... This Morning ...

Wednesday 29th September 2010

6:12pm

What an eventful day!! As you all know due to my many status updates throughout the day expressing how i was going to pooh my pants etc while at the ITV studios!!

Really I have to thank Laura for recommending me to ITV to go on the show, it's the one thing i've wanted to do and I did it my way! I travelled down to London at half 7 last night and was put up in a nice posh hotel where i managed to just about have a few hours sleep before giving up shoving on my music and dancing round to it in my room, acting like an excited 4 yr old at Christmas!!

I was picked up from Euston Station at 9:30pm and arrived at the hotel at about 9:40pm, had to sign a few things then potted up stairs and sorted out my stuff. At 11:30pm I was still exhanging emails with people and was told i should go to sleep but i was way to excited! So was up and down all night, then at 3:00am decided to send an email to Bury telling them to have the TV at the ready as the most compliant patient they ever had was on the telly =p i did actually go to sleep then and at 7:00am had a boling hot shower and turned into a lobster, expressing my concern to AMy on Facebook that I was going to look bright red on the T.V nightmare, luckily i was just slightly over reacting and nothing more! =p I went through all the random posts to me on facebook including licking Philip Schofields Face, and god knows what else, they decided i would venture down to the 'dining quarters' to see what they were going to offer me!!

The night before i had a conversation with beany and jayne promising i would eat, as i hate breakfast its the worst meal of the day for me and then the same conversation with my mother the following morning!!

So i go down greeted my the snottist waitress who insisted i was in the wrong room and decided instead of having a bowl of fruit to actually make the most of my stay a big breakfast, vegetarian style!!!! i think her face dropped but i couldn't actually care, for once that food actually tasted good, yes i am saying that you do not have to re-read that last statment!!

After my munch i went back upstairs and caught back up with the facebook i had missed and watched a bit of day break to get in the feel of things knowig i would be on that channel within a couple of hours sounding off about how crap having anorexia is!!!!!!!!

so at 8:55am I was picked up in a blacked out car, so i felt well important!! and dropped off at ITV, i couldn't bring myself to sit down it was weird i think my anorexia slipped back to say hello before i went on air, well i'm glad it did it then and not while i was in the studio standing up looking like a right idiot!!!!

When I arrived, I was off to have my hair and makeup done and felt all privilaged when Matt Willis walked in, i was like OMG its the Busted dude, yes i know but thats really how most of us will remember him truthfully so why lie and hide the fact i'm right!!!! =p

I was waiting round the studios in the Green Room, which me being me yes I expected the thing to be green or at least have green in it but nope ooh well!! At 11:25 while the rest of the country were watching the news I was introduced to Philip and Holly, it was so weird actually seeing them, Philip was a complete babe and I was actually really contemplating licking his face but i didn't think it would go down to well plus he had shit loads of make up on!! for professional purposes he's not a drag queen!!

So this was it my time to shine, they spoke to the other two people at first at this 'expert' really did pee me off which apparently was telling because of my facial expressions of you have no idea what you are talking about, so evetually after her talking some crap about how young people get eating disorders and was like erm no sugar older women can get them too!! okay i didn't call her sugar but it would have been worth it to see her face!!! then she kept saying anorexia was a disease, anyone who knows me knows not to say anorexia is a disease it's not it's an illness, it's an illness, so that really did get to me, i thought if she was an expert why the ill is she saying its a disease!!?? but hey ho never mind thats how some people take it.

I didn't know that they showed pictures of me ill while i was being interviewed so watching it back was a shock and i'm so glad i'm not in that place anymore but pulling myself out to get my life back on track!! so after more hugs and kisses and was back off to Euston Station, in my blacked out car!! i felt like the queen all i needed was a white glove and the window down a bit so i could wave!!!

so i pottered round Euston amusing myself in shops and ended up buying a new top from fat face, yes apt i know considering that i was just having a conversation about body image ooh well i had to amuse my self, the jourey to london was too amusing with the toilet paper lady!! =p

on the train back i was all tired out, i managed to get changed in the loos at the station, classy i know, back to been a proper warringtonian!! lol and was finally not freezing my ass off with my skirt!!

