reality kicking me in the back ... !!!

monday 6th september 2010

8:42pm

at half 9 this morning the reality of my anorexia set in - a few years ago i went for a bone scan and it suggested i was at risk of osteoporosis, over the past few days silently i have been once again suffering with my back so this morning i decided to actually make the doctors appointment and for once face reality and see what this illness has actually done to my body!

i was examined and the doctor to be honest looked shocked at how much pain i was actually in - i was honest with what i could do and the fact that the twiches i was having which i thought was just me been weird was actually something serious and i had to watch!! my back is curved so it was decided that i should go to warrington hospital to be checked out properly - to see if more intensive work will have to be done on my back. i was really hoping that i was moving on and i was winning but i feel like the anorexia has won another round and letting me know its still in the background waiting for me to become vunerable so it can get me!

i do blame myself alot for my back problem i was the one who didn't eat i was the one who straved myself to look skeletal and for my periods to stop for about 3 / 4 years and for my bones to weaken and age quicker. i was always told osteoporosis was a risk to me but i decided not to listen, i refuse to allow this to set me back!! i have so much support behind me who are willing me to get through this which i was reminded of today so many times. i did want to cry but i've got to carry on but watching a doctor write on your notes that their concerned was like watching my life just fall apart the questions running round my head the main one would i be able to carry a baby when i was older? the one thing i'm scared of but i want to be my ambission i have allowed my periods to stay in order for me to have a family and i will have to gain weight obviously while i'm pregnant and it's my worst fear but it would scare me even more if i couldn't - life sucks but anoexia sucks more!!

my day was made better when a booked my first visit to a school to do a talk on disabilities, i'm actually looking forward to it - i get to share my opinions to the age group i want to, the ones who we can educate now while they are old enough and are able to realise how the impact of words will affect how a person feels - i still support the stamp out stigma campaign and even more so when things start to crop up in the media world!!

so i sit here wondering about my future wondering if my anorexia has had actually had the last laugh or if i can stand up and once again take out my sword and fight ...

x x x x x x