6:06pm
" All those days watching from the windows ... All those years outside looking in ... All that time never even knowing ... Just how blind I've been ... Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight ... Now I'm here, suddenly I see ... Standing here, it's all so clear ... I'm where I'm meant to be ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the fog has lifted ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the sky is new ... And it's warm and real and bright ... And the world has somehow shifted ... All at once everything looks different ... Now that I see you"
Many people have told me that there is a film out there which you can relate your life to. I believed a song could do that but never an entire film. However, I sat in the ODEON cinema in my pink bridesmaid dress and what this film show what my life has been like over the past few years. I felt as though I was the character, stuck in a tower unable to break free from the anorexia. The minute I heard this song I cried, not because the film was sad, but because for once words seemed to be making sense.
When the fog lifts from something as evil as an eating disorder, life seems to be like a dream. However, although I may have decided to make the steps into recovery in 2009, it wasn't until 2010 that things seemed to be slipping in to place. I remember being able to feel emotions again other than just sad. I think the past 6 months have brought me emotions I was too scared to allow back into me due to the fear of people thinking I was better than what I really was.
So this poor lost princess is locked away in a tower because of an evil which, no prince charming is needed to reassure her it is simply just her on determination which will allow her to be free, and this will allow the rest of her life to change one step at a time. My determination was there to beat my anorexia and when I found the strength and determination to keep on going my life slowly slotted into place. I realised that being in college was in fact not the best solution, I work from home on that front and dedicate my time to WDP, the big part of my life which is keeping me independent and it keeps me on the correct road to recovery.
Mum has been amazing and could again link her to the queen in the castle with the king crying as their daughter had gone and although they wanted her back their didn't seem much hope.
However, of course there is a happy ending, there has to be, one it's a Disney film and two I refuse my years of battling with anorexia beat me and stop my recovery not when for once I feel my life is worth living and people actually want me around.
The princess of course falls in love and wonders if this is what life should be like. Fears fade away and hope starts to run through her veins and positive thoughts finally are able to battle and beat the negative thoughts about the world, herself and everything around her.
The timing of this film for me is appropriate, maybe by some weird coincidence, who knows - but when you have something perfect you don't want to let it go and yet you worry it will leave you. For once I know I'm living in reality, I pinch myself far to often as I half expect to wake up in Hollins Park when I stop pinching. Tomorrow I've been "courting" (as Jayne would say) Tom for 6 months. I've surprised myself! I thought within a couple of weeks I'd have scared him off, however I've reached somewhere I've wanted to. I've stopped setting myself big massive goals and just little ones. I was determined to become more open about things, which gradually I've done. Life changes each day and Tom has become a big part of mine. Having someone around who didn't know me when I was ill is actually really helpful, he sees things which would normally have not phased me. I know self harm is not the way to resolve issues but it's helped. Doing it was normal I coped, people excepted that, but Tom wouldn't, not because he's horrible but he knew if no one said self harm wasn't the way no matter how much better it is to what it used to be I would never stop ... he knew as well as I did I wanted to. I think it's different coming from someone outside the family, mum had begged me to stop. I knew she hated it but it didn't matter.
So this could possibly be it, my tangled complicated life could possibly become untangled and my anorexia just a story, a memory something which I can talk to others about the dangers of what can happen. I know I have demons to face and prejudice ahead but allowing myself to speak up allows me to gain the confidence to carry on.
So thanks to all the people who have got me to this point, to me sitting here able to realise how much my life is changing for the best ... so mum, dad, phillip, tom, jayne, beany, wdp and everyone else.
Meeting Tom has made me realise how much I do deserve to be happy, it's like what I wanted what mum promised me when we were told I had 48hrs to live. She told me life would be worth fighting for, I would find me once again Rachael in all the layers was going to come back. I would do something amazing and help others and find the boyfriend I had always wanted, who I could see a future with. For once the past 6 months my determination to recover is paying off and my anorexia is not getting in the way of me being happy!
I tell mum and dad often enough how much their support has helped, but there is also two other people over the past 6 months who have made a massive and positive difference to who I am. Jayne and Graham have helped me a lot more than I could have ever possible imagined. I've heard a few people not like their boyfriend parents but I think I get on with them too well! Comes to something when you know what they drink and feel comfortable to rob a sofa for the evening! Having that support outside your own parents is really nice and I think that's what the transition process from the anorexia controlling me to me controlling the anorexia so much easier. I may have had to leave people behind during my Journey so far but allowing people in is so nice, my circle of trust is getting bigger but it's comfortable.