again more emailing was done, i slept, ipod went in and was texting people yay fun!!

i'm actually glad i've done what i've done today, i know some people don't agree with anorexia been disgused but it happens and needs to be spoken out and as soon as to be honest. I'm hoping you who did see it and thought i was just doing it for whatever reason and attention seeking etc realise how much shit i was actually in, this illness very nearly killed me, I want all of you to realise that I didn't choose to be anorexic, it was sadly a loosing battle for a time while i was weak. Lots of hurtful things were said about me and to me while i was so ill, thankfully some people have had the balls to apoligise to me which was one of the nicest things, but i'm stronger now i take things on the chin and work with it, i get help and try not to deprive myself of food.

my life is finally worth living and i wouldn't choose to go backwards, if it happens then i have to accept it but i'm going to try dam hard not to let it, and so will my family and friends. I have lots of lovely people around me at the moment and these are the people i want a need in my life!!

so thanks mum, dad, phillip, nan, tom, jayne, beany, wdp, college and christ knows who else for making the person i am writing this, having the strength to be able to be truthful work though the shit days ... I may be a pain at times but i'm a complex person remember so my little paddies aren't attention seeking it's because i'm frustrated need carming down and a hug.

Love you all

x x x x x x x

thinking back!

tuesday 28th september 2010

09:35am

a year ago i was starting to settle back into college realising that this was now my life for the next couple of years, just plodding about taking my second chance how i should do. I was lucky to be in the position to be allowed back into college. i hadn't exactly been the easiest student to deal with my first time round in college, i was to ill to even bring myself to do much, i was more fixated on my anorexia and OCD, getting work done although not actually learning anything. College was a reason to spend as much time away from units and not eat.

i now know that college is not just my life for the next few months, i have much more to offer and have the strength to help other people. i comes to something when you say "i love work" i do, i love the fact that i'm able to help raise awareness and do something useful out of the shit position i am in.

Last night, i managed to tell mum the desire to lose weight had started to come back, i wasn't happy with myself and hated how i looked and felt. As i was saying it i could hear myself say what the hell am i doing!! i do not want to slip back - last year I was gaining weigh just to make a point to social services and the mental health teams i was fine and could cope, little did i know gaining the weight so quickly threw me back and by christmas i was back to a unsatisfactory weight, not dangerous just meant my BMI (body mass index) was not where it should have been in order for me to function correctly, i put myself back in services and it helped sort out my medication, thankfully i didn't have to step foot back into any units just keep myself on track to ensure i could look after myself.

we have the positive action awards with Warrington Disability Partnership on Thursday and I have a feeling this is another reason why my heart is pumping as it's the first actual nice dress for a proper evening thing I will have since i've been in recovery. My prom dress for yr 11 hung off me even while i was stuck into it with tit tape and chicken fillets to make my anorexic frame look a bit more perk! and the beautiful brown dress i had for jane and justin's wedding, which again hung off me, i suppose i'm thinking that is how i should look, skeletal as people always remember me for that. when someone says oh yeah i know the name, it's like me in panic mode as they know my history, the last few years at sankey i was ooh rachael johnston the anorexic one - however, i didnt complain that is what i was and i strived to be the best. i put up with disgusted looks in town or when i was out, they were just jealous of my skeletal frame, but at times i felt that they were staring because i was extremly fat and were horrified that i would show my face.

abuse in the street did hurt but i have the confidence to turn round and give as much as i get, at one point i did hand out a stamp out stigma leaflet i was so pissed off i didn't have to say anything they just looked shocked!! what they did with that leaflet i will not know, but i'm hoping that are now one of the signitures for the campaign!

the past few days getting used to my medication increase has been weird, i've noticed i've felt more tired but it's helped as well as i'm able to sleep a bit better and i'm more awake then.

watching people in college turn 18 is really hard, i missed most of it infact all of it with my original year, connie parties etc you name it i missed it =[ i was more preoccupied with my anorexic voice. I feel like i've missed out but i'm getting past it, i'm gettin to watch people leave their teens and enter the next stage of the big 2 0 !!!!

