independence

Wednesday 6th October 2010

6:04pm

Not having the best nights sleep last night didn't really help me this morning when trying to force my self out of bed, showered and dressed. Some how I found the energy and managed to drag myself up and out of the house, walking to WDP in order for me to clear my head - forgetting how long the walk actually is and that my feet kill and i moan for the first hr of me being at work - but they love me for it and i keep them entertained.

Today, my new timetable began, the responsibilty of taking control of my BTEC subjects from home and gaining some independence. College finally realised that I was feeling far to old to be there. It was agreed I would come in for Law and just pop in to see my BTEC teachers, which works fine with me. I can plan blocks at home to do my BTEC stuff and it gives me the freedom to do more at WDP and help to raise more awareness. It was the best plan which I could come up with and it motivates me to get back into college and actually concentrate, I have no idea what we're doing in Law as I just switched off thinking of all the exciting events work would be doing soon. plus my weekends with tom either in Huddersfield or back in Warrington. I couldn't relax as all i could think about was college and how much i didn't want to be there. continuous phone calls and text messages of how i should be going or i would regret it when i was older etc etc, which is true as i know i would kick myself for the rest of my life!! ... people know me to well!!!!

I was amazed today to see that Dave Thompson the chair man for WDP had mentioned me in his blog, the new little YA who is all quiet in work and never causes any mayem!!! lols!!!!! the positive action awards were mentioned but i never expected to be mentioned with in it.

Today I also spent a few hours on my presentation to which i'll be showing to schools and i'm so made up with it. Getting pictures together and seeing how much i've changed compared to the frail young girl with the NG who was exisiting and not living. I was laughing at the Wii night photos with my family and tom's mum and dad, on everyone i'm smiling, i couldn't believe it - i was allowing myself to smile, relax and enjoy myself.

I also realised today for the next week or so my routine will be slightly different, and that is what i have to get used to, things changing and my acceptance. Why? Normally i start work with a quick hello to Jayne and then end the day with a bye and feel relaxed and okay for the rest of the night, i feel weird if i don't and feel uneased, it's weird but i think routines are helpful =] i probably look like a weird stalker but i'm not exactly the most 'normal' whatever that is 19 yr old. Lists and routines get me through the day like most people, although it is also known to many as a form as OCD!!

i'm looking forward to what is in store for my future something which i've been thinking about a lot recently is something which was mentioned at the positive action awards, Dave said he feels happy knowing that there are people like me around to keep making a difference and able to stand up for ourselves and others. It's so true, I have had to stand up for what i believe in over the past week and stick by that a long with many other people who are whole hartedly backing me up.

i have two days left till i'm able to see tom and have my much needed tom hug. I have nicely been given a bag of clean washing for him and so will most proably return with dirty washing on my return to sunny warrington, leaving another stressful week most probably in store leaving me with new situations to deal with - i welcome the challanges!!

i love what WDP have provided me with, a boyfriend, friends, an family and a life =] i welcome the day when my depression is deemed as low risk and i'm able to handle my thoughts on my own without feeling guilty for it after!!

i feel lucky for what i am doing and how i'm doing it!!

x x x x x x xx