3 more sleeps ...

Monday 22nd December 2014
11:52 am

Normally at this time of year,  I wish it would stay this date or hurry on to the end of December.  I could sleep and just wake up on New Year's Eve.  I've known for ages that life doesn't work like that.  We have to fight and work at building on and learning from our misfortunes.

Once again, the similar "you should look forward to Christmas and you should be excited" came from a multitude of people. Thankfully those who know me well knew not to say it, and because of that I found myself not necessarily looking forward to Christmas Day but enjoying the build up to it.

My first little bit of "excitement" as such was the Nativity which the Nursery I help at put on "Our First Nativity" it was the cutest and most adorable production.  The children were so excited, they each had a part which of course was vitally important.  Hearing them all so excited about Santa coming and what they hoped he would bring, and best of all being able to use "Santa is watching to see who's being good in Nursery" was probably one of the most enjoyable lines (cruel yes maybe but tell you what it worked!)

I then found myself eating the school Christmas Lunch.  Considering until last year I didn't eat anything that resembled a Christmas dinner, I know was eating with about twenty 2 - 4 year olds.  To many that might not sound like anything but when our children are known for just saying it how it is then truthfully I think I had a justified reason to be feeling a little anxious!

On Saturday Evening, I made one of the biggest steps of the year and to say I'm proud is an understatement.  To me it shows how lucky I am to have a great support network at School - I started helping to build my confidence and learn to trust new people after the way I had been treated in previous employment.  Truthfully I feel lucky.  So this big step?  I went on a night out which included a 3 course meal and I didn't have any alcohol to keep me going.  I didn't drink mainly because my meds have been increased slightly and I wanted to also remember that I could do it.  I could go out without feeling anxious and wanting to run at any given moment.  I worked through my anxiety in a very hard situation.  I know I went into a unsafe high at one point and again brought myself back to a level which I could deal with.  I could still have fun but not be stupid.  To everyone else I probably looked cool, calm, and collected - but I was working hard to be able to enjoy myself and come to realize how thankful I am to the school and looking at how my mood was when I started, they have had a huge positive on my mental health.

So I'm sat here knowing I have therapy soon, contemplating on all the good things this year has actually brought.  Yes I've had a tough few month - I've took myself out of course which was making me ill and I'd lost enjoyment from.  How it is been taught I know is not how I could work, if anything a lot of the things I was learning went against what I believed in order to help and support others.  I am open with my journey with BPD and anorexia, and when I work I want to be able to use my experience, all I ever wanted was for one of my support workers/counsellors./therapist whatever to tell me they had been through something and this is how they were dealing with it now.  They got through the dark bits and dealt with them still now but they managed, hiding behind secrets and being ashamed of our pasts, future and present is why we seem not to get far with mental health.  We focus so much on books which were written years and years ago and the opinions of "professionals" who have read those books but never have any lived experience.

2015 brings my new course at Chester Uni, I will finish my TA qualification and hopefully take that step of finding employment - learning from my experiences learning from my tool box of coping mechanisms and keeping it.

In 2015 I will be 24 I would have had my diagnosis of anorexia for 10 years.  That may seem frightening to many and lot of wasted years fighting an illness but for the past few years I have been given the chance to inspire others not to be ashamed of who they are.

I have so many people to thank for helping me through this year, helping me continue my fight and to fight stigma.

Yes the future is scary, but I have so many people to thank for not giving up on me or taking me on
as who I am today.  My safe places are growing and the people I trust or can rely on is to.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

x x x x

'Tis the Season to be Jolly?

Saturday 6th December 2014
09:01am

So this is usually time when I start to dread the festive season.   Don't get me wrong I'm still not exactly looking forward to it but I'm slightly more optimistic.  The talks of diets and fitting into that new little black dress are starting to circulate so in my head I'm trying to think about everything but.

So why the optimism this year? I've been accepted onto a degree course at Chester University.  Which means I'm finishing my counselling course at level 4.  I know I want to work with children and young people, and for what I want to do and how I want to work moving to another course will help.

