Back to real life blogging ...

Monday 29th September 2014
10:52am

Due to the 30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge I've not really blogged on a whole as didn't want to bombard with blogs.  So I've been trying to keep a mental blog of what has been going on so I could pull something together.  It was really interesting though to do the challenge and I do think I secretly enjoyed it.

So, what's been going on ...

I'm now part of the Charlotte's Helix Project (https://www.charlotteshelix.net/) which is looking at the genetic link with anorexia.  I've done the first part of adding my DNA in the form of saliva, which I won't lie was very strange, and have also done a questionnaire.  I really recommend if you have a history of anorexia to click on the link and get involved.  25 thousand people are needed from all over the world.  

I sent an email to Fixers (http://www.fixers.org.uk/) to see if they could help my fight in getting people to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder and more importantly at least try and understand it.  I won't lie it took me a while to accept my diagnosis I think mainly because I already had one label with my anorexia.  Over the past year I'd started to realise the amount of stigma attached attached through my own personal experience.  This has been through work and education, and to be honest I was sick of been made to feel like shit!  I have a done recording for Granada Reports which is getting aired on Thursday (2nd October)

I've gone back to Uni for my second year of my foundation degree, this was a massive decision to if I went back as my confidence had really been knocked at the end of the last year, with different meetings I decided to go back and give it another go.  All I wanted was for people to see I do actually know what I'm capable of.  If I'm honest uni really has rocked my emotions, with it being a counselling course I get that you need to be stable as such but what I'm finding hard is that decisions are being made without involving me.  How something is put across may sound fine to someone but in actual fact it could have a detrimental affect and it's not them who has to deal with the fall out.  

JBL is going really well.  We are hoping to set up a fundraiser in the near future and we have been given an opportunity with Power in Partnership.  We have a talk at a school this week, which is one we have been to before so we should be in for a good day.

So as for me in general, I'm trying.  I have found it difficult going back to uni mainly due to the end of last term so I've had a lot of panic attacks which have really got me down.  I met my new psychiatrist who was lovely and is hopefully going to be chasing up where my therapy is (1 year 1 month and 20 days in waiting)

Thanks for reading! 

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 30

Sunday 28th September 2014

07:32pm

Day 30

What does recovery mean to you?

LAST DAY OF CHALLENGE! 

Recovery to me is being able to stay on an even keel.  My belief is once you have experienced the mental health system, even if you're discharged from a service it's always there in the background but you are more aware of what your triggers are or even what you can personally take.

I understand that others will have a different point of view, some have said my view is slightly pessimistic, but from my own personal experience that is what it is.  Relapse is part of recovery and to be accepting a bad day is part of a recovery journey and not to knock yourself down because of it.

Rach x 

30 Day Challenge - Day 29

Friday 26th September 2014

05:42pm

Day 29

What are a few of your goals regarding your mental health?

- Accepting everyone is not as understanding

- Stay stable or at least safe

- Don't knock myself when I have a bad day

- Use the people around me for support

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 28

Thursday 25th September 2014

08:42am

Day 28

Explain a “bad” day

To me a bad day is a day when I can't cope.  I like to be on my own (which isn't a good things really) and I just let me mind run away with me.  My suicidal thoughts normally increase and the urge to self harm rises - sometimes to the extent I have to act on those thoughts because the fear of if I don't will mean that when I do act it could be 100 times worse.

With having BPD my mood can fluctuate quickly over a short amount of time, so when I'm on an extreme high - it's trying to prepare myself that a low will be pending.

I've taught myself well I think mainly because I feel I've had to with limited professional support, what I do use to help me through a bad day may in all honestly be frowned upon by others, but until I have the help I'm screaming out for I'm not going to know.

The main thing with a bad day is to remember when possible "tomorrow is another day" which is something I try my hardest to live by when things aren't feeling right.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 27

Wednesday 24th September 2014

08:14pm

Day 27

Explain a “good” day

A good day for me is being able to recognise how I'm feeling.  It's also been able to see when I'm doing to much.

I like to be able to get with things and be able to do the "normal" day to day things without panicking to much.

This is actually a hard one to explain, which may seem very odd!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 26

Tuesday 23rd September 2014

04:22pm

Day 26

How is your day-to-day life effected by your mental illness(es)?

It depends on how my mood is.  Some days I can be fine and things don't really affected me, which means I can process things a lot easier, sort of keep on top of my emotions.

