... 2010 coming to an end already ...

Friday 24th December 2010

Christmas Eve

10:04 pm

I can't believe that I'm sitting here actually awaiting for tomorrow. I've found my purpose once again for wanting to enjoy Christmas - Tom! Being able to go out and buy him a present and spoil him was lovely =] I enjoyed every minute, and for once appreciated life.

Although tomorrow, I will not be tucking into a Christmas Dinner, I will be able to appreciate being well and sitting down in the morning with the three other main people in my life. My mum, dad and little brother! I know you're all wondering why I'm not eating Christmas Dinner, I'm well right? That meal is just one in which I struggle to actually do - it's accepted in my house now, I suppose after 5 years you do have to get used to it, but I'd rather not eat it and feel like I can enjoy the day than to eat and fill myself up with guilt and be a complete cow all day. In time I reckon I will be able to do it but at the moment, it can be for the Christmas when I know it will stay down and I will appreciate the time and effort which has gone into making the meal and the extra special effort for my delightful vegetarian option!! I see the ones before Christmas as a roast dinner, I suppose I have to but that is how things go.

My family always make sure I at least enjoy the morning, and take my mind off the rest of the day. Making Christmas work is what works for us now, although I feel guilty been unable to appreciate what mum cooks - she knows that I only don't have a christmas meal for my own 'safety' i suppose and I love her so much for accepting all the circumstances around how I cope through the day.

Tomorrow the actually day should be interesting, I'm spending it with tom at pam and dave's with the rest of his family and for once I won't be counting down the hours till I get to go home - I just hope I don't do my party trick and fall asleep after a few drinks!!!!!!!

I wish you all a merry christmas, for those of you who may have family and friends or are the individual in hospital - especially those who may be in with an eating disorder or other mental health issue, I really do hope you find the light to get better and work towards having the life in which you all really do deserve. That little voice in your head is just that a voice, you as a person are much more powerful allow yourself to find the strength to get better, it will happen, it does happen. I may still be on my journey but I tell you what it is so so worth it!! Professionals gave up all hope in me but my family kept me strong and I found a purpose and refuse to let it go.

To ALL the girls I met through my journey through units, I hope that you have a lovely christmas and a magical 2011, I miss you all lots and think about you often, although I may be doing other things with my life you all still play a massive part in my life.

Love to you all

x x x x x x x x x

... blackpool 2010 - I'm afraid Tom your title is not here!! ...

Sunday 19th DEcemeber 2010
6:58pm

I'm sat here in the bond hotel not believing what is happening - my life has changed and the thought of what will happen no longer scares me. Although my life seems to be moving so quickly these past few days in blackpool have been the funniest few days I have had in a long time. I've got drunk and not worried about calories, been filmed drinking and acting like a prat to the cheesy but entertaining music at the bond hotel.

A few people had told me I wouldn't enjoy it, but this break is exactly what I have needed, it is something which has been crying out for a long time ... but why? I have finally found people outside my own family who don't just see me as the 'anorexic' for once I'm Tom's girlfriend and I love it. People only have to be told if they have to. When I'm asked how I got involved with WDP especially been 'young' I'm more than willing to share my story - nothing to do with attention but simply because it raises awareness of the amount of evil hung over me for 6 years and still sometimes plays a horrible role in my life.

Not bringing my scales away with me, although hard I have managed to get my mind into thinking well I'm doing a lot of walking, and I can feel the guilt slowly sweeping away. Yesterday was a hard day, and it was noticed - much to my disappointment to my dismay, weirdly I was missing my scales and the urge to make myself sick was so high but I plowed through with a lot of help from everyone here.

Not only has Tom been a life saver this weekend but so has everyone else. I was worried about getting drunk - since I'm such a light weight but apparently I've entertained everyone here - including an embarrising film of my dancing like a prat, but also thanking Jayne for giving birth to Tom as he makes me happy - yes I did get that drunk. Once alcohol made things seems better, I drank just so I could relax - no I'm not an alcoholic despite what certain people may think - I was drinking socially I just don't handle it very well!! 2 double vodkas are enough with a dash of fresh air - resulting in me falling asleep in the seating area and my knight in shining armer bringing me up to bed and putting me in my PJs!!!!! - sadly this does mean I can no longer skit him about Huddersfield and the drunken pumkin events - but it will pop up I'm sure, just as last night will!!!

Although tacky, Blackpool has brought the much needed smile and excitment needed for Christmas. I think telling rude jokes and singing the yogi bear song while downstairs has allowed me to see the less serious side of a lot of people - mind you I think I'd seen it anyway just never appreciated it much - but that's how people are at times.

So, for those who are worried about trying something new, I suggest you just go for it - I've stayed away from home with a boy lols and managed to face fears which I may not have managed for another few months if I'd not taken this amazing opportunity up - if me and tom hadn't been going out before Blackpool, we certainly would now =p

Life changes and it more often than not changes for the better - for once I'm appreciating life and taking the good with the bad. I can make jokes around my illness and allow others to do the same, although hard if I didn't laugh I wouldn't be here!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

you have to at times just sit and wonder

Friday 17th December 2010

3:09pm

At times I often wonder how different my life could have been if I hadn't made one of the hardest decisions of my life - to beat my anorexia. I know you're wondering how can it be hard to choose to get well, but when you believe something so evil is a close friend and the only thing you need in your life, letting is go is like loosing a member of your family. My anorexia was like the sister I never had and always wanted.

I wouldn't be sitting here now writing this if I finally decided life was worth something and making the decision to do well at life without my anorexia. This time last year, I wanted to get well but was still to scared to keep the weight on.

I sit here on the 17th December 2010 - happy =] watching tom wonder round and be a complete tool most of the time. But it's my life. I never once thought I would be in this position, I would be happy and see my future mapped out in front of me. Everyone else knew I could do it but believing it myself was not something I could believe in. The anorexia was too strong. When I'm with Tom the anorexia is weak, I feel safe and like life could get no better. Then sometimes when I'm on my ow I hear the voice ticking over in my head telling me what I should be doing - that normally isn't a positive thing.

Today, I'm off to Blackpool with some of the people from Warrington Disability Partnership - Tom and is family included =] It should be a really good weekend and one which I never want to forget about. The only thing I'm worried is not having my scales, I know sad hey - but they are my lifesaver at times. I've promised Tom that I wont take them and I'm keeping to the promise as hard as it will be. They came to London with me and I've had to leave them at home. I suppose this is the life on an anorexic, this is still my life and I have to start adjusting to what is needed - CHANGE. I know Tom can help me with it and I know I have the support of my parents and everyone else and I'm so glad that I have the support network around me that I do.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

... funny how life changes ...

Monday 13th December 2010

6:13pm

I have commented a few times about how my life has changed recently. I am starting to find out who I am - with some struggles, but coming to terms with my mental illness and the correct ways in which to deal with each individual problem, step by step.

I forget myself at times how much I can take on, without stressing and relapsing badly - so when I found the strength this week to finally be able to sit down at work and speak to Dave about how I was feeling low etc and as much as I love the Youth Club, I really need to concentrate on me and at the moment it was too much to cope with, and I'd rather have the support in the day from the people in work to get me through, it's much easier and I always have a friendly face to talk to.

This week has been a massive learning curve for me, I can't really go into detail but it was just problems which were surrounding Christmas and how I was going to deal with them. Thankfully things have been sorted, thanks to a great network of people around me. Despite the guilt I had about upsetting people, I've realised it's good to stand on my own two feet, but to also consider what else is going on around me, I need to not focus on the anorexic thoughts but to the Rachael thoughts which are swimming round my head and begging to get out!!

Each day I find something to worry about, but that worry continues into something bigger and I almost expect the worse, I try not to but it's bloody hard!

I once feared change, it was something which was bad and shouldn't happen. I hated the fact I was growing up, despite only ever wanting to be an adult. My thoughts were mixed up and everything always seemed so different, but so much has changed within a matter of months - this once would have set me back, and for once it's not and I'm happy about it.

