December already?!

Wednesday 1st December 2010

08:41am

The 1st December normally would bring the fear back, the count down - not for Christmas but for the end of the month and for the new year to start. Although December has some nice events, my mum's birthday, which I have always enjoyed the focus is different and I love going out to get her card and present, despite it being so near Christmas and I have to think doubly hard of which present I should give her when, but all moaning aside it is something I look forward to!!

This year, seems a little bit different, in fact a lot different. Although the fear of a relapse is niggling in the back ground, I have other things which I can look forward to and make the festive month less stressful and more enjoyable.

Although Tom may be home each weekend now until he finishes uni for Christmas, I just want the Christmas break to come! Summer was amazing before he went off to Huddersfield and they made my summer so good. I think I practically adopted his house and we both found a reason to work slightly later before we started going out just so we could see each other and have a sly flirt, okay so apparently it was more obvious than I realised but never mind!! The fact I was able to get him presents for Christmas was really nice, putting thought into someone else and buying a card which was special. I not only bought presents for him but also his family!! Something which I didn't expect to be doing for another few years but his family have been to good and put up with me on their sofa and taking over a draw in the freezer with my vegetarian stuff!!

Mum, loves Christmas, which is why I always feel so guilty for wanting it over, but she always makes the house so lovely, we've managed to tone it down over the years but we've always had the real tree which takes over the entire front room and dad moans about how he can't see the T.V!!

I've missed out on Christmas from being ill, been terrified of having an advent calender just because of the calories in the chocolate but this year I've been excited about getting it!! Well I now have too =] the joys of having two families!! So my mini mouse advent calender is from the lovely Horton's and will most probably move in there at some point and my milkybar calender from my lovely parents, so I have things to look forward to, finally =] Christmas morning in my house then later on with the Horton's, it's change but I have to get it into my head that change is sometimes good.

This year things have changed, I've had to remove people from my life for my own health, I've had to learn to trust new people and I've managed to change the way at times with how I cope. If someone said to me last year when I was trying to end it all and get away from just existing, to give it another year or so, just see how good things can go it will get better, you will have more people who care about you, you will learn to trust people, you will have a boyfriend and will have welcomed 2 new families into your life (Horton's and WDP) I would have turned round and laughed in their face!! I thought my life had been planned out, I was just one of those people who just had to accept that bad things will keep on happening until I eventually manage to get out and leave it all. I knew my mum, dad and brother loved me unconditionally, I knew it deep deep down, but when your so paranoid my brain forgot to remind me. My parents reminded me how much I was loved but I wouldn't believe it, I'd caused them so much upset, was wrecking our family unit and didn't know how much more they would take!!

December will obviously bring it's trials and tribulations but I'm ready for them ......