Life!

Tuesday 26th April 2011
8:30pm

I suppose life brings things to you for a reason, sometimes it gives you things you'd rather never had have, however good things come out of it.

At times this blog feels like my only way to get how I really feel out, even though people are around me who I trust and care about, I'm worried if when I'm actually having a bad day if I can be as honest as I actually want to. There I minutes when I just want to stand up shout and just burst into tears, but as I'm getting older and meant to be maturing it's hard to accept I can't do that. Life brings tests and trials all the time for everyone, but there is sometimes a point when I believe life is giving me all the shit which is meant for other people.

Becoming independent is something I really want, it's scares me but I know in order to make my recovery completely full I need to prove I can do it. I know people wonder how I could possibly do it, I still need reminders to eat or the motivation to get my ass in gear to actually eat. I've got to a point where I can just block out what I'm doing and get on with it. It's horrible when you know someone has taken the time you make a nice tea or something and I can't always taste it because I refuse myself to enjoy it. There are still times I lie about how I feel about eating and food, but I know getting myself out of the ED service was the best thing as I have to trust myself.

At the moment, I'm doing a presentation about body image and while doing research came across a questionnaire, surprise, surprise it came with the result that my body image is appalling and I should get help with how I feel. To be honest I've always know this, I hope to god in time I will appreciate myself so much more. My self harming seems to have stopped which is normally a major sign of how disgusted I am with myself, don't get me wrong I get the thoughts but I'm now able to beat them or distract myself from the thoughts which have normally led me to some dangerous situations.

Anorexia is evil, I have no idea why I felt so attached to it and saw it as a close friend and someone who I could confide in. When Kate Moss apparently said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I could so agree, and I suppose even now a small part of me still agrees. I would love to know why the professionals promised me that I would feel so much better when my weight was higher, okay I may not be as tired but mentally at times I feel so much worse.

I know I have to stay positive and I will do, I have things to look forward to but I still often look back and I always will do, the past 6 years have been hell, 2010 was a major turning point for me and I want each year to get better and easier to get though. I'm determined to keep on winning and trying my hardest to be free from this shitty illness if at all it is possible, who knows, this thing has dominated my life for a long time and made me very ill - I just want the screaming voice in my head to turn to a whisper and something which if it does appear only does so a minimal about of times!!!

Here's to life and independence :)
Mum I Love you loads!! Thanks for sticking by me all these years :) x x x

Rach
x x x