I worked out 2 years ago I was stuck in the Priory around Christmas, I had leave for the few days which surrounded it, but it wasn't Christmas, I was home for one reason, to lose weight and to prove to people I would never be 'fixed'. However, this year I'm wanting to be home to see my family and have an experience I want to remember forever. I may not still as yet be able to have the Christmas dinner, but I'm expecting that to come in time, and I will look forward to the day, but at the moment it's still too much.

I finding that I'm having more responsibility recently, and I'm loving every minute. I was able to help sort out WDP's Secret Santa, with lots of emails, which although may have been annoying the presents got brought in and when I looked at the tree before I left to go home today I actually had the feeling of pride running straight through me, something so small, but yet I had managed to achieve the impossible!! - getting everyone to bring in a secret Santa or at least sort it out! I more a less skipped out of work!! Been able to help out with odd bits and bobs makes me feel like I'm worth something, I can help to give something back to the people who have helped me so much.

The Christmas decorations have gone up, but still at times I don't feel the connection I should do with it. As a little girl, Christmas was so exciting, helping decorate the tree, waiting for Santa to come with his magic key as he wouldn't fit down our chimney and been completely adamant that I had heard Rudolf outside my window maybe when I have my own family I will be able to find the magic of Christmas again, be able to work up a hype and make sure my own children have magical experiences over Christmas which my parents gave me and my younger brother.

I've learnt that yes things are changing, and it's a good change, I'm enjoying finding myself again and working out who I am properly. I used to be terrified of coming off my medication, but in a way I believe I'm relying on them way too much - the day it happens I hope to god I stay off them, but with the support of everyone I'm sure it will last and my recovery will become stable and the risk of relapse will get smaller and smaller. I look forward to the day that I'm not classed as a 'complex case' just someone who has a few issues, like many people - obviously I don't want to be like everyone else, that's boring - but for 'professionals' they just see what's written down on the notes which have followed me round for the past 19 years and especially the past 6! I feel like I've been branded and that is all they see, the worked up person in the consultation room showing them exactly what they want.

Speaking to Jayne this morning, I actually realised how much my life has moved on, I don't feel like I'm in competition with anyone any more. Although the thoughts of 'thinness' are still there and wanting to be lighter, I know that I can't live like that. If I lost weight I would look in, I find it hard when people still comment and say I do still look ill as I'm trying to hard and I've for once got too much to lose, I refuse to let go of what I have and who I have in my life, so when life moves on, you have to go with it - as much as you don't want to, it's important that you do.

So roll on tomorrow with the giving of the Secret Santa's, the emails will stop and the responsibility will be put on hold for another year, despite the stress of it and messing about, it has actually been a really good things to do and it's helped to keep me going.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Decision Making ...

Wednesday 1st November 2010

7:42pm

I think really that today it hit me that I really do find it difficult to make decisions by myself, for myself. For other people I could easily help them, but when it comes to me, I'm to scared in case I'm putting myself in danger and ending up back at square 1, having to claw my way back to the surface.

I know it's not healthy for other people to make decisions for me, I'm not daft, but I worry to much about what will happen, what could happen!! Change could be better if I allowed myself to be more willing to take risks without questioning myself.

So what has caused this, why the hell I am freaking out!? One word SNOW!! I love it when it falls and doesn't stick, but when it starts to stick, I start to panic, I don't like to feel locked in. I suppose that it's the fact I'd been in hospital for so long and wasn't allowed out even when I wanted to, I get worried that if I get stuck in that I'll just go back into myself, which will and cannot happen!! I think mum would be the first person to drag me out the house!!

I like it when things go well, there are no bumps in the journey - this isn't reality, there has to be bumps in the journey it's how we learn but then the decision making starts and I panic!! I think the frustration got to me more, I don't think I've cried out of frustration for a long time like I did tonight, but it helped. I was able to rationalise the situation, well okay other people were able to help me rationalise the situation but I was able to see that things don't have to be as scary as how I think they are. I get the thought of "what if?" today it was/is WHAT IF I CAN STRANDED? I was then able to come up with a story of what would happen to me while I was stranded in the snow - my mind just went away with me, as it normally does!!

I try and take things day by day, but normally this doesn't happen, I worry to much about the future and plan way ahead of time, I plan things before I should even really be thinking of them.

I am making the DECISION to change, and know in time I eventually will do, I will just most probably need a lot of help along the way!! ....

x x x x x x x x x x

December already?!

Wednesday 1st December 2010

08:41am

The 1st December normally would bring the fear back, the count down - not for Christmas but for the end of the month and for the new year to start. Although December has some nice events, my mum's birthday, which I have always enjoyed the focus is different and I love going out to get her card and present, despite it being so near Christmas and I have to think doubly hard of which present I should give her when, but all moaning aside it is something I look forward to!!

This year, seems a little bit different, in fact a lot different. Although the fear of a relapse is niggling in the back ground, I have other things which I can look forward to and make the festive month less stressful and more enjoyable.

Although Tom may be home each weekend now until he finishes uni for Christmas, I just want the Christmas break to come! Summer was amazing before he went off to Huddersfield and they made my summer so good. I think I practically adopted his house and we both found a reason to work slightly later before we started going out just so we could see each other and have a sly flirt, okay so apparently it was more obvious than I realised but never mind!! The fact I was able to get him presents for Christmas was really nice, putting thought into someone else and buying a card which was special. I not only bought presents for him but also his family!! Something which I didn't expect to be doing for another few years but his family have been to good and put up with me on their sofa and taking over a draw in the freezer with my vegetarian stuff!!

Mum, loves Christmas, which is why I always feel so guilty for wanting it over, but she always makes the house so lovely, we've managed to tone it down over the years but we've always had the real tree which takes over the entire front room and dad moans about how he can't see the T.V!!

I've missed out on Christmas from being ill, been terrified of having an advent calender just because of the calories in the chocolate but this year I've been excited about getting it!! Well I now have too =] the joys of having two families!! So my mini mouse advent calender is from the lovely Horton's and will most probably move in there at some point and my milkybar calender from my lovely parents, so I have things to look forward to, finally =] Christmas morning in my house then later on with the Horton's, it's change but I have to get it into my head that change is sometimes good.

This year things have changed, I've had to remove people from my life for my own health, I've had to learn to trust new people and I've managed to change the way at times with how I cope. If someone said to me last year when I was trying to end it all and get away from just existing, to give it another year or so, just see how good things can go it will get better, you will have more people who care about you, you will learn to trust people, you will have a boyfriend and will have welcomed 2 new families into your life (Horton's and WDP) I would have turned round and laughed in their face!! I thought my life had been planned out, I was just one of those people who just had to accept that bad things will keep on happening until I eventually manage to get out and leave it all. I knew my mum, dad and brother loved me unconditionally, I knew it deep deep down, but when your so paranoid my brain forgot to remind me. My parents reminded me how much I was loved but I wouldn't believe it, I'd caused them so much upset, was wrecking our family unit and didn't know how much more they would take!!

December will obviously bring it's trials and tribulations but I'm ready for them ......

... Santa is coming to town ...

Sunday 28th November 2010

10:48am

Despite not being a good Christmas person, which I put down to the festive season been surrounded by food, not the fact I'm a Scrooge - I found myself volunteering to be Santa's Little Helper for the opening of Warrington Disability Partnership's opening of their magical Christmas Grotto.

Why volunteer if I'm not the best with Christmas person? I want this year to be different really. Already my year is different, I'm happy because I want to be not because I feel forced to smile and I am slowly able to let rip my true feelings. A fresh Christmas? Yes please!! Those around me at the moment know how much the season terrifies me, but they are helping me through. I do not just have the support of my wonderful mum and dad, who are finding ways to help me deal with the day and have done over the past few years, but this year I have Tom and his family too =] ... so when I was asked to spend some of Christmas with them, I was already not having to think and said yes, but then realising how my parents would react! Thankfully they were fine, they both know how hard Christmas is for me and so allowing me to have a bit more of a relaxing time during the day, so I can't complain to much really can I!?

