Monday 7th February 2011
7:42pm
As always when the door bell rings and I'm about to start either eating my tea or preparing it, I freeze. Literally freeze. The knot in my stomach is horrible and the feeling of sickness comes on all of a sudden, suddenly loosing the appetite I had managed to gain back.
I hoped this would all go or would have gone by now, I'm 19 I shouldn't care if people see me eat! Some people are lucky enough to see the amazing talent of me eating - why am I being sarcastic? I'm used to people making stupid comments about the anorexic eating, or the funny looks I get after explain I have an eating disorder, although sometimes the looks and comments are rather entertaining, but other times I just feel like stopping the meal I find myself looking at and already not really wanting to eat!
It doesn't matter how lovely a person is, the feelings I get around me, them and food is not exactly positive! I result in either hiding in the kitchen or covering up my food and racing up the stairs to eat in my room, in my own private place without the worry of people commenting on my eating habits!
Eating is not as much as a problem but I still don't like eating on my own in other people's houses, I freak out or worry they won't believe I've actually eaten the food, if some of it is eaten before they return back to join me! Work is a good one, I can't sit down on my own at a table until someone is there! At times I find myself wondering aimlessly outside the canteen waiting, normally for Jayne!, before I can go in sit down and eat! It's stupid little things which pee me off, the fact that my eating disorder can still dominate the times of food - well big meals! Little things like snack foods I'm fine with!
My head I suppose is one thing I struggle to understand! I'm the happiest I've been in a long time but yet the anorexia is still trying it's hardest to wiggle it's way back in but a long list of people will help me to stay well!
This is why I look forward to the conference, I can give other people the hope that although little habits may stick, I have the confidence along with my other supporters to get through it and concentrate on the bigger and more positive things in my life and not to dwell on the little niggles which seem to dominate the times were I struggle the most but yet I'm able to have the links in place to get me though the day!
So my life is moving on, and I like the fact I can accept this!
Love
Rach
xxxx
7:42pm
As always when the door bell rings and I'm about to start either eating my tea or preparing it, I freeze. Literally freeze. The knot in my stomach is horrible and the feeling of sickness comes on all of a sudden, suddenly loosing the appetite I had managed to gain back.
I hoped this would all go or would have gone by now, I'm 19 I shouldn't care if people see me eat! Some people are lucky enough to see the amazing talent of me eating - why am I being sarcastic? I'm used to people making stupid comments about the anorexic eating, or the funny looks I get after explain I have an eating disorder, although sometimes the looks and comments are rather entertaining, but other times I just feel like stopping the meal I find myself looking at and already not really wanting to eat!
It doesn't matter how lovely a person is, the feelings I get around me, them and food is not exactly positive! I result in either hiding in the kitchen or covering up my food and racing up the stairs to eat in my room, in my own private place without the worry of people commenting on my eating habits!
Eating is not as much as a problem but I still don't like eating on my own in other people's houses, I freak out or worry they won't believe I've actually eaten the food, if some of it is eaten before they return back to join me! Work is a good one, I can't sit down on my own at a table until someone is there! At times I find myself wondering aimlessly outside the canteen waiting, normally for Jayne!, before I can go in sit down and eat! It's stupid little things which pee me off, the fact that my eating disorder can still dominate the times of food - well big meals! Little things like snack foods I'm fine with!
My head I suppose is one thing I struggle to understand! I'm the happiest I've been in a long time but yet the anorexia is still trying it's hardest to wiggle it's way back in but a long list of people will help me to stay well!
This is why I look forward to the conference, I can give other people the hope that although little habits may stick, I have the confidence along with my other supporters to get through it and concentrate on the bigger and more positive things in my life and not to dwell on the little niggles which seem to dominate the times were I struggle the most but yet I'm able to have the links in place to get me though the day!
So my life is moving on, and I like the fact I can accept this!
Love
Rach
xxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please feel free to leave a message ...