After the way the end of the last academic year ended I suppose I lost faith in the profession as well, realistically support needs to be in place sooner and be the stepping stone with early intervention.  I've been lost in the system and wished things could have gone so differently, but then I think if my treatment had been better would I be so passionate about changing the way services work and helping young people so they don't have to experience the lack of support I did.

I start my course around the worst time of year for me, end of January - the count down to February.  February is a month I would rather miss, yet for next year, it's the start of something new and exciting, not something to dread.

Struggling with mental health especially at this time of year for me is I think when it gets to me the most, the time I truly see how vulnerable I really am. I seem to forget everything I have learnt to cope and revert back old ways, so keep busy and in my routine as best as possible really helps.  I have fantastic support around me at the moment and I think finally I'm starting to see how much people do really care and the fact people want me around because I'm useful and not just out of pity.

I've not looked forward to something so huge which is happening to me for as long as I can remember.  I've started to sleep better knowing I'm moving course and my confidence in my ability to make a difference is back.  I won't understand ever why I allow people to have the power to make me feel so small and unworthy, that my experience counts for nothing, but yet I seem to do it.

So here is to the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015, not just a new year but a new start.

xxx

Mental Health & Halloween

Friday 31st October 2014
10:36am

So the other year ASDA and Tesco hit the news with their Halloween Costume related to mental health and now there seems to be a local campaign to stop places like Spooky World and Farmagedon to stop using worlds like Asylum to describe their attractions.  As someone who has mental health issues, I do wonder how we are taking this, are we making more of an issue or not making enough of the issue?   I think it is a debate which will be carried on every year until the end of time as we try and be politically correct.  Words we use now to describe other may in the next 50 years be classed as not PC and that generation can't believe we said certain words.

My ex's uni halls where on a old Asylum ground in Huddersfield.  The main building was still there but was fenced off to the public and seemed to be guarded by a man and his dog 24/7.  Rather than finding it scary, I found it really upsetting but interesting at the same time.  Storthes Hall was only closed in 1991 - the year I was born.  Every time I saw it on went to Huddersfield what got to me more was if I'd have been around through the time it was open how different my treatment could have been.  We could be celebrating how far the system has come, yes we still have a way to go but we are no longer hosing people down with freezing cold water and some of the other  terrible treatment which was tested through previous years. The site where the grounds were the halls are are said to be haunted by old patients who had died there, yes the building is eery, but it is a stark reminder to those in the system today actually how "lucky" we are, despite at times not feeling like it.

It's been half term this week, something which I've never enjoyed, I like my routine and being able to know what is happening on certain days, I feel a lot more settled.  Most days I've been able to have something in to get me out the flat and not allow my mood to drop to drastically.

I've been able to do another tape for my college and I am so grateful to the people who have helped me with that.  The trip yesterday brought back a few memories, as I am sure I'd been around the area with my mum when she used to take me out on little drives when I was in hospital, so it was positive to see how far I have come since I was an inpatient.

Again, I spent a couple of Halloween's in hospital, I always remember coming back from community trip and one of the patients had carved out pumkins while we had been out and helped decorate the unit, despite the fact we didn't go out trick-a-treating or have any intention was wanting to eat any sweets we still tried to have a "normal" day.

Things with JBL have been going well, we have projects on the go and hopefully we will be working with a local high school in Warrington, who's work deserves so much credit for the support they are giving their students.  I just wish other schools could be doing the same and taking lead.

So what ever you choose to do tonight, enjoy yourself and enjoy all your sweets!

x x x x

By 2020 ...

Wednesday 8th October 2014
08:24pm

So Nick Clegg has come into the news around the Lib Dems policy for mental health - by 2020 mental health patients should have a similar waiting to list for treatment as patients who have cancer.  Are we finally as a society realising that mental health can be just as deadly as cancer?  Knowing that just one of my diagnosis (anorexia) has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness - just shows to be honest how important changes to the system need to be.

I received the news on Monday that after 1 year 1 month and 27 (ish) days I am finally at the top of the waiting list for therapy.  To say I was happy was an understatement - I got off the phone and cried with relief.  My first few years in the mental health system I battled everyone, I didn't want help as I really believed I was okay.  The past year or so I have realised how much I really need to take the plunge and have the therapy I know I need, I'm scared yes but I'm ready.

