls with hyperactivity at times! It's scary knowing that I've had them reduced, this puts more responsibility on me to ensure that I do put my ass in gear and try so dam hard to take my recovery more seriously then what I already am.
I still have bad days, a couple I experienced in the week but I've managed to learn from them rather than react badly to them. Although the thought of Self Harm was there people who know me well knew that allowing me to go home would result to this (even without me saying anything)
Life goes past so quickly - Tom has already nearly finished his first year of university, which is really scary! Plus we've nearly been together a year - another brill reason to look forward to DAD week since it's the week which we were introduced to each other and that was it!!
Tomorrow I will find myself at the Warrington Wolves match collecting for DAD due to the funding cuts. It will be a good afternoon out - of course Ollie the Owl will be there to keep an eye on us all. A lot of the WDP team will be there with our buckets so make sure you bring lots of notes with you - never mind the pennies!!! lol
Next Friday Warrington Disability Partnership will be at Morrison's in Latchford doing another bucket collection :) I can't wait till the actually week already the lead up to the week is rather exciting.
So another month of excitement is in order ... looking forward to it! :)
Rach
x x x
Saturday 26 March 2011
past, present and future ...
Saturday 26th March 2011
8:02am
Standing taking this photo on Thursday made me realise how lucky I am to have mental health problems now rather than having them in the 1900s and before. The photo is of the old Asylum in Huddersfield. It's where Tom's uni halls are now situated with obviously a lot of hidden memories. The scary thing is it only closed in 1991! The year I was born so the fact even 20 years ago those with mental health problems were still feared actually upsets me. Obviously I'd rather have no mental health issues, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have Tom in my life, or have the same insight into mental health and the people who have them. The past is a scary place, before I was born people with mental health issues where hidden away, miles out of town so that if they did try and escape no one would be hurt but the patient - sad yes but true.
I've seen old inpatient records from Winick Hospital (before Hollins Park was set up) which is so sad. I couldn't actually look at them properly as in different ways you can relate to the people and it turns my stomach knowing that it could have been me being treated so badly, tested on and treated as a freak.
However, the attitudes of mental health by some members of the public all that time ago wasn't all bad. My Great Gran who was in her 90s when I got ill was a great support and never had one negative work to say to me about my issues, all she wanted me to do was get better and live my life!
In the present I am doing that, some days I still probably live by the rules and laws of my anorexia but not as much as I did, but I know eventually they will go and I will be able to just hear my own thoughts rather than what my anorexia has to say.
I did a presentation on Wednesday to staff at a conference from different schools to raise the awareness round mental health, some looked shocked the fact that I actually go into schools and talk about anorexia - even today it's the most taboo subject in schools, yet so many people have this desire to be this unrealistic stereotype of perfect.
The weeks been really odd, different things have happened but it make me more positive for my future and what is set to come. I really do believe my path is laid out for me and I will follow it. I have to learn to take the good with the bad, the relapse and the recovery steps as I can learn from that and make myself into the stronger person which I want to be.
I have decided to start living life for me, if I want to do something then yes I'm going to do it. Although I still have this unrealistic desire to please everyone providing I please myself with what I'm doing to help my recovery then surely that is all that matters!?
I am making decisions for me which in the long term is going to do me well! For once my decisions are not deemed to be harming my life but enabling me to live a more positive one. I have plans and dreams and want to see them happen.
Rach
xxxx
8:02am
Standing taking this photo on Thursday made me realise how lucky I am to have mental health problems now rather than having them in the 1900s and before. The photo is of the old Asylum in Huddersfield. It's where Tom's uni halls are now situated with obviously a lot of hidden memories. The scary thing is it only closed in 1991! The year I was born so the fact even 20 years ago those with mental health problems were still feared actually upsets me. Obviously I'd rather have no mental health issues, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have Tom in my life, or have the same insight into mental health and the people who have them. The past is a scary place, before I was born people with mental health issues where hidden away, miles out of town so that if they did try and escape no one would be hurt but the patient - sad yes but true.
I've seen old inpatient records from Winick Hospital (before Hollins Park was set up) which is so sad. I couldn't actually look at them properly as in different ways you can relate to the people and it turns my stomach knowing that it could have been me being treated so badly, tested on and treated as a freak.
However, the attitudes of mental health by some members of the public all that time ago wasn't all bad. My Great Gran who was in her 90s when I got ill was a great support and never had one negative work to say to me about my issues, all she wanted me to do was get better and live my life!
In the present I am doing that, some days I still probably live by the rules and laws of my anorexia but not as much as I did, but I know eventually they will go and I will be able to just hear my own thoughts rather than what my anorexia has to say.
I did a presentation on Wednesday to staff at a conference from different schools to raise the awareness round mental health, some looked shocked the fact that I actually go into schools and talk about anorexia - even today it's the most taboo subject in schools, yet so many people have this desire to be this unrealistic stereotype of perfect.
The weeks been really odd, different things have happened but it make me more positive for my future and what is set to come. I really do believe my path is laid out for me and I will follow it. I have to learn to take the good with the bad, the relapse and the recovery steps as I can learn from that and make myself into the stronger person which I want to be.
I have decided to start living life for me, if I want to do something then yes I'm going to do it. Although I still have this unrealistic desire to please everyone providing I please myself with what I'm doing to help my recovery then surely that is all that matters!?
I am making decisions for me which in the long term is going to do me well! For once my decisions are not deemed to be harming my life but enabling me to live a more positive one. I have plans and dreams and want to see them happen.
Rach
xxxx
Saturday 12 March 2011
Perfect: Pink
Saturday 12th March 2011
1:40pm
The song reflects a lot, especially through a journey with mental health. The video may be triggering for some with aspects of self harm but you don't need the video to appreciate the lyrics. I suppose people will be saying the chorus to me especially as I'm brilliant at putting myself down. But there are a few people and they will know who they are, which the chorus make me think of you.
Pink – Perfect Lyrics
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood
Miss, no way it’s all good
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me
The whole world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we tried tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect to me
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me
http://www.musicstop.org/pink-fkin-perfect-clean-version-lyrics-with-video
Rach
xxxx
1:40pm
The song reflects a lot, especially through a journey with mental health. The video may be triggering for some with aspects of self harm but you don't need the video to appreciate the lyrics. I suppose people will be saying the chorus to me especially as I'm brilliant at putting myself down. But there are a few people and they will know who they are, which the chorus make me think of you.
Pink – Perfect Lyrics
Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood
Miss, no way it’s all good
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me
You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing
You are perfect to me
The whole world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we tried tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect to me
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel
like you’re nothing
you are perfect to me
http://www.musicstop.org/pink-fkin-perfect-clean-version-lyrics-with-video
Rach
xxxx
one of those weeks!
Saturday 12th March 2011
12:54pm
I suppose many people believe recovery from anorexia is going to be easy - indulging yourself in food which people only dream to eat when they are trying hard not to be 'naughty' ... however, those indulging foods are just as, if not more terrifying through recovery. Why? Because, you intentionally want to regain the weight and have to ignore the voice in your head telling you otherwise.
This week I have really struggled for some reason with coming to terms with how different I am. I love who I have around me, however I do not love me. I think its all hit me, and hit me hard. Harder than what I would have liked as well. I found it hard to tell mum, that I was having all my negative thoughts again as I was scaring myself - so much to the point I asked mum to take the boxes of medication out my room. I didn't care if it was an overreacting I refuse to let things get me down that badly again.
I refuse to lose Tom because I get to the point where I get so self centered I won't be who he knows I can be and the same with his mum and dad - okay yes I have my little out bursts but as soon as reality hits I reflect and realise I really shouldn't have said/done that!
On Wednesday I had what I believed I proper responsability as the YA. I've had them before but the school coming to WDP was something which as far as I know had never happenend - I could be wrong so sorry if I am! The staff and pupils all loved it, being able to speak to staff about their own personal journey with disability. The staff who volunteered to speak to the young people were amazing and I know for a lot of them it was a brave thing for them to do. That's the thing I love about WDP the fact that we can start to help people get their confidence back bit by bit, it takes time and effort and the right people to do it.
The backgrounds which are volunteers come from are so different and it's lovely when they have the confidence to hear about it. I love listening to things like that, it also puts my life into perspective and makes me realise how fortunate I am to be where I am.