it feels weird knowing that these are my last few months at sankey but it's good as well, i can leave my memories there with my illness sealed up in a box and be able to walk away - when i walk past the food tech rooms i still get the sick feeling in my stomach and see myself faint outside not knowing this would be the point were people would realise how ill i actually was and how little i was actually eating. sankey did help me but i also associate it alot with my eating disorder, i still struggle a lot to eat there, maybe it was due to how much attention my E.D drew to me, i was watched round school and still feel like at times someone is still there - yes i know it was for my own good i'm not slagging them off but i think at times the attention fed my anorexia to be more cunning and able to get away with more.

i appreciate Karen so much for helping pulling me through, i dont think i would have turned up to school some days but knew i could go to her for anything =] hospital visits were lovely from her and letters although at times my anorexia hated her (not me) for making me eat or giving me the lecture of rachael you look ill what have you eaten today - i think she's seen me cry more than anyone during my frustration and not being able to understand what the hell was happening to me. my life was falling apart and fading away but for some reason i didn't care. everytime i was asked about my eating i'd put the guards up not telling anyone anything, my butties were nicely in the bin and my other bits and bobs were in someone else, the day the form found out i was offically in hospital with anorexia was heartbreaking although i knew they sort of already knew for them to be told was like i wouldn't get away with anything. while i was screaming at warrington about how staff wanted me fat, my friends at school were asking about my progress and still able to get on with there school work! i was bed bound and had limited use of doing anything! i had gone from going on massive walks at lunch time at school and god knows how many sit ups at home to just lying there, although through my tears karen still helped pull me through and helped me be able to sit my GCSEs =]

i hope for once my life is going well even for a bit i'm taking everything as it comes and clinging on to the hope that my anorexia might be fading away into the background and just popping out to see if it can trick me into returning to its web!

x x x x x x x x

how times change ...

sunday 26th september 2010

10:36am

i realised on friday as i travelled up to huddersfield how different my life had change over the past couple of years!

the other year i would get the 7:44 train to manchester piccadilly to which i would arrive at the priory in bury about 2 hours later for my day care treatment, i was on the scarborough train - on friday i was travelling to huddersfield to see tom, i was on the scarborough train, however, my chosen destination was 2 more stops down the line. it was weird to think that once i was dreading getting that train but that day i was so excited, texting tom to say where i was and how many more stops i had left to go - i was more excited knowing that i was not getting off at manchester to be fed and feel like crap and quickly return to my anorexic and chid like ways as soon as i left the building but to see my boyfriend! something which i never thought would happen! i believed after years of being told that the only close relationship i would have was with my illness - THANK GOD i never let that happen.

...

although yes i still do have some type of weird relationship still with my anorexia it still at times likes to control me i can stop it before it comes out of hand. i finished reading nikki graham's biography on thursday and i have to agree with her on many points. i do believe that you may be born with brain chemicals which may lead you down to the path on anorexia and it never really goes but you just learn to control it, like diabities you have to inject so keep you going and blood sugars at the same level etc and the same with anorexia - if i don't eat my blood sugar drops i faint. i think my anorexia came at the right time although i missed out on a lot of my teenage life, in fact all of it, i'm at an age where i can make friends and learn who i need and don't in my life. i've realised that education although important you don't have to go up in the stages in which are set, i missed out on college and just gone back, i've decided to leave uni on hold, many people believe that once college is over you go to uni well no actually you don't, i want to live my life before i embark on more education more stress in life and a stupid amount of debt. i need some life skills, social skills, as i lack a lot of them!

i realised last night that i really need to start gaining some social skills although i'm confident on getting up talking to people about my life controlled by my anorexia and i'm confident in that aspect, actually going out into town scares the hell out of me! busy buses busy places and a freak i can feel my heart going faster. this explains why i don't spend much time in college other than my lessons, as there is just too many people there, i'm having my anxiety tablets just to keep me there, but i would happily just run from the building at times and not look back.