So here's to another good 6 months
Love
Rach
x x x x x x
" All those days watching from the windows ... All those years outside looking in ... All that time never even knowing ... Just how blind I've been ... Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight ... Now I'm here, suddenly I see ... Standing here, it's all so clear ... I'm where I'm meant to be ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the fog has lifted ... And at last I see the light ... And it's like the sky is new ... And it's warm and real and bright ... And the world has somehow shifted ... All at once everything looks different ... Now that I see you"Many people have told me that there is a film out there which you can relate your life to. I believed a song could do that but never an entire film. However, I sat in the ODEON cinema in my pink bridesmaid dress and what this film show what my life has been like over the past few years. I felt as though I was the character, stuck in a tower unable to break free from the anorexia. The minute I heard this song I cried, not because the film was sad, but because for once words seemed to be making sense.
When the fog lifts from something as evil as an eating disorder, life seems to be like a dream. However, although I may have decided to make the steps into recovery in 2009, it wasn't until 2010 that things seemed to be slipping in to place. I remember being able to feel emotions again other than just sad. I think the past 6 months have brought me emotions I was too scared to allow back into me due to the fear of people thinking I was better than what I really was.
So this poor lost princess is locked away in a tower because of an evil which, no prince charming is needed to reassure her it is simply just her on determination which will allow her to be free, and this will allow the rest of her life to change one step at a time. My determination was there to beat my anorexia and when I found the strength and determination to keep on going my life slowly slotted into place. I realised that being in college was in fact not the best solution, I work from home on that front and dedicate my time to WDP, the big part of my life which is keeping me independent and it keeps me on the correct road to recovery.
Mum has been amazing and could again link her to the queen in the castle with the king crying as their daughter had gone and although they wanted her back their didn't seem much hope.
However, of course there is a happy ending, there has to be, one it's a Disney film and two I refuse my years of battling with anorexia beat me and stop my recovery not when for once I feel my life is worth living and people actually want me around.
The princess of course falls in love and wonders if this is what life should be like. Fears fade away and hope starts to run through her veins and positive thoughts finally are able to battle and beat the negative thoughts about the world, herself and everything around her.
The timing of this film for me is appropriate, maybe by some weird coincidence, who knows - but when you have something perfect you don't want to let it go and yet you worry it will leave you. For once I know I'm living in reality, I pinch myself far to often as I half expect to wake up in Hollins Park when I stop pinching. Tomorrow I've been "courting" (as Jayne would say) Tom for 6 months. I've surprised myself! I thought within a couple of weeks I'd have scared him off, however I've reached somewhere I've wanted to. I've stopped setting myself big massive goals and just little ones. I was determined to become more open about things, which gradually I've done. Life changes each day and Tom has become a big part of mine. Having someone around who didn't know me when I was ill is actually really helpful, he sees things which would normally have not phased me. I know self harm is not the way to resolve issues but it's helped. Doing it was normal I coped, people excepted that, but Tom wouldn't, not because he's horrible but he knew if no one said self harm wasn't the way no matter how much better it is to what it used to be I would never stop ... he knew as well as I did I wanted to. I think it's different coming from someone outside the family, mum had begged me to stop. I knew she hated it but it didn't matter.
So this could possibly be it, my tangled complicated life could possibly become untangled and my anorexia just a story, a memory something which I can talk to others about the dangers of what can happen. I know I have demons to face and prejudice ahead but allowing myself to speak up allows me to gain the confidence to carry on.
So thanks to all the people who have got me to this point, to me sitting here able to realise how much my life is changing for the best ... so mum, dad, phillip, tom, jayne, beany, wdp and everyone else.
Meeting Tom has made me realise how much I do deserve to be happy, it's like what I wanted what mum promised me when we were told I had 48hrs to live. She told me life would be worth fighting for, I would find me once again Rachael in all the layers was going to come back. I would do something amazing and help others and find the boyfriend I had always wanted, who I could see a future with. For once the past 6 months my determination to recover is paying off and my anorexia is not getting in the way of me being happy!
I tell mum and dad often enough how much their support has helped, but there is also two other people over the past 6 months who have made a massive and positive difference to who I am. Jayne and Graham have helped me a lot more than I could have ever possible imagined. I've heard a few people not like their boyfriend parents but I think I get on with them too well! Comes to something when you know what they drink and feel comfortable to rob a sofa for the evening! Having that support outside your own parents is really nice and I think that's what the transition process from the anorexia controlling me to me controlling the anorexia so much easier. I may have had to leave people behind during my Journey so far but allowing people in is so nice, my circle of trust is getting bigger but it's comfortable.
So here's to another good 6 months
Love
Rach
x x x x x x
Hi, I just happened upon your page by mistake-- looking for the lyrics to a song that turned out to be from the "Tangled" soundtrack. I read this post and I was moved by your transparency. I am praying that you are continuing on the path to recovery, since this post was written four months ago. God absolutely has a plan for your life, as He says in the Bible in the book of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That promise is for YOU! Satan is your adversary and he is the one who wants you dead, NOT God. Know that through the transformative power and love of God-found in Jesus' Christ's sacrifice on your behalf-in you can be free once and for all.
ReplyDeleteMuch love and prayers,
Marie