nearly 19 =S . . . .

Friday 23rd July 2010

09:45am

I'm sitting here thinking that in about 2 weeks I shall be 19! but it's the past few months of my last yr that things have really started to make me realise i really do deserve to be doing the things I am. I have gained so much confidence, and have been able to let go.

I think from about May time things really started to pick up, I managed to start getting interest from the WDP reciving the odd phone call to see if i could come down for an informal chat - get to know people who I would have the 'pleasure' of working with!!! haha oj love you all really =p I did a talk for pals to drs and consultants about mental health issues to improve what 'skills' they have already on mental health! i say 'skills' for a number of reasons! They go to uni train, read out of books etc, but where is their personal experience? where is the 1:1 in which they sit down and actually talk to their patient? no tick boxes no pieces of paper just a chat, become someone who the patient can actually be honest with and not just going in talking a pile of crap saying they feel fine when they don't, it's trust they want to get out of hospital and do what they want - there is a difference between informal and 'informal' how? informal you go in, you can walk out whenever, 'informal' basically you're forced in, no section but it's there looming in the background, you try and leave you're on the floor with members of staff telling you basically you have no rights and your now on the joy of a 24hr section until you can be assessed or for a dr to up the anti and place u on a 72hr one . . . . how nice of them!

so in about 2 weeks i shall be celebrating my 19th! such a weird thought! for lots of you it's another birthday for me it means so much more, i was not believed to be at home for birthdays with my habbit of becoming another satistic on the inpatient list or was i ever thought to be alive. i'm actually trying to plan a night out, contemplating a meal out, but the thought is like so hard - work i think are getting used to my weird habbits of unable to just eat something it's picked apart etc etc but i tell myself it will stop, i will be able to just have a meal and not try and work out how many calories i have just had in something which i've considered a challange!

so what's kept me out then? for once i've had things which i've wanted to keep hold of! I've got myself back in college,with one or two little hitches/mistakes whateverbut i'm not going back if i get really ill again. I have finally got to become a b-eat ambassador, people always told me i wouldn't do it, i was to pro ana, no i was just too ill but trips to my new found love on london are keeping me rather happy! the wdp and pals work - finally they have a young person on bored who is going through the system for mental health who is willing to stand up and say something about disabilites from a mental health side! there are lots of older sufferers who are willing to stand up as i keep been told over and over, but one day i will be an 'older' sufferer and want someone who wil turn round and say i may be young but i deserve a chance in life to get good treatment and have hopes and dreams for the future!

my family especially my parents and also my nan =] letting me rant off when my day is too much, my friends =] keeping them going making them realise that things are worth it =] you know who you are =] , my new little matey at work =] Rachael!!! What would I do without you there!!!!! seriously i get the kick up the ass i need when it's food time =p "... erm you're not just having that! ... " but as she says its because she cares, i love all my other buddies there don't get me wrong =p you're all good to have a little dig at, hugs chats etc!! when i won tickets to see Toy Story Three, there was no other option of who to pick =p plus it meant i got on nose round her house =p hahaha =] .. . god i sound sooo cheesy argh well!!! i can't act all hard and scary all the time =p they have all realised not to think my innocent charms are me all over =] for once in work i can be me!! have a little freak out without people thinking why did we ask you do to this role again? having things to hold on to is amazing, a yr out means i want another yr out, small steps and not giant leaps!

college in september is still scaring me the unknown new timetable new routine - think i may just stay at home in bed! jayne what do you think? mwah hahahaha - but work is my litte new routine it lovely to go in and be able to see smiles =] . . . talking of which i better be off and gettin ready the hetic life in which i lead!!!

x x x x x x