So as the Little Helper for Santa, I had a cold morning put it that way!! I may have been freezing cold but it was so worth it. When you see young children so excited to be able to see Santa, you realise how much Christmas does mean to a lot of people. Small children were telling me how good they had been during the year, some of them had just started school and so told me they were working really hard and nice to the teacher (wonder how long that will last hey!! role on high school for them!!) I got to become someone else, I had another little identity which the children loved, I was asked so many times if it was cold in Lapland, if I said yes it was like do you have snow, they I had to explain how the snowmen came a live during Christmas due to the magic of Christmas, they looked amazed and it was nice to see parents see their children smile so much over something they could only believe in and not see. I felt honoured to be told I looked taller than a normal elf, I did feel slightly chuffed until the nice young lad added, but not much taller - THANKS!!!! His dad looked mortified but I suppose it can't just be Tom and Beany who like to comment on height!!

I couldn't believe that I was in the same room as three camels at one point, although I was determined that one was trying to kill me and eat me, however was told by my lovely adopted uncle Dave that I could't be classed as a meal and the camel would get more out of him and Patrick, so it was agreed I could be an appetiser!! I always thought that the humps on a camel where hard, however these seemed to droop, maybe they were old lady camels, instead of having droopy boobs they had droopy humps!!

By the afternoon, I was saved from my tiny elf outfit and taken out for some warmth with Jayne and Beany =] although I couldn't find my scarf so was just as cold when I got back outside!! For a while me and Jayne helped on the outside Stall, where it was decided it was too cold and we needed a hat!! So I think the lady on the Stall next to us made money off the cold vulnerable staff from the WDP stall - even our teddy penguins looked cold and so spent some time in Dave's coat with just their heads popping out!!

While mum and dad spent a day in Dublin and I froze my ass off in Warrington Town Centre, I finally realised that Christmas was coming and my fear of the season could slowly start to go and maybe by next year or if not the year after I could finally bring myself to be getting excited for Christmas before now, and while people are starting their own count downs, I could be getting excited without the thought of great a time for an excessive amount of food to be around, but to realise that I have a wider family base now I have Tom =]

So yes, I suppose I am letting Santa come to Town bit by bit but I will get there, I want to get there ....

x x x x x x x x

... 4 months ...

Thursday 24th November 2010

8:30pm

I have no idea how this will turn out trying to blog on my phone!!!

Sitting in the SU with tom, I realise how much my life has changed since we've been as Jayne would say 'courting'! I have a new outlook on life, I'm not just worried about me but also able to miss someone who maybe isn't family but means so much to me!! I've been able to have meals out without knowing the menu and working out what I would be safer with, but not to draw attention to!! It's hard yes but I'm secretly enjoying it all and feel so excited like a little girl at christmas! I may not enjoy christmas but I think a tiny part of me is wanting to burst out with excitment - who knows maybe this year it will happen!!!!!

As much as my own family help and I love my parents etc to bits and they know this, I don't have to tell them everyday, but having tom's lot too is really nice, knowing I have someone else to moan to but who can rationally make me realise that I'm talking shite!!!

So me and tom have been going out 4 months although it seems so much longer not bad longer a good one! I don't think I've been this comfortable around anyone so quickly in a long time, my mum would agree with that!! Life is as people say 'short' but for me it seems a long time!! The future scares me although I love to speak about it but the unknown and not knowing how many situations are out of my control creates the problem! I will HAVE to let change happen I know that but still I'm more worried that I'll mess up my 20s etc that I want so much to happen now while I feel I could possibly cope! I have a fantastic network of people around me but still at times I think they'll have to drag me through!

Although I want children when I'm older I worry so much about my body changing etc and the weight which goes with it!! I don't want to be the stastic who relapses due to pregnancy and I'd hate to resent anyone because of it!!!!

I can now sort off feel comfortable in a busy place which is out my comfort zone, aka a pub etc .... Shopping I'm okay with but it's still hard but I've trained myself to block everyone out and literally make them invisable, leading people to think I'm rude but I just freak otherwise!!

I'm looking forward to my future although scared as well, I'm scared of losing the people I care grately about but I suppose that's life people do come and go, I just struggle to let them go but at times I know it's for the best.

Going to leave it here as if this is all weird and not justified I have no idea what I'm going to do!!!!!

X x x x x x x x x x x x x xx

... weight ...

Monday 22nd November 2010

8:20pm

SO weight ... what actually is it? It's a number which rules my life, my thoughts and beliefs. No? It's a number which doctors etc use to work out how healthy a person is, it allows people to see how different people function with different BMI (body mass index) and also the amount of fat/muscle. However, I live by the first.

The number on those scales each morning determines how my day will pan out. I was weighed daily at the Priory and this has become a ritual to me, the days when I cannot weigh myself are long and hard. Although, normally on those days I'm with Tom so he can put up with my rants!! I understand why he hates the scales, it's not normal for a person to be so critical about themselves over a number. I go off Kilograms (KG) well I have done since I have been in services - those numbers seem bigger which makes no sense why I stayed working with those figures but I seem to understand them a lot more than - even though a lot of people look at me oddly when I use kilos and not what most households use - however, "professionals" use kilos so it makes sense to them!!!!

Although, I am in recovery - I still have my habits which will get me through the day, as much as I'm working to try and get over them it's so hard especially when I'm so used to doing them. At times it can be embarrassing, the fact that I cant sit down for too long and wonder off out the office in order to get back into the zone in which I can work and do the job in hand. Having to have lunch in work with certain people so I can bring myself to eat as normally work is an excuse not to have to endure the torture of sitting down and eating when I could be just walking round for half an hour. I eat in work simply because I respect the people in which I work with. Having them worrying about what I have or haven't eaten is not worth it, I respect what they have given me and helped me to achieve.

There are days when I can not eat, not purposely but simply because I forget and realise late into the evening that I've not actually eaten and it explains why I feel so light headed, so normally when I feel sick the first question people ask is "have you eaten?" My face says it all!!

This is the hard part of recovery, having to start to ration things out in my head, letting Rachael in and the anorexia out. I know that my mum is noticing a difference in me, after our chat this evening I realised how far I have come but how hard it must be for her to let me go. I've needed her so much over the past few years and now I'm taking those tiny steps back into normality - what ever that is! Mum still worries, she notices so quickly if my weight drops, even a little bit!! It's annoying but I understand why she's like that!!!

It's nice to have other people to also go to, I can for once share things instead of just lumping it on my mum, we get to have more mother/daughter conversations, laugh about the past and look forward to the future .........

x x x x x x x

Blood Brothers

Sunday 21st November 2010

07:53am

Blood Brothers is my ultimate favourite musical going. The atmosphere is always brilliant and I never get bored watching it.

So, mum and me got the train from Sankey to Liverpool to meet up with my nan. Its our tradition, it's normally the three of us that go. We talked about past times we had been to see it either in Liverpool or Manchester and of course got on to talk about the time mum took me back to Warrington hospital because I refused to eat the samosa and Freddie frog which she had bought me for tea, but it was loaded with calories despite it being the lowest available option at the time, and well the Freddie frog was basically to piss them off for making me buy the food in the first place!!

So as usual, we went out for tea, I'd been sat down already for about 4 hours so wasn't exactly thrilled to be sitting down and eating. However, mum and nan made the entire thing bearable even though I thought I was just going to burst into tears at any point!! Normally the menu has limited vegetarian options - I like this, limited options limited panic, however, I don't think I'd even seen so many vegetarian options and stuck to my decision while mum and nan um and arghed over what they wanted and kept changing their mind. I hate making decisions especially over food!

Yes I can eat with my nan, one of the limited members of my family I can eat with - why? because she used to come up for meals out with mum. She knows what to say, what not to say and basically is used to my weird little habits. The people I chose to eat with now, well it takes time for me to do it as I strongly believe that they will stare, but it's not been to bad, they just accept I eat slightly weird and that's the end of it, I've got issues with food, but I've got people who I know well so used to me not eating that is how I keep it as the fear of them commenting is really high, although I know they know better not to, I just can't put myself in that situation or at risk where I refuse to eat at all.

