Decision Making ...

Wednesday 1st November 2010

7:42pm

I think really that today it hit me that I really do find it difficult to make decisions by myself, for myself. For other people I could easily help them, but when it comes to me, I'm to scared in case I'm putting myself in danger and ending up back at square 1, having to claw my way back to the surface.

I know it's not healthy for other people to make decisions for me, I'm not daft, but I worry to much about what will happen, what could happen!! Change could be better if I allowed myself to be more willing to take risks without questioning myself.

So what has caused this, why the hell I am freaking out!? One word SNOW!! I love it when it falls and doesn't stick, but when it starts to stick, I start to panic, I don't like to feel locked in. I suppose that it's the fact I'd been in hospital for so long and wasn't allowed out even when I wanted to, I get worried that if I get stuck in that I'll just go back into myself, which will and cannot happen!! I think mum would be the first person to drag me out the house!!

I like it when things go well, there are no bumps in the journey - this isn't reality, there has to be bumps in the journey it's how we learn but then the decision making starts and I panic!! I think the frustration got to me more, I don't think I've cried out of frustration for a long time like I did tonight, but it helped. I was able to rationalise the situation, well okay other people were able to help me rationalise the situation but I was able to see that things don't have to be as scary as how I think they are. I get the thought of "what if?" today it was/is WHAT IF I CAN STRANDED? I was then able to come up with a story of what would happen to me while I was stranded in the snow - my mind just went away with me, as it normally does!!

I try and take things day by day, but normally this doesn't happen, I worry to much about the future and plan way ahead of time, I plan things before I should even really be thinking of them.

I am making the DECISION to change, and know in time I eventually will do, I will just most probably need a lot of help along the way!! ....

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