allowing things to happen, for the right reasons ...

Monday 4th October 2010

09:37am

last week in college was such an odd week, which once again had me wondering "why the hell am i still here" i'm 19 had been at sankey since I was a new little yr 7 aged 11 moving into 7K in X5, which our green uniforms and giant bags, and still i was there, wondering the corridors and feeling how i felt for some reason when i was falling ill. Everywhere i look i could see me doing something which encouraged the anorexia to keep that grip on me and make me loose some of the best years of my life.

I am so lucky to be allowed back there and i know that but i actually feel old been there, i've seen all the new bloody ties which have come in and out and new and old staff, the worst thing in when new staff talk to me like i'm a kid and when the old staff talk to me like i'm still as ill as i was the day i was forced out of school and admitted to hospital to endure my inpatient treatment.

Lots of people know i'm close to Jo i'm not afraid to admit it, i'm not embarrised to say it either. She has literally dragged me through my bad days and looked after me, seen me cry, freak out, shout, swear whatever, and she still has the time to sit me down and see what the hell is happening. She notices everything from when i've not slept, eaten and lost weight - but the fact is she took me into yr 12 the first time round despite been told my prognosis was not good and then took me back into yr 12 last yr. Last year my yr 12 day was like been back in yr 7, i have never wanted to run so quickly!!!

September 2010 brought me yr 13, i never had a first day of yr 13, i don't think the priory let me in college till november as they knew i'd just take the piss out of the system!! i've been back now for a month and i still feel weird been there, normally i just sink back into work and get on with it but this yr things are different and the work is a drag and the motivation to do it is just not there. hearing i had got 2 awards for business and travel and was just like why!? college is bad enough without me having to be given a certificate that i really didnt want. yes i sound selfish some people would die to have their grubby little hands on that but for me i didn't want it. im in college just to get my alevels to move me on to the next part of my life - i dont want the certificates i just want the grades and its enough for me.

it was a lovely idea for one of my teachers to come up with the 'bacon butty scheme' the thought for the class was like yay a free bacon butty, for me the thought of been rewarded with food was just like SHIT please don't, i'm happy with just doing the work, thankfully after days of thinking of what the hell i was going to say but be polite i managed to say how i felt, the college canteen scares the hell out of me, even going in with other people i feel sick and feel like all eyes are on me

but i'm allowing things to happen now, i'm speaking to staff in college to find a way of getting me through till may as i really don't think i will last till january if i keep feeling like college is 'unsafe' anymore, so hopefully there will be a solution soon and i will be able to do my work. sounds stupid but i can't work in college i cant concentrate i hate having to sit down for an hr and just be there i feel lazy and don't like it!!

now tom is at uni it's weird but i appreciate and look forward to weekends and spending time with him. normally weekends were just horrible i hated them, but now i count down to them and look forward to getting off the train and actually having a weekend not revolving round times to do things or having to get back to a unit for the torment of food having to be placed infront of me. at the unit i used to eat quick, it looked like i was okay and food was fine but deep down i was crying and screaming, obviously experienced staff picked up on the fact i was just getting the meal out of the way, however, now i eat at a normal speed and try and reassure myself that i will be okay, and although i'm eating i think at times people know i just want to chuck it and just cry but the thing is a do it - sit silently for a bit while i get my head together and then rach is back been a pain in the ass!!

i find it easier to eat with people who didn't know me when i was ill although i still make sure they're aware not to draw attention to my anorexia but to ensure i do eat something. however, sometimes that is still hard. i love the fact i can eat with jayne, beany, tom and jim (when he's in =p) although my heart is racing i'm doing it, i feel safe but i've had no control over the meal, i dont have a clue how it's cooked or made i just bring myself to get on with it, normally i would hover be in and out the kitchen time and time again checking packets but i think the horton's think i'm weird enough hahaha!!!!! i always will remember the first time i ate there, tom made it and portioned it out and i sat there and got on with it. i felt proud that i'd done it but i also wish i could bring myself to do it with others but the truth is a cant, people have got used to not seeing me eating it's more of a normalilty so when i do eat i sit and wait for the firework and party games to appear!!

... however, thing are happening and i'm starting to appreciate my life who i am and what i've been able to achieve, proving people wrong and showing that i am able to look after myself and get on with life maybe a lot differently to others but i'm getting there and love the fact that i'm wanting to make a change and not just thinking about it!!! change is scary yes but at times it has to be done and i have to allow it!!

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