concentration ... what's that?

friday 15th october 2010

09:40am

yesterday at college things really sank in, I really wasn't me in that building anymore, I physically was there but mentally i was somewhere else. I had my subject review in law first thing on a thursday morning, i'm normally really weepy when its a meeting at stupid o'clock and just as per usual i was!! staff had actually noticed that i wasn't really concentrating in class and my interaction with other people was minimal if anything none existant. I've chosen to sit on my own as much as possible in law, no distractions and i can just float off into my own little world and hope the hour ends soon as so i can get home and get to work.

For once work isn't the thing which is preventing my recovery, i personally now think it's college. I picked subjects which i thought would get me away from mental health move me away from the caring carer, however, over the holidays i've realised that is the thing i really need to do. i would feel awful in a few years still reading the same stories about people being stigmatised over their mental health - bullying in school as there is something slightly different about them, hospital admissions which could have been prevented if help was provided sooner in the community.

speaking to one of my college tutors yesterday morning before the day started, it was suggested that i did a part - time degree in like hospital management or something along those lines. i want to manage but always wanted to manage my own business, and recently i'd been thinking about a councelling charity due to the stupid waiting lists which people who are in need on therapy have to wait for or people, like myself, who wasted the opportunity while they were really ill to accpet the help simply because i was too ill who now want therapy to give them the chance to actually recover and not just float in the middle - people telling you there is a high chance of relapse back into the scary world of none existance in the decision to reduce my intake once again. so i'm now stuck in the position in deciding my future and working out what is best for me and not what people are just expecting from me. i want to go to uni in the furture and lots of people are telling me i should be going or it would be a waste as i could achieve 'great things' i sound like i'm out of harry potter hahaha!!!

those who know what happened yesterday afternoon i thank you all so much for being so understanding and not presuming i was just been a silly irrational person, my thoughts added up and i'm glad that people could actually see my understanding. Lynda in work made me realise how much recently i had over come without resulting to my usual ways, for once i was using the people around me for help and working though situations!! i'd never have thought a cup of tea with NO sugar (rachael w) would actually make me feel so much better. i can't believe how positive work are with me i love it and love the fact they accept my weird little ways!!!! although i drive them mad when i realise things on my desk have been moved lols!!!

well i better leave it here, i have to get ready for college - 7 months to go till i can walk out of there with my head held high knowing that i proved the 'professionals' wrong and i would finish college eventually!!!!!

roll on half 3 so i can see tom =]

x x x x xx