thinking back!

tuesday 28th september 2010

09:35am

a year ago i was starting to settle back into college realising that this was now my life for the next couple of years, just plodding about taking my second chance how i should do. I was lucky to be in the position to be allowed back into college. i hadn't exactly been the easiest student to deal with my first time round in college, i was to ill to even bring myself to do much, i was more fixated on my anorexia and OCD, getting work done although not actually learning anything. College was a reason to spend as much time away from units and not eat.

i now know that college is not just my life for the next few months, i have much more to offer and have the strength to help other people. i comes to something when you say "i love work" i do, i love the fact that i'm able to help raise awareness and do something useful out of the shit position i am in.

Last night, i managed to tell mum the desire to lose weight had started to come back, i wasn't happy with myself and hated how i looked and felt. As i was saying it i could hear myself say what the hell am i doing!! i do not want to slip back - last year I was gaining weigh just to make a point to social services and the mental health teams i was fine and could cope, little did i know gaining the weight so quickly threw me back and by christmas i was back to a unsatisfactory weight, not dangerous just meant my BMI (body mass index) was not where it should have been in order for me to function correctly, i put myself back in services and it helped sort out my medication, thankfully i didn't have to step foot back into any units just keep myself on track to ensure i could look after myself.

we have the positive action awards with Warrington Disability Partnership on Thursday and I have a feeling this is another reason why my heart is pumping as it's the first actual nice dress for a proper evening thing I will have since i've been in recovery. My prom dress for yr 11 hung off me even while i was stuck into it with tit tape and chicken fillets to make my anorexic frame look a bit more perk! and the beautiful brown dress i had for jane and justin's wedding, which again hung off me, i suppose i'm thinking that is how i should look, skeletal as people always remember me for that. when someone says oh yeah i know the name, it's like me in panic mode as they know my history, the last few years at sankey i was ooh rachael johnston the anorexic one - however, i didnt complain that is what i was and i strived to be the best. i put up with disgusted looks in town or when i was out, they were just jealous of my skeletal frame, but at times i felt that they were staring because i was extremly fat and were horrified that i would show my face.

abuse in the street did hurt but i have the confidence to turn round and give as much as i get, at one point i did hand out a stamp out stigma leaflet i was so pissed off i didn't have to say anything they just looked shocked!! what they did with that leaflet i will not know, but i'm hoping that are now one of the signitures for the campaign!

the past few days getting used to my medication increase has been weird, i've noticed i've felt more tired but it's helped as well as i'm able to sleep a bit better and i'm more awake then.

watching people in college turn 18 is really hard, i missed most of it infact all of it with my original year, connie parties etc you name it i missed it =[ i was more preoccupied with my anorexic voice. I feel like i've missed out but i'm getting past it, i'm gettin to watch people leave their teens and enter the next stage of the big 2 0 !!!!

it feels weird knowing that these are my last few months at sankey but it's good as well, i can leave my memories there with my illness sealed up in a box and be able to walk away - when i walk past the food tech rooms i still get the sick feeling in my stomach and see myself faint outside not knowing this would be the point were people would realise how ill i actually was and how little i was actually eating. sankey did help me but i also associate it alot with my eating disorder, i still struggle a lot to eat there, maybe it was due to how much attention my E.D drew to me, i was watched round school and still feel like at times someone is still there - yes i know it was for my own good i'm not slagging them off but i think at times the attention fed my anorexia to be more cunning and able to get away with more.

i appreciate Karen so much for helping pulling me through, i dont think i would have turned up to school some days but knew i could go to her for anything =] hospital visits were lovely from her and letters although at times my anorexia hated her (not me) for making me eat or giving me the lecture of rachael you look ill what have you eaten today - i think she's seen me cry more than anyone during my frustration and not being able to understand what the hell was happening to me. my life was falling apart and fading away but for some reason i didn't care. everytime i was asked about my eating i'd put the guards up not telling anyone anything, my butties were nicely in the bin and my other bits and bobs were in someone else, the day the form found out i was offically in hospital with anorexia was heartbreaking although i knew they sort of already knew for them to be told was like i wouldn't get away with anything. while i was screaming at warrington about how staff wanted me fat, my friends at school were asking about my progress and still able to get on with there school work! i was bed bound and had limited use of doing anything! i had gone from going on massive walks at lunch time at school and god knows how many sit ups at home to just lying there, although through my tears karen still helped pull me through and helped me be able to sit my GCSEs =]

i hope for once my life is going well even for a bit i'm taking everything as it comes and clinging on to the hope that my anorexia might be fading away into the background and just popping out to see if it can trick me into returning to its web!

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