facing up to things ...

monday 20th september 2010

6:56pm

walking round asda before with mum i realised how far i had come but still how far i have to go! mum decided that i deserved a 'special' tea as i'd had a down day and night. loads of things have been happening and i feel like things were going out of contol, my life over the summer had been like a dream - for once my life was going well. i had everything i wanted and more ... much more.

a special tea for me was once like a 100 calorie meal, but tonight was one of my favourites - enough calories to feed an army! haha - reminded me of a priory meal to be perfectly honest. things were a stressful and it finally hit a climax last night, with me unable to sleep cope and ended up in an episode of my falling back into a stupid habit!!

i wake up this morning with last night running through my head, more worried about how tom would take the news than anyone else. i'd promised not to SH and to ring him but i could on justify with it being 2am in the morning my head been a total mess and him being asleep getting ready to start uni - at the time it seemed logical, when i spoke to him it was the one thing i wish i'd have done but you never know how people will react to situations especailly a person who you have only been dating nearly two months - i'm not used to people actually trying to understand just a mouthful of abuse and a massive telling off!!

...

this time i was greeted with a small lecture from tom, he was annoyed i don't blame him, i was so upset with myself and went through the conversation i would have with him to his tshirt which is round my pillow - sad yes but it helped but all i could see was the look of his upset that i didn't ring - but he was lovely although i did panic and send omg email to jayne with i've wrecked everything but i was okay eventually, i managed to finish my routine of the day with work by saying bye to jayne =] at first when i first layed eyes on tom it was because i knew he would be in there (no offence jayne) but now i do it because i want to and makes me feel good being able to leave with a bit of banter to get me on the bus home or to endure the journey back to hers with tom's terrible choice in music! hahhaaha!!!! so i had my pep talk with jayne who told me not to worry its an 'education' process for everyone, also me as i'm used to people just taking yes rachael is slightly strange she self harms doesn't eat and is depressing but in work its a concern. i spoke to mum about my night before she had guessed that something was wrong with me but i shrugged it off and said i was fine - i wasnt but as always the anorexic liar came out and the fake stupid smile came out too!! but mum was fine looked at my arm and just looked at me hugged me and said it's not bad but please stop, talk to someone before you result to that. she knows its the last thing i do and one thing which has actually improved and i'm proud i have as its one thing i hate, i can cope with the weight loss/anorexia etc but the S.H i just cant handle.

i looked at facebook before and was actually presented with a smile, i normally dred facebook, but when you see you have made someones year because you have made their son happy =] it really did actually make me smile - but this then led to some really mushy texts but of course the normal abuse will continue i'm sure!!! =p

this blog has taken me sooo long tonight!!! been doing other things do including my b-eat mentoring which is really interesting =]

walking round asda is weird i feel sick i worry that people will think the food i carry is for me and me only or if i'm walking round with a hell of a lot of 'junk food' i am having some sort of binge but i know it's okay - i go on a mission to avoid as many people as possible which is not normal but food shopping is a pain, trying hard not to look at the packaging but i sometimes manage with sweaty hands and looking all scared and timid over a loaf of bread - but it's something i have to do!!!

well i better be off now truthfully but will most probably have more to say sometime this week - something exciting will probably happen in the life of rachael johnston!!!!!!!!!

x x x x x x