Mum always has her little chats with me after, just to make sure I'm okay and not in to much of a flap sitting in a restaurant with what seems like millions of people all trying to have a good stare at what I'm eating!! Her little chats help and it's just like our normal routine to make me realise that I have made another step.

So I had an eventful day, managed to keep myself calm with the thanks and help to a couple of my tablets and of course the mother and grandma!!

So today will hopefully bring a trip to Warrington for some Christmas shopping and hopefully a routine trip to Starbucks as normal to keep me warm =p!!!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

slip back in time ...

Monday 15th November 2010

6:50pm

When you sit and talk to people who have had some sort of eating disorder, self diagnosed or otherwise, the anorexic in you starts to creep out. The competition runs back into you and you start to think "I was the better one" it was weird I realised that although I'm much further on than I have been in a long while the part of me which thinks "I was the better anorexic" was there. It was the most strangest feeling, but weirdly enough I felt a strange warmth run through me which I enjoyed and it took off the negative feelings I'd had after lunch.

I felt as though I'd stripped myself naked and went back in time. I was unsure at first if I'd dreamt the entire situation, I felt like I was in a daze sat there comparing myself, every little bit of my body, I was able to see my 'lumps and bumps' and well and truly felt like my anorexia was in control of me once again!

People often wonder and ask if I believe the anorexia ever really goes, does it really leave me, can I ever be "FULLY" recovered. To be honest I think it's the person you are. I don't personally believe I will ever be fully recovered, I think I may be able to gain control of the anorexia but I think I'm the sort of person that little things will trigger off an episode. I'd love to let it go completely but maybe in a way it's good that it is there, it makes me stay on track and realise how great things are going at the moment, I am able to have a warning sign that something is not right. I have a lovely boyfriend and adopted a family and another cat but they along with my family are allowing me to have my slips and bringing me back up. Although I may not be the best at socialising like I mentioned in my last blog, but those who I manage to bring a relationship with, especially now during my recovery process, these are the people who mean the world to me and I want to be able to form a relationship to and not lose it.

Being able to see a future is lovely, I can see my life moving on, I see me having my own family, helping other people and making a difference to the way in which people live, it's small changes which help, I want to be able to leave positive footprints in people's lives like people are now doing with me....

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

?social?

Sunday 14th November 2010

2:57pm

Another weekend spent in Huddersfield, another weekend which i didn't want to end!! Although feeling slightly low through the week, knowing i was going to be with tom Friday afternoon was keeping me going.

Friday night was really nice, relaxing and then spending some time with his uni mates. However, my hyperactive mood suddenly disappeared as i entered the other flat. I'm not great at socialising especially with people who are my own age. Why? because i believe for the social side of things i have been institutionalised, I have got so used to having to spend time inside at the evenings and weekends, that I'd rather do that - a night in which my pjs and snuggled up in bed sounds like a good night to me. I get terrified about going out, I've been into Warrington once, although it was a good night i was still shitting myself. I'd rather go into town on my own then with a group of people, more people the more i panic - it's weird as i seem so confident when telling my story - that's because, i know that i was the study and I'd hate for people to turn out and feel how i do because of this bloody illness.

Saturday was a good day too =] a trip to the town centre in Huddersfield and then a home cooked meal, despite the fear running through by body i did it =] i managed to allow myself to have the meal and appreciate the time I was having with tom =]

the rest of the week has been busy - although the last few days before the weekend were lazy i did so much work for college, but was able to just stay in bed and appreciate the fact that i wasn't expected to do this work in college. Things do seem to be easier, I'm not as stressed about work for them and i don't feel sick as much after i leave the building. I still wonder if there is food hidden down radiators etc around the school from times where the bins seemed to be guarded by staff members, again i was unable to stay with people during dinner time, not just because i needed to hide food but because i just couldn't cope with all the people and having to try and get myself into a conversation, more often then not what i had to say was laughed at or just thrown back in my face so i still believe that this will happen once again. I suppose now it's easier to ignore a social situation than to throw myself into it and fear having my comments completely ripped to shreds and feeling as though my limit contribution should have just stayed out. Yes, okay i was described as miserable, but they would be too if they had to constantly hear thoughts and have a constant battle with people in order not to eat and hide food. I went into myself, i lost all interest in anything and everything. I have no hobbies what so ever, things may interest me but i will always find a way to make it okay for me to handle my anorexia so it won't come back to strong later on in the day for enjoying myself.

I suppose like lots of 'professionals' say your educational years set you up socially, well mine didn't - i always felt like the outsider, my friend was my anorexia, she kept me company and enabled me to do things. She would take me places, more often than not I'd wonder off site for a walk away from everyone, yes although i won't walk to the chippy for chips i was only too happy to walk off and walk as far as i could within a short period of time to get away from the noise and the corridors and everything to do with school. I may have liked school but for the wrong reasons - i liked school because i could get away with not eating, it was the place i could just feel powerful and look at everyone wondering how they could be so fine with eating - it's a strange world, the mind works in weird ways.

I really don't want anyone to go through this horrid illness, I've lost so much. I've lost friends who I'd hope to have kept in contact with for a long time realising that when we were younger talking about our weddings and kids was just a dream, a dream little girls have when then are young and they believe the world is innocent a life will never go bad. The most important thing for me now is to make friends realise that keeping in contact with the friend(s) which are ill is one of the most helpful things, watching teen stare at their mobile phones is horrible, when when they do get a text, cheer and then realise it's from their mobile phone company it's heart breaking. Yes okay it works both ways but at the beginning i felt so lonely especially when i was shipped off to the priory to watch 2 yrs of my life just go. Then i had to walk back in to college to see everyone getting ready to move to uni, although this was my turning point it was also at that point i really did contemplate another OD ... but i knew this was my chance and probably my final chance to sort out my life while i could ... thank god i did!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Rhode Island Coffee

Saturday 6th November 2010

6:52pm

Sitting in Rhode Island Coffee in town today I reflected on everything - for a few seconds I slipped back in time and saw a skeletal girl sitting in the corner away from everyone hiding every mouthful of food so that no one could see her eat - however, today in the corner was a happy girl smiling and having lunch with her boyfriend, although still nervous about food she looked more comfortable and for once happy. No food was been hidden and no lies were been told to the lad next to her, she just smiled laughed and couldn't believe how much her life had changed.

Life goes by too quickly but for me that hour went so slowly, I was enjoying it and crying inside knowing how BIG the step was in which I was making.

Walking round Warrington Town Centre was once just a load of exercise looking at clothes which I wanted to fit into as soon as possible size 6 and below - the waist on the jeans was so dinner and everything looked so much nicer smaller, however, town to me now is a place to socialise and to drag Tom round, randomly buying a nice top which is a suitable size and a nice pair of jeans which too are a more sensible size although sometimes depending on the style they have to be a size which normally my mum wouldn't approve of - but oh well, even I have to accept it sometimes that it's a one off and not to think I've lost loads of weight and should feel proud of myself.

Spending weekends away from home is actually nice, for once I enjoy spending time with other people and Tom makes me face fears - including acknowledging people in town as normally I can become really withdrawn and it's like I'm floating round town just in a little world of my own =]

I've not laughed this much in a long time and I hope it stays .....

x x x x x x x x x x

... diagnosis wanted not a label ...

Friday 5th November 2010

10:22am

Recently I have noticed that a lot of people associate things as been a label especially around mental health, okay so once i wore my anorexic badge with pride and wanted to shout it from the roof tops that i had the strength not to eat or drink a thing and watch myself fade into the background.

i'm not proud any more of having the diagnosis of anorexic, however, i am proud of what it has helped me to achieve, it has given me the confidence to talk and help others. I have noticed recently that I'm two different people at times, and I do often feel the vulnerable girl coming back - especially is social situations. I find it really hard to interact with some people especially if drink is involved - i have to have a drink in order to gain the confidence to be who i am - why? i do not know. Talking about my life with mental health is so easy to me, and i believe it' basically because I became a friend to myself, i could only trust myself and was only ever able to express myself to myself - whether this was through silent tears in my bed room or by my release of self harming - getting the tension out and feeling that the bad side of me was leaving.