One volunteer who I have come rather close to at the moment is Heidi - I know she won't mind me mentioning her as remember Heidi "empowering is what I'm doing". I find it really hard to socilaise with people my age, I love adult conversation! So although yes I'm the young ambassador I found it really hard to connect with the young volunteers at work. Jayne and I'm guessing a few more people at work noticed, so I liked the way it was put to me that I was there to empower young people ... I may do it within schools but I had never thought about the young volunteers, I don't know why. So recently Heidi has started to be my "right hand woman" with YA stuff :p and plus it's given more some more responsibility, I'm not just thinking about what I'm comfortable with doing but also whoever may come out with me to help with the presentations such as Heidi, and I know she'll be a great help with the Young People's forum.
I'm still struggling with eating out, especially with big groups of people and especially when it is a three course meal when half way through the first I've already had enough! We went to the volunteer awards and I notice myself how dodgy I am with food but yet I can't seem to stop doing it! Pain in the arse yes!! I had this goat cheese tart thing with me being vegetarian but as soon as the goats cheese drew my attention sat right on top of the tart that was at the side of my plate and before I knew it I was seperating bits of food and back to old habbits with checking, I suppose when I'm in a stressful situation like that it comes back to comfort and I obviously and sadly still find some comfort in the anorexic behaviours. The way I see it is, as long as its not hurting me and only happen sometimes, it's okay.
But as I title the blog "Journey back to Life" it will take time and I do have to rebuild from where I stopped thinking for myself and also be able to reflect back on my past experiences.
Rach
xxxxx
12:54pm
I suppose many people believe recovery from anorexia is going to be easy - indulging yourself in food which people only dream to eat when they are trying hard not to be 'naughty' ... however, those indulging foods are just as, if not more terrifying through recovery. Why? Because, you intentionally want to regain the weight and have to ignore the voice in your head telling you otherwise.
This week I have really struggled for some reason with coming to terms with how different I am. I love who I have around me, however I do not love me. I think its all hit me, and hit me hard. Harder than what I would have liked as well. I found it hard to tell mum, that I was having all my negative thoughts again as I was scaring myself - so much to the point I asked mum to take the boxes of medication out my room. I didn't care if it was an overreacting I refuse to let things get me down that badly again.
I refuse to lose Tom because I get to the point where I get so self centered I won't be who he knows I can be and the same with his mum and dad - okay yes I have my little out bursts but as soon as reality hits I reflect and realise I really shouldn't have said/done that!
On Wednesday I had what I believed I proper responsability as the YA. I've had them before but the school coming to WDP was something which as far as I know had never happenend - I could be wrong so sorry if I am! The staff and pupils all loved it, being able to speak to staff about their own personal journey with disability. The staff who volunteered to speak to the young people were amazing and I know for a lot of them it was a brave thing for them to do. That's the thing I love about WDP the fact that we can start to help people get their confidence back bit by bit, it takes time and effort and the right people to do it.
The backgrounds which are volunteers come from are so different and it's lovely when they have the confidence to hear about it. I love listening to things like that, it also puts my life into perspective and makes me realise how fortunate I am to be where I am.
One volunteer who I have come rather close to at the moment is Heidi - I know she won't mind me mentioning her as remember Heidi "empowering is what I'm doing". I find it really hard to socilaise with people my age, I love adult conversation! So although yes I'm the young ambassador I found it really hard to connect with the young volunteers at work. Jayne and I'm guessing a few more people at work noticed, so I liked the way it was put to me that I was there to empower young people ... I may do it within schools but I had never thought about the young volunteers, I don't know why. So recently Heidi has started to be my "right hand woman" with YA stuff :p and plus it's given more some more responsibility, I'm not just thinking about what I'm comfortable with doing but also whoever may come out with me to help with the presentations such as Heidi, and I know she'll be a great help with the Young People's forum.
I'm still struggling with eating out, especially with big groups of people and especially when it is a three course meal when half way through the first I've already had enough! We went to the volunteer awards and I notice myself how dodgy I am with food but yet I can't seem to stop doing it! Pain in the arse yes!! I had this goat cheese tart thing with me being vegetarian but as soon as the goats cheese drew my attention sat right on top of the tart that was at the side of my plate and before I knew it I was seperating bits of food and back to old habbits with checking, I suppose when I'm in a stressful situation like that it comes back to comfort and I obviously and sadly still find some comfort in the anorexic behaviours. The way I see it is, as long as its not hurting me and only happen sometimes, it's okay.
But as I title the blog "Journey back to Life" it will take time and I do have to rebuild from where I stopped thinking for myself and also be able to reflect back on my past experiences.
Rach
xxxxx
Sunday 6 March 2011
RIP Jeremy Gillitzer ....
Sunday 6th March 2011
8:40am
I was heartbroken last night to read that the male model I speak about in my presentation had died in June 2010.
Jeremy was a male model who developed anorexia after a photographer told him he needed to lose weight. He was also trying to cope with coming out to his family and friends about his sexuality.
When I read the article on the website last night, (on my not so often google search for anorexia, mainly out of interest as I'm trying to see if the links to the pro anorexia websites are slowly going or at least not been on the first few pages of google!) I couldn't believe it. I very quickly filled up with tears and read not just in shock but also in jealousy. Despite being in recovery when I hear about anorexia actually ending someones life, it hurts, that is all I wanted eventually - this need and desire to be the best anorexic. Obviously when I think logically I know how good my life is, I'm lucky as to who I have in my life.
I literally was in shock and couldn't take my eyes off the screen - eventually I managed to put the screen down and just hug Tom (also managing to make him get off is mac for about 10 minutes) get it out of my system and finally be able to once again realise how important my life is, how important people are and why I can't return to my anorexic behaviour as badly as I have done in the past. I don't want to lose this fab relationship I have once again got with my mum as she finally has Rachael back! I also have a new relationship with not just tom but also Jayne, Beany and James!
I'm lucky to be here, I could have been the unlucky one ... it's times like this when I really think about the people who have lost someone through this shitty illness. Just because I may not know people personally who may have died doesn't mean you don't feel something when news like this hits you. It's a very personal journey, I was given 48 hours to live at one point but I really believe my Great Gran was making sure I wasn't going any where.
Life is precious and I'm finally starting to see that .....
Rach
x x x x
8:40am
I was heartbroken last night to read that the male model I speak about in my presentation had died in June 2010.
Jeremy was a male model who developed anorexia after a photographer told him he needed to lose weight. He was also trying to cope with coming out to his family and friends about his sexuality.
When I read the article on the website last night, (on my not so often google search for anorexia, mainly out of interest as I'm trying to see if the links to the pro anorexia websites are slowly going or at least not been on the first few pages of google!) I couldn't believe it. I very quickly filled up with tears and read not just in shock but also in jealousy. Despite being in recovery when I hear about anorexia actually ending someones life, it hurts, that is all I wanted eventually - this need and desire to be the best anorexic. Obviously when I think logically I know how good my life is, I'm lucky as to who I have in my life.
I literally was in shock and couldn't take my eyes off the screen - eventually I managed to put the screen down and just hug Tom (also managing to make him get off is mac for about 10 minutes) get it out of my system and finally be able to once again realise how important my life is, how important people are and why I can't return to my anorexic behaviour as badly as I have done in the past. I don't want to lose this fab relationship I have once again got with my mum as she finally has Rachael back! I also have a new relationship with not just tom but also Jayne, Beany and James!
I'm lucky to be here, I could have been the unlucky one ... it's times like this when I really think about the people who have lost someone through this shitty illness. Just because I may not know people personally who may have died doesn't mean you don't feel something when news like this hits you. It's a very personal journey, I was given 48 hours to live at one point but I really believe my Great Gran was making sure I wasn't going any where.
Life is precious and I'm finally starting to see that .....
Rach
x x x x
Friday 4 March 2011
inspirational?
Friday 4th March 2011
2:01pm
Its been really weird the past few days, lots of young people have told me I was inspirational and brave for doing the assembly and starting to come of the hell of my anorexia.
After the assembly on Wednesday a couple of year 11 students approached me to see if I could offer some advice on their final piece from drama, the position I was in about 3/4 years ago (sadly, I didn't get to do my drama piece but still did well in the subject for GCSE) the group which they were working with had decided to do theirs aroud anorexia. I actually felt privilaged that they wanted me to give them some ideas and talk about what had happened to be for scenes.
I could tell that they were shocked with what I had to say, but I found it important to tell them about some of the more amusing times too - such as the lady deciding clothes were not her friend anymore, the image still vivid in my head!
