... weight ...

Monday 22nd November 2010

8:20pm

SO weight ... what actually is it? It's a number which rules my life, my thoughts and beliefs. No? It's a number which doctors etc use to work out how healthy a person is, it allows people to see how different people function with different BMI (body mass index) and also the amount of fat/muscle. However, I live by the first.

The number on those scales each morning determines how my day will pan out. I was weighed daily at the Priory and this has become a ritual to me, the days when I cannot weigh myself are long and hard. Although, normally on those days I'm with Tom so he can put up with my rants!! I understand why he hates the scales, it's not normal for a person to be so critical about themselves over a number. I go off Kilograms (KG) well I have done since I have been in services - those numbers seem bigger which makes no sense why I stayed working with those figures but I seem to understand them a lot more than - even though a lot of people look at me oddly when I use kilos and not what most households use - however, "professionals" use kilos so it makes sense to them!!!!

Although, I am in recovery - I still have my habits which will get me through the day, as much as I'm working to try and get over them it's so hard especially when I'm so used to doing them. At times it can be embarrassing, the fact that I cant sit down for too long and wonder off out the office in order to get back into the zone in which I can work and do the job in hand. Having to have lunch in work with certain people so I can bring myself to eat as normally work is an excuse not to have to endure the torture of sitting down and eating when I could be just walking round for half an hour. I eat in work simply because I respect the people in which I work with. Having them worrying about what I have or haven't eaten is not worth it, I respect what they have given me and helped me to achieve.

There are days when I can not eat, not purposely but simply because I forget and realise late into the evening that I've not actually eaten and it explains why I feel so light headed, so normally when I feel sick the first question people ask is "have you eaten?" My face says it all!!

This is the hard part of recovery, having to start to ration things out in my head, letting Rachael in and the anorexia out. I know that my mum is noticing a difference in me, after our chat this evening I realised how far I have come but how hard it must be for her to let me go. I've needed her so much over the past few years and now I'm taking those tiny steps back into normality - what ever that is! Mum still worries, she notices so quickly if my weight drops, even a little bit!! It's annoying but I understand why she's like that!!!

It's nice to have other people to also go to, I can for once share things instead of just lumping it on my mum, we get to have more mother/daughter conversations, laugh about the past and look forward to the future .........

x x x x x x x