I think on a bad day or if I'm having an episode as such - things seems really strange.  Best way I can describe it is being in a bubble or when you see on a film someone standing still and the rest of the world whizzing on by in super fast motion.

I don't trust myself and what ever I think doesn't feel right.  Sometimes I can't notice when I'm slipping which for me is when things are scary, when I need someone to pull me aside and say something.

I hate hating myself, I hate wanting to be someone else and I hate the thoughts which I get or things which come into my head. I think what gets to me more is when I can't handle something or worry that people will be scared or are freaked out by what I do have to say.

You can live a life with mental health issues but what I've learnt is that I have to be honest if something is triggering me, or I'm starting to not feel right.  Everyone copes differently, what I think is "normal" if I was to say it out loud may receive some funny looks.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 25

Sunday 21st September 2014

07:53pm

Day 25

What is your opinion on forced mental health treatment? Can be legal (law enforcement or psychiatric holds) or a “helping” friend/family member

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Ask me this when I'm unwell and you'll probably get a different answer!

At times these are needed, whether it is a section 2 (assessment for 28 days) or section 3 (up to 6 month holding period for treatment)  there are other sections which can be used which the police can enforce, but for the sake of long term psych treatment these are the most commonly used.

While I was ill I was held on a section 5(4) - (nurses holding power for up to 6hrs) and then on a 5(2) - (doctors holding power for up to 72hrs) I was assessed on a number of occasions but managed to someone how show I had capability and capacity.  If I'm honest looking back I should have been sectioned, but I'm also glad I didn't as in all honesty I think I'd be in a very different situation now.  

What I did find hard with forced care was on the occasions I was restrained, I think in all honestly it is a feeling which I will never be able to explain properly.  Getting pinned to the floor to "calm" someone down is awful and I think it's even harder when you hear someone else been restrained.  Having someone screaming in my face or having an episode in front of me I could someone deal with that better than either myself being restrained or hearing someone else being restrained.  Just thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes, physically it doesn't hurt, it's not meant to but psychologically it's different, something which they never mentioned in restraint training for staff.

My nasal feed was an experience I should have hated, but in fact that tube became a friend.  It took the responsibility away of me having to eat and it was the nurses who were making me "fat".  Again I understand that tube feeds are at times needed and a life saving resource for many, as at the time it was for me.

My "helping" person was my parents while I was under 16 they had a lot of say of my care then that all changed on my 16th birthday and I suddenly had all this power over my own care.  My parents refused to bring me home after I collapsed and ended up in hospital and my stays just continued from there.  I've been honest with my parents and said if I ever needed hospital stay I would have to be sectioned to be put back in hospital, it is something which I don't want to have to relive.  I really do believe being in the community is a much better option for treatment for me.  I do not disbelieve for some people hospital treatment is needed and I would hate to put someone off from an inpatient stay if it is needed.  

I got to used to been in hospital and I really struggled to settle back in at home which has always upset me, as I really found it hard, it was my home and the place where I grew up but I just never felt right once I was back.  Which is a big reason why I was so desperate to move out and into my own place.

I don't mean to sound negative, and apologies if I've upset anyone reading this.

At times forced treatment IS needed, however, I do believe this should be looked at continually through treatment.

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 24

Saturday 20th September 2014

09:38am

Day 24

What is your opinion on alternative treatments or treatments that aren’t commonly used? 

For some people they do work, I've never really enjoyed the "alternative route" especially as I don't understand how a picture can represent something, especially if the only thing is you can draw is a house, tree and a few stick men.  To me that just shows my limitations of drawings and the reason why I never took up my artistic talents and dropped the subject as soon as I could.

I don't discourage people from trying any therapy as for the simple fact we are all different and things work differently for others.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 23

Friday 19th September 2014

05:53pm

Day 23

What is your opinion on therapy?

I think if you are ready for therapy then it can work, but that's the key.  You have to want therapy.  I found through inpatient care and through some of my treatment as an outpatient it as been forced.  Which I have found now that I am ready is been used against me as I wouldn't participate in the past.