The pupils were basing their performace around the play "Hard to Swallow" which is A play based on Maureen Dunbar’s award winning novel and film “Catherine” and charts her daughter’s uneven battle with anorexia and the family’s difficulties in coping with it all. Told mainly through the words of Catherine and her family, this uncompromising and sensitive script is equally as popular in schools as it is on the one act play circuit - Hard To Swallow has sold over 15,000 copies in the UK since its publication in 1990 and has become a very popular performance in schools. This dramatisation uses the words from Catherine’s diaries and also of those most closely involved and affected.
The group was so lovely, they seemed to want to listen which was the main importance to me, this was a very sensitive issues which they need to portray well and sensitevly.
So I'm still wondering if I really am inspirational? Does being on the road to recovery from anorexia inspitational? Okay my life has changed dramatically but I still see myself as this ordianry person, okay I have my little quirks but I'm thinking I was sent on this journey for a reason, I'm desperate to help people, okay at times I often ignore myself but I do eventually realise how important life is and I have to pick myself up and carry on.
Despite how horrid my anoreixa is, without it I wouldn't be who I am today. Professionals have said that anorexia is my life - it's not its actually in a weird way more confident and found me someone special who I can see myself being happy with for a long time.
Any person at any age can make a difference, I'm just glad some are finally starting to see this.
Rach
x
2:01pm
Its been really weird the past few days, lots of young people have told me I was inspirational and brave for doing the assembly and starting to come of the hell of my anorexia.
After the assembly on Wednesday a couple of year 11 students approached me to see if I could offer some advice on their final piece from drama, the position I was in about 3/4 years ago (sadly, I didn't get to do my drama piece but still did well in the subject for GCSE) the group which they were working with had decided to do theirs aroud anorexia. I actually felt privilaged that they wanted me to give them some ideas and talk about what had happened to be for scenes.
I could tell that they were shocked with what I had to say, but I found it important to tell them about some of the more amusing times too - such as the lady deciding clothes were not her friend anymore, the image still vivid in my head!
The pupils were basing their performace around the play "Hard to Swallow" which is A play based on Maureen Dunbar’s award winning novel and film “Catherine” and charts her daughter’s uneven battle with anorexia and the family’s difficulties in coping with it all. Told mainly through the words of Catherine and her family, this uncompromising and sensitive script is equally as popular in schools as it is on the one act play circuit - Hard To Swallow has sold over 15,000 copies in the UK since its publication in 1990 and has become a very popular performance in schools. This dramatisation uses the words from Catherine’s diaries and also of those most closely involved and affected.
The group was so lovely, they seemed to want to listen which was the main importance to me, this was a very sensitive issues which they need to portray well and sensitevly.
So I'm still wondering if I really am inspirational? Does being on the road to recovery from anorexia inspitational? Okay my life has changed dramatically but I still see myself as this ordianry person, okay I have my little quirks but I'm thinking I was sent on this journey for a reason, I'm desperate to help people, okay at times I often ignore myself but I do eventually realise how important life is and I have to pick myself up and carry on.
Despite how horrid my anoreixa is, without it I wouldn't be who I am today. Professionals have said that anorexia is my life - it's not its actually in a weird way more confident and found me someone special who I can see myself being happy with for a long time.
Any person at any age can make a difference, I'm just glad some are finally starting to see this.
Rach
x
Tuesday 1 March 2011
MRI Scan ... me ... what!?
Tuesday 1st March 2011
7:55pm
This morning, I had my first talk at Sankey High around anorexia. It was weird and I've never felt so nervous but excited. I was in the building talking about the illness which developed and thrived while I was there. I had so much support there though which was good but I was determined not to accept the help which they offered, the journey of perfection was awaiting me.
The assembly went well, and I loved every minute, it was hard seeing some of the younger ones who were in the primary school as was at and also know on a personal level. I was so worried about how actually hearing what I'd been through! So I made sure that I managed to speak to them before they had to head off to lessons!!
After the assembly I had my own appointment I had to go to, around the same thing which I was standing up and talking about. My appointment was another hit home and how much my anorexia had actually damaged my body. I have been on medication for a long time now, to help with my depression, sleeping and anxiety. As much good as this medication is it also has its downsides, what professionals like to call side affects. The side affect of mine could possible be the twitches and spasms my legs seem to decide to have. It comes to something when your reflexes are described as being too good!! The doctor decided that I should have an MRI scan to make sure that it's nothing more than my medication. It's scary to think that I've got to go through it all. I really hoped the anorexia had done it's damage to me while I was so ill but I forgot about what could happen after.
I knew I could possibly have the onset of osteoporosis but I'd always been told that, however, I was never warned about an MRI scan. I want to just live my life but I understand how that won't just happen over night, I always knew that.
I have another assembly tomorrow at Sankey and then it's up to the school to ensure that they have the support in place to help the pupils in the school who may be going through something similar ... I'm sure we'll find out soon!!
Right then I will leave this here!
Thanks to all of you who read this and to those who re post it on their walls, it's weird to hear about all the people who are reading it!
Rach
xxxx
7:55pm
This morning, I had my first talk at Sankey High around anorexia. It was weird and I've never felt so nervous but excited. I was in the building talking about the illness which developed and thrived while I was there. I had so much support there though which was good but I was determined not to accept the help which they offered, the journey of perfection was awaiting me.
The assembly went well, and I loved every minute, it was hard seeing some of the younger ones who were in the primary school as was at and also know on a personal level. I was so worried about how actually hearing what I'd been through! So I made sure that I managed to speak to them before they had to head off to lessons!!
After the assembly I had my own appointment I had to go to, around the same thing which I was standing up and talking about. My appointment was another hit home and how much my anorexia had actually damaged my body. I have been on medication for a long time now, to help with my depression, sleeping and anxiety. As much good as this medication is it also has its downsides, what professionals like to call side affects. The side affect of mine could possible be the twitches and spasms my legs seem to decide to have. It comes to something when your reflexes are described as being too good!! The doctor decided that I should have an MRI scan to make sure that it's nothing more than my medication. It's scary to think that I've got to go through it all. I really hoped the anorexia had done it's damage to me while I was so ill but I forgot about what could happen after.
I knew I could possibly have the onset of osteoporosis but I'd always been told that, however, I was never warned about an MRI scan. I want to just live my life but I understand how that won't just happen over night, I always knew that.
I have another assembly tomorrow at Sankey and then it's up to the school to ensure that they have the support in place to help the pupils in the school who may be going through something similar ... I'm sure we'll find out soon!!
Right then I will leave this here!
Thanks to all of you who read this and to those who re post it on their walls, it's weird to hear about all the people who are reading it!
Rach
xxxx
Thursday 24 February 2011
life goes on ...
Thursday 24th February 2011
8:27pm
Realising that life moves on is hard, but it does. You have to leave things in the past and except it when it may come round again - either an anniversary or a similar event.
I was talking to the young girls on my street before who were enjoying playing out with their bikes, roller skates and warning each other when a car was coming down the road. I also loved the fact they must have been playing out and pretending they were all sisters, as I got very concerned at one point when a couple of them we 'arguing' when I realised the other called the other mum so was like few - I really didn't want a domestic before I have my own children! Hair pulling and catty comments can wait a good few years yet!!
It made me realise though why so many professionals have this belief that those who suffer from anorexia want to stay young, carry on being the little child in their parents life. For me all I wanted to do was grow up, but sadly that growing up became an obsession and I wanted to be skinner and taller sooner, I wanted to develop sooner I suppose but I ended putting that on hold and this development into this mature woman on hold! I kept my brain in a freezer and it's now got catching up to do with a lot of other people my age.
I loved the fact that the girls have this imagination which runs away with them. I was told about what they had done in school and how they had been playing games and pretending that they were princesses in a magical world. If I could I would go back to primary school and enjoy it a lot more than what I did.
So why life goes on? Simply because it does. 5 years ago I knew my great gran was dying. I couldn't cope with what was going on and hated the fact that I was going to lose her. My erratic eating had already started by this point but got worse and it allowed me to control something in my life. What gets to me is the fact that she died knowing I was unhappy.
Each year I dread this weekend, the lead up is horrible, it's like some horrible count down to a day which I wish had not had happened. I still wish I could ring her up and go and visit her, and yes I do get jealous of people who still have their great grandmas because I miss mine so desperately. Mum reminds me every year that my Great Gran would be more upset to know I was still feeling the way I do and not enjoying my life ... mind you anorexia hasn't really given me that much to enjoy!!
