... 4 months ...

Thursday 24th November 2010

8:30pm

I have no idea how this will turn out trying to blog on my phone!!!

Sitting in the SU with tom, I realise how much my life has changed since we've been as Jayne would say 'courting'! I have a new outlook on life, I'm not just worried about me but also able to miss someone who maybe isn't family but means so much to me!! I've been able to have meals out without knowing the menu and working out what I would be safer with, but not to draw attention to!! It's hard yes but I'm secretly enjoying it all and feel so excited like a little girl at christmas! I may not enjoy christmas but I think a tiny part of me is wanting to burst out with excitment - who knows maybe this year it will happen!!!!!

As much as my own family help and I love my parents etc to bits and they know this, I don't have to tell them everyday, but having tom's lot too is really nice, knowing I have someone else to moan to but who can rationally make me realise that I'm talking shite!!!

So me and tom have been going out 4 months although it seems so much longer not bad longer a good one! I don't think I've been this comfortable around anyone so quickly in a long time, my mum would agree with that!! Life is as people say 'short' but for me it seems a long time!! The future scares me although I love to speak about it but the unknown and not knowing how many situations are out of my control creates the problem! I will HAVE to let change happen I know that but still I'm more worried that I'll mess up my 20s etc that I want so much to happen now while I feel I could possibly cope! I have a fantastic network of people around me but still at times I think they'll have to drag me through!

Although I want children when I'm older I worry so much about my body changing etc and the weight which goes with it!! I don't want to be the stastic who relapses due to pregnancy and I'd hate to resent anyone because of it!!!!

I can now sort off feel comfortable in a busy place which is out my comfort zone, aka a pub etc .... Shopping I'm okay with but it's still hard but I've trained myself to block everyone out and literally make them invisable, leading people to think I'm rude but I just freak otherwise!!

I'm looking forward to my future although scared as well, I'm scared of losing the people I care grately about but I suppose that's life people do come and go, I just struggle to let them go but at times I know it's for the best.

Going to leave it here as if this is all weird and not justified I have no idea what I'm going to do!!!!!

X x x x x x x x x x x x x xx