The past few months I won't lie have been testing.  I have wanted to just give in to my thoughts - I've not but I think I've given in more days then I would have liked to.  On a bad day I realise how easy it would be to just give in to the persisting thoughts  and get on and end my life, on a good day I realise the positives and can ignore and continue as normally as possible without giving my thoughts to much of a worry.

My confidence is slowly building with college.  I believe I've coped okayish with a couple of hurdles which I have already faced, but feeling watched at my reactions been monitored is really hard especially with I know I just want to get my self to a safe place and either just have a good old scream or cry.

JBL had a school talk last week which also worked in well with the #yachall through the Young DPULO Ambassador side - tackling perceptions around disability is so important.

I really hope that the promises which are starting to be made for by the end of 2020 are taken seriously.  There is a massive need for improvement - I've been lucky in the fact that during my wait any episodes I have had the support of friends and family.

Let's see if this can be done, let's hope that mental health services can be improved ...

Back to real life blogging ...

Monday 29th September 2014
10:52am

Due to the 30 Day Mental Health Blog Challenge I've not really blogged on a whole as didn't want to bombard with blogs.  So I've been trying to keep a mental blog of what has been going on so I could pull something together.  It was really interesting though to do the challenge and I do think I secretly enjoyed it.

So, what's been going on ...

I'm now part of the Charlotte's Helix Project (https://www.charlotteshelix.net/) which is looking at the genetic link with anorexia.  I've done the first part of adding my DNA in the form of saliva, which I won't lie was very strange, and have also done a questionnaire.  I really recommend if you have a history of anorexia to click on the link and get involved.  25 thousand people are needed from all over the world.  

I sent an email to Fixers (http://www.fixers.org.uk/) to see if they could help my fight in getting people to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder and more importantly at least try and understand it.  I won't lie it took me a while to accept my diagnosis I think mainly because I already had one label with my anorexia.  Over the past year I'd started to realise the amount of stigma attached attached through my own personal experience.  This has been through work and education, and to be honest I was sick of been made to feel like shit!  I have a done recording for Granada Reports which is getting aired on Thursday (2nd October)

I've gone back to Uni for my second year of my foundation degree, this was a massive decision to if I went back as my confidence had really been knocked at the end of the last year, with different meetings I decided to go back and give it another go.  All I wanted was for people to see I do actually know what I'm capable of.  If I'm honest uni really has rocked my emotions, with it being a counselling course I get that you need to be stable as such but what I'm finding hard is that decisions are being made without involving me.  How something is put across may sound fine to someone but in actual fact it could have a detrimental affect and it's not them who has to deal with the fall out.  

JBL is going really well.  We are hoping to set up a fundraiser in the near future and we have been given an opportunity with Power in Partnership.  We have a talk at a school this week, which is one we have been to before so we should be in for a good day.

So as for me in general, I'm trying.  I have found it difficult going back to uni mainly due to the end of last term so I've had a lot of panic attacks which have really got me down.  I met my new psychiatrist who was lovely and is hopefully going to be chasing up where my therapy is (1 year 1 month and 20 days in waiting)

Thanks for reading! 

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 30

Sunday 28th September 2014

07:32pm

Day 30

What does recovery mean to you?

LAST DAY OF CHALLENGE! 

Recovery to me is being able to stay on an even keel.  My belief is once you have experienced the mental health system, even if you're discharged from a service it's always there in the background but you are more aware of what your triggers are or even what you can personally take.

I understand that others will have a different point of view, some have said my view is slightly pessimistic, but from my own personal experience that is what it is.  Relapse is part of recovery and to be accepting a bad day is part of a recovery journey and not to knock yourself down because of it.

Rach x 

30 Day Challenge - Day 29

Friday 26th September 2014

05:42pm

Day 29

What are a few of your goals regarding your mental health?

- Accepting everyone is not as understanding

- Stay stable or at least safe

- Don't knock myself when I have a bad day

- Use the people around me for support

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 28

Thursday 25th September 2014

08:42am

Day 28

Explain a “bad” day

To me a bad day is a day when I can't cope.  I like to be on my own (which isn't a good things really) and I just let me mind run away with me.  My suicidal thoughts normally increase and the urge to self harm rises - sometimes to the extent I have to act on those thoughts because the fear of if I don't will mean that when I do act it could be 100 times worse.

