life goes on ...

Thursday 24th February 2011
8:27pm

Realising that life moves on is hard, but it does. You have to leave things in the past and except it when it may come round again - either an anniversary or a similar event.

I was talking to the young girls on my street before who were enjoying playing out with their bikes, roller skates and warning each other when a car was coming down the road. I also loved the fact they must have been playing out and pretending they were all sisters, as I got very concerned at one point when a couple of them we 'arguing' when I realised the other called the other mum so was like few - I really didn't want a domestic before I have my own children! Hair pulling and catty comments can wait a good few years yet!!

It made me realise though why so many professionals have this belief that those who suffer from anorexia want to stay young, carry on being the little child in their parents life. For me all I wanted to do was grow up, but sadly that growing up became an obsession and I wanted to be skinner and taller sooner, I wanted to develop sooner I suppose but I ended putting that on hold and this development into this mature woman on hold! I kept my brain in a freezer and it's now got catching up to do with a lot of other people my age.

I loved the fact that the girls have this imagination which runs away with them. I was told about what they had done in school and how they had been playing games and pretending that they were princesses in a magical world. If I could I would go back to primary school and enjoy it a lot more than what I did.

So why life goes on? Simply because it does. 5 years ago I knew my great gran was dying. I couldn't cope with what was going on and hated the fact that I was going to lose her. My erratic eating had already started by this point but got worse and it allowed me to control something in my life. What gets to me is the fact that she died knowing I was unhappy.

Each year I dread this weekend, the lead up is horrible, it's like some horrible count down to a day which I wish had not had happened. I still wish I could ring her up and go and visit her, and yes I do get jealous of people who still have their great grandmas because I miss mine so desperately. Mum reminds me every year that my Great Gran would be more upset to know I was still feeling the way I do and not enjoying my life ... mind you anorexia hasn't really given me that much to enjoy!!

So this year, I was determined to make the day different. I wasn't going to sit and mope in my room on the 26th I was going to keep myself busy. To be honest I think my Grannynanny was listening to me talking out loud and getting frustrated as it happened, I'm going to Huddersfield to see Tom and having some shopping time with his mum (about the only person who doesn't moan while shopping and gets the same pleasure out of it as I do!) okay yes during the week I could feel the same ache which I normally get and my mood got slightly bad as I really believed I didn't deserve to be out and enjoying the day. However, the more I thought about it the more I realised how stupid I was being and my Grannynanny would be pleased with me for the fact I'm actually for once celebrating her life and feeling positive about mine.

I may not be the biggest fan of Tom watching football all the time however, this Huddersfield match fell on the right day and I'm pleased that I'm able to be doing something and keeping busy. So spending my weekend in Huddersfield is what I needed.

I'm starting to finally realise that I need to allow my life to move on, not to live in the past and remind myself people just want me to be happy and allow my self to achieve the dream I have!

Here's to life ...

Rach
xxxxxx