?social?

Sunday 14th November 2010

2:57pm

Another weekend spent in Huddersfield, another weekend which i didn't want to end!! Although feeling slightly low through the week, knowing i was going to be with tom Friday afternoon was keeping me going.

Friday night was really nice, relaxing and then spending some time with his uni mates. However, my hyperactive mood suddenly disappeared as i entered the other flat. I'm not great at socialising especially with people who are my own age. Why? because i believe for the social side of things i have been institutionalised, I have got so used to having to spend time inside at the evenings and weekends, that I'd rather do that - a night in which my pjs and snuggled up in bed sounds like a good night to me. I get terrified about going out, I've been into Warrington once, although it was a good night i was still shitting myself. I'd rather go into town on my own then with a group of people, more people the more i panic - it's weird as i seem so confident when telling my story - that's because, i know that i was the study and I'd hate for people to turn out and feel how i do because of this bloody illness.

Saturday was a good day too =] a trip to the town centre in Huddersfield and then a home cooked meal, despite the fear running through by body i did it =] i managed to allow myself to have the meal and appreciate the time I was having with tom =]

the rest of the week has been busy - although the last few days before the weekend were lazy i did so much work for college, but was able to just stay in bed and appreciate the fact that i wasn't expected to do this work in college. Things do seem to be easier, I'm not as stressed about work for them and i don't feel sick as much after i leave the building. I still wonder if there is food hidden down radiators etc around the school from times where the bins seemed to be guarded by staff members, again i was unable to stay with people during dinner time, not just because i needed to hide food but because i just couldn't cope with all the people and having to try and get myself into a conversation, more often then not what i had to say was laughed at or just thrown back in my face so i still believe that this will happen once again. I suppose now it's easier to ignore a social situation than to throw myself into it and fear having my comments completely ripped to shreds and feeling as though my limit contribution should have just stayed out. Yes, okay i was described as miserable, but they would be too if they had to constantly hear thoughts and have a constant battle with people in order not to eat and hide food. I went into myself, i lost all interest in anything and everything. I have no hobbies what so ever, things may interest me but i will always find a way to make it okay for me to handle my anorexia so it won't come back to strong later on in the day for enjoying myself.

I suppose like lots of 'professionals' say your educational years set you up socially, well mine didn't - i always felt like the outsider, my friend was my anorexia, she kept me company and enabled me to do things. She would take me places, more often than not I'd wonder off site for a walk away from everyone, yes although i won't walk to the chippy for chips i was only too happy to walk off and walk as far as i could within a short period of time to get away from the noise and the corridors and everything to do with school. I may have liked school but for the wrong reasons - i liked school because i could get away with not eating, it was the place i could just feel powerful and look at everyone wondering how they could be so fine with eating - it's a strange world, the mind works in weird ways.

I really don't want anyone to go through this horrid illness, I've lost so much. I've lost friends who I'd hope to have kept in contact with for a long time realising that when we were younger talking about our weddings and kids was just a dream, a dream little girls have when then are young and they believe the world is innocent a life will never go bad. The most important thing for me now is to make friends realise that keeping in contact with the friend(s) which are ill is one of the most helpful things, watching teen stare at their mobile phones is horrible, when when they do get a text, cheer and then realise it's from their mobile phone company it's heart breaking. Yes okay it works both ways but at the beginning i felt so lonely especially when i was shipped off to the priory to watch 2 yrs of my life just go. Then i had to walk back in to college to see everyone getting ready to move to uni, although this was my turning point it was also at that point i really did contemplate another OD ... but i knew this was my chance and probably my final chance to sort out my life while i could ... thank god i did!!

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