... funny how life changes ...

Monday 13th December 2010

6:13pm

I have commented a few times about how my life has changed recently. I am starting to find out who I am - with some struggles, but coming to terms with my mental illness and the correct ways in which to deal with each individual problem, step by step.

I forget myself at times how much I can take on, without stressing and relapsing badly - so when I found the strength this week to finally be able to sit down at work and speak to Dave about how I was feeling low etc and as much as I love the Youth Club, I really need to concentrate on me and at the moment it was too much to cope with, and I'd rather have the support in the day from the people in work to get me through, it's much easier and I always have a friendly face to talk to.

This week has been a massive learning curve for me, I can't really go into detail but it was just problems which were surrounding Christmas and how I was going to deal with them. Thankfully things have been sorted, thanks to a great network of people around me. Despite the guilt I had about upsetting people, I've realised it's good to stand on my own two feet, but to also consider what else is going on around me, I need to not focus on the anorexic thoughts but to the Rachael thoughts which are swimming round my head and begging to get out!!

Each day I find something to worry about, but that worry continues into something bigger and I almost expect the worse, I try not to but it's bloody hard!

I once feared change, it was something which was bad and shouldn't happen. I hated the fact I was growing up, despite only ever wanting to be an adult. My thoughts were mixed up and everything always seemed so different, but so much has changed within a matter of months - this once would have set me back, and for once it's not and I'm happy about it.

I worked out 2 years ago I was stuck in the Priory around Christmas, I had leave for the few days which surrounded it, but it wasn't Christmas, I was home for one reason, to lose weight and to prove to people I would never be 'fixed'. However, this year I'm wanting to be home to see my family and have an experience I want to remember forever. I may not still as yet be able to have the Christmas dinner, but I'm expecting that to come in time, and I will look forward to the day, but at the moment it's still too much.

I finding that I'm having more responsibility recently, and I'm loving every minute. I was able to help sort out WDP's Secret Santa, with lots of emails, which although may have been annoying the presents got brought in and when I looked at the tree before I left to go home today I actually had the feeling of pride running straight through me, something so small, but yet I had managed to achieve the impossible!! - getting everyone to bring in a secret Santa or at least sort it out! I more a less skipped out of work!! Been able to help out with odd bits and bobs makes me feel like I'm worth something, I can help to give something back to the people who have helped me so much.

The Christmas decorations have gone up, but still at times I don't feel the connection I should do with it. As a little girl, Christmas was so exciting, helping decorate the tree, waiting for Santa to come with his magic key as he wouldn't fit down our chimney and been completely adamant that I had heard Rudolf outside my window maybe when I have my own family I will be able to find the magic of Christmas again, be able to work up a hype and make sure my own children have magical experiences over Christmas which my parents gave me and my younger brother.

I've learnt that yes things are changing, and it's a good change, I'm enjoying finding myself again and working out who I am properly. I used to be terrified of coming off my medication, but in a way I believe I'm relying on them way too much - the day it happens I hope to god I stay off them, but with the support of everyone I'm sure it will last and my recovery will become stable and the risk of relapse will get smaller and smaller. I look forward to the day that I'm not classed as a 'complex case' just someone who has a few issues, like many people - obviously I don't want to be like everyone else, that's boring - but for 'professionals' they just see what's written down on the notes which have followed me round for the past 19 years and especially the past 6! I feel like I've been branded and that is all they see, the worked up person in the consultation room showing them exactly what they want.

Speaking to Jayne this morning, I actually realised how much my life has moved on, I don't feel like I'm in competition with anyone any more. Although the thoughts of 'thinness' are still there and wanting to be lighter, I know that I can't live like that. If I lost weight I would look in, I find it hard when people still comment and say I do still look ill as I'm trying to hard and I've for once got too much to lose, I refuse to let go of what I have and who I have in my life, so when life moves on, you have to go with it - as much as you don't want to, it's important that you do.

So roll on tomorrow with the giving of the Secret Santa's, the emails will stop and the responsibility will be put on hold for another year, despite the stress of it and messing about, it has actually been a really good things to do and it's helped to keep me going.

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