hurray jayne has her voice back =]

sunday 19th september 2010

08:05am

wanting to move on is easy, actually doing it is bloody hard!! i should know, i'm there. i'm living it on a daily basis!!

firstly let me congratulate jayne getting her voice back =] it was actually weird listening to her talk properly =] although really freaky especially when you speak to her on the phone scared the hell out of me - poor beany though all your peace and quiet will be gone completly ... you got rid of me for a few days and now jayne has her voice back - singing round the house and shouting to do some housework .... have fun =p x x x x

as i mentioned on a earlier blog i started yr 13 (again) in college on monday, while i'm reflecting on it being monday tomorrow i'm back in the position i was in last sunday - not wanting to go in - for some reason the determination i once had for college has gone - i'm completing it though as if i don't i know i'll kick myself forever for not doing it. It annoyed me a lot then when i first did yr 12 in 2007 there was this big buz of these passes etc to get us round college etc etc we never got them they just were spoken about, but then i turn up to start yr 13 in 2010 and what is there the bloddy lanyards and a temp pass to show that we're a student at BHC. to me this was a massive kick in the face it reminded me that i was STILL a bloody student there, with that it stays in my bag - i do not want a pass anymore and i do not want my bloody horrible picture on it either - i'm not thinking it's because it's like embarrising - i see it more from an anorexic point of view!! i look fat on it and my parents have never seen my college photo so i'm not allowing the rest of sankey to have to 'privilage' to glare at my badge. i've been at that place for 9 yrs if staff dnt know who i am by now then something is seriously wrong!!! i've been spoken about in the staff room with my countless admissions due to my anorexia and also depression - especially the overdoses last year in which very nearly did end my life - this was my intention to end it all i wasn't doing it as a cry for help whatever the press says about young girls and sucidie attempts but i'm GLAD and HAPPY that i didn't succeed, i was in a very dark and horrible place and i'm glad i'm not there anymore as much as i was just a day every few months but i get out of it =]

so wednesday, i waved tom off at the station - it was horrible, i cried as the train left which resulted in a hug from the ticket station man - who had recoginsed me from the paper later on and i was reasurred things would be okay and my 'fella' would be back plus i'd be able to see him - bless him!!! so thats what happened on saturday!!!!! well yesterday!! because friday i was in glasgow with work at an intouch event - sex and disability, with my nice way of putting it across while in the training that everyone is 'gagging' for sex disabled or not the health professional next to me looked less than impressed but i'm 19 and a YA i'm not exactly representing young people if i talk like a 60 yr old - i even agreed that if you want a prostitute that you should be able to have one, after all drugs are illeagal and people still do it!! very professional i know maybe not but i'm young i have my opinion and after all i was asked to be a representation for young people by WDP and DT himself!! atm i think they might be changing their minds with my loud voice taking over the office and being to assertive lol oooh well =] got to be done!!! - like i was saying saturday i got the train to huddersfield met up with the Horton Clan and finally got to see tom - my week was finally worth it and i could actually smell him and not just the tshirt on my pillow hahahaha .... don't ask but i love smells - nice ones not the horrible ones which tom and beanny decide to do while i'm sat with them!!!!!! =p it was such a lovely day though i really enjoyed it, getting out and about instead of my old saturday of sitting in moping about and feeling sorry for myself!!

... we (jayne and me) met some of tom's flatmates who now propably think we're really weird as we cleaned the kitchen!! it was a state and needed doing, so while we were laughed at we cleaned up and prevented those students from getting some weird disease!!!!!

life is getting better, i'm letting more people into my life, i'm starting to trust a few more people who i can eat with but still it takes time and is hard. i'm still terrified of cameras at meal times and i still have foods which i can't bring my self to eat. i'm gettin to where i want to be slowly but surly and for once i have a boyfriend who sees me for me, not as an object. yesterday i appreciated the time i had with tom and i was dying for it not to end, although i could have stayed last night it's his time to settle into uni make more new friends and get to know where he is. basically i trust him more than anyone - i can eat a proper meal with him, eat crappy junk food, fall asleep and just cry when i need to or my head is driving me mad. for once i'm believing i have things to live for - last night with jayne was really nice we had tea and cringed at the X factor commenting on exactly the same things - the lamp shade skirt / the look a likes of JLO and the cute gay bloke off glee and the random outfits people chose to wear and both wondered why someone would let their loved one make a tit of themselves infront of so many people!!!! its madness although i personally believe wdp should go on britains got talent and do the 'thumb dance' from dad day with our groovy picture lols!!!!!!!!

i think i've rambled on enough this morning!!!!!

love n hugs

x x x x x x x