I've done a range of therapy both in a group setting and a 1:1.  These included art, person centered, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and even forced to do art therapy.  Through my eating disorder treatment on the unit we also had dietetic advice and group to prepare us for the "outside world"

My experience hasn't been positive, and this is a reason why I am doing my counselling.  I always remember wishing the person sat in front of me had some experience other than just reading a book.  I remember asking so many people, do you actually know what it's like to be a young person living with a mental health issue the answer was always a stumbled "No, sorry I don't but I can imagine" to be honest I don't think anyone who has not en-counted mental health can come close to "imagining"

My experience as I wasn't ready left me angry, and wish there had been other ways of working but still being able to have that support outside the family.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 22

Thursday 18th September 2014
09:45pm

Day 22
What is your opinion on medication used to treat mental illness(es)?

As long as it's used for the right reasons and not just to zombie-fy people then I honestly think it is a good thing but really believe therapy is needed to as you can't just solve everything with a tablet.

I'm on medication and only yesterday had my anxiety tablet upped.  I do think that once I have the correct therapy that will also help.

I've been on medication which hasn't agreed with me but the tablets I'm on now seem to have helped.  I am fully aware that you can't rely just on medication to "cure" everything.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 21

Wednesday 17th September 2014
06:40pm

Day 21
Many people say stress triggers symptoms, do you agree or disagree?

I honestly agree with this, but also believe stress can heighten triggers if you are already struggling.  Summer has proven this for me.  When I get stressed and have to much on my mental health has an impact and I can usually sense something is up as I notice a change in my behaviors, which is a good thing the fact I can notice.  I've had a lot to think about over summer and know my eating has not been great or my state of mind on days.

With having BPD my emotions are heightened anyway and I do wonder if what is stressing me out would stress out a 23 year old who doesn't have mental health issue.  

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 20

Tuesday 16th September 2014
04:41pm

Day 20
Where do you get your support?

I'm involved with my local mental health team, but recently have had a change of psychiatrist, which if I'm honest I'm actually nervous about meeting them next week.  I am currently on the waiting list for therapy (1 year 1 month and 7 days) not that I'm counting or anything!

I also have support off my family, which I've been able to appreciate more since I moved out, but as parents can they can still annoy me!  My brother has become a great support for me to as he's got older and started to understand things a lot more about my conditions.

My friends who are again another fab support, I always want to write a list but I always panic that I'll miss someone out and I don't want to offend anyone!! I've met a lot of people through services and a few have them have become an important part of my life.

On a stranger note my cats are so important to me! I think having that extra responsibility makes me want to carry on, especially on a bad day when I want to end it all I do worry what will happen to them! (Crazy Cat lady!)  My dad takes the mic as when I did a radio interview I didn't mention anyone else but the cats (whoops)

Support comes in all shapes and sizes.  It doesn't have to be something/someone physical.  Memories are so important to, how you coped last time you were in this position, yes it can be hard to go back and think but if I can I do try.

Support can be a hug, photo, memory, person, animal, book, therapy, friends, family .... I could go on, what I find support in, you the person reading this may find support through something else.

10 Days left to go and I think secretly I'm starting to enjoy this challenge.  

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 19

Monday 15th September 2014

09:14am

Day 19

Have you ever read a self-help book or a book related to psychology?  What is your opinion on them?  If you have read them do you have a favourite?

I've never really read a self-help book as such, what I've found more beneficial is reading other people's journeys.  It seems to sink in more when I'm struggling that someone else has experienced something similar and has found a way out of it.

I know my mum has read loads and she seemed to swap them with the other parents she made friends with along the way.  I'm surprised my mum hasn't done one yet with Wendy (one of her closest friends who she met while I was poorly - I suppose one good thing that came from a shitty situation for my mum)

Through doing my degree at the moment I always seem to find myself flicking to the glossary to see if eating disorders or personality disorders are covered, and finding out what the authors view on a certain theory is.  Every theory works differently on each individual and it would be nice for a theorist to state that at some point, however, I'm still looking.

So as for a favourite I would have to say I don't have one book in particular, but I do prefer to read from an author who has actually experienced what they are talking about other than just from "professional" point of view.  

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 18

Sunday 14th September 2014

03:57pm

Day 18

What do you wish people would understand in regards to mental illness and/or mental health?

I wish people would realise it's not something which you can snap out of and get over.  What I've found harder is the view many people have when you have been in hospital over your mental health and then think just because you are home things are automatically okay again.

If anything been in hospital (in my opinion) was the easy part.  Getting back home is when things do get harder as people's expectations are that you are well and there is nothing to worry about.  As much as I hated being in hospital it was safe.  The same people came in and out, and all that mattered was what went on in side those walls. 