I'm starting to see things as a diagnosis, i really want to know what is going on in my head, a long with many other people. I do not feel like i'm been labelled i feel as though i'm been allowed to get the help i want and need so desperately especially before the Christmas period comes and i once again feel like my life is falling to pieces.

As you can probably tell, i'm not a Christmas person, i'm NOT a Scrooge i just become more anorexic over the Christmas period, i'm like a inner shell of who i really am, Christmas scares me - the food, the drink and people moaning that they are gaining weight while i'm desperate to prove i will loose weight over the Christmas period, and once again my mind set is there. Christmas means the year is coming to an end and a new one is going to begin - another year with my anorexia, my depression and the fear of relapsing. i've been unable to bring myself to have a Christmas dinner in about 5 years, the thought scares me and my mum's dinner always looks so nice - its smells so good but even the smell scares the hell out of me, i fear i will smell those calories so i block everything out and watch everyone else the food i'm desperate to eat and then glare back at my empty plate disgusted with myself that i've let the anorexia once again win the battle at Christmas - but to be honest i think it would win even if i did eat it and that fear is immense i'm actually scared of my anorexia and i hate it when it manages to get its grip back into me for a while and i just zone out working out calories and trying to reassure myself i'm the thinnest person in the room - my head is manic at times and i wish at times it would just stop ticking over!!! - but this is part of my recovery, i have to accept it will be hard, harder than what people will ever realise.

Sitting in the therapy room yesterday hearing how a consultant knew my good mood from the last appointment wouldn't last, and i would be unable to cope with the fall back down was horrible - although she was right and for once i couldn't argue, i can't handle stressful situations i feel trapped and have to get out and run. Again i was told i was complex - i was at a okay weight but yet my head was STILL not able to cope with how i look apparently i should have been at this point by now - i have a low opinion of myself and go through stages such as showering with a eye mask on so i can't see myself or i feel repulsed with how i look - i'm NOT vain i'm ill and have what is believed to be severe body dismorphia, i wish i could see this 'attractive thin girl' everyone tells me I am but i can't i still feel like an under developed teen who is still obsessed with getting rid of lumps and bumps before i've even hit puberty, but yet apparently I have boobs and a flat stomach - but yet my head tells me differently and the need of a boob job still plays on my mind a lot!!

I hope that one day I will be able to move on properly - I have people who are keeping me going but I have to be able to be at a stage that I want to get better for me, I want to eat for me, but yet I'm eating so I don't loose people, maybe i'm eating for selfish reasons - food is a medicinal just like my anti depressants and that's how I see it.

I have massive fear of leaving food now - even if i'm feeling full I aim to finish i don't want people to think i'm getting ill again and start to worry. I'm allowing people to make my meals which is odd - not looking at packets or seeing how it's been cooked but maybe that's better I don't know really!!

Although i have so much amazing things going on in my life at the moment the anorexia is still there, it's learning to control myself and been able to talk openly and honestly to people about how if i'm having a bad day people know and don't presume i'm just been a moody cow - there is always a reason it's just bringing myself to say what it is without the embarrassment or the fear of people laughing.

Hopefully this time next year i will have a proper diagnosis and will be getting the help i need to fully recover and not just Plato!!

x x x

Wire fm Awards 2010

friday 29th october 2010
21:59pm

last night is one which i will never forget, the nomination itself was enough but to be short listed and then awarded the heart of gold award was just amazing.

i sat listening to what wire fm had to say about me and with pride i smiled. i couldn't believe all the work i had actually done, was the scared 13 yr old anorexic now making a slight difference to other people's lives. i was once i very quite self reserved person and now i was on stage seeing a room full of people with wet teary eyes, my mum more like a waterfall but filled with pride that her daughter was able to walk on stage and have the strength to realise that anorexia was the enemy and not the family or friends who surrounded me.

listening to what other people had done to help make a difference was really nice but the best thing of the night was been able to celebrate it with the people who have really made a difference to my life. tom walked into my life in June/July time and not walked out, he won't either he's to special for me to loose and he's made such a dramatic difference to my life, but he didn't just bring himself he brought the rest of his family too, who are basically just like another set of parents and actually feel comfortable when i'm in their house. i'm happy to help out, well would rather still act like a guest but that i think has worn off now =p i'm there too often!!!

the thoughts running through my head were manic, my emotions had been all over the place and my appointment with the harrison centre was okay but they still don't know what to and what not to diagnose me with offically!! it's rather amusing after a while as i'm a complex case - believe me i'm far from it!!

getting the award is a feeling i had never thought i would get again, i actually once for a short period was happy with me, i things seemed so much nicer. I went back to a teary table and lots of hugs were given.

when people extra special walk into your life you really don't want to let them go, i take a while to form relationships, on trust manily, but once i know they can be trusted i really struggle to let them go. maybe i become too attached but these people have made a huge difference to my life and i'll work dam hard to keep them in - upsetting people is a big NO, i feel guilty for hours if not days until i'm sure things will be steady.

in the car back home i reflected on the night and something which was said, which i said "i'm an ordinary girl with a few slight problems" and it's so true i am and very proud of it.

i hope to god life stays this good if not better!!

rach

x x x x x

having a purpose ...

Saturday 23rd October 2010

08:10am

I can't believe it's nearly the end of October already. things are going so quickly, and I'm wondering if it's because I'm well enough to enjoy the time I'm having. It may sound cheesy, but it's so true, a day used to be a day nothing to appreciate it came and went. ...

Know my day has a purpose, i have things to do and events to count down to. My days are full =], okay I don't enjoy college but i do have other things now going on. I get to spend time at WDP talking to people who make me see that i do deserve to be here. I get to act my age without worrying and at times like everyone i get to act that little bit immature (maybe that happens more) the main office is not a normal office put it that way.

yesterday i was at Hollins park, it was weird - but i was able to help train staff on this first impressions training, i was able to link my experiences in with their training, and was made up when i noticed my name on one of the feed back sheets, i had made their course better and couldn't believe it really!!

so Thursday was the day that really made me realised how much work i have been doing and that people can actually see it. I'd been nominated and short listed for the wire FM 'heart of gold' award. okay at first i was in complete shock but managed to get over it, after all i get a new dress =p

over the past three months a certain person started to change my outlook on things. He's made me realise that i don't have to be so worried about everything and is able to tell me how irrational a lot of my thoughts still are, without me getting into a screaming fit of range but actually getting me to think!! My life isn't just revolving round food and college, I'm starting to get a social life and getting to know people who i haven't met through a hospital setting!! although in recovery my life was still based a lot round food, i had structured times however, you realise with tom there is not set time for food!! It's nice to be able to have someone you actually sit on the sofa with and just feel comfortable - so comfortable i normally end up falling asleep!!

the amount of people who have been telling me to write a book is amazing, however, i want to make the final few chapters based on me growing up more as a person, finding myself as a person more also. when people come into your life who you don't want to let go of it's one of the feelings which makes me see that i do deserve to be happy. feeling welcome in someone Else's home, not just by them but their entire family is so nice. I have to laugh with the fact i don't just have a veggie draw at mine but also at tom's it's the extra things people do which make me feel like I'm actually accepted, a word which i never thought I'd be able to say ever again! after gone from years of bee terrified of staying at people's houses, I'm now a regular guest at the Horton hotel =]

times are changing, I'm accepting that i need to change and I'm glad I've got people around me who are helping me to do it ...

x x x x x x x x x x x

talk for wdp =] .....