if i get drunk i can bring myself to talk to people randomly but it's still really hard i know its what i should be doing but it's nice having tom with me to introduce me as it makes things so much easier, he actually is a babe just like his facebook raping status for me said!!!!!!

so huddersfield ..... one word AMAZING!!!!!!! i actually spent nights away from home in a different part of the country with a boy! hahaha!!! i didn't have to find myself making excuses to get away i was relaxed and enjoyed every bloody minute, even the cleaning in the morning to make sure he got to weird diseases from a unclean bathroom!!!!!

my life is for once going well, i'm taking things as they come but still trying to stick to some sort of routine to get me through the day, i feel really lucky at the moment to have such lovely people in my life, especially tom. normally when life is going well i get scared as i'm expecting something to go wrong and thats it i'm back to square one but i actually believe that for once things might last =] i'm more hopeful and more willing to start to accept change, its going to be hard, not just for me but the people around me - i'm moving on with my life trying to leave my anorexia in the background forever, i know it may creep up on me but thats understandable after the crap which has been placed on me but i'm willing to accept that is normally and it's okay to have bad days and want to stay in the house and not leave as there is always going to be a new day ahead and that bad one will be forgotten about.

i'm taking life as it comes now, i've got to or i will once again end up loosing it - but i've got my list of people who will prop me up and drag me along until i'm able to take my own weight once again!!

times are changing and for once for the better, i'm liking it and accepting that for once there may be bright things a head for me =]

x x x x x x x x x x x

coversations in corridors .....

Tuesday 21st September 2010

4:47pm

*JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THIS BLOG MIGHT BE UPSETTING TO SOME PEOPLE BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE BLOGS WHICH HAS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO RAISE AWARENESS AND PROVE WHY THIS IS 'My Journey Back to Life' ......... *

walking round the corridors of sankey, you tune into coversations when key words are mentioned - today the key word which hit me and got me thinking was suicide with young people. whether these yr 11s knew someone young who had tried i do not know or if they had had a lesson talking about it - but they questioned why a 15 yr old would want to end their life if they'd only been alive 'a few years' ... it did get me thinking about my attempts in which i very nearly suceeded.

i'm not afraid of admitting it, i've taken a few but it how your mind works and functions. For me i'd enough of the voices in my head telling what i could and couldn't eat and i was sick of having to have set routines and rely on medication to keep me 'stable' it didn't ... my medication had the massive side effect of causing more depression - nice hey!!

it doesn't matter how long a person has been a live its mental health, the brain is a weird thing and can cause so much damage. I don't really remember the last two attemps i just knew it was something in which i had to do, i couldn't hurt my family and more and i couldn't cope with life - i basically couldn't cope with my anorexia my depression and my explosive moods.

mental health is a scary thing for a lot of people not just to have but many people who don't even suffer from mental health problems are scared of those with it! I'm not a psycho manic killer i'm classed as a vunerable person, like the stamp out stigma campaign says "sticks and stones may break my bones - but words will often hurt me ... " it's true depending on what contexts words are said to me i can take it but when it's used to insult my disability and way of life it bloody hurts.

i didn't ask to have a mental health issue, i didn't tell my brain to become untrustworthy and to make me take a moutain of tablets, to allow the anorexia to try and kill me and seperate me from my family. no matter how hard i tried to fight i was always drawn back, not just within weeks but within days hours of been home and discharged from hospital, it's a crazy life, i don't want to go back there but it's a strange safety net knowing i'm controlling all my food intake, but in the end it's my anorexia which is controlling my intake.

my anorexia led me to take my overdoses, some people are unlucky and get servely bullied but it normally stems from something - debt, family problems etc. the world is scary and so is feeling alone and not having people to talk to about things, i had the most loving people to support me and even then i felt alone and unable to cope properly

i still have anorexia - i'm not recovered i'm in RECOVERY, so when people are like when you were ill i feel like screaming i still am bloody ill i'm just able to control it alot better, i don't want people to think i'm better if i have a freak out and be like but she should be fine etc etc, i don't want to go back to to where i was but i don't want to stay were i am, i have a long way to go and for once i'm using my support properly!!!!