So this year, I was determined to make the day different. I wasn't going to sit and mope in my room on the 26th I was going to keep myself busy. To be honest I think my Grannynanny was listening to me talking out loud and getting frustrated as it happened, I'm going to Huddersfield to see Tom and having some shopping time with his mum (about the only person who doesn't moan while shopping and gets the same pleasure out of it as I do!) okay yes during the week I could feel the same ache which I normally get and my mood got slightly bad as I really believed I didn't deserve to be out and enjoying the day. However, the more I thought about it the more I realised how stupid I was being and my Grannynanny would be pleased with me for the fact I'm actually for once celebrating her life and feeling positive about mine.
I may not be the biggest fan of Tom watching football all the time however, this Huddersfield match fell on the right day and I'm pleased that I'm able to be doing something and keeping busy. So spending my weekend in Huddersfield is what I needed.
I'm starting to finally realise that I need to allow my life to move on, not to live in the past and remind myself people just want me to be happy and allow my self to achieve the dream I have!
Here's to life ...
Rach
xxxxxx
8:27pm
Realising that life moves on is hard, but it does. You have to leave things in the past and except it when it may come round again - either an anniversary or a similar event.
I was talking to the young girls on my street before who were enjoying playing out with their bikes, roller skates and warning each other when a car was coming down the road. I also loved the fact they must have been playing out and pretending they were all sisters, as I got very concerned at one point when a couple of them we 'arguing' when I realised the other called the other mum so was like few - I really didn't want a domestic before I have my own children! Hair pulling and catty comments can wait a good few years yet!!
It made me realise though why so many professionals have this belief that those who suffer from anorexia want to stay young, carry on being the little child in their parents life. For me all I wanted to do was grow up, but sadly that growing up became an obsession and I wanted to be skinner and taller sooner, I wanted to develop sooner I suppose but I ended putting that on hold and this development into this mature woman on hold! I kept my brain in a freezer and it's now got catching up to do with a lot of other people my age.
I loved the fact that the girls have this imagination which runs away with them. I was told about what they had done in school and how they had been playing games and pretending that they were princesses in a magical world. If I could I would go back to primary school and enjoy it a lot more than what I did.
So why life goes on? Simply because it does. 5 years ago I knew my great gran was dying. I couldn't cope with what was going on and hated the fact that I was going to lose her. My erratic eating had already started by this point but got worse and it allowed me to control something in my life. What gets to me is the fact that she died knowing I was unhappy.
Each year I dread this weekend, the lead up is horrible, it's like some horrible count down to a day which I wish had not had happened. I still wish I could ring her up and go and visit her, and yes I do get jealous of people who still have their great grandmas because I miss mine so desperately. Mum reminds me every year that my Great Gran would be more upset to know I was still feeling the way I do and not enjoying my life ... mind you anorexia hasn't really given me that much to enjoy!!
So this year, I was determined to make the day different. I wasn't going to sit and mope in my room on the 26th I was going to keep myself busy. To be honest I think my Grannynanny was listening to me talking out loud and getting frustrated as it happened, I'm going to Huddersfield to see Tom and having some shopping time with his mum (about the only person who doesn't moan while shopping and gets the same pleasure out of it as I do!) okay yes during the week I could feel the same ache which I normally get and my mood got slightly bad as I really believed I didn't deserve to be out and enjoying the day. However, the more I thought about it the more I realised how stupid I was being and my Grannynanny would be pleased with me for the fact I'm actually for once celebrating her life and feeling positive about mine.
I may not be the biggest fan of Tom watching football all the time however, this Huddersfield match fell on the right day and I'm pleased that I'm able to be doing something and keeping busy. So spending my weekend in Huddersfield is what I needed.
I'm starting to finally realise that I need to allow my life to move on, not to live in the past and remind myself people just want me to be happy and allow my self to achieve the dream I have!
Here's to life ...
Rach
xxxxxx
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Zummmmmmmmmmmmba
Tuesday 22nd February 2011
8:21pm
Tonight was the night I ventured back into the world of exercise, but with my mum close by and I was doing it just for me not because of the anorexia for once!! This time about 6 years ago I was forcing myself to 1000 sit ups in order to achieve this unrealistic body which I so wanted.
Walking into the gym was so weird, the smell and all of a sudden all these women walking in - and the little anorexic voice started to pipe up. The zumba class was to be a competition, I sat for a while and battled with it, eventually I won and I was relieved that I could enjoy the time with my mum.
Me and mum have signed up to the class next week and I'm hoping that this will help me with my confidence to eat and eat well, encourage myself to keep going.
As I walked in the studio in the gym, I was shocked (why I don't know) to see the 7ft walled mirror and my reflection glaring back at me. In my own mirror I still don't really see me as 'thin' I really do still look at myself at times and feel like the amount of weight I've gained is horrible and each day I find myself getting big ... much bigger. However, I was shocked as a walked into the studio to see this rather thin girl looking back. At first I didn't even realise it was me, I was so used to seeing this negative image of myself in my mirror that I was shocked to see I actually was thin and I should stop worrying so much. I hate being so body conscious but I suppose getting used to it is all I've done. I'm so negative about myself so often, I know I annoy people if I ask "do I look fat in this?" but if I hadn't have been ill would people really question what I was asking? It's normal for a 19 year old to ask these types of questions, its the reassurance that you do look nice.
I suppose this is going to be gradual thing to get into. Tom has said that he will help me out with doing weights so I can have the confidence with myself and to also 'tone' myself up! I'm very conscious of my stomach especially as my weight has had to be increased over the past few years - god knows what I'll be like when I'm pregnant but I suppose it's different.
So here is to my classes of Zumba with the mother, getting healthier together!
Wish is luck!!!
Rach
x x x
8:21pm
Tonight was the night I ventured back into the world of exercise, but with my mum close by and I was doing it just for me not because of the anorexia for once!! This time about 6 years ago I was forcing myself to 1000 sit ups in order to achieve this unrealistic body which I so wanted.
Walking into the gym was so weird, the smell and all of a sudden all these women walking in - and the little anorexic voice started to pipe up. The zumba class was to be a competition, I sat for a while and battled with it, eventually I won and I was relieved that I could enjoy the time with my mum.
Me and mum have signed up to the class next week and I'm hoping that this will help me with my confidence to eat and eat well, encourage myself to keep going.
As I walked in the studio in the gym, I was shocked (why I don't know) to see the 7ft walled mirror and my reflection glaring back at me. In my own mirror I still don't really see me as 'thin' I really do still look at myself at times and feel like the amount of weight I've gained is horrible and each day I find myself getting big ... much bigger. However, I was shocked as a walked into the studio to see this rather thin girl looking back. At first I didn't even realise it was me, I was so used to seeing this negative image of myself in my mirror that I was shocked to see I actually was thin and I should stop worrying so much. I hate being so body conscious but I suppose getting used to it is all I've done. I'm so negative about myself so often, I know I annoy people if I ask "do I look fat in this?" but if I hadn't have been ill would people really question what I was asking? It's normal for a 19 year old to ask these types of questions, its the reassurance that you do look nice.
I suppose this is going to be gradual thing to get into. Tom has said that he will help me out with doing weights so I can have the confidence with myself and to also 'tone' myself up! I'm very conscious of my stomach especially as my weight has had to be increased over the past few years - god knows what I'll be like when I'm pregnant but I suppose it's different.
So here is to my classes of Zumba with the mother, getting healthier together!
Wish is luck!!!
Rach
x x x
Sunday 20 February 2011
conference ...
Sunday 20th February 2011
2:49pm
The conference on Friday was brilliant, I couldn't believe all the people which had actually come to attend it. With eating disorders being on the rise and breaking into people's lives it's important that the public are aware of what is going on and how they can help.
13 years yesterday by grandad died, although I was only 6 at the time ~ I thought about him so much on the Friday and also my great gran,who's anniversary is next Saturday. My nan commented that they would be so proud of me actually standing there and telling people that my recovery has started and I'm determined to carry on with all the help I have around me!
I spoke to the deligates about my recovery, the people who have made a difference in my life in the past few months especially, these are the months which I've really tried to actually keep on fighting and much stronger too! I obviously spoke about my parents but a few other special people were also mentioned - Naomi, Tom, Jayne and Beany. So many people have done bits to keep me on the road to recovery, but I've been thinking recently - at Warrington Disability Partnership we are doing Going the Extra Mile to help raise funds for Disability Awareness Day, every person who has supported my recovery have done that without actually realising. It's important that going the extra mile doesn't have to be actually doing a mile, but this could also be helping someone more than you would even really think of doing. I've put it across to the younger children it's like helping someone cross the road but the extra mile may be carrying their bags for them as well.
