looking forward

after driving round warrington this morning during my lesson it made me realise how bloody lucky i was, it was never thought i would be able to actually drive or infact be home properly in warrington, my home, the place which i love - which is so weird as so many people hate living here.

I had to go into town as i needed to get some make up and then some woman got mugged, she got her purse back but it was horrible to watch, i was so scared - i find it hard to go out on my own sometimes as i always think the worse will happen and my fear was coming to life, there was police everywhere and i just cried on the way home i just wanted to get there and feel safe get into my home lock the door and just cry.

coming back up to my room it was weird i have been getting flash backs of the beginning of last year when i tried to end my own life due to the depression and not being able to cope and they have been making me so ill getting into hot swets thinking i'd done it although i knew i hadn't - i was noticing bits of food on the wall from when i was ill i knew i just needed the change i needed to paint my room and make this a fresh start - make my room MINE not my anorexia's, who had turned me back into a young child in need to have a pink bedroom with a disney princes border - i'm 18 and have the room of a 4 yr old and want to make it mine.

I sorted out my top cupboard which was filled with everything from units - i bagged it up and handed it to my mum - she raises so much awareness so maybe this will help, give her a proper insight into what i was going through, and sometimes what i still am going through. My OCD picked up a bit this week and so cleaning my room today was like this huge buzz i felt so much better things had got out of my system although my mood still slightly low.

i got to speak to my best and most special friend today, Eva always manages to cheer me up without fail and she does =]

this time tomorrow i will have a new fresh room and my final reminder of the unit left behind my room will just be mine and not the anorexia's i refuse to let it dominate my thoughts for much longer i will in time be able to let go completly and i am looking forward to that day. I will be one of the lucky ones who will fully beat this demon, my life is moving forward and i want it to stay this way - i want to stay positive and be able to tell my mum things, although my struggle this week has taken a while to come out and say i've done it and it's had a positive outcome, i get a nice clean fresh room - i will have a room fit for someone my age!! i'm not expecting it to solve my problems just keep me the courage to know i've earnt my new room because i've kept myself positive for a year give or take a few blips but with no inpatient stays. i'm hoping i can keep my positivity for a lot longer but i know it's down to me only i can make the change
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