With having BPD my mood can fluctuate quickly over a short amount of time, so when I'm on an extreme high - it's trying to prepare myself that a low will be pending.

I've taught myself well I think mainly because I feel I've had to with limited professional support, what I do use to help me through a bad day may in all honestly be frowned upon by others, but until I have the help I'm screaming out for I'm not going to know.

The main thing with a bad day is to remember when possible "tomorrow is another day" which is something I try my hardest to live by when things aren't feeling right.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 27

Wednesday 24th September 2014

08:14pm

Day 27

Explain a “good” day

A good day for me is being able to recognise how I'm feeling.  It's also been able to see when I'm doing to much.

I like to be able to get with things and be able to do the "normal" day to day things without panicking to much.

This is actually a hard one to explain, which may seem very odd!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 26

Tuesday 23rd September 2014

04:22pm

Day 26

How is your day-to-day life effected by your mental illness(es)?

It depends on how my mood is.  Some days I can be fine and things don't really affected me, which means I can process things a lot easier, sort of keep on top of my emotions.

I think on a bad day or if I'm having an episode as such - things seems really strange.  Best way I can describe it is being in a bubble or when you see on a film someone standing still and the rest of the world whizzing on by in super fast motion.

I don't trust myself and what ever I think doesn't feel right.  Sometimes I can't notice when I'm slipping which for me is when things are scary, when I need someone to pull me aside and say something.

I hate hating myself, I hate wanting to be someone else and I hate the thoughts which I get or things which come into my head. I think what gets to me more is when I can't handle something or worry that people will be scared or are freaked out by what I do have to say.

You can live a life with mental health issues but what I've learnt is that I have to be honest if something is triggering me, or I'm starting to not feel right.  Everyone copes differently, what I think is "normal" if I was to say it out loud may receive some funny looks.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 25

Sunday 21st September 2014

07:53pm

Day 25

What is your opinion on forced mental health treatment? Can be legal (law enforcement or psychiatric holds) or a “helping” friend/family member

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Ask me this when I'm unwell and you'll probably get a different answer!

At times these are needed, whether it is a section 2 (assessment for 28 days) or section 3 (up to 6 month holding period for treatment)  there are other sections which can be used which the police can enforce, but for the sake of long term psych treatment these are the most commonly used.

While I was ill I was held on a section 5(4) - (nurses holding power for up to 6hrs) and then on a 5(2) - (doctors holding power for up to 72hrs) I was assessed on a number of occasions but managed to someone how show I had capability and capacity.  If I'm honest looking back I should have been sectioned, but I'm also glad I didn't as in all honesty I think I'd be in a very different situation now.  

What I did find hard with forced care was on the occasions I was restrained, I think in all honestly it is a feeling which I will never be able to explain properly.  Getting pinned to the floor to "calm" someone down is awful and I think it's even harder when you hear someone else been restrained.  Having someone screaming in my face or having an episode in front of me I could someone deal with that better than either myself being restrained or hearing someone else being restrained.  Just thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes, physically it doesn't hurt, it's not meant to but psychologically it's different, something which they never mentioned in restraint training for staff.

My nasal feed was an experience I should have hated, but in fact that tube became a friend.  It took the responsibility away of me having to eat and it was the nurses who were making me "fat".  Again I understand that tube feeds are at times needed and a life saving resource for many, as at the time it was for me.

My "helping" person was my parents while I was under 16 they had a lot of say of my care then that all changed on my 16th birthday and I suddenly had all this power over my own care.  My parents refused to bring me home after I collapsed and ended up in hospital and my stays just continued from there.  I've been honest with my parents and said if I ever needed hospital stay I would have to be sectioned to be put back in hospital, it is something which I don't want to have to relive.  I really do believe being in the community is a much better option for treatment for me.  I do not disbelieve for some people hospital treatment is needed and I would hate to put someone off from an inpatient stay if it is needed.  

