3 more sleeps ...

Monday 22nd December 2014
11:52 am

Normally at this time of year,  I wish it would stay this date or hurry on to the end of December.  I could sleep and just wake up on New Year's Eve.  I've known for ages that life doesn't work like that.  We have to fight and work at building on and learning from our misfortunes.

Once again, the similar "you should look forward to Christmas and you should be excited" came from a multitude of people. Thankfully those who know me well knew not to say it, and because of that I found myself not necessarily looking forward to Christmas Day but enjoying the build up to it.

My first little bit of "excitement" as such was the Nativity which the Nursery I help at put on "Our First Nativity" it was the cutest and most adorable production.  The children were so excited, they each had a part which of course was vitally important.  Hearing them all so excited about Santa coming and what they hoped he would bring, and best of all being able to use "Santa is watching to see who's being good in Nursery" was probably one of the most enjoyable lines (cruel yes maybe but tell you what it worked!)

I then found myself eating the school Christmas Lunch.  Considering until last year I didn't eat anything that resembled a Christmas dinner, I know was eating with about twenty 2 - 4 year olds.  To many that might not sound like anything but when our children are known for just saying it how it is then truthfully I think I had a justified reason to be feeling a little anxious!

On Saturday Evening, I made one of the biggest steps of the year and to say I'm proud is an understatement.  To me it shows how lucky I am to have a great support network at School - I started helping to build my confidence and learn to trust new people after the way I had been treated in previous employment.  Truthfully I feel lucky.  So this big step?  I went on a night out which included a 3 course meal and I didn't have any alcohol to keep me going.  I didn't drink mainly because my meds have been increased slightly and I wanted to also remember that I could do it.  I could go out without feeling anxious and wanting to run at any given moment.  I worked through my anxiety in a very hard situation.  I know I went into a unsafe high at one point and again brought myself back to a level which I could deal with.  I could still have fun but not be stupid.  To everyone else I probably looked cool, calm, and collected - but I was working hard to be able to enjoy myself and come to realize how thankful I am to the school and looking at how my mood was when I started, they have had a huge positive on my mental health.

So I'm sat here knowing I have therapy soon, contemplating on all the good things this year has actually brought.  Yes I've had a tough few month - I've took myself out of course which was making me ill and I'd lost enjoyment from.  How it is been taught I know is not how I could work, if anything a lot of the things I was learning went against what I believed in order to help and support others.  I am open with my journey with BPD and anorexia, and when I work I want to be able to use my experience, all I ever wanted was for one of my support workers/counsellors./therapist whatever to tell me they had been through something and this is how they were dealing with it now.  They got through the dark bits and dealt with them still now but they managed, hiding behind secrets and being ashamed of our pasts, future and present is why we seem not to get far with mental health.  We focus so much on books which were written years and years ago and the opinions of "professionals" who have read those books but never have any lived experience.

2015 brings my new course at Chester Uni, I will finish my TA qualification and hopefully take that step of finding employment - learning from my experiences learning from my tool box of coping mechanisms and keeping it.

In 2015 I will be 24 I would have had my diagnosis of anorexia for 10 years.  That may seem frightening to many and lot of wasted years fighting an illness but for the past few years I have been given the chance to inspire others not to be ashamed of who they are.

I have so many people to thank for helping me through this year, helping me continue my fight and to fight stigma.

Yes the future is scary, but I have so many people to thank for not giving up on me or taking me on
as who I am today.  My safe places are growing and the people I trust or can rely on is to.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

x x x x