i still have to block out conversations i hear in lessons about weight and diets and i do the same in work, i don't stop people from talking about them i just try very hard not to get involved and mixed up within the world of diets and weight loss, and oooh my friend has lost half a stone within a few weeks, ooh well done to you but to me it sets of the little bells in my head of you need to loose that plus more in a week, i've done it before i will do it again and it pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!

my life is on the up i could write a massive list of people who are helping me to be honest i think they know who they are, even this year a certain family have changed my life completly - i can see a positive out look on life and i'm seeing the things i can do!!!!! - i'm actually able to lie on MY sofa and relax watch the telly without having to get up all the time and keep moving about - so i'm guessing thats given more of a clue to the new family i'm talking about!!!!!!

i know this blog might be hard hitting but this is what this blog is meant to be like!! it's the journey back to life, i'll recall past events and see new positive one appear and finally be able to move on - maybe still reliant on anti depressents to keep me on this even keal but i can live with that, as long as i stay well i would take every type of tablet to keep me well =]

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

facing up to things ...

monday 20th september 2010

6:56pm

walking round asda before with mum i realised how far i had come but still how far i have to go! mum decided that i deserved a 'special' tea as i'd had a down day and night. loads of things have been happening and i feel like things were going out of contol, my life over the summer had been like a dream - for once my life was going well. i had everything i wanted and more ... much more.

a special tea for me was once like a 100 calorie meal, but tonight was one of my favourites - enough calories to feed an army! haha - reminded me of a priory meal to be perfectly honest. things were a stressful and it finally hit a climax last night, with me unable to sleep cope and ended up in an episode of my falling back into a stupid habit!!

i wake up this morning with last night running through my head, more worried about how tom would take the news than anyone else. i'd promised not to SH and to ring him but i could on justify with it being 2am in the morning my head been a total mess and him being asleep getting ready to start uni - at the time it seemed logical, when i spoke to him it was the one thing i wish i'd have done but you never know how people will react to situations especailly a person who you have only been dating nearly two months - i'm not used to people actually trying to understand just a mouthful of abuse and a massive telling off!!

...

this time i was greeted with a small lecture from tom, he was annoyed i don't blame him, i was so upset with myself and went through the conversation i would have with him to his tshirt which is round my pillow - sad yes but it helped but all i could see was the look of his upset that i didn't ring - but he was lovely although i did panic and send omg email to jayne with i've wrecked everything but i was okay eventually, i managed to finish my routine of the day with work by saying bye to jayne =] at first when i first layed eyes on tom it was because i knew he would be in there (no offence jayne) but now i do it because i want to and makes me feel good being able to leave with a bit of banter to get me on the bus home or to endure the journey back to hers with tom's terrible choice in music! hahhaaha!!!! so i had my pep talk with jayne who told me not to worry its an 'education' process for everyone, also me as i'm used to people just taking yes rachael is slightly strange she self harms doesn't eat and is depressing but in work its a concern. i spoke to mum about my night before she had guessed that something was wrong with me but i shrugged it off and said i was fine - i wasnt but as always the anorexic liar came out and the fake stupid smile came out too!! but mum was fine looked at my arm and just looked at me hugged me and said it's not bad but please stop, talk to someone before you result to that. she knows its the last thing i do and one thing which has actually improved and i'm proud i have as its one thing i hate, i can cope with the weight loss/anorexia etc but the S.H i just cant handle.

i looked at facebook before and was actually presented with a smile, i normally dred facebook, but when you see you have made someones year because you have made their son happy =] it really did actually make me smile - but this then led to some really mushy texts but of course the normal abuse will continue i'm sure!!! =p

this blog has taken me sooo long tonight!!! been doing other things do including my b-eat mentoring which is really interesting =]

walking round asda is weird i feel sick i worry that people will think the food i carry is for me and me only or if i'm walking round with a hell of a lot of 'junk food' i am having some sort of binge but i know it's okay - i go on a mission to avoid as many people as possible which is not normal but food shopping is a pain, trying hard not to look at the packaging but i sometimes manage with sweaty hands and looking all scared and timid over a loaf of bread - but it's something i have to do!!!

