feelings of losing control ...

Sunday 29th May 2011
06:49am



A while since I last blogged!

I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.

Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.

I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!

I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.

Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.

When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.

I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!

As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!

Love
Rach
xxx