I got to used to been in hospital and I really struggled to settle back in at home which has always upset me, as I really found it hard, it was my home and the place where I grew up but I just never felt right once I was back.  Which is a big reason why I was so desperate to move out and into my own place.

I don't mean to sound negative, and apologies if I've upset anyone reading this.

At times forced treatment IS needed, however, I do believe this should be looked at continually through treatment.

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 24

Saturday 20th September 2014

09:38am

Day 24

What is your opinion on alternative treatments or treatments that aren’t commonly used? 

For some people they do work, I've never really enjoyed the "alternative route" especially as I don't understand how a picture can represent something, especially if the only thing is you can draw is a house, tree and a few stick men.  To me that just shows my limitations of drawings and the reason why I never took up my artistic talents and dropped the subject as soon as I could.

I don't discourage people from trying any therapy as for the simple fact we are all different and things work differently for others.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 23

Friday 19th September 2014

05:53pm

Day 23

What is your opinion on therapy?

I think if you are ready for therapy then it can work, but that's the key.  You have to want therapy.  I found through inpatient care and through some of my treatment as an outpatient it as been forced.  Which I have found now that I am ready is been used against me as I wouldn't participate in the past.

I've done a range of therapy both in a group setting and a 1:1.  These included art, person centered, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and even forced to do art therapy.  Through my eating disorder treatment on the unit we also had dietetic advice and group to prepare us for the "outside world"

My experience hasn't been positive, and this is a reason why I am doing my counselling.  I always remember wishing the person sat in front of me had some experience other than just reading a book.  I remember asking so many people, do you actually know what it's like to be a young person living with a mental health issue the answer was always a stumbled "No, sorry I don't but I can imagine" to be honest I don't think anyone who has not en-counted mental health can come close to "imagining"

My experience as I wasn't ready left me angry, and wish there had been other ways of working but still being able to have that support outside the family.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 22

Thursday 18th September 2014
09:45pm

Day 22
What is your opinion on medication used to treat mental illness(es)?

As long as it's used for the right reasons and not just to zombie-fy people then I honestly think it is a good thing but really believe therapy is needed to as you can't just solve everything with a tablet.

I'm on medication and only yesterday had my anxiety tablet upped.  I do think that once I have the correct therapy that will also help.

I've been on medication which hasn't agreed with me but the tablets I'm on now seem to have helped.  I am fully aware that you can't rely just on medication to "cure" everything.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 21

Wednesday 17th September 2014
06:40pm

Day 21
Many people say stress triggers symptoms, do you agree or disagree?

I honestly agree with this, but also believe stress can heighten triggers if you are already struggling.  Summer has proven this for me.  When I get stressed and have to much on my mental health has an impact and I can usually sense something is up as I notice a change in my behaviors, which is a good thing the fact I can notice.  I've had a lot to think about over summer and know my eating has not been great or my state of mind on days.

With having BPD my emotions are heightened anyway and I do wonder if what is stressing me out would stress out a 23 year old who doesn't have mental health issue.  

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 20

Tuesday 16th September 2014
04:41pm

Day 20
Where do you get your support?

I'm involved with my local mental health team, but recently have had a change of psychiatrist, which if I'm honest I'm actually nervous about meeting them next week.  I am currently on the waiting list for therapy (1 year 1 month and 7 days) not that I'm counting or anything!

I also have support off my family, which I've been able to appreciate more since I moved out, but as parents can they can still annoy me!  My brother has become a great support for me to as he's got older and started to understand things a lot more about my conditions.

My friends who are again another fab support, I always want to write a list but I always panic that I'll miss someone out and I don't want to offend anyone!! I've met a lot of people through services and a few have them have become an important part of my life.

On a stranger note my cats are so important to me! I think having that extra responsibility makes me want to carry on, especially on a bad day when I want to end it all I do worry what will happen to them! (Crazy Cat lady!)  My dad takes the mic as when I did a radio interview I didn't mention anyone else but the cats (whoops)

Support comes in all shapes and sizes.  It doesn't have to be something/someone physical.  Memories are so important to, how you coped last time you were in this position, yes it can be hard to go back and think but if I can I do try.

Support can be a hug, photo, memory, person, animal, book, therapy, friends, family .... I could go on, what I find support in, you the person reading this may find support through something else.