well i better be off now truthfully but will most probably have more to say sometime this week - something exciting will probably happen in the life of rachael johnston!!!!!!!!!

x x x x x x

hurray jayne has her voice back =]

sunday 19th september 2010

08:05am

wanting to move on is easy, actually doing it is bloody hard!! i should know, i'm there. i'm living it on a daily basis!!

firstly let me congratulate jayne getting her voice back =] it was actually weird listening to her talk properly =] although really freaky especially when you speak to her on the phone scared the hell out of me - poor beany though all your peace and quiet will be gone completly ... you got rid of me for a few days and now jayne has her voice back - singing round the house and shouting to do some housework .... have fun =p x x x x

as i mentioned on a earlier blog i started yr 13 (again) in college on monday, while i'm reflecting on it being monday tomorrow i'm back in the position i was in last sunday - not wanting to go in - for some reason the determination i once had for college has gone - i'm completing it though as if i don't i know i'll kick myself forever for not doing it. It annoyed me a lot then when i first did yr 12 in 2007 there was this big buz of these passes etc to get us round college etc etc we never got them they just were spoken about, but then i turn up to start yr 13 in 2010 and what is there the bloddy lanyards and a temp pass to show that we're a student at BHC. to me this was a massive kick in the face it reminded me that i was STILL a bloody student there, with that it stays in my bag - i do not want a pass anymore and i do not want my bloody horrible picture on it either - i'm not thinking it's because it's like embarrising - i see it more from an anorexic point of view!! i look fat on it and my parents have never seen my college photo so i'm not allowing the rest of sankey to have to 'privilage' to glare at my badge. i've been at that place for 9 yrs if staff dnt know who i am by now then something is seriously wrong!!! i've been spoken about in the staff room with my countless admissions due to my anorexia and also depression - especially the overdoses last year in which very nearly did end my life - this was my intention to end it all i wasn't doing it as a cry for help whatever the press says about young girls and sucidie attempts but i'm GLAD and HAPPY that i didn't succeed, i was in a very dark and horrible place and i'm glad i'm not there anymore as much as i was just a day every few months but i get out of it =]

so wednesday, i waved tom off at the station - it was horrible, i cried as the train left which resulted in a hug from the ticket station man - who had recoginsed me from the paper later on and i was reasurred things would be okay and my 'fella' would be back plus i'd be able to see him - bless him!!! so thats what happened on saturday!!!!! well yesterday!! because friday i was in glasgow with work at an intouch event - sex and disability, with my nice way of putting it across while in the training that everyone is 'gagging' for sex disabled or not the health professional next to me looked less than impressed but i'm 19 and a YA i'm not exactly representing young people if i talk like a 60 yr old - i even agreed that if you want a prostitute that you should be able to have one, after all drugs are illeagal and people still do it!! very professional i know maybe not but i'm young i have my opinion and after all i was asked to be a representation for young people by WDP and DT himself!! atm i think they might be changing their minds with my loud voice taking over the office and being to assertive lol oooh well =] got to be done!!! - like i was saying saturday i got the train to huddersfield met up with the Horton Clan and finally got to see tom - my week was finally worth it and i could actually smell him and not just the tshirt on my pillow hahahaha .... don't ask but i love smells - nice ones not the horrible ones which tom and beanny decide to do while i'm sat with them!!!!!! =p it was such a lovely day though i really enjoyed it, getting out and about instead of my old saturday of sitting in moping about and feeling sorry for myself!!