Each of the people who I think of lots and will thank for ever have done this, they're helping along cross the road of anorexia to the road of full recovery, helping me carry all my baggage a long the way. So really they alone could have helped raise the funds for D A D!
Well for now I'm off, this week has been lovely and I'm glad Tom has come home as its completed the week off and I actually slept last night all the way through, so I think Tom been home helped that as things seemed normal =]
Rach
x x x x x
2:49pm
The conference on Friday was brilliant, I couldn't believe all the people which had actually come to attend it. With eating disorders being on the rise and breaking into people's lives it's important that the public are aware of what is going on and how they can help.
13 years yesterday by grandad died, although I was only 6 at the time ~ I thought about him so much on the Friday and also my great gran,who's anniversary is next Saturday. My nan commented that they would be so proud of me actually standing there and telling people that my recovery has started and I'm determined to carry on with all the help I have around me!
I spoke to the deligates about my recovery, the people who have made a difference in my life in the past few months especially, these are the months which I've really tried to actually keep on fighting and much stronger too! I obviously spoke about my parents but a few other special people were also mentioned - Naomi, Tom, Jayne and Beany. So many people have done bits to keep me on the road to recovery, but I've been thinking recently - at Warrington Disability Partnership we are doing Going the Extra Mile to help raise funds for Disability Awareness Day, every person who has supported my recovery have done that without actually realising. It's important that going the extra mile doesn't have to be actually doing a mile, but this could also be helping someone more than you would even really think of doing. I've put it across to the younger children it's like helping someone cross the road but the extra mile may be carrying their bags for them as well.
Each of the people who I think of lots and will thank for ever have done this, they're helping along cross the road of anorexia to the road of full recovery, helping me carry all my baggage a long the way. So really they alone could have helped raise the funds for D A D!
Well for now I'm off, this week has been lovely and I'm glad Tom has come home as its completed the week off and I actually slept last night all the way through, so I think Tom been home helped that as things seemed normal =]
Rach
x x x x x
Wednesday 16 February 2011
... 2 days to go ...
Wednesday 16th February 2011
9:30pm
With two days to go till the conference, I'm surprisingly at ease with the whole giving a presentation bit, but it's the other bits will concern me. You know the bits where lunch is served and all eyes are on me - or I feel that way. The recovering anorexic eating the dream which all parents, families, friends hope for seeing the one they love eating something. I don't really do public eating - I like to have a group of people around me like the security blanket which I often need.
This afternoon as been one of those, just spaced out and not really listening to anything going on around me, I just switched off and my head wondered thoughts took over and I was really was rethinking this recovery thing - stupid I know, it's the best thing I could have ever done. Actually taking the decision to do something with my life and stand up to the illness which had been bullying me continuously and still every now and then it creeps back and I have to try and ignore the screeches and cruel comments which are been hurled at me. That anorexic voice is fading but there are those days when I have to let it take over but I'm able to control it a lot better - this might be how much I eat/drink or how much walking around a do, or if my OCD has to become slightly worse just to help me cope. I know my triggers, so these coping methods may sound weird to those who can just get on with life, normally today would have resulted in a self harm episode.
I've had a few inspirational young people coming into WDP this week, especially with it being the half term and lots of the younger people are more able to get down to the Centre for Independent Living. I think again this has moved me, made me but a different outlook on my life. My anorexia can due to low confidence, wanting control and god knows what else, I didn't ask for it but I often wonder if I could have prevented it? Some of the young people have had disabilities since they were born and they are so lovely to talk to, they want to make a difference, which is why I'm so bloody determined to get the YA project bigger and to expand. I hate reading and hearing about all the negative press young people get, their a minority, the ones who don't understand something different or refuse to believe these people can make a difference to the world.
I look forward to meeting more young people, young people who want to make a difference and who aren't afraid to stand up and speak. There is still so much stigma around disability when there really doesn't have to be. I've finally let myself speak up about mental health and my journey and as I've been told I've got to use my knowledge and understanding to help inspire young people and give them the confidence to stand up for their own rights and what they deserve.
The conference is round the corner, I'm not just sharing my story but raising the awareness about all the other young people out there who want the help and who also want to make a difference.
Rach
xxxx
With two days to go till the conference, I'm surprisingly at ease with the whole giving a presentation bit, but it's the other bits will concern me. You know the bits where lunch is served and all eyes are on me - or I feel that way. The recovering anorexic eating the dream which all parents, families, friends hope for seeing the one they love eating something. I don't really do public eating - I like to have a group of people around me like the security blanket which I often need.
This afternoon as been one of those, just spaced out and not really listening to anything going on around me, I just switched off and my head wondered thoughts took over and I was really was rethinking this recovery thing - stupid I know, it's the best thing I could have ever done. Actually taking the decision to do something with my life and stand up to the illness which had been bullying me continuously and still every now and then it creeps back and I have to try and ignore the screeches and cruel comments which are been hurled at me. That anorexic voice is fading but there are those days when I have to let it take over but I'm able to control it a lot better - this might be how much I eat/drink or how much walking around a do, or if my OCD has to become slightly worse just to help me cope. I know my triggers, so these coping methods may sound weird to those who can just get on with life, normally today would have resulted in a self harm episode.
I've had a few inspirational young people coming into WDP this week, especially with it being the half term and lots of the younger people are more able to get down to the Centre for Independent Living. I think again this has moved me, made me but a different outlook on my life. My anorexia can due to low confidence, wanting control and god knows what else, I didn't ask for it but I often wonder if I could have prevented it? Some of the young people have had disabilities since they were born and they are so lovely to talk to, they want to make a difference, which is why I'm so bloody determined to get the YA project bigger and to expand. I hate reading and hearing about all the negative press young people get, their a minority, the ones who don't understand something different or refuse to believe these people can make a difference to the world.
I look forward to meeting more young people, young people who want to make a difference and who aren't afraid to stand up and speak. There is still so much stigma around disability when there really doesn't have to be. I've finally let myself speak up about mental health and my journey and as I've been told I've got to use my knowledge and understanding to help inspire young people and give them the confidence to stand up for their own rights and what they deserve.
The conference is round the corner, I'm not just sharing my story but raising the awareness about all the other young people out there who want the help and who also want to make a difference.
Rach
xxxx
Friday 11 February 2011
discharged from eating disorder services ...
Friday 11th February 2011
4:04pm
I couldn't believe it yesterday the wanted discharge from services has finally happened! Once this discharge was something which was only wanted so I could loose weight and go back to the self destruction which I never saw but knew was happening deep down.4:04pm
I had spoken about the discharge for a while, I wanted it but was so scared to let that extra bit of support go. It was the bit of the safety net which was keeping everything stuck together and in some sort of order. However, hearing my mum say she thought it was the next best step I knew it had to be done. The time off work with stress which she had off while I was ill and still support me she was a rock and still is. Saying to my consultant, I want to be discharged was weird, I wanted to be discharged so I could go on and live my life without the worry of a weigh in to make sure I was healthy enough to keep me in the big wide world and not locked back up in a eating disorder unit where I was only able to dream about what was happening outside through a haze of strong medication.
I walked out the room with a massive smile on my face, I skipped out!! okay I'd skipped out of the section assessment but I was that ill I'd managed to tell a bunch of "professionals" that I was fine and try really hard while I was in hospital! Mum has been really good, I was so glad she was at the appointment with me, it needed to happen and I'm glad we could walk out the clinic knowing that we wouldn't have to go back again. The other times I've left clinics I knew straight away I would be back, but it the trick was to try and stay out for as long as possible until the decision was just about to be taken out of my hands.
Having this discharge has been a fresh of fresh air, it's proved that I am able to be trusted and maintain a healthier weight, I am finally able to admit I'm happy. Okay my body dismorphia may still be a bit screwed but I will get there and finally able to appreciate who I am.
Roll on to the future, here's to discharge!!
Rachael
xxxxxxx
Wednesday 9 February 2011
reflecting back ...
Wednesday 9th February 2011
11:37am
Yesterday I made the decision to take Dylan (my rather annoying dog - but still lovely all the same) on a "walk" ... it was a rather bad idea in the end, as I managed to get us lost. Dylan likes to think he has charge of the walk, normally it works, he know our route, however, yesterday he didn't know were we were and neither did I! Thankfully I was still in Warrington and hadn't ventured out to far as I realised when I turned up outside the hospital.
