slip back in time ...

Monday 15th November 2010

6:50pm

When you sit and talk to people who have had some sort of eating disorder, self diagnosed or otherwise, the anorexic in you starts to creep out. The competition runs back into you and you start to think "I was the better one" it was weird I realised that although I'm much further on than I have been in a long while the part of me which thinks "I was the better anorexic" was there. It was the most strangest feeling, but weirdly enough I felt a strange warmth run through me which I enjoyed and it took off the negative feelings I'd had after lunch.

I felt as though I'd stripped myself naked and went back in time. I was unsure at first if I'd dreamt the entire situation, I felt like I was in a daze sat there comparing myself, every little bit of my body, I was able to see my 'lumps and bumps' and well and truly felt like my anorexia was in control of me once again!

People often wonder and ask if I believe the anorexia ever really goes, does it really leave me, can I ever be "FULLY" recovered. To be honest I think it's the person you are. I don't personally believe I will ever be fully recovered, I think I may be able to gain control of the anorexia but I think I'm the sort of person that little things will trigger off an episode. I'd love to let it go completely but maybe in a way it's good that it is there, it makes me stay on track and realise how great things are going at the moment, I am able to have a warning sign that something is not right. I have a lovely boyfriend and adopted a family and another cat but they along with my family are allowing me to have my slips and bringing me back up. Although I may not be the best at socialising like I mentioned in my last blog, but those who I manage to bring a relationship with, especially now during my recovery process, these are the people who mean the world to me and I want to be able to form a relationship to and not lose it.

Being able to see a future is lovely, I can see my life moving on, I see me having my own family, helping other people and making a difference to the way in which people live, it's small changes which help, I want to be able to leave positive footprints in people's lives like people are now doing with me....

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