10 Days left to go and I think secretly I'm starting to enjoy this challenge.  

Rachael x

30 Day Challenge - Day 19

Monday 15th September 2014

09:14am

Day 19

Have you ever read a self-help book or a book related to psychology?  What is your opinion on them?  If you have read them do you have a favourite?

I've never really read a self-help book as such, what I've found more beneficial is reading other people's journeys.  It seems to sink in more when I'm struggling that someone else has experienced something similar and has found a way out of it.

I know my mum has read loads and she seemed to swap them with the other parents she made friends with along the way.  I'm surprised my mum hasn't done one yet with Wendy (one of her closest friends who she met while I was poorly - I suppose one good thing that came from a shitty situation for my mum)

Through doing my degree at the moment I always seem to find myself flicking to the glossary to see if eating disorders or personality disorders are covered, and finding out what the authors view on a certain theory is.  Every theory works differently on each individual and it would be nice for a theorist to state that at some point, however, I'm still looking.

So as for a favourite I would have to say I don't have one book in particular, but I do prefer to read from an author who has actually experienced what they are talking about other than just from "professional" point of view.  

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 18

Sunday 14th September 2014

03:57pm

Day 18

What do you wish people would understand in regards to mental illness and/or mental health?

I wish people would realise it's not something which you can snap out of and get over.  What I've found harder is the view many people have when you have been in hospital over your mental health and then think just because you are home things are automatically okay again.

If anything been in hospital (in my opinion) was the easy part.  Getting back home is when things do get harder as people's expectations are that you are well and there is nothing to worry about.  As much as I hated being in hospital it was safe.  The same people came in and out, and all that mattered was what went on in side those walls. 

There are times when I wonder do I need to go back in for a bit.  I think the honest truth is at some of those times the answer has been yes, but I'm lucky with the fact that the support I have around me have battled those times with me.  It was hard when I moved out of mum and dad's I had to quickly learn to ignore the voices not to eat and end it all.

I just wish people would simply UNDERSTAND , I know mental health is a mine field but it would just be nice if people could just actually do that.  Just listen allow that person to work through what they are doing, see them as people and not as an attention seeker.  I do sometimes wonder if even just trying to get people to understand is to much.  We hear so much negativity through media, I worry people at to scared to understand in case that makes them as "crazy" as the person they are talking to.

Rach x  

30 Day Challenge - Day 17

Saturday 13th September 2014
06:34pm

Day 17
If you could get rid of your mental illness(es) would you?  Why or why not?

If I had the choice of having mental health issues in the first place I'd have said no, however, having lived with them and doing the work I have done to raise awareness it's nice to just be stable at times.  

What I do hate is the fact I've missed out on a lot and that's what does frustrate me.  I often wonder why me, why the hell did I have to have mental health issues.  

The question really has me thinking ...

Rach 

30 Day Challenge - Day 16

Friday 12th September 2014
1:20pm

Day 16
How many people are you “out” to with your mental illness(es)? Why?

Love this question!

I'm not ashamed about my mental health issues.  I have my moments when I wish I could just be "normal"

I do so much work around mental health I really believe been open with what I can will ensure that other people can hopefully feel the same.

I think it is important to be open, mental health is nothing to be ashamed of and I wish others could see that.  Everyone has a different journey and mine has empowered me to get through the bad days and try my hardest to focus on the good. 

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 15

Thursday 11th September 2014
08:32pm

Day 15 
How has your life been effected by your illness(es)? (Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)

Well I think at school, it wasn't really understood.  I was in hospital for a lot of year 11 (my GCSE year) and then for my college years.  I did manage to sit my GCSEs while I was in hospital and thankfully passed them all.  I did a few A/S levels in college but did re-do both year 12 and 13 once I felt fully able to.

I've had a few jobs while I've been at my worst and also I suppose "stable".  I had a job I loved which sadly the post was made redundant and with that and other situations going on with work I became rather ill after that, with that it has knocked my confidence with work, which is why I'm trying hard to concentrate on my uni course and trying dam hard to follow advice off my mental health team.

