too long!!

Saturday 16th July 2011
8:36pm

Well you can say it's been too long since I last blogged. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. So much stuff has happened and for a while my anorexia sort of became my friend again.

WHY?

Well basically I decided to weigh myself, I hadn't done it for ages and they were just there, literally screaming at me, so I got on and then stared at the numbers for ages and those numbers for a while doomed over me. This then allowed me to lose some weight and start to feel a little better about myself. I know people could tell, I supposed I liked it in a way, that's the one thing about anorexia which I love to hate, and really can't explain why.

I've moved out of my mum and dad's and ventured into the world of renting a room. However, this has meant that I have had to start the dreaded food diary once again but luckily that does not have to include a mood bit ... gladly, as I think I would depress anyone reading it!

Disability Awareness Day was last weekend, and once again it was amazing. I was able to be a steward and look after the goings on with the PULSE sponsored walk. I suppose I can't really say much which will really show how good and interesting the day actually is.

Overall at the moment my anorexia is stable, talking about my illness in schools is helping a lot but then I always struggle to find that courage to eat after, I sort of think about how amazing at times I found it being there, having those photos taken. But then you look at my eyes and there is no sparkle Rachael isn't there but some monster looking out of them. I suppose though due to how ill I was there will always be a small bit of me which will look back and wonder what life would be like if I hadn't bothered of actually taking the proper step into getting better.

I'm a healthier weight now, BMI not where people want it but it's not exactly where I want it either! I've started to think if I was a lower weight I'd still hate my weight and want to be lower but I would be in hospital, at least at the weight I am now I can live my life at home and be happy with the people around me and that risk goes of being admitted at any time.

Life is odd and I know that, I can take people joking about my illness and what I eat but I have safe food. The thought of eating meat ever again just doesn't even enter my mind, people want me to eat it but it's not going to happen. I still need the support around me.

So for now this is me, getting ready to finally get out of my "teens" and enter my twenties. I'm sort of expecting all the crap and mental health business to leave me on the 9th august and I'll be all fine and well, but I know I'm kidding myself, I can live in hope!!

I hope those of you who do read this are actually seeing that recovery isn't actually all fine and perfect it's hard but it is possible, I will get there.

Rach
xxxxxxx