At this point I thought I was going to collapse of dehydration, but luckily WDP isn't to far away so I forced myself to keep on going so I could get a drink there, although I hadn't brought any cash with me, remember this was meant to be a nice walk - not a 3hr trek round Warrington! Luckily Jayne was my knight in shining armer and got me a diet coke, it lasted me much longer than I thought it was! Dylan doesn't drink in public, he's a weird little thing - spent to much time with me before I ended up in hollins park, he was still vulnerable then as we'd only just rescued him!
So this morning, I woke up in pain, my legs are killing from the trek and my back is in agony! The big question running round my head was how the hell did I do walks like this when I was so ill and underweight? I don't get it, I didn't ache I didn't moan the following day I simply was proud that I'd walked so far. It's weird. I'd rather me the person sat here today moaning about how much bloody pain I am in! It's weird, really weird. It's like the odd bad day where I don't eat or can't be bothered to eat when it gets late at night I'm starving and wonder how the hell I got through the 10 days where I was eventually rushed back into hospital as a medical emergency, and on a tube feed. How the hell did I get to that point where nothing mattered just the fact that I wanted to self destruct!
Another massive step for me the past few days is the fact I haven't weighed myself for nearly a week. It's like going cold turkey and its been horrible. To a lot of people weighing yourself is something you don't even think about maybe every now and then just out of interest, you worry about it for a few days and then the moment passes until a couple of years later when the same thing happens. However, weighing myself is like this reassurance I'm not over weight as every morning I wake up I feel like I am and I've gained about 50 stone in the night, stupid yes I know, but it happens.
I came to the conclusion if I could do well when I'm at Tom's and away from my home I should be able to do it from home as well. However, it's a routine I seem to find myself in, so this week I'm trying to dam hard not to break it. I suppose it's in time for the conference, and I also want the 26th Feb to come and I'm just like other members of my family and just reflect back on the time I spent with my Great Gran rather than letting the illness take me over for the day. This year I'm glad to say I won't be upset at home but I'm actually going to be in Huddersfield with Tom and his mummy and daddy! The lads are off to watch the football and the girlies are off for some retail therapy round the town centre. I think this will be one of the only times I won't moan about football!!
So more milestones are being set in and I'm hoping they will stay!! I've got plenty of support around me and I'm looking forward to hoping I can say I've not weighed myself for 6 months like I can now say about my self harming! I am one very happy person taking this one baby step at a time.
thanks for all you support everyone
Rach
xxxx
11:37am
Yesterday I made the decision to take Dylan (my rather annoying dog - but still lovely all the same) on a "walk" ... it was a rather bad idea in the end, as I managed to get us lost. Dylan likes to think he has charge of the walk, normally it works, he know our route, however, yesterday he didn't know were we were and neither did I! Thankfully I was still in Warrington and hadn't ventured out to far as I realised when I turned up outside the hospital.
At this point I thought I was going to collapse of dehydration, but luckily WDP isn't to far away so I forced myself to keep on going so I could get a drink there, although I hadn't brought any cash with me, remember this was meant to be a nice walk - not a 3hr trek round Warrington! Luckily Jayne was my knight in shining armer and got me a diet coke, it lasted me much longer than I thought it was! Dylan doesn't drink in public, he's a weird little thing - spent to much time with me before I ended up in hollins park, he was still vulnerable then as we'd only just rescued him!
So this morning, I woke up in pain, my legs are killing from the trek and my back is in agony! The big question running round my head was how the hell did I do walks like this when I was so ill and underweight? I don't get it, I didn't ache I didn't moan the following day I simply was proud that I'd walked so far. It's weird. I'd rather me the person sat here today moaning about how much bloody pain I am in! It's weird, really weird. It's like the odd bad day where I don't eat or can't be bothered to eat when it gets late at night I'm starving and wonder how the hell I got through the 10 days where I was eventually rushed back into hospital as a medical emergency, and on a tube feed. How the hell did I get to that point where nothing mattered just the fact that I wanted to self destruct!
Another massive step for me the past few days is the fact I haven't weighed myself for nearly a week. It's like going cold turkey and its been horrible. To a lot of people weighing yourself is something you don't even think about maybe every now and then just out of interest, you worry about it for a few days and then the moment passes until a couple of years later when the same thing happens. However, weighing myself is like this reassurance I'm not over weight as every morning I wake up I feel like I am and I've gained about 50 stone in the night, stupid yes I know, but it happens.
I came to the conclusion if I could do well when I'm at Tom's and away from my home I should be able to do it from home as well. However, it's a routine I seem to find myself in, so this week I'm trying to dam hard not to break it. I suppose it's in time for the conference, and I also want the 26th Feb to come and I'm just like other members of my family and just reflect back on the time I spent with my Great Gran rather than letting the illness take me over for the day. This year I'm glad to say I won't be upset at home but I'm actually going to be in Huddersfield with Tom and his mummy and daddy! The lads are off to watch the football and the girlies are off for some retail therapy round the town centre. I think this will be one of the only times I won't moan about football!!
So more milestones are being set in and I'm hoping they will stay!! I've got plenty of support around me and I'm looking forward to hoping I can say I've not weighed myself for 6 months like I can now say about my self harming! I am one very happy person taking this one baby step at a time.
thanks for all you support everyone
Rach
xxxx
Monday 7 February 2011
tea time and visitors ...
Monday 7th February 2011
7:42pm
As always when the door bell rings and I'm about to start either eating my tea or preparing it, I freeze. Literally freeze. The knot in my stomach is horrible and the feeling of sickness comes on all of a sudden, suddenly loosing the appetite I had managed to gain back.
I hoped this would all go or would have gone by now, I'm 19 I shouldn't care if people see me eat! Some people are lucky enough to see the amazing talent of me eating - why am I being sarcastic? I'm used to people making stupid comments about the anorexic eating, or the funny looks I get after explain I have an eating disorder, although sometimes the looks and comments are rather entertaining, but other times I just feel like stopping the meal I find myself looking at and already not really wanting to eat!
It doesn't matter how lovely a person is, the feelings I get around me, them and food is not exactly positive! I result in either hiding in the kitchen or covering up my food and racing up the stairs to eat in my room, in my own private place without the worry of people commenting on my eating habits!
Eating is not as much as a problem but I still don't like eating on my own in other people's houses, I freak out or worry they won't believe I've actually eaten the food, if some of it is eaten before they return back to join me! Work is a good one, I can't sit down on my own at a table until someone is there! At times I find myself wondering aimlessly outside the canteen waiting, normally for Jayne!, before I can go in sit down and eat! It's stupid little things which pee me off, the fact that my eating disorder can still dominate the times of food - well big meals! Little things like snack foods I'm fine with!
My head I suppose is one thing I struggle to understand! I'm the happiest I've been in a long time but yet the anorexia is still trying it's hardest to wiggle it's way back in but a long list of people will help me to stay well!
This is why I look forward to the conference, I can give other people the hope that although little habits may stick, I have the confidence along with my other supporters to get through it and concentrate on the bigger and more positive things in my life and not to dwell on the little niggles which seem to dominate the times were I struggle the most but yet I'm able to have the links in place to get me though the day!
So my life is moving on, and I like the fact I can accept this!
Love
Rach
xxxx
7:42pm
As always when the door bell rings and I'm about to start either eating my tea or preparing it, I freeze. Literally freeze. The knot in my stomach is horrible and the feeling of sickness comes on all of a sudden, suddenly loosing the appetite I had managed to gain back.
I hoped this would all go or would have gone by now, I'm 19 I shouldn't care if people see me eat! Some people are lucky enough to see the amazing talent of me eating - why am I being sarcastic? I'm used to people making stupid comments about the anorexic eating, or the funny looks I get after explain I have an eating disorder, although sometimes the looks and comments are rather entertaining, but other times I just feel like stopping the meal I find myself looking at and already not really wanting to eat!
It doesn't matter how lovely a person is, the feelings I get around me, them and food is not exactly positive! I result in either hiding in the kitchen or covering up my food and racing up the stairs to eat in my room, in my own private place without the worry of people commenting on my eating habits!
Eating is not as much as a problem but I still don't like eating on my own in other people's houses, I freak out or worry they won't believe I've actually eaten the food, if some of it is eaten before they return back to join me! Work is a good one, I can't sit down on my own at a table until someone is there! At times I find myself wondering aimlessly outside the canteen waiting, normally for Jayne!, before I can go in sit down and eat! It's stupid little things which pee me off, the fact that my eating disorder can still dominate the times of food - well big meals! Little things like snack foods I'm fine with!
