back to college = final year at sankey!

monday 13th september 2010

5:27pm

college today was sligtly strange, going back knowing that in May I would be leaving education for a while to find my life and realise what i actually want to do with it! I know i want to help others but how that is the obsticle. I want a couple of years out to get my head together and concentrate on me for a bit - remember what a lie in feels like and what it's like to go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up late afternoon - a normal thing to do!!

so college went okay i suppose i stupidly got myself worked up before and had a panic attack, i suppose i was expecting the worse as always but i managed to do 3hrs of lessons without any major problems just a slight strop with stubbs as was annoyed with a certain person, but i lightened up her day apparently and she'd missed me laughing at myself for all my stupid comments, something which the Horton's have been able to take advantage of over the holidays.

when i left college i realised i had something to be proud off, when i was panicing last night i would have normally resorted to S.H i'm not going to lie as at times yes okay i do it but for a month and a bit i've been able to distract myself so tom last night was my distraction until i managed to fall asleep ... bless!!!

after college we went to see tom's nanna (great gran) it was actually hard for me to be honest, when my GG sadly past away the other year it hit me hard, but been able to speak to his nanna was actually lovely, i know she's poorly but just to be able to visit her made me realise how precious visits are to people whether they remember them or not for half an hour we made her smile. when she squeezed my hand i got goosebumps as it felt like my GG's squeeze i just wanted to cry it was so nice been able to be in her company. when we sat in the car on the way home i held my cross remembering my great gran and how much i do actually miss her so i determined to get my ass in gear finish college and get myself a life a proper one without anorexia!

tomorrow i'm in college again it's going to be weird once again but if i want to prove 'professionals' wrong and a few other certain people then i need to complete it without or with as little mistakes as possible - i have for once actually got to much to lose and i refuse to let my mental health issues and small minded people to get in my way to make me not want to carry on with college and to make me feel as though i'm no use to anyone!

i deserve a life and i want to live it .....

x x x x x x x