one of those weeks!

Saturday 12th March 2011
12:54pm

I suppose many people believe recovery from anorexia is going to be easy - indulging yourself in food which people only dream to eat when they are trying hard not to be 'naughty' ... however, those indulging foods are just as, if not more terrifying through recovery. Why? Because, you intentionally want to regain the weight and have to ignore the voice in your head telling you otherwise.

This week I have really struggled for some reason with coming to terms with how different I am. I love who I have around me, however I do not love me. I think its all hit me, and hit me hard. Harder than what I would have liked as well. I found it hard to tell mum, that I was having all my negative thoughts again as I was scaring myself - so much to the point I asked mum to take the boxes of medication out my room. I didn't care if it was an overreacting I refuse to let things get me down that badly again.

I refuse to lose Tom because I get to the point where I get so self centered I won't be who he knows I can be and the same with his mum and dad - okay yes I have my little out bursts but as soon as reality hits I reflect and realise I really shouldn't have said/done that!

On Wednesday I had what I believed I proper responsability as the YA. I've had them before but the school coming to WDP was something which as far as I know had never happenend - I could be wrong so sorry if I am! The staff and pupils all loved it, being able to speak to staff about their own personal journey with disability. The staff who volunteered to speak to the young people were amazing and I know for a lot of them it was a brave thing for them to do. That's the thing I love about WDP the fact that we can start to help people get their confidence back bit by bit, it takes time and effort and the right people to do it.

The backgrounds which are volunteers come from are so different and it's lovely when they have the confidence to hear about it. I love listening to things like that, it also puts my life into perspective and makes me realise how fortunate I am to be where I am.

One volunteer who I have come rather close to at the moment is Heidi - I know she won't mind me mentioning her as remember Heidi "empowering is what I'm doing". I find it really hard to socilaise with people my age, I love adult conversation! So although yes I'm the young ambassador I found it really hard to connect with the young volunteers at work. Jayne and I'm guessing a few more people at work noticed, so I liked the way it was put to me that I was there to empower young people ... I may do it within schools but I had never thought about the young volunteers, I don't know why. So recently Heidi has started to be my "right hand woman" with YA stuff :p and plus it's given more some more responsibility, I'm not just thinking about what I'm comfortable with doing but also whoever may come out with me to help with the presentations such as Heidi, and I know she'll be a great help with the Young People's forum.

I'm still struggling with eating out, especially with big groups of people and especially when it is a three course meal when half way through the first I've already had enough! We went to the volunteer awards and I notice myself how dodgy I am with food but yet I can't seem to stop doing it! Pain in the arse yes!! I had this goat cheese tart thing with me being vegetarian but as soon as the goats cheese drew my attention sat right on top of the tart that was at the side of my plate and before I knew it I was seperating bits of food and back to old habbits with checking, I suppose when I'm in a stressful situation like that it comes back to comfort and I obviously and sadly still find some comfort in the anorexic behaviours. The way I see it is, as long as its not hurting me and only happen sometimes, it's okay.

But as I title the blog "Journey back to Life" it will take time and I do have to rebuild from where I stopped thinking for myself and also be able to reflect back on my past experiences.

Rach
xxxxx