Autumn is here?

Sunday 2nd October 2011
8:18pm




Life works in strange ways. For so long I have been pushed to do things, things which really I'm not comfortable doing or that I really want to do. Deep down I know what's right for me but it's finding the strength to actually tell people to just step back and let me breathe.

I may have moved back to my mum and dad's house, but the months away is something I had to do. Despite the crap which people were spouting about me to each other and making up their own stories only I knew the reasons why I was doing what I was doing and the people which I truly trusted. Like anyone I make decisions which others may disagree with but life would be boring if we were all the same.

It was a strange way to end September and begin October with the heat wave! Something which in my head really didn't add up. September/ October are meant to be cold, not too cold but the months when the really thick pjs come out. So their being a heat wave when it really wasn't welcome was just weird and completely messed with how I was feeling and how to cope. I know Autumn brings my mood down rapidly and my depression seems to become much worse but I've got used to that now, some people may just feel crap because of the weather but it's a whole lot more for me. I suppose 6 years ago my anorexia was starting to get noticed and another one of my triggers happened around this time, one which still I struggle to talk about a lot but something which on my own I'm coming to terms with.

October welcomed me with bruises! Why!? I was stupid enough to agree to go paint balling with tom and his friends from uni - it was really good though to be out but god when you get hit does it hurt! I have bruises which I had no idea could even appear and I'm aching all over!

It also welcomed me to the rest of my mum's side of the family the "asbridge" clan! My grandad was one of ten boys so you can imagine how large the family is! Things like this are a massive fright to me, I have to contend with trying not to look like the one "who struggles" or make is completely obvious my complete lack of interest in food. I personally believe that I did well, I coped despite feeling completely paranoid that I was being watched and stared at by what seemed like millions of sets of eyes! The question came up "what do you do then Rach!?" I'd introduced Tom with so much pride - he was mine and I suppose I did feel like I was showing him off but he knows how awkward I find gatherings of people, and it doesn't matter who they are (which may sound horrible but I can't wait for the sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach to go!) I started of explaining that I worked for a Charity, I had made a decision earlier on that I wasn't going to mention it to anyone I hoped no one had told people that I was the one who had the "mental health issues - who was the anorexic" but I realised while I was talking that I really shouldn't be ashamed, anorexia is as sad as it sounds part of my life it's a major part of my past and a small part of my future. The shock in many people's faces is really hard to describe but I was described as an inspiration, I was told that they couldn't believe what I had been through and was so open to talk to others about my journey and talk about the bits which others don't want to mention.

Seeing Pete (a major part of the reunion) was great - I look forward to him coming over each time it is mentioned, he has done what I want to do move - Live in New Zealand! Sounds sad hey but ever since I was little, even before I had properly met Pete moving to Oz or NZ has been a major passion of mine, and one day I will do it, I may not be able to live out there you don't know how circumstances change but I'm determined to travel round and appreciate what is out there! However, I may be a bit to big now to travel round in a kangaroos pouch like a joey! (the dreams of a 4 year old!)

So Autumn is supposed to be here, I look forward to see what it brings! Life isn't built in a straight line there are millions of curves and bumps but I am determined to get through a prove so many people wrong.

Rach
xxx