you have to at times just sit and wonder

Friday 17th December 2010

3:09pm

At times I often wonder how different my life could have been if I hadn't made one of the hardest decisions of my life - to beat my anorexia. I know you're wondering how can it be hard to choose to get well, but when you believe something so evil is a close friend and the only thing you need in your life, letting is go is like loosing a member of your family. My anorexia was like the sister I never had and always wanted.

I wouldn't be sitting here now writing this if I finally decided life was worth something and making the decision to do well at life without my anorexia. This time last year, I wanted to get well but was still to scared to keep the weight on.

I sit here on the 17th December 2010 - happy =] watching tom wonder round and be a complete tool most of the time. But it's my life. I never once thought I would be in this position, I would be happy and see my future mapped out in front of me. Everyone else knew I could do it but believing it myself was not something I could believe in. The anorexia was too strong. When I'm with Tom the anorexia is weak, I feel safe and like life could get no better. Then sometimes when I'm on my ow I hear the voice ticking over in my head telling me what I should be doing - that normally isn't a positive thing.

Today, I'm off to Blackpool with some of the people from Warrington Disability Partnership - Tom and is family included =] It should be a really good weekend and one which I never want to forget about. The only thing I'm worried is not having my scales, I know sad hey - but they are my lifesaver at times. I've promised Tom that I wont take them and I'm keeping to the promise as hard as it will be. They came to London with me and I've had to leave them at home. I suppose this is the life on an anorexic, this is still my life and I have to start adjusting to what is needed - CHANGE. I know Tom can help me with it and I know I have the support of my parents and everyone else and I'm so glad that I have the support network around me that I do.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x