wednesday 20th october 2010

07:54am

On monday, it was my first school talk as part of my young ambassador role. to be perfectly honest i was really nervous, i didn't know what to expect or how the students would take to me - thankfully everything was okay =p

so at about half 8 me and chris rolled up at wade deacon, chris was there to support me and didn't actually have the task of having to speak to the students - just look pretty in the corner =p The laptop was fixed up and my first presentation started at about 9am!!! ....

as the students and teachers walked through the door, i knew one of them from when she used to teach me at Sankey when I was 12 for history!! Miss Cross =p although Miss Cross is now married which i was like how sweet!! i knew things would be okay then - you see miss cross was one of the teachers who went on the battlefields trip with school when i was in yr 10, when my anorexia was starting to take a tighter hold of me and had the opportunity to grab me while i was away from home and basically expected to make sure i ate when i could - but sadly not. She kept her form behind to speak to me and explained to them what it was like to watch it happening, they didn't have a clue really but knew something was wrong - my ability to lie grew and i became so much more confident in it as they always seemed to work!! it was actually a good sign that she was there at my first talk. it also helped that my aunty also works there and so managed to get a few hugs in off her too =]

the second talk again went well, i managed to actually get the this morning interview up which kept them quiet for a bit and then was able to go into the presentation - my confidence had grew more so i was getting to the point where i was picking on people to answer as they seemed to be quiet and really reserved about putting hands up etc - which is understandable for a yr 10 group of students.

so my talks went well and i loved doing it - the fact i could do something on my own was really good =] i had the independence to do things my way and just be able to talk =]

the monday afternoon, i found out that my pre recorded interview was going out and an article would be placed on their website plus a video, cringe!!! I later found out that several station across the UK were actually playing the piece so i just hope to god my accent could be understood =p

again college has once again been playing on my mind =[ i dont have the feelings of wanting to be there at all any more, it has been noted and staff do know, i just see it as i'm 20 next yr and i'm STILL a student at sankey, i want to move on - do the things i want to do, help with the YA scheme, get more people involved with the involvement scheme at the 5BP but it all takes time, maybe i'm expecting to much from myself, i'm not trying to save the world i'm no superman but the thought of being able to give it a go and help even a small group of individuals is what keeps me going and keeping me to achieve my ambitions =]

x x x x x

concentration ... what's that?

friday 15th october 2010

09:40am

yesterday at college things really sank in, I really wasn't me in that building anymore, I physically was there but mentally i was somewhere else. I had my subject review in law first thing on a thursday morning, i'm normally really weepy when its a meeting at stupid o'clock and just as per usual i was!! staff had actually noticed that i wasn't really concentrating in class and my interaction with other people was minimal if anything none existant. I've chosen to sit on my own as much as possible in law, no distractions and i can just float off into my own little world and hope the hour ends soon as so i can get home and get to work.

For once work isn't the thing which is preventing my recovery, i personally now think it's college. I picked subjects which i thought would get me away from mental health move me away from the caring carer, however, over the holidays i've realised that is the thing i really need to do. i would feel awful in a few years still reading the same stories about people being stigmatised over their mental health - bullying in school as there is something slightly different about them, hospital admissions which could have been prevented if help was provided sooner in the community.

speaking to one of my college tutors yesterday morning before the day started, it was suggested that i did a part - time degree in like hospital management or something along those lines. i want to manage but always wanted to manage my own business, and recently i'd been thinking about a councelling charity due to the stupid waiting lists which people who are in need on therapy have to wait for or people, like myself, who wasted the opportunity while they were really ill to accpet the help simply because i was too ill who now want therapy to give them the chance to actually recover and not just float in the middle - people telling you there is a high chance of relapse back into the scary world of none existance in the decision to reduce my intake once again. so i'm now stuck in the position in deciding my future and working out what is best for me and not what people are just expecting from me. i want to go to uni in the furture and lots of people are telling me i should be going or it would be a waste as i could achieve 'great things' i sound like i'm out of harry potter hahaha!!!

those who know what happened yesterday afternoon i thank you all so much for being so understanding and not presuming i was just been a silly irrational person, my thoughts added up and i'm glad that people could actually see my understanding. Lynda in work made me realise how much recently i had over come without resulting to my usual ways, for once i was using the people around me for help and working though situations!! i'd never have thought a cup of tea with NO sugar (rachael w) would actually make me feel so much better. i can't believe how positive work are with me i love it and love the fact they accept my weird little ways!!!! although i drive them mad when i realise things on my desk have been moved lols!!!

well i better leave it here, i have to get ready for college - 7 months to go till i can walk out of there with my head held high knowing that i proved the 'professionals' wrong and i would finish college eventually!!!!!

roll on half 3 so i can see tom =]

x x x x xx

seeing is believing

tuesday 12th october 2010

9:00am

yesterday i was given one of the most amazing opportunities, I was allowed to spend the day on Fairhaven - the adolsecent unit for young people with mental health problems. I actually wasn't on there as a patient, mainly because i'm to old - but as a visitor/member of staff.

I went on the unit to speak about my journey as an inpatient through my god knows how many admissions and they listened. I didn't just go on as WDP's YA but because I have a passion for mental health. They were not scared to ask questions and I was honest, speaking about my experiences at Hollins Park making them realise now is the time to start really trying to sort things out and to fight their illnesses. Hollins Park is no Fairhaven, one of the patients said so the stories are true .... yes sadly they are.

Speaking about what they wanted to happen within the unit allowed them to realise that they did have the opportunity to change things for the better - like i said "seeing is beliving" i was proving that life can still go on, you just learn to accept your triggers and take life as it comes. I explained about my self harm, sucicide, anorexia, depression, admissions with truth and they all said they felt as though i was an inspirtion, for once i was an inspiration for sorting my life out and not fighting against the system!! i did actually feel touched by what they said.

Speaking to one patient on like a 1:1 level made me realise she was actually ready for discharge which was looming very soon. A story was told and i took interest something which she wasn't used to, someone of an similar age taking an interest and wanting to listen to her.

seeing those the young people on the unit made me realise how far i had come, my personal journey had got me to the point where i could speak to them and sort of give them to little bit of hope which is needed especially when you feel like there is no hope when your an inpatient.

when youre given opportunities it is so important to take them, i'm now working with the organisation i once hated because they had me in hospital (5BP) but now they're like another family, i'm helping them to improve and helping other people see that they can have a life - WDP gave me the opportunity to be the YA, at first i was so scared, it was a new set of people who i had no clue about, i would have to learn to build another trusting relationship so that i could bring myself to eat and be as honest as possible when i was having a bad day. I never believed i would be in the postition i am in today, i'm able to rasie awareness about mental health and use my own experiences, i'm actually believing that good things can happen to me ...

after all ...

seeing is believing

x x x x x xx

independence

Wednesday 6th October 2010

6:04pm

Not having the best nights sleep last night didn't really help me this morning when trying to force my self out of bed, showered and dressed. Some how I found the energy and managed to drag myself up and out of the house, walking to WDP in order for me to clear my head - forgetting how long the walk actually is and that my feet kill and i moan for the first hr of me being at work - but they love me for it and i keep them entertained.

Today, my new timetable began, the responsibilty of taking control of my BTEC subjects from home and gaining some independence. College finally realised that I was feeling far to old to be there. It was agreed I would come in for Law and just pop in to see my BTEC teachers, which works fine with me. I can plan blocks at home to do my BTEC stuff and it gives me the freedom to do more at WDP and help to raise more awareness. It was the best plan which I could come up with and it motivates me to get back into college and actually concentrate, I have no idea what we're doing in Law as I just switched off thinking of all the exciting events work would be doing soon. plus my weekends with tom either in Huddersfield or back in Warrington. I couldn't relax as all i could think about was college and how much i didn't want to be there. continuous phone calls and text messages of how i should be going or i would regret it when i was older etc etc, which is true as i know i would kick myself for the rest of my life!! ... people know me to well!!!!

I was amazed today to see that Dave Thompson the chair man for WDP had mentioned me in his blog, the new little YA who is all quiet in work and never causes any mayem!!! lols!!!!! the positive action awards were mentioned but i never expected to be mentioned with in it.