... we (jayne and me) met some of tom's flatmates who now propably think we're really weird as we cleaned the kitchen!! it was a state and needed doing, so while we were laughed at we cleaned up and prevented those students from getting some weird disease!!!!!

life is getting better, i'm letting more people into my life, i'm starting to trust a few more people who i can eat with but still it takes time and is hard. i'm still terrified of cameras at meal times and i still have foods which i can't bring my self to eat. i'm gettin to where i want to be slowly but surly and for once i have a boyfriend who sees me for me, not as an object. yesterday i appreciated the time i had with tom and i was dying for it not to end, although i could have stayed last night it's his time to settle into uni make more new friends and get to know where he is. basically i trust him more than anyone - i can eat a proper meal with him, eat crappy junk food, fall asleep and just cry when i need to or my head is driving me mad. for once i'm believing i have things to live for - last night with jayne was really nice we had tea and cringed at the X factor commenting on exactly the same things - the lamp shade skirt / the look a likes of JLO and the cute gay bloke off glee and the random outfits people chose to wear and both wondered why someone would let their loved one make a tit of themselves infront of so many people!!!! its madness although i personally believe wdp should go on britains got talent and do the 'thumb dance' from dad day with our groovy picture lols!!!!!!!!

i think i've rambled on enough this morning!!!!!

love n hugs

x x x x x x x

back to college = final year at sankey!

monday 13th september 2010

5:27pm

college today was sligtly strange, going back knowing that in May I would be leaving education for a while to find my life and realise what i actually want to do with it! I know i want to help others but how that is the obsticle. I want a couple of years out to get my head together and concentrate on me for a bit - remember what a lie in feels like and what it's like to go to bed at 3 in the morning and wake up late afternoon - a normal thing to do!!

so college went okay i suppose i stupidly got myself worked up before and had a panic attack, i suppose i was expecting the worse as always but i managed to do 3hrs of lessons without any major problems just a slight strop with stubbs as was annoyed with a certain person, but i lightened up her day apparently and she'd missed me laughing at myself for all my stupid comments, something which the Horton's have been able to take advantage of over the holidays.

when i left college i realised i had something to be proud off, when i was panicing last night i would have normally resorted to S.H i'm not going to lie as at times yes okay i do it but for a month and a bit i've been able to distract myself so tom last night was my distraction until i managed to fall asleep ... bless!!!

after college we went to see tom's nanna (great gran) it was actually hard for me to be honest, when my GG sadly past away the other year it hit me hard, but been able to speak to his nanna was actually lovely, i know she's poorly but just to be able to visit her made me realise how precious visits are to people whether they remember them or not for half an hour we made her smile. when she squeezed my hand i got goosebumps as it felt like my GG's squeeze i just wanted to cry it was so nice been able to be in her company. when we sat in the car on the way home i held my cross remembering my great gran and how much i do actually miss her so i determined to get my ass in gear finish college and get myself a life a proper one without anorexia!

tomorrow i'm in college again it's going to be weird once again but if i want to prove 'professionals' wrong and a few other certain people then i need to complete it without or with as little mistakes as possible - i have for once actually got to much to lose and i refuse to let my mental health issues and small minded people to get in my way to make me not want to carry on with college and to make me feel as though i'm no use to anyone!

i deserve a life and i want to live it .....

x x x x x x x

life moves on ...

thursday 9th september

11:49pm

watching nikki tonight in the big brother house i couldn't help put get emotional, she was so inspirational and i felt as though i was sat there watching myself express how i feel about this illness as she said "i know i've gained weight, i hate it but i know it needs to be done and i'm proud of myself" i've said before i once looked at nikki as one of my idols to carry on not to eat she understood me in a way which no one else ever would, she understood why the thought of having food made me feel repulsed and wanted to scream at everyone so loudly for trying to eat.

it really did move me though watching her get frustrated with the anorexia and not the anorexia getting frustraed at her was exactly how i feel now about mine. more so now since my back has started to play up and once again i missed going to planet blue to help out for wdp, but i know it would have done me no good and i would have ended up collapsing in agony, so i was once listening to my body and realsing that i needed to rest...

so tonight i spent cuddled up with tom while my leg twitched like mad for a bit and we just chatted it was nice, so normal what someone my age should be doing and what i should have been doing for the past few years ive been posessed by this shitty thing!!

nikki mentioned that bb has helped her alot how she described that one life changing experience for being in the house reminded me of what WDP have done for me recently. i eat at a round table and for once i make an effort to socialise ...

