Wednesday 9th February 2011
11:37am
Yesterday I made the decision to take Dylan (my rather annoying dog - but still lovely all the same) on a "walk" ... it was a rather bad idea in the end, as I managed to get us lost. Dylan likes to think he has charge of the walk, normally it works, he know our route, however, yesterday he didn't know were we were and neither did I! Thankfully I was still in Warrington and hadn't ventured out to far as I realised when I turned up outside the hospital.
At this point I thought I was going to collapse of dehydration, but luckily WDP isn't to far away so I forced myself to keep on going so I could get a drink there, although I hadn't brought any cash with me, remember this was meant to be a nice walk - not a 3hr trek round Warrington! Luckily Jayne was my knight in shining armer and got me a diet coke, it lasted me much longer than I thought it was! Dylan doesn't drink in public, he's a weird little thing - spent to much time with me before I ended up in hollins park, he was still vulnerable then as we'd only just rescued him!
So this morning, I woke up in pain, my legs are killing from the trek and my back is in agony! The big question running round my head was how the hell did I do walks like this when I was so ill and underweight? I don't get it, I didn't ache I didn't moan the following day I simply was proud that I'd walked so far. It's weird. I'd rather me the person sat here today moaning about how much bloody pain I am in! It's weird, really weird. It's like the odd bad day where I don't eat or can't be bothered to eat when it gets late at night I'm starving and wonder how the hell I got through the 10 days where I was eventually rushed back into hospital as a medical emergency, and on a tube feed. How the hell did I get to that point where nothing mattered just the fact that I wanted to self destruct!
Another massive step for me the past few days is the fact I haven't weighed myself for nearly a week. It's like going cold turkey and its been horrible. To a lot of people weighing yourself is something you don't even think about maybe every now and then just out of interest, you worry about it for a few days and then the moment passes until a couple of years later when the same thing happens. However, weighing myself is like this reassurance I'm not over weight as every morning I wake up I feel like I am and I've gained about 50 stone in the night, stupid yes I know, but it happens.
I came to the conclusion if I could do well when I'm at Tom's and away from my home I should be able to do it from home as well. However, it's a routine I seem to find myself in, so this week I'm trying to dam hard not to break it. I suppose it's in time for the conference, and I also want the 26th Feb to come and I'm just like other members of my family and just reflect back on the time I spent with my Great Gran rather than letting the illness take me over for the day. This year I'm glad to say I won't be upset at home but I'm actually going to be in Huddersfield with Tom and his mummy and daddy! The lads are off to watch the football and the girlies are off for some retail therapy round the town centre. I think this will be one of the only times I won't moan about football!!
So more milestones are being set in and I'm hoping they will stay!! I've got plenty of support around me and I'm looking forward to hoping I can say I've not weighed myself for 6 months like I can now say about my self harming! I am one very happy person taking this one baby step at a time.
thanks for all you support everyone
Rach
xxxx
11:37am
Yesterday I made the decision to take Dylan (my rather annoying dog - but still lovely all the same) on a "walk" ... it was a rather bad idea in the end, as I managed to get us lost. Dylan likes to think he has charge of the walk, normally it works, he know our route, however, yesterday he didn't know were we were and neither did I! Thankfully I was still in Warrington and hadn't ventured out to far as I realised when I turned up outside the hospital.
At this point I thought I was going to collapse of dehydration, but luckily WDP isn't to far away so I forced myself to keep on going so I could get a drink there, although I hadn't brought any cash with me, remember this was meant to be a nice walk - not a 3hr trek round Warrington! Luckily Jayne was my knight in shining armer and got me a diet coke, it lasted me much longer than I thought it was! Dylan doesn't drink in public, he's a weird little thing - spent to much time with me before I ended up in hollins park, he was still vulnerable then as we'd only just rescued him!
So this morning, I woke up in pain, my legs are killing from the trek and my back is in agony! The big question running round my head was how the hell did I do walks like this when I was so ill and underweight? I don't get it, I didn't ache I didn't moan the following day I simply was proud that I'd walked so far. It's weird. I'd rather me the person sat here today moaning about how much bloody pain I am in! It's weird, really weird. It's like the odd bad day where I don't eat or can't be bothered to eat when it gets late at night I'm starving and wonder how the hell I got through the 10 days where I was eventually rushed back into hospital as a medical emergency, and on a tube feed. How the hell did I get to that point where nothing mattered just the fact that I wanted to self destruct!
Another massive step for me the past few days is the fact I haven't weighed myself for nearly a week. It's like going cold turkey and its been horrible. To a lot of people weighing yourself is something you don't even think about maybe every now and then just out of interest, you worry about it for a few days and then the moment passes until a couple of years later when the same thing happens. However, weighing myself is like this reassurance I'm not over weight as every morning I wake up I feel like I am and I've gained about 50 stone in the night, stupid yes I know, but it happens.
I came to the conclusion if I could do well when I'm at Tom's and away from my home I should be able to do it from home as well. However, it's a routine I seem to find myself in, so this week I'm trying to dam hard not to break it. I suppose it's in time for the conference, and I also want the 26th Feb to come and I'm just like other members of my family and just reflect back on the time I spent with my Great Gran rather than letting the illness take me over for the day. This year I'm glad to say I won't be upset at home but I'm actually going to be in Huddersfield with Tom and his mummy and daddy! The lads are off to watch the football and the girlies are off for some retail therapy round the town centre. I think this will be one of the only times I won't moan about football!!
So more milestones are being set in and I'm hoping they will stay!! I've got plenty of support around me and I'm looking forward to hoping I can say I've not weighed myself for 6 months like I can now say about my self harming! I am one very happy person taking this one baby step at a time.
thanks for all you support everyone
Rach
xxxx
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