8:40am
I was heartbroken last night to read that the male model I speak about in my presentation had died in June 2010.
Jeremy was a male model who developed anorexia after a photographer told him he needed to lose weight. He was also trying to cope with coming out to his family and friends about his sexuality.
When I read the article on the website last night, (on my not so often google search for anorexia, mainly out of interest as I'm trying to see if the links to the pro anorexia websites are slowly going or at least not been on the first few pages of google!) I couldn't believe it. I very quickly filled up with tears and read not just in shock but also in jealousy. Despite being in recovery when I hear about anorexia actually ending someones life, it hurts, that is all I wanted eventually - this need and desire to be the best anorexic. Obviously when I think logically I know how good my life is, I'm lucky as to who I have in my life.
I literally was in shock and couldn't take my eyes off the screen - eventually I managed to put the screen down and just hug Tom (also managing to make him get off is mac for about 10 minutes) get it out of my system and finally be able to once again realise how important my life is, how important people are and why I can't return to my anorexic behaviour as badly as I have done in the past. I don't want to lose this fab relationship I have once again got with my mum as she finally has Rachael back! I also have a new relationship with not just tom but also Jayne, Beany and James!
I'm lucky to be here, I could have been the unlucky one ... it's times like this when I really think about the people who have lost someone through this shitty illness. Just because I may not know people personally who may have died doesn't mean you don't feel something when news like this hits you. It's a very personal journey, I was given 48 hours to live at one point but I really believe my Great Gran was making sure I wasn't going any where.
Life is precious and I'm finally starting to see that .....
Rach
x x x x
deeply saddened myself as well
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