past, present and future ...

Saturday 26th March 2011
8:02am






Standing taking this photo on Thursday made me realise how lucky I am to have mental health problems now rather than having them in the 1900s and before. The photo is of the old Asylum in Huddersfield. It's where Tom's uni halls are now situated with obviously a lot of hidden memories. The scary thing is it only closed in 1991! The year I was born so the fact even 20 years ago those with mental health problems were still feared actually upsets me. Obviously I'd rather have no mental health issues, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have Tom in my life, or have the same insight into mental health and the people who have them. The past is a scary place, before I was born people with mental health issues where hidden away, miles out of town so that if they did try and escape no one would be hurt but the patient - sad yes but true.

I've seen old inpatient records from Winick Hospital (before Hollins Park was set up) which is so sad. I couldn't actually look at them properly as in different ways you can relate to the people and it turns my stomach knowing that it could have been me being treated so badly, tested on and treated as a freak.

However, the attitudes of mental health by some members of the public all that time ago wasn't all bad. My Great Gran who was in her 90s when I got ill was a great support and never had one negative work to say to me about my issues, all she wanted me to do was get better and live my life!

In the present I am doing that, some days I still probably live by the rules and laws of my anorexia but not as much as I did, but I know eventually they will go and I will be able to just hear my own thoughts rather than what my anorexia has to say.

I did a presentation on Wednesday to staff at a conference from different schools to raise the awareness round mental health, some looked shocked the fact that I actually go into schools and talk about anorexia - even today it's the most taboo subject in schools, yet so many people have this desire to be this unrealistic stereotype of perfect.

The weeks been really odd, different things have happened but it make me more positive for my future and what is set to come. I really do believe my path is laid out for me and I will follow it. I have to learn to take the good with the bad, the relapse and the recovery steps as I can learn from that and make myself into the stronger person which I want to be.

I have decided to start living life for me, if I want to do something then yes I'm going to do it. Although I still have this unrealistic desire to please everyone providing I please myself with what I'm doing to help my recovery then surely that is all that matters!?

I am making decisions for me which in the long term is going to do me well! For once my decisions are not deemed to be harming my life but enabling me to live a more positive one. I have plans and dreams and want to see them happen.

Rach
xxxx