weird day but in a good way

Tuesday 29th June 2010 7:50pm

After being able to stay off college while the rest of the year when to look round liverpool uni - again one of the college's local uni's which is why they go, I had to make sure i kept myself busy and my mind occupied away from what i knew could creep up on me, the ability not to eat get away with knowing i could lie my way though the day, perhaps a few months ago i would have done that but today i was determined to make today a practice day for the summer holidays, 6 long weeks off and the holiday i dreaded more than any.

I managed to drag myself out of bed despite the miserable weather outside and took the books back which were way over due to the library, 78p fine on each book is not alot but i was still like robbery! Walked back to the bus stop and there stood an old lady, she looked scared at first some "teenager" deciding to come and stand near her at what she deemed as her bus stop and did remind me of this at several occassions! Eventually she realised i wasn't going to rob her bag and run off and i think she was only reasurred of this by my bus pass, eventually she started to talk to me, it was one of those where i was wondering if i was the only person she would talk to all day, she told me her life story, literally! she told me about how everyday she gets out the house gets on the bus and goes places, yesterday she was in New Brighton and told me how she was horrified that once again another tesco was takig over such a lovely town. She noticed my arms as by this point the weather had picked up and obviously i wasn't going to trouble her with my life so i came up with the "i fell out of a tree" i don't think she bought it but she looks satisfied with the answer! she got on to the love of my life david cameron, witted on to herself for a bit and how upset she is that her bus pass might be taken off her in 2012, with the added comment of "if i'm still alive" i reasurred her she would be as she was such a positive person and the bus turned up, as we got on the bus she told me i'd made her day and let everyone else on the bus know as well, i was like bless you!

yeah so i manage to get to work and pick up the leaflets for the disability awareness day and also the most exciting part of my day i think my letter to offer me the job offically with all the documentation, i was so excited i think jayne thought i'd taken something although before i'd had my id badge picture taken which i wasn't expecting! so got the leaflets and was like a mad woman giving some into the chemists, college, sports centre etc around sankey although it was so sad to hear that shops can't take them, how mad is that! raising awareness on such a major part of society it was sad, although it was not the staff memebers fault i just thought how can a shop which makes a massive income not be able to take in leaflets for a proper charity who are being supported by major companies like the NHS!

come home so tired my energy levels had dropped completly and i just went straight to the diet coke in the fridge while the poor dog was crying outside to come in! later on about tea time of course the usual conversation starts with what you having for tea blah blah, and i go blind there is nothing i can have, nothing i can dare touch or bring myself to make, dad is coming up with different ideas and i'm there like no no no, eventually a decision is made and make it and sit down and first staring blanky at the plate as though i was back at the unit with no choice other than to eat, i'm nearly out a year and refuse to go back in hospital and have to go through the entire process over and over again i'm not wasting anymore of my life or changing my dreams to fit in with me now! i was so desperate to go into nursing but after all the stays and experiences i don't think i could hack it, making someone so determined not to eat actually eat knowing what they would be thinking and how much they were hating me for sitting there and watching them, chopping up food which they don't want and would refuse to talk to me again until they were ready, as i would be to worried that i could be back in the situation and be the hypocrit which so many staff members can be! bringing up conversations about going on a diet while you're sat there eating an 800 calories meal something which once ago was your limit for the day and now they are buzzing off each other as they go to slimming world and weight watchers with their steamed vegetables and slim fast shakes, you get to the point though were you pitty people like that, diets are a fad where as an eating disorder isn't however that fad diet can quickly turn into an eating disorder if that person's feelings start to change and bang they are sitting at a long glass table having to listen to staff talk about their next crazy diet and how they have lost a stone while they have gained that and having to fight against their anorexic thoughts and get out of the hospital!!

It makes me sad as well when the people in college are talking about diets and needing to loose weight when they are lovely anyway a lot of them know i don't like diets i've told staff off as i think they are just stupid, they are a fad you loose the weight feel good then eat again and go back also known as a yo yo diet! all people need to do is make sure they have what they need, it's the extra food which is why you gain weight, you can eat chocolate, crisps, sweet etc it's not bad for you but yet people say oh i being naughty today i'm having crisps, no you're not being naughty it is normal to want to eat junk food providing your diet is varied!!!, this was another conversation i had to listen to from 2 young girls who looked about 14 on the way back i was like omg you're in school, i got diagnosed with anorexia then, and today i saw one of my triggers, but yet reacted so differently maybe as it's where i am at the moment!

The year 7 photo which we had taken a couple of months into our first year of high school was a major trigger of mine, i look huge compared to the other girls in the class and still think that, and even when i get people to pick me out if they come across it they are shocked, they don't have to tell me you can see it in their eyes and facial expressions. It was this photo and my individual photo which set me off, as soon as i saw this photo in the yr 7 i was horrified at how big i was but yet at the time i was 11 so thought i would just ignore it and hopefully i would just be lucky and it would just go within the next few years, but as time went on i saw no difference i was sick of my theighs rubbing together and them being red raw when i got home and crying because of the pain, so gradually this picture became an obsession if i felt i looked that i wouldn't eat the next day (this started to happen about january of 05, i set my new years resolution with the result to loose weight get fit and fit in with everyone else) so today when i got my notification on facebook i had been tagged into a photo i knew it would be an old one but wasn't expecting it to be this photo, at first i did as i did while i was getting ill and just looked at it compared myself to everyone else around me then stopped, i'm nearly 19 I was 11 on that photo so why the hell should i still be bothered everyone on there has changed and people have moved on, it was scary though knocking myself back into reality, although i'm so glad i was tagged into this picture and Lauren I thank you so much for doing it, you have helped me a lot just by that one photo =] although i did go through all the comments made under it expecting one to be there about my size there wasn't just of how shocked everyone was to see this 8 year old picture! that form the mighty 'K' saw me through so much they helped me when i needed it and kept me going when i was at my worst, the cards i recieved from them were so lovely although i never did show it at the time! when i came to prom it was like i'd never been away although the amount of people who asked me if i wanted to sit down does still make me laugh, even people that didn't know me properly still showed concern due to it flying round the year that i had been finally hospitalised and was warned of this my stillings herself, the 2002 yr 7s are my originaly year group and i still see you as that even when i talk i'm like my real year group as though the yr 12s are like some image of my imagination but they're not they are lovely =]

so that was my weird moment seeing my triggering photo and not let it actually trigger me off to the dark world which i hope is starting to pass =]

xxxxxxx