how times change ...

sunday 26th september 2010

10:36am

i realised on friday as i travelled up to huddersfield how different my life had change over the past couple of years!

the other year i would get the 7:44 train to manchester piccadilly to which i would arrive at the priory in bury about 2 hours later for my day care treatment, i was on the scarborough train - on friday i was travelling to huddersfield to see tom, i was on the scarborough train, however, my chosen destination was 2 more stops down the line. it was weird to think that once i was dreading getting that train but that day i was so excited, texting tom to say where i was and how many more stops i had left to go - i was more excited knowing that i was not getting off at manchester to be fed and feel like crap and quickly return to my anorexic and chid like ways as soon as i left the building but to see my boyfriend! something which i never thought would happen! i believed after years of being told that the only close relationship i would have was with my illness - THANK GOD i never let that happen.

...

although yes i still do have some type of weird relationship still with my anorexia it still at times likes to control me i can stop it before it comes out of hand. i finished reading nikki graham's biography on thursday and i have to agree with her on many points. i do believe that you may be born with brain chemicals which may lead you down to the path on anorexia and it never really goes but you just learn to control it, like diabities you have to inject so keep you going and blood sugars at the same level etc and the same with anorexia - if i don't eat my blood sugar drops i faint. i think my anorexia came at the right time although i missed out on a lot of my teenage life, in fact all of it, i'm at an age where i can make friends and learn who i need and don't in my life. i've realised that education although important you don't have to go up in the stages in which are set, i missed out on college and just gone back, i've decided to leave uni on hold, many people believe that once college is over you go to uni well no actually you don't, i want to live my life before i embark on more education more stress in life and a stupid amount of debt. i need some life skills, social skills, as i lack a lot of them!

i realised last night that i really need to start gaining some social skills although i'm confident on getting up talking to people about my life controlled by my anorexia and i'm confident in that aspect, actually going out into town scares the hell out of me! busy buses busy places and a freak i can feel my heart going faster. this explains why i don't spend much time in college other than my lessons, as there is just too many people there, i'm having my anxiety tablets just to keep me there, but i would happily just run from the building at times and not look back.

if i get drunk i can bring myself to talk to people randomly but it's still really hard i know its what i should be doing but it's nice having tom with me to introduce me as it makes things so much easier, he actually is a babe just like his facebook raping status for me said!!!!!!

so huddersfield ..... one word AMAZING!!!!!!! i actually spent nights away from home in a different part of the country with a boy! hahaha!!! i didn't have to find myself making excuses to get away i was relaxed and enjoyed every bloody minute, even the cleaning in the morning to make sure he got to weird diseases from a unclean bathroom!!!!!

my life is for once going well, i'm taking things as they come but still trying to stick to some sort of routine to get me through the day, i feel really lucky at the moment to have such lovely people in my life, especially tom. normally when life is going well i get scared as i'm expecting something to go wrong and thats it i'm back to square one but i actually believe that for once things might last =] i'm more hopeful and more willing to start to accept change, its going to be hard, not just for me but the people around me - i'm moving on with my life trying to leave my anorexia in the background forever, i know it may creep up on me but thats understandable after the crap which has been placed on me but i'm willing to accept that is normally and it's okay to have bad days and want to stay in the house and not leave as there is always going to be a new day ahead and that bad one will be forgotten about.

i'm taking life as it comes now, i've got to or i will once again end up loosing it - but i've got my list of people who will prop me up and drag me along until i'm able to take my own weight once again!!

times are changing and for once for the better, i'm liking it and accepting that for once there may be bright things a head for me =]

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