for once i like me ...

thank god!!!

xxxxxxx

reality kicking me in the back ... !!!

monday 6th september 2010

8:42pm

at half 9 this morning the reality of my anorexia set in - a few years ago i went for a bone scan and it suggested i was at risk of osteoporosis, over the past few days silently i have been once again suffering with my back so this morning i decided to actually make the doctors appointment and for once face reality and see what this illness has actually done to my body!

i was examined and the doctor to be honest looked shocked at how much pain i was actually in - i was honest with what i could do and the fact that the twiches i was having which i thought was just me been weird was actually something serious and i had to watch!! my back is curved so it was decided that i should go to warrington hospital to be checked out properly - to see if more intensive work will have to be done on my back. i was really hoping that i was moving on and i was winning but i feel like the anorexia has won another round and letting me know its still in the background waiting for me to become vunerable so it can get me!

i do blame myself alot for my back problem i was the one who didn't eat i was the one who straved myself to look skeletal and for my periods to stop for about 3 / 4 years and for my bones to weaken and age quicker. i was always told osteoporosis was a risk to me but i decided not to listen, i refuse to allow this to set me back!! i have so much support behind me who are willing me to get through this which i was reminded of today so many times. i did want to cry but i've got to carry on but watching a doctor write on your notes that their concerned was like watching my life just fall apart the questions running round my head the main one would i be able to carry a baby when i was older? the one thing i'm scared of but i want to be my ambission i have allowed my periods to stay in order for me to have a family and i will have to gain weight obviously while i'm pregnant and it's my worst fear but it would scare me even more if i couldn't - life sucks but anoexia sucks more!!

my day was made better when a booked my first visit to a school to do a talk on disabilities, i'm actually looking forward to it - i get to share my opinions to the age group i want to, the ones who we can educate now while they are old enough and are able to realise how the impact of words will affect how a person feels - i still support the stamp out stigma campaign and even more so when things start to crop up in the media world!!

so i sit here wondering about my future wondering if my anorexia has had actually had the last laugh or if i can stand up and once again take out my sword and fight ...

x x x x x x

realisation ...

sunday 5th september 2010
10:15pm

yesterday was my grannynanny's 100th birthday, those who knew me in yr 10 might remember the break down i had when she died, i couldn't cope, i was already starting on the slipperly slope of anorexia but my great gran was one person i could tell things and not be worried that it would go any further. she was the first person to notice i wasn't 'right' i had lost weight far to quickly for her liking and was becoming withdrawn on the visits which i enjoyed so so much and i think she appreciated the fact that i wanted to go there every week, if i couldn't vist i would ring her and have a gab =]

we always laughed at when she would turn 100, she would recieve her telegram from the queen and we would send it back to the sender as she hated them so much!! so with her 100th looming this week i just wanted to be able to have the telegram hold it in my hand and laugh with her! i got up in the morning cried and sang happy birthday! but for once i was not crying because she wasn't here but because i was taking her advice and fighting, i was starting to become happy again and my mood was starting to get better. i knew why, one word Tom! one family wdp, they had taken me on like i was a 'normal' person what ever normal is, but i like the fact i fit in with the team!! i am fighting to help people and trying my best to help fight the prejudice and discrimiation people with disabilities still face and it drives me mad!! so for once i felt like i was making her proud.

i lasted slightly longer at a family party, although i was panicing by the time i left, lots of people food etc and i just look at it looking like a right idiot!!! oooh well, tom was there so it was nice to be able to leave with him and get ready for our trip to huddersfield today =]

sadly jayne was all poorly sick =[ so i had to be stuck with tom's manly habbits all day and use my womanly eye to make sure that his room was up to scratch and we knew which cleaning equipment he would need! lots of photos on facebook as you've seen, and yes my bathroom pictures are there hahaha i have to take photos of loos, i blame my OCD!!

well this time next week i will be getting ready to go back to college, not wanting to at all - i've actually enjoyed my summer and i'm not wanting yr 13 to start i'm rather happy where i am and cba with all the stresses of college!!!!!!

x x x x x x