Today I also spent a few hours on my presentation to which i'll be showing to schools and i'm so made up with it. Getting pictures together and seeing how much i've changed compared to the frail young girl with the NG who was exisiting and not living. I was laughing at the Wii night photos with my family and tom's mum and dad, on everyone i'm smiling, i couldn't believe it - i was allowing myself to smile, relax and enjoy myself.

I also realised today for the next week or so my routine will be slightly different, and that is what i have to get used to, things changing and my acceptance. Why? Normally i start work with a quick hello to Jayne and then end the day with a bye and feel relaxed and okay for the rest of the night, i feel weird if i don't and feel uneased, it's weird but i think routines are helpful =] i probably look like a weird stalker but i'm not exactly the most 'normal' whatever that is 19 yr old. Lists and routines get me through the day like most people, although it is also known to many as a form as OCD!!

i'm looking forward to what is in store for my future something which i've been thinking about a lot recently is something which was mentioned at the positive action awards, Dave said he feels happy knowing that there are people like me around to keep making a difference and able to stand up for ourselves and others. It's so true, I have had to stand up for what i believe in over the past week and stick by that a long with many other people who are whole hartedly backing me up.

i have two days left till i'm able to see tom and have my much needed tom hug. I have nicely been given a bag of clean washing for him and so will most proably return with dirty washing on my return to sunny warrington, leaving another stressful week most probably in store leaving me with new situations to deal with - i welcome the challanges!!

i love what WDP have provided me with, a boyfriend, friends, an family and a life =] i welcome the day when my depression is deemed as low risk and i'm able to handle my thoughts on my own without feeling guilty for it after!!

i feel lucky for what i am doing and how i'm doing it!!

x x x x x x xx

allowing things to happen, for the right reasons ...

Monday 4th October 2010

09:37am

last week in college was such an odd week, which once again had me wondering "why the hell am i still here" i'm 19 had been at sankey since I was a new little yr 7 aged 11 moving into 7K in X5, which our green uniforms and giant bags, and still i was there, wondering the corridors and feeling how i felt for some reason when i was falling ill. Everywhere i look i could see me doing something which encouraged the anorexia to keep that grip on me and make me loose some of the best years of my life.

I am so lucky to be allowed back there and i know that but i actually feel old been there, i've seen all the new bloody ties which have come in and out and new and old staff, the worst thing in when new staff talk to me like i'm a kid and when the old staff talk to me like i'm still as ill as i was the day i was forced out of school and admitted to hospital to endure my inpatient treatment.

Lots of people know i'm close to Jo i'm not afraid to admit it, i'm not embarrised to say it either. She has literally dragged me through my bad days and looked after me, seen me cry, freak out, shout, swear whatever, and she still has the time to sit me down and see what the hell is happening. She notices everything from when i've not slept, eaten and lost weight - but the fact is she took me into yr 12 the first time round despite been told my prognosis was not good and then took me back into yr 12 last yr. Last year my yr 12 day was like been back in yr 7, i have never wanted to run so quickly!!!

September 2010 brought me yr 13, i never had a first day of yr 13, i don't think the priory let me in college till november as they knew i'd just take the piss out of the system!! i've been back now for a month and i still feel weird been there, normally i just sink back into work and get on with it but this yr things are different and the work is a drag and the motivation to do it is just not there. hearing i had got 2 awards for business and travel and was just like why!? college is bad enough without me having to be given a certificate that i really didnt want. yes i sound selfish some people would die to have their grubby little hands on that but for me i didn't want it. im in college just to get my alevels to move me on to the next part of my life - i dont want the certificates i just want the grades and its enough for me.

it was a lovely idea for one of my teachers to come up with the 'bacon butty scheme' the thought for the class was like yay a free bacon butty, for me the thought of been rewarded with food was just like SHIT please don't, i'm happy with just doing the work, thankfully after days of thinking of what the hell i was going to say but be polite i managed to say how i felt, the college canteen scares the hell out of me, even going in with other people i feel sick and feel like all eyes are on me

but i'm allowing things to happen now, i'm speaking to staff in college to find a way of getting me through till may as i really don't think i will last till january if i keep feeling like college is 'unsafe' anymore, so hopefully there will be a solution soon and i will be able to do my work. sounds stupid but i can't work in college i cant concentrate i hate having to sit down for an hr and just be there i feel lazy and don't like it!!

now tom is at uni it's weird but i appreciate and look forward to weekends and spending time with him. normally weekends were just horrible i hated them, but now i count down to them and look forward to getting off the train and actually having a weekend not revolving round times to do things or having to get back to a unit for the torment of food having to be placed infront of me. at the unit i used to eat quick, it looked like i was okay and food was fine but deep down i was crying and screaming, obviously experienced staff picked up on the fact i was just getting the meal out of the way, however, now i eat at a normal speed and try and reassure myself that i will be okay, and although i'm eating i think at times people know i just want to chuck it and just cry but the thing is a do it - sit silently for a bit while i get my head together and then rach is back been a pain in the ass!!

i find it easier to eat with people who didn't know me when i was ill although i still make sure they're aware not to draw attention to my anorexia but to ensure i do eat something. however, sometimes that is still hard. i love the fact i can eat with jayne, beany, tom and jim (when he's in =p) although my heart is racing i'm doing it, i feel safe but i've had no control over the meal, i dont have a clue how it's cooked or made i just bring myself to get on with it, normally i would hover be in and out the kitchen time and time again checking packets but i think the horton's think i'm weird enough hahaha!!!!! i always will remember the first time i ate there, tom made it and portioned it out and i sat there and got on with it. i felt proud that i'd done it but i also wish i could bring myself to do it with others but the truth is a cant, people have got used to not seeing me eating it's more of a normalilty so when i do eat i sit and wait for the firework and party games to appear!!

... however, thing are happening and i'm starting to appreciate my life who i am and what i've been able to achieve, proving people wrong and showing that i am able to look after myself and get on with life maybe a lot differently to others but i'm getting there and love the fact that i'm wanting to make a change and not just thinking about it!!! change is scary yes but at times it has to be done and i have to allow it!!

x x x x x

x x x x x

... This Morning ...

Wednesday 29th September 2010

6:12pm

What an eventful day!! As you all know due to my many status updates throughout the day expressing how i was going to pooh my pants etc while at the ITV studios!!

Really I have to thank Laura for recommending me to ITV to go on the show, it's the one thing i've wanted to do and I did it my way! I travelled down to London at half 7 last night and was put up in a nice posh hotel where i managed to just about have a few hours sleep before giving up shoving on my music and dancing round to it in my room, acting like an excited 4 yr old at Christmas!!

I was picked up from Euston Station at 9:30pm and arrived at the hotel at about 9:40pm, had to sign a few things then potted up stairs and sorted out my stuff. At 11:30pm I was still exhanging emails with people and was told i should go to sleep but i was way to excited! So was up and down all night, then at 3:00am decided to send an email to Bury telling them to have the TV at the ready as the most compliant patient they ever had was on the telly =p i did actually go to sleep then and at 7:00am had a boling hot shower and turned into a lobster, expressing my concern to AMy on Facebook that I was going to look bright red on the T.V nightmare, luckily i was just slightly over reacting and nothing more! =p I went through all the random posts to me on facebook including licking Philip Schofields Face, and god knows what else, they decided i would venture down to the 'dining quarters' to see what they were going to offer me!!

The night before i had a conversation with beany and jayne promising i would eat, as i hate breakfast its the worst meal of the day for me and then the same conversation with my mother the following morning!!

So i go down greeted my the snottist waitress who insisted i was in the wrong room and decided instead of having a bowl of fruit to actually make the most of my stay a big breakfast, vegetarian style!!!! i think her face dropped but i couldn't actually care, for once that food actually tasted good, yes i am saying that you do not have to re-read that last statment!!

