coversations in corridors .....

Tuesday 21st September 2010

4:47pm

*JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG MIGHT BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE BLOGS WHICH HAS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO RAISE AWARENESS AND PROVE WHY THIS IS 'My Journey Back to Life' ......... *

walking round the corridors of sankey, you tune into coversations when key words are mentioned - today the key word which hit me and got me thinking was suicide with young people. whether these yr 11s knew someone young who had tried i do not know or if they had had a lesson talking about it - but they questioned why a 15 yr old would want to end their life if they'd only been alive 'a few years' ... it did get me thinking about my attempts in which i very nearly suceeded.

i'm not afraid of admitting it, i've taken a few but it how your mind works and functions. For me i'd enough of the voices in my head telling what i could and couldn't eat and i was sick of having to have set routines and rely on medication to keep me 'stable' it didn't ... my medication had the massive side effect of causing more depression - nice hey!!

it doesn't matter how long a person has been a live its mental health, the brain is a weird thing and can cause so much damage. I don't really remember the last two attemps i just knew it was something in which i had to do, i couldn't hurt my family and more and i couldn't cope with life - i basically couldn't cope with my anorexia my depression and my explosive moods.

mental health is a scary thing for a lot of people not just to have but many people who don't even suffer from mental health problems are scared of those with it! I'm not a psycho manic killer i'm classed as a vunerable person, like the stamp out stigma campaign says "sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will often hurt me ... " it's true depending on what contexts words are said to me i can take it but when it's used to insult my disability and way of life it bloody hurts.

i didn't ask to have a mental health issue, i didn't tell my brain to become untrustworthy and to make me take a moutain of tablets, to allow the anorexia to try and kill me and seperate me from my family. no matter how hard i tried to fight i was always drawn back, not just within weeks but within days hours of been home and discharged from hospital, it's a crazy life, i don't want to go back there but it's a strange safety net knowing i'm controlling all my food intake, but in the end it's my anorexia which is controlling my intake.

my anorexia led me to take my overdoses, some people are unlucky and get servely bullied but it normally stems from something - debt, family problems etc. the world is scary and so is feeling alone and not having people to talk to about things, i had the most loving people to support me and even then i felt alone and unable to cope properly

i still have anorexia - i'm not recovered i'm in RECOVERY, so when people are like when you were ill i feel like screaming i still am bloody ill i'm just able to control it alot better, i don't want people to think i'm better if i have a freak out and be like but she should be fine etc etc, i don't want to go back to to where i was but i don't want to stay were i am, i have a long way to go and for once i'm using my support properly!!!!

i still have to block out conversations i hear in lessons about weight and diets and i do the same in work, i don't stop people from talking about them i just try very hard not to get involved and mixed up within the world of diets and weight loss, and oooh my friend has lost half a stone within a few weeks, ooh well done to you but to me it sets of the little bells in my head of you need to loose that plus more in a week, i've done it before i will do it again and it pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!

my life is on the up i could write a massive list of people who are helping me to be honest i think they know who they are, even this year a certain family have changed my life completly - i can see a positive out look on life and i'm seeing the things i can do!!!!! - i'm actually able to lie on MY sofa and relax watch the telly without having to get up all the time and keep moving about - so i'm guessing thats given more of a clue to the new family i'm talking about!!!!!!

i know this blog might be hard hitting but this is what this blog is meant to be like!! it's the journey back to life, i'll recall past events and see new positive one appear and finally be able to move on - maybe still reliant on anti depressents to keep me on this even keal but i can live with that, as long as i stay well i would take every type of tablet to keep me well =]

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