My head I suppose is one thing I struggle to understand! I'm the happiest I've been in a long time but yet the anorexia is still trying it's hardest to wiggle it's way back in but a long list of people will help me to stay well!
This is why I look forward to the conference, I can give other people the hope that although little habits may stick, I have the confidence along with my other supporters to get through it and concentrate on the bigger and more positive things in my life and not to dwell on the little niggles which seem to dominate the times were I struggle the most but yet I'm able to have the links in place to get me though the day!
So my life is moving on, and I like the fact I can accept this!
Love
Rach
xxxx
Tuesday 1 February 2011
... creating a future ...
Tuesday 1st February 2011
6:36pm
Recently I have realised how much the experience being gained with Warrington Disability Partnership is helping me achieve my dreams for creating a future, a positive one, and one which I intend to live to my full potential.
Last week I worked with a primary school in warrington which helped them to understand more about disabilities and how they may affect someone in all sorts of different ways. The primary school children are so lovely to work with, and what I loved more than anything was how they are not scared to ask you the questions that everyone wants to know. One child asked "what's it like to be disabled?" the teacher looked shocked that the question had been asked but I think it needed to and I was glad it was.
Primary School is the age I would love to develop work with. They still have the want to know, and getting them early about things such as disability always helps for the future. Not just the disabilities which people are more willing to talk about - seen disabilities but also the unseen disabilities which teachers or other tend to be scared of talking about, mental health especially or learning difficulties which may not be noticeable.
The fact that a young child can stand up in front of his classmates and tell them he doesn't like being laughed at due to his disability was so moving. The class realised how much this could hurt someone just a snigger at the back of a room if someone "acts up".
I was able to speak to year 6 about body image, something which I started to struggle with at their age, I felt bigger than everyone else, smaller and not as worthy. I asked the children to think of 2 positive things about themselves and a lot of them struggled, which was really sad to see! We can easily give positive comments to other people but to our selves we feel vain and that positivity is not worth to give to ourselves.
Tomorrow I'm off to another Primary School and I look forward to speaking to more younger people. The High Schools are also lovely to work in, they want to interact at times, and my personal talk can make a much bigger impact on them, especially to young girls, despite the fact eating disorders do also affect lads too.
The Primary School, made me realise I need to carry on with what I'm doing these young children are our future and maybe one day they will be carrying on the work which WDP do now.
love
Rach
x x x
6:36pm
Recently I have realised how much the experience being gained with Warrington Disability Partnership is helping me achieve my dreams for creating a future, a positive one, and one which I intend to live to my full potential.
Last week I worked with a primary school in warrington which helped them to understand more about disabilities and how they may affect someone in all sorts of different ways. The primary school children are so lovely to work with, and what I loved more than anything was how they are not scared to ask you the questions that everyone wants to know. One child asked "what's it like to be disabled?" the teacher looked shocked that the question had been asked but I think it needed to and I was glad it was.
Primary School is the age I would love to develop work with. They still have the want to know, and getting them early about things such as disability always helps for the future. Not just the disabilities which people are more willing to talk about - seen disabilities but also the unseen disabilities which teachers or other tend to be scared of talking about, mental health especially or learning difficulties which may not be noticeable.
The fact that a young child can stand up in front of his classmates and tell them he doesn't like being laughed at due to his disability was so moving. The class realised how much this could hurt someone just a snigger at the back of a room if someone "acts up".
I was able to speak to year 6 about body image, something which I started to struggle with at their age, I felt bigger than everyone else, smaller and not as worthy. I asked the children to think of 2 positive things about themselves and a lot of them struggled, which was really sad to see! We can easily give positive comments to other people but to our selves we feel vain and that positivity is not worth to give to ourselves.
Tomorrow I'm off to another Primary School and I look forward to speaking to more younger people. The High Schools are also lovely to work in, they want to interact at times, and my personal talk can make a much bigger impact on them, especially to young girls, despite the fact eating disorders do also affect lads too.
The Primary School, made me realise I need to carry on with what I'm doing these young children are our future and maybe one day they will be carrying on the work which WDP do now.
love
Rach
x x x
Sunday 23 January 2011
Tangled ...
Sunday 23rd January 2011
6:06pm
" All those days watching from the windows ... All those years outside looking in ... All that time never even knowing ... Just how blind I've been ... Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight ... Now I'm here, suddenly I see ... Standing here, it's all so clear ... I'm where I'm meant to be ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the fog has lifted ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the sky is new ... And it's warm and real and bright ... And the world has somehow shifted ... All at once everything looks different ... Now that I see you"
Many people have told me that there is a film out there which you can relate your life to. I believed a song could do that but never an entire film. However, I sat in the ODEON cinema in my pink bridesmaid dress and what this film show what my life has been like over the past few years. I felt as though I was the character, stuck in a tower unable to break free from the anorexia. The minute I heard this song I cried, not because the film was sad, but because for once words seemed to be making sense.
When the fog lifts from something as evil as an eating disorder, life seems to be like a dream. However, although I may have decided to make the steps into recovery in 2009, it wasn't until 2010 that things seemed to be slipping in to place. I remember being able to feel emotions again other than just sad. I think the past 6 months have brought me emotions I was too scared to allow back into me due to the fear of people thinking I was better than what I really was.
So this poor lost princess is locked away in a tower because of an evil which, no prince charming is needed to reassure her it is simply just her on determination which will allow her to be free, and this will allow the rest of her life to change one step at a time. My determination was there to beat my anorexia and when I found the strength and determination to keep on going my life slowly slotted into place. I realised that being in college was in fact not the best solution, I work from home on that front and dedicate my time to WDP, the big part of my life which is keeping me independent and it keeps me on the correct road to recovery.
Mum has been amazing and could again link her to the queen in the castle with the king crying as their daughter had gone and although they wanted her back their didn't seem much hope.
However, of course there is a happy ending, there has to be, one it's a Disney film and two I refuse my years of battling with anorexia beat me and stop my recovery not when for once I feel my life is worth living and people actually want me around.
The princess of course falls in love and wonders if this is what life should be like. Fears fade away and hope starts to run through her veins and positive thoughts finally are able to battle and beat the negative thoughts about the world, herself and everything around her.
The timing of this film for me is appropriate, maybe by some weird coincidence, who knows - but when you have something perfect you don't want to let it go and yet you worry it will leave you. For once I know I'm living in reality, I pinch myself far to often as I half expect to wake up in Hollins Park when I stop pinching. Tomorrow I've been "courting" (as Jayne would say) Tom for 6 months. I've surprised myself! I thought within a couple of weeks I'd have scared him off, however I've reached somewhere I've wanted to. I've stopped setting myself big massive goals and just little ones. I was determined to become more open about things, which gradually I've done. Life changes each day and Tom has become a big part of mine. Having someone around who didn't know me when I was ill is actually really helpful, he sees things which would normally have not phased me. I know self harm is not the way to resolve issues but it's helped. Doing it was normal I coped, people excepted that, but Tom wouldn't, not because he's horrible but he knew if no one said self harm wasn't the way no matter how much better it is to what it used to be I would never stop ... he knew as well as I did I wanted to. I think it's different coming from someone outside the family, mum had begged me to stop. I knew she hated it but it didn't matter.
So this could possibly be it, my tangled complicated life could possibly become untangled and my anorexia just a story, a memory something which I can talk to others about the dangers of what can happen. I know I have demons to face and prejudice ahead but allowing myself to speak up allows me to gain the confidence to carry on.
So thanks to all the people who have got me to this point, to me sitting here able to realise how much my life is changing for the best ... so mum, dad, phillip, tom, jayne, beany, wdp and everyone else.
Meeting Tom has made me realise how much I do deserve to be happy, it's like what I wanted what mum promised me when we were told I had 48hrs to live. She told me life would be worth fighting for, I would find me once again Rachael in all the layers was going to come back. I would do something amazing and help others and find the boyfriend I had always wanted, who I could see a future with. For once the past 6 months my determination to recover is paying off and my anorexia is not getting in the way of me being happy!