There are times when I wonder do I need to go back in for a bit.  I think the honest truth is at some of those times the answer has been yes, but I'm lucky with the fact that the support I have around me have battled those times with me.  It was hard when I moved out of mum and dad's I had to quickly learn to ignore the voices not to eat and end it all.

I just wish people would simply UNDERSTAND , I know mental health is a mine field but it would just be nice if people could just actually do that.  Just listen allow that person to work through what they are doing, see them as people and not as an attention seeker.  I do sometimes wonder if even just trying to get people to understand is to much.  We hear so much negativity through media, I worry people at to scared to understand in case that makes them as "crazy" as the person they are talking to.

Rach x  

30 Day Challenge - Day 17

Saturday 13th September 2014
06:34pm

Day 17
If you could get rid of your mental illness(es) would you?  Why or why not?

If I had the choice of having mental health issues in the first place I'd have said no, however, having lived with them and doing the work I have done to raise awareness it's nice to just be stable at times.  

What I do hate is the fact I've missed out on a lot and that's what does frustrate me.  I often wonder why me, why the hell did I have to have mental health issues.  

The question really has me thinking ...

Rach 

30 Day Challenge - Day 16

Friday 12th September 2014
1:20pm

Day 16
How many people are you “out” to with your mental illness(es)? Why?

Love this question!

I'm not ashamed about my mental health issues.  I have my moments when I wish I could just be "normal"

I do so much work around mental health I really believe been open with what I can will ensure that other people can hopefully feel the same.

I think it is important to be open, mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and I wish others could see that.  Everyone has a different journey and mine has empowered me to get through the bad days and try my hardest to focus on the good. 

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 15

Thursday 11th September 2014
08:32pm

Day 15 
How has your life been effected by your illness(es)? (Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)

Well I think at school, it wasn't really understood.  I was in hospital for a lot of year 11 (my GCSE year) and then for my college years.  I did manage to sit my GCSEs while I was in hospital and thankfully passed them all.  I did a few A/S levels in college but did re-do both year 12 and 13 once I felt fully able to.

I've had a few jobs while I've been at my worst and also I suppose "stable".  I had a job I loved which sadly the post was made redundant and with that and other situations going on with work I became rather ill after that, with that it has knocked my confidence with work, which is why I'm trying hard to concentrate on my uni course and trying dam hard to follow advice off my mental health team.

I was in a steady relationship when I was officially diagnosed as having BPD, sadly the pressure of my illness and my boyfriend at the time at university things got to much for both of us.  It was a mutual break-up but I won't lie hit me hard.  Looking back though it was the right thing to do.  While I was seeing him though he did make an effort to come to any appointments and try and understand what was going on.  I've had a couple of short relationships since but come to a point where as much as I'd love to be in a relationship I'm happy where I am, I'm not bothered that I'm single, but what does get me at times is seeing my friends who are either married, engaged or just in a relationship getting on and even having children.  

Friendships are hard with BPD but those who are my friends know about it.  I remember in school having loads of friends seemed to be important but really it's not.  I find it so hard to trust people and let people in but socially I know I struggle.  I won't lie I do like my own company, but I know at times I need to force myself to be with people, which sounds strange.  Some days I rely a lot more on people but those are the days you find out who are your true friends.

On the plus side though my career or how I see my career going is due to the events which have happened to me.  I want to be able to make a difference I don't want my struggle to be meaningless.  I've sat in groups since been in adult services hearing others who are much older than me moan about how the system hasn't changed since they were in their 20's etc and they feel for the "younger ones" - I would love to be able to say there is a change and the only way to do this is my opening up and campaigning.  JBL is a great way to help do this and I'm so thankful to all those who help support it.

Half way through the challenge ... hope I'm not boring you to much!!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 14

Wednesday 10th September 2014
04:15pm

Day 14
Have you ever experienced stigma?

Yes is the simple answer.  Not just from people who I know through school or work but also members of the public, when I was really low in weight I'd get verbal abuse thrown at me.

I've found it harder with adults in the employment side of things as I have this expectation that adults should be a lot more understanding and think about what they say.  My belief through school was just that kids can be cruel.  If you're not educated about a subject then it's harder to understand.

I've struggled trying to get people to understand my reaction to things or how I behave.  I think at times I can try to hard which makes me more awkward with other people.