After my munch i went back upstairs and caught back up with the facebook i had missed and watched a bit of day break to get in the feel of things knowig i would be on that channel within a couple of hours sounding off about how crap having anorexia is!!!!!!!!

so at 8:55am I was picked up in a blacked out car, so i felt well important!! and dropped off at ITV, i couldn't bring myself to sit down it was weird i think my anorexia slipped back to say hello before i went on air, well i'm glad it did it then and not while i was in the studio standing up looking like a right idiot!!!!

When I arrived, I was off to have my hair and makeup done and felt all privilaged when Matt Willis walked in, i was like OMG its the Busted dude, yes i know but thats really how most of us will remember him truthfully so why lie and hide the fact i'm right!!!! =p

I was waiting round the studios in the Green Room, which me being me yes I expected the thing to be green or at least have green in it but nope ooh well!! At 11:25 while the rest of the country were watching the news I was introduced to Philip and Holly, it was so weird actually seeing them, Philip was a complete babe and I was actually really contemplating licking his face but i didn't think it would go down to well plus he had shit loads of make up on!! for professional purposes he's not a drag queen!!

So this was it my time to shine, they spoke to the other two people at first at this 'expert' really did pee me off which apparently was telling because of my facial expressions of you have no idea what you are talking about, so evetually after her talking some crap about how young people get eating disorders and was like erm no sugar older women can get them too!! okay i didn't call her sugar but it would have been worth it to see her face!!! then she kept saying anorexia was a disease, anyone who knows me knows not to say anorexia is a disease it's not it's an illness, it's an illness, so that really did get to me, i thought if she was an expert why the ill is she saying its a disease!!?? but hey ho never mind thats how some people take it.

I didn't know that they showed pictures of me ill while i was being interviewed so watching it back was a shock and i'm so glad i'm not in that place anymore but pulling myself out to get my life back on track!! so after more hugs and kisses and was back off to Euston Station, in my blacked out car!! i felt like the queen all i needed was a white glove and the window down a bit so i could wave!!!

so i pottered round Euston amusing myself in shops and ended up buying a new top from fat face, yes apt i know considering that i was just having a conversation about body image ooh well i had to amuse my self, the jourey to london was too amusing with the toilet paper lady!! =p

on the train back i was all tired out, i managed to get changed in the loos at the station, classy i know, back to been a proper warringtonian!! lol and was finally not freezing my ass off with my skirt!!

again more emailing was done, i slept, ipod went in and was texting people yay fun!!

i'm actually glad i've done what i've done today, i know some people don't agree with anorexia been disgused but it happens and needs to be spoken out and as soon as to be honest. I'm hoping you who did see it and thought i was just doing it for whatever reason and attention seeking etc realise how much shit i was actually in, this illness very nearly killed me, I want all of you to realise that I didn't choose to be anorexic, it was sadly a loosing battle for a time while i was weak. Lots of hurtful things were said about me and to me while i was so ill, thankfully some people have had the balls to apoligise to me which was one of the nicest things, but i'm stronger now i take things on the chin and work with it, i get help and try not to deprive myself of food.

my life is finally worth living and i wouldn't choose to go backwards, if it happens then i have to accept it but i'm going to try dam hard not to let it, and so will my family and friends. I have lots of lovely people around me at the moment and these are the people i want a need in my life!!

so thanks mum, dad, phillip, nan, tom, jayne, beany, wdp, college and christ knows who else for making the person i am writing this, having the strength to be able to be truthful work though the shit days ... I may be a pain at times but i'm a complex person remember so my little paddies aren't attention seeking it's because i'm frustrated need carming down and a hug.

Love you all

x x x x x x x

thinking back!

tuesday 28th september 2010

09:35am

a year ago i was starting to settle back into college realising that this was now my life for the next couple of years, just plodding about taking my second chance how i should do. I was lucky to be in the position to be allowed back into college. i hadn't exactly been the easiest student to deal with my first time round in college, i was to ill to even bring myself to do much, i was more fixated on my anorexia and OCD, getting work done although not actually learning anything. College was a reason to spend as much time away from units and not eat.

i now know that college is not just my life for the next few months, i have much more to offer and have the strength to help other people. i comes to something when you say "i love work" i do, i love the fact that i'm able to help raise awareness and do something useful out of the shit position i am in.

Last night, i managed to tell mum the desire to lose weight had started to come back, i wasn't happy with myself and hated how i looked and felt. As i was saying it i could hear myself say what the hell am i doing!! i do not want to slip back - last year I was gaining weigh just to make a point to social services and the mental health teams i was fine and could cope, little did i know gaining the weight so quickly threw me back and by christmas i was back to a unsatisfactory weight, not dangerous just meant my BMI (body mass index) was not where it should have been in order for me to function correctly, i put myself back in services and it helped sort out my medication, thankfully i didn't have to step foot back into any units just keep myself on track to ensure i could look after myself.

we have the positive action awards with Warrington Disability Partnership on Thursday and I have a feeling this is another reason why my heart is pumping as it's the first actual nice dress for a proper evening thing I will have since i've been in recovery. My prom dress for yr 11 hung off me even while i was stuck into it with tit tape and chicken fillets to make my anorexic frame look a bit more perk! and the beautiful brown dress i had for jane and justin's wedding, which again hung off me, i suppose i'm thinking that is how i should look, skeletal as people always remember me for that. when someone says oh yeah i know the name, it's like me in panic mode as they know my history, the last few years at sankey i was ooh rachael johnston the anorexic one - however, i didnt complain that is what i was and i strived to be the best. i put up with disgusted looks in town or when i was out, they were just jealous of my skeletal frame, but at times i felt that they were staring because i was extremly fat and were horrified that i would show my face.

abuse in the street did hurt but i have the confidence to turn round and give as much as i get, at one point i did hand out a stamp out stigma leaflet i was so pissed off i didn't have to say anything they just looked shocked!! what they did with that leaflet i will not know, but i'm hoping that are now one of the signitures for the campaign!

the past few days getting used to my medication increase has been weird, i've noticed i've felt more tired but it's helped as well as i'm able to sleep a bit better and i'm more awake then.

watching people in college turn 18 is really hard, i missed most of it infact all of it with my original year, connie parties etc you name it i missed it =[ i was more preoccupied with my anorexic voice. I feel like i've missed out but i'm getting past it, i'm gettin to watch people leave their teens and enter the next stage of the big 2 0 !!!!

it feels weird knowing that these are my last few months at sankey but it's good as well, i can leave my memories there with my illness sealed up in a box and be able to walk away - when i walk past the food tech rooms i still get the sick feeling in my stomach and see myself faint outside not knowing this would be the point were people would realise how ill i actually was and how little i was actually eating. sankey did help me but i also associate it alot with my eating disorder, i still struggle a lot to eat there, maybe it was due to how much attention my E.D drew to me, i was watched round school and still feel like at times someone is still there - yes i know it was for my own good i'm not slagging them off but i think at times the attention fed my anorexia to be more cunning and able to get away with more.

i appreciate Karen so much for helping pulling me through, i dont think i would have turned up to school some days but knew i could go to her for anything =] hospital visits were lovely from her and letters although at times my anorexia hated her (not me) for making me eat or giving me the lecture of rachael you look ill what have you eaten today - i think she's seen me cry more than anyone during my frustration and not being able to understand what the hell was happening to me. my life was falling apart and fading away but for some reason i didn't care. everytime i was asked about my eating i'd put the guards up not telling anyone anything, my butties were nicely in the bin and my other bits and bobs were in someone else, the day the form found out i was offically in hospital with anorexia was heartbreaking although i knew they sort of already knew for them to be told was like i wouldn't get away with anything. while i was screaming at warrington about how staff wanted me fat, my friends at school were asking about my progress and still able to get on with there school work! i was bed bound and had limited use of doing anything! i had gone from going on massive walks at lunch time at school and god knows how many sit ups at home to just lying there, although through my tears karen still helped pull me through and helped me be able to sit my GCSEs =]

i hope for once my life is going well even for a bit i'm taking everything as it comes and clinging on to the hope that my anorexia might be fading away into the background and just popping out to see if it can trick me into returning to its web!

x x x x x x x x