I tell mum and dad often enough how much their support has helped, but there is also two other people over the past 6 months who have made a massive and positive difference to who I am. Jayne and Graham have helped me a lot more than I could have ever possible imagined. I've heard a few people not like their boyfriend parents but I think I get on with them too well! Comes to something when you know what they drink and feel comfortable to rob a sofa for the evening! Having that support outside your own parents is really nice and I think that's what the transition process from the anorexia controlling me to me controlling the anorexia so much easier. I may have had to leave people behind during my Journey so far but allowing people in is so nice, my circle of trust is getting bigger but it's comfortable.
So here's to another good 6 months
Love
Rach
x x x x x x
" All those days watching from the windows ... All those years outside looking in ... All that time never even knowing ... Just how blind I've been ... Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight ... Now I'm here, suddenly I see ... Standing here, it's all so clear ... I'm where I'm meant to be ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the fog has lifted ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the sky is new ... And it's warm and real and bright ... And the world has somehow shifted ... All at once everything looks different ... Now that I see you"Many people have told me that there is a film out there which you can relate your life to. I believed a song could do that but never an entire film. However, I sat in the ODEON cinema in my pink bridesmaid dress and what this film show what my life has been like over the past few years. I felt as though I was the character, stuck in a tower unable to break free from the anorexia. The minute I heard this song I cried, not because the film was sad, but because for once words seemed to be making sense.
When the fog lifts from something as evil as an eating disorder, life seems to be like a dream. However, although I may have decided to make the steps into recovery in 2009, it wasn't until 2010 that things seemed to be slipping in to place. I remember being able to feel emotions again other than just sad. I think the past 6 months have brought me emotions I was too scared to allow back into me due to the fear of people thinking I was better than what I really was.
So this poor lost princess is locked away in a tower because of an evil which, no prince charming is needed to reassure her it is simply just her on determination which will allow her to be free, and this will allow the rest of her life to change one step at a time. My determination was there to beat my anorexia and when I found the strength and determination to keep on going my life slowly slotted into place. I realised that being in college was in fact not the best solution, I work from home on that front and dedicate my time to WDP, the big part of my life which is keeping me independent and it keeps me on the correct road to recovery.
Mum has been amazing and could again link her to the queen in the castle with the king crying as their daughter had gone and although they wanted her back their didn't seem much hope.
However, of course there is a happy ending, there has to be, one it's a Disney film and two I refuse my years of battling with anorexia beat me and stop my recovery not when for once I feel my life is worth living and people actually want me around.
The princess of course falls in love and wonders if this is what life should be like. Fears fade away and hope starts to run through her veins and positive thoughts finally are able to battle and beat the negative thoughts about the world, herself and everything around her.
The timing of this film for me is appropriate, maybe by some weird coincidence, who knows - but when you have something perfect you don't want to let it go and yet you worry it will leave you. For once I know I'm living in reality, I pinch myself far to often as I half expect to wake up in Hollins Park when I stop pinching. Tomorrow I've been "courting" (as Jayne would say) Tom for 6 months. I've surprised myself! I thought within a couple of weeks I'd have scared him off, however I've reached somewhere I've wanted to. I've stopped setting myself big massive goals and just little ones. I was determined to become more open about things, which gradually I've done. Life changes each day and Tom has become a big part of mine. Having someone around who didn't know me when I was ill is actually really helpful, he sees things which would normally have not phased me. I know self harm is not the way to resolve issues but it's helped. Doing it was normal I coped, people excepted that, but Tom wouldn't, not because he's horrible but he knew if no one said self harm wasn't the way no matter how much better it is to what it used to be I would never stop ... he knew as well as I did I wanted to. I think it's different coming from someone outside the family, mum had begged me to stop. I knew she hated it but it didn't matter.
So this could possibly be it, my tangled complicated life could possibly become untangled and my anorexia just a story, a memory something which I can talk to others about the dangers of what can happen. I know I have demons to face and prejudice ahead but allowing myself to speak up allows me to gain the confidence to carry on.
So thanks to all the people who have got me to this point, to me sitting here able to realise how much my life is changing for the best ... so mum, dad, phillip, tom, jayne, beany, wdp and everyone else.
Meeting Tom has made me realise how much I do deserve to be happy, it's like what I wanted what mum promised me when we were told I had 48hrs to live. She told me life would be worth fighting for, I would find me once again Rachael in all the layers was going to come back. I would do something amazing and help others and find the boyfriend I had always wanted, who I could see a future with. For once the past 6 months my determination to recover is paying off and my anorexia is not getting in the way of me being happy!
I tell mum and dad often enough how much their support has helped, but there is also two other people over the past 6 months who have made a massive and positive difference to who I am. Jayne and Graham have helped me a lot more than I could have ever possible imagined. I've heard a few people not like their boyfriend parents but I think I get on with them too well! Comes to something when you know what they drink and feel comfortable to rob a sofa for the evening! Having that support outside your own parents is really nice and I think that's what the transition process from the anorexia controlling me to me controlling the anorexia so much easier. I may have had to leave people behind during my Journey so far but allowing people in is so nice, my circle of trust is getting bigger but it's comfortable.
So here's to another good 6 months
Love
Rach
x x x x x x
Wednesday 19 January 2011
princess to be ...
Wednesday 19th February 2011
7:21pm
This winter has by far been one of the best. Although it may not be my favourite season to see, it was livable. I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder in about september, which I don't really think is true but who knows, depression normally sounds better when it has a proper name, more clinical for the 'professionals'.
So we're 19 days into 2011, and it seems weird! I want 2011 to be as good as or better than 2010, but as good as will do. The past few weeks have been manic, but for once I've coped. I've not restricted my food intake or taken things out on myself. For once I've talked to people about how I'm feeling, so okay the stress tears have been there and my Jayne hugs in work have been needed but I got through and the best thing of all I carried on eating and didn't self harm! Coming home was good too =] welcomed with big hugs from mum and a chat to talk about my day and the way in which I could gain the weight back over christmas which I had lost mainly due to stress.
Coming back to work knowing a routine was there in place was really nice, I could feel the hectic holiday period finally ending and a nice set routine was coming back into place. I could start to plan my days properly again and plus get prepared for talks and events in schools. Been given more responsibility is really good plus it makes me think more and also makes me realise when I need to just chill out and walk off for a wander for a cuppa or diet coke =]
The driving lessons have started up again so I'm hoping I can finish them properly this time! without starting to feel ill again and worrying about everything!
Appointment have been going well and I will look forward to march when my medication can hopefully be reduced =] tom came with me to both this month which was helpful and also a change, normally mum comes along and kicks ass! lol!!
So WDP have their tangled event on Sunday at the Odeon - can't wait! Can't wait to put on my pink dress and be a princess for the day! - Its gone really well, Alan has done him self proud selling them all =] so looks like me and alan are going to be dressed up all pretty sitting in the cinema - although I hope that I can fit in the cinema seats with this dress!! that may be a challenge!!
x x x x x x x x x x
7:21pm
This winter has by far been one of the best. Although it may not be my favourite season to see, it was livable. I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder in about september, which I don't really think is true but who knows, depression normally sounds better when it has a proper name, more clinical for the 'professionals'.
So we're 19 days into 2011, and it seems weird! I want 2011 to be as good as or better than 2010, but as good as will do. The past few weeks have been manic, but for once I've coped. I've not restricted my food intake or taken things out on myself. For once I've talked to people about how I'm feeling, so okay the stress tears have been there and my Jayne hugs in work have been needed but I got through and the best thing of all I carried on eating and didn't self harm! Coming home was good too =] welcomed with big hugs from mum and a chat to talk about my day and the way in which I could gain the weight back over christmas which I had lost mainly due to stress.
Coming back to work knowing a routine was there in place was really nice, I could feel the hectic holiday period finally ending and a nice set routine was coming back into place. I could start to plan my days properly again and plus get prepared for talks and events in schools. Been given more responsibility is really good plus it makes me think more and also makes me realise when I need to just chill out and walk off for a wander for a cuppa or diet coke =]
The driving lessons have started up again so I'm hoping I can finish them properly this time! without starting to feel ill again and worrying about everything!
Appointment have been going well and I will look forward to march when my medication can hopefully be reduced =] tom came with me to both this month which was helpful and also a change, normally mum comes along and kicks ass! lol!!
So WDP have their tangled event on Sunday at the Odeon - can't wait! Can't wait to put on my pink dress and be a princess for the day! - Its gone really well, Alan has done him self proud selling them all =] so looks like me and alan are going to be dressed up all pretty sitting in the cinema - although I hope that I can fit in the cinema seats with this dress!! that may be a challenge!!
x x x x x x x x x x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)