I worry if I open up people will become afraid of me, the thoughts which I have in my head at times scares me how do you then explain that to other people without the words which are so often associated with mental health I can see flash around my head and glisten in people's eyes

I don't think we will ever get rid of stigma completely we don't live in a perfect world, but what we can do is use personal experiences to give other people the chance to learn and not stigmatise other people from seeing a true reaction of how stigma which has been faced by a person they can associate with has coped.

Rach x 

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

Tuesday 9th September 2014

06:27pm

Day 13:

If you know the criteria of your illness(es) which ones do you think you meet? Or what are your most common symptoms?

NHS Choices states you have to answer yes to five or more of the following for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Please remember though if you do answer yes to five or more don't panic, it may just fit your life style if you really are worried though please go and speak to your GP for reassurance or support.

• Do you have an intense fear of being left alone which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)

• Do you have a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with other people that switch between thinking you love that person and they are wonderful to hating that person and thinking they are terrible?

• Do you ever feel you do not have a strong sense of your own self and are unclear about your self-image?

• Do you engage in impulsive activities in two areas that are potentially damaging, such as unsafe sex, drug abuse or reckless spending (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)?

• Have you made repeated suicide threats or attempts in your past and engaged in self-harming?

• Do you have severe mood swings, such as feeling intensely depressed, anxious or irritable, which last from a few hours to a few days?

• Do you have long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness?

• Do you have sudden and intense feelings of anger and aggression, and often find it difficult to control your anger?

• When you find yourself in stressful situations, do you have feelings of paranoia, or do you feel like you are disconnected from the world or from your own body, thoughts and behavior?

 I don't want to go into me personally to much on this, but you can see from reading this how intense BPD can be on a person.  A lot of these also fit in with my eating disorder, but it makes the behaviors which don't link up make sense in my head so much.  Each person with BPD will be affected differently and it's important to remember that.

Anorexia criteria is always been looked at.  Many have the perception that you have to always be skeletal and never eat at all.  This isn't the case.  Weight loss will be noticeable in time but even now with my BMI considered okay.  I still obsess about food, and still have problems struggling with my weight and how I cope with situations can sometimes come over through my behavior with food.  

I hope this makes a bit of sense, I've had a long day with filming!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

Monday 8th September 2014

09:04am 

Day 12:

What do you think about your diagnosis in general?  (Some ideas are: stereotypes, commonalities, misdiagnosis, over diagnosis)

It took me a while to accept both my diagnosis.  At 14 been told you have a mental health issue is such a big deal, but to be honest I think at any age it can turn your life around.  There are loads of stereotypes of having anorexia:

- You should look like a skeleton 

- You don't eat anything

- Diet gone wrong

- Female Illness

- Only young people get it

- Attention Seeking

... I could go on.  These things are myths, anorexia is more serious then people realise, which through my talks I hope people start to realise how serious an eating disorder is.

BPD though was the hardest one to accept.  I think because I had heard so much negative stuff about it while in hospital and read about personality disorders it really freaked me out.

- You are dangerous

- You are a criminal

- Last chance diagnosis

- Not treatable

- Females are more commonly affected

... again I could go on.

You can see just from these no wonder people are so worried about being diagnosed with a mental health problem.  

For me having a diagnosis means that so many questions about my behavior and thoughts could be answered.  Yes it took me a while to accept this was now part of my life but it meant I could be given a bit more hope to cope with situations much more effectively.  Labels for many can be more damaging and that is important to remember, I want to be more than my diagnosis but to do that I have to accept it.

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Sunday 7th September 2014

01:25pm

Day 11:

What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

I think the worst thing for me is the stigma which people have seem to have when they found out about BPD.

Despite what I have been through when I need to ask professionally I do.  Sadly people believe that I would completely melt down, take on their problems and then if I felt like try and attack them.  Believe me this is not the case.

I struggle to see who I am without taking my diagnosis into account, so it helps when people let me know and see me when things are going downhill.  What hurts is when people use my diagnosis against me and believe they know me better than me.  For those of you who know the situation I am currently in you will see how this fits perfectly in to the worst thing!

I suppose with my anorexia the worst thing is not being able to go out with people who have never seen me eat.  The panic that comes over me is horrible.  I can now thankfully drink in front of people but even that took a while. 

When the worst things happen though it's important that I do remember the good things.  Tomorrow is always another day.

Rach x