... diagnosis wanted not a label ...

Friday 5th November 2010

10:22am

Recently I have noticed that a lot of people associate things as been a label especially around mental health, okay so once i wore my anorexic badge with pride and wanted to shout it from the roof tops that i had the strength not to eat or drink a thing and watch myself fade into the background.

i'm not proud any more of having the diagnosis of anorexic, however, i am proud of what it has helped me to achieve, it has given me the confidence to talk and help others. I have noticed recently that I'm two different people at times, and I do often feel the vulnerable girl coming back - especially is social situations. I find it really hard to interact with some people especially if drink is involved - i have to have a drink in order to gain the confidence to be who i am - why? i do not know. Talking about my life with mental health is so easy to me, and i believe it' basically because I became a friend to myself, i could only trust myself and was only ever able to express myself to myself - whether this was through silent tears in my bed room or by my release of self harming - getting the tension out and feeling that the bad side of me was leaving.

I'm starting to see things as a diagnosis, i really want to know what is going on in my head, a long with many other people. I do not feel like i'm been labelled i feel as though i'm been allowed to get the help i want and need so desperately especially before the Christmas period comes and i once again feel like my life is falling to pieces.

As you can probably tell, i'm not a Christmas person, i'm NOT a Scrooge i just become more anorexic over the Christmas period, i'm like a inner shell of who i really am, Christmas scares me - the food, the drink and people moaning that they are gaining weight while i'm desperate to prove i will loose weight over the Christmas period, and once again my mind set is there. Christmas means the year is coming to an end and a new one is going to begin - another year with my anorexia, my depression and the fear of relapsing. i've been unable to bring myself to have a Christmas dinner in about 5 years, the thought scares me and my mum's dinner always looks so nice - its smells so good but even the smell scares the hell out of me, i fear i will smell those calories so i block everything out and watch everyone else the food i'm desperate to eat and then glare back at my empty plate disgusted with myself that i've let the anorexia once again win the battle at Christmas - but to be honest i think it would win even if i did eat it and that fear is immense i'm actually scared of my anorexia and i hate it when it manages to get its grip back into me for a while and i just zone out working out calories and trying to reassure myself i'm the thinnest person in the room - my head is manic at times and i wish at times it would just stop ticking over!!! - but this is part of my recovery, i have to accept it will be hard, harder than what people will ever realise.

Sitting in the therapy room yesterday hearing how a consultant knew my good mood from the last appointment wouldn't last, and i would be unable to cope with the fall back down was horrible - although she was right and for once i couldn't argue, i can't handle stressful situations i feel trapped and have to get out and run. Again i was told i was complex - i was at a okay weight but yet my head was STILL not able to cope with how i look apparently i should have been at this point by now - i have a low opinion of myself and go through stages such as showering with a eye mask on so i can't see myself or i feel repulsed with how i look - i'm NOT vain i'm ill and have what is believed to be severe body dismorphia, i wish i could see this 'attractive thin girl' everyone tells me I am but i can't i still feel like an under developed teen who is still obsessed with getting rid of lumps and bumps before i've even hit puberty, but yet apparently I have boobs and a flat stomach - but yet my head tells me differently and the need of a boob job still plays on my mind a lot!!

I hope that one day I will be able to move on properly - I have people who are keeping me going but I have to be able to be at a stage that I want to get better for me, I want to eat for me, but yet I'm eating so I don't loose people, maybe i'm eating for selfish reasons - food is a medicinal just like my anti depressants and that's how I see it.

I have massive fear of leaving food now - even if i'm feeling full I aim to finish i don't want people to think i'm getting ill again and start to worry. I'm allowing people to make my meals which is odd - not looking at packets or seeing how it's been cooked but maybe that's better I don't know really!!

Although i have so much amazing things going on in my life at the moment the anorexia is still there, it's learning to control myself and been able to talk openly and honestly to people about how if i'm having a bad day people know and don't presume i'm just been a moody cow - there is always a reason it's just bringing myself to say what it is without the embarrassment or the fear of people laughing.

Hopefully this time next year i will have a proper diagnosis and will be getting the help i need to fully recover and not just Plato!!

x x x