I was in a steady relationship when I was officially diagnosed as having BPD, sadly the pressure of my illness and my boyfriend at the time at university things got to much for both of us.  It was a mutual break-up but I won't lie hit me hard.  Looking back though it was the right thing to do.  While I was seeing him though he did make an effort to come to any appointments and try and understand what was going on.  I've had a couple of short relationships since but come to a point where as much as I'd love to be in a relationship I'm happy where I am, I'm not bothered that I'm single, but what does get me at times is seeing my friends who are either married, engaged or just in a relationship getting on and even having children.  

Friendships are hard with BPD but those who are my friends know about it.  I remember in school having loads of friends seemed to be important but really it's not.  I find it so hard to trust people and let people in but socially I know I struggle.  I won't lie I do like my own company, but I know at times I need to force myself to be with people, which sounds strange.  Some days I rely a lot more on people but those are the days you find out who are your true friends.

On the plus side though my career or how I see my career going is due to the events which have happened to me.  I want to be able to make a difference I don't want my struggle to be meaningless.  I've sat in groups since been in adult services hearing others who are much older than me moan about how the system hasn't changed since they were in their 20's etc and they feel for the "younger ones" - I would love to be able to say there is a change and the only way to do this is my opening up and campaigning.  JBL is a great way to help do this and I'm so thankful to all those who help support it.

Half way through the challenge ... hope I'm not boring you to much!!

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 14

Wednesday 10th September 2014
04:15pm

Day 14
Have you ever experienced stigma?

Yes is the simple answer.  Not just from people who I know through school or work but also members of the public, when I was really low in weight I'd get verbal abuse thrown at me.

I've found it harder with adults in the employment side of things as I have this expectation that adults should be a lot more understanding and think about what they say.  My belief through school was just that kids can be cruel.  If you're not educated about a subject then it's harder to understand.

I've struggled trying to get people to understand my reaction to things or how I behave.  I think at times I can try to hard which makes me more awkward with other people.

I worry if I open up people will become afraid of me, the thoughts which I have in my head at times scares me how do you then explain that to other people without the words which are so often associated with mental health I can see flash around my head and glisten in people's eyes

I don't think we will ever get rid of stigma completely we don't live in a perfect world, but what we can do is use personal experiences to give other people the chance to learn and not stigmatise other people from seeing a true reaction of how stigma which has been faced by a person they can associate with has coped.

Rach x 

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

Tuesday 9th September 2014

06:27pm

Day 13:

If you know the criteria of your illness(es) which ones do you think you meet? Or what are your most common symptoms?

NHS Choices states you have to answer yes to five or more of the following for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Please remember though if you do answer yes to five or more don't panic, it may just fit your life style if you really are worried though please go and speak to your GP for reassurance or support.

• Do you have an intense fear of being left alone which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)

• Do you have a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with other people that switch between thinking you love that person and they are wonderful to hating that person and thinking they are terrible?

• Do you ever feel you do not have a strong sense of your own self and are unclear about your self-image?

• Do you engage in impulsive activities in two areas that are potentially damaging, such as unsafe sex, drug abuse or reckless spending (but not including self-harming or suicidal behavior)?

• Have you made repeated suicide threats or attempts in your past and engaged in self-harming?

• Do you have severe mood swings, such as feeling intensely depressed, anxious or irritable, which last from a few hours to a few days?

• Do you have long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness?

• Do you have sudden and intense feelings of anger and aggression, and often find it difficult to control your anger?

• When you find yourself in stressful situations, do you have feelings of paranoia, or do you feel like you are disconnected from the world or from your own body, thoughts and behavior?

 I don't want to go into me personally to much on this, but you can see from reading this how intense BPD can be on a person.  A lot of these also fit in with my eating disorder, but it makes the behaviors which don't link up make sense in my head so much.  Each person with BPD will be affected differently and it's important to remember that.

Anorexia criteria is always been looked at.  Many have the perception that you have to always be skeletal and never eat at all.  This isn't the case.  Weight loss will be noticeable in time but even now with my BMI considered okay.  I still obsess about food, and still have problems struggling with my weight and how I cope with situations can sometimes come over through my behavior with food.  

I hope this makes a bit of sense, I've had a long day with filming!

Rach x