feeling comfortable =]

Saturday 31st July 2010

07:37am

Last night was a very strange one! For once I felt comfortable with 'strangers' . . . okay yes i know i can't really call them strangers anymore but when you've spent so much time alone and isolated things do seem strange.

so last night i sat at the wdp quiz realising how lucky i was to be out with people, a while ago that would have freaked me out way to much, a lot of people, sitting down for about 3hrs but i actually realised how good it feels to be with people! i would have happily fell asleep on jayne!!

i feel like i have know them for longer it's so weird but i come home smiling whenever i'm with them all, the wdp lot are really like family and i'm the lickle baba!!!! =] way it should be hahaha!!!! it's a job with a difference and i love it.

my achievements last night made me so happy! I managed to sit with ppl who i didn't know but okay are friends with tom & co but still i worry that when i eat and drink the cameras will come out and facebook will be full of pictures with me eating with all the comments which i receieve when i eat when people who just see the stero typical image of anorexia, the people who are unable to see beyond what the media say!!

for once i'm able to be me =] the talkative me is coming back and i like it may annoy some people but five years of silence does something to a person!

x x x x x x x x

cHaNgE . . .

monday 23rd July 2010
6:01pm

Normally change scares the hell out of me, but recently i've come to see that it doesn't need to be all negative - people cope in different ways with it, I don't normally cope well with a change, i realised today that i have actually coped with things changing rather well!!

For once people outside my normal circle are making sure i'm looking after myself, eating, drinking, meds etc - and it's so scaring me the thought of more people taking an interest in what i'm doing or what i'm not doing at times!!

I know she won't mind me saying this but today at work went in with just hoping to eat a bit and be fine, but my darling Lynda came in and was like right i'm off for my lunch - i just smiled and nodded sort of hoping the words of "have you eaten?" wouldn't come out, but they did, normally i would be like argh nnnnooooo why did you have to ask, but this time the fact that people are now taking time to care is soo nice!! okay i probs didn't have a proper lunch but i sat in the canteen and had something - okay i could tell people were thinking that really isn't enough but for the time it was just enough for me to deal with and move on, knowing i could go back later on and get something else if i needed to!!

My 'normal' desk, which really isn't mine anyway but has been my place for the past month has now been moved =[ sad times - i was freaking out that things would be all different but it's not it's actually better, i moved my things over today so it wouldn't be strange tomorrow when i went in =] so i finally have a phone with YA and my own extention number,for once change has been good and i like it =] i can still see everyone and be as lovely as ever to people =] it's all good =] so my desk is starting to actually be mine!!

realising i'm going to be 19 has made me realise how much growing up i've done over the past year, i'd only just come out of hospital for my 18th and was still stuck in my little inpatient ways forgetting i was at home, which lots of people dont get, i wasn't used to been in an enviroment with adults if i was it was a caring profession or with other ill people! i may have been classed as an adult in years but i wasn't mentally, my illness is known to make you mentally develop slower but i think in a year i've started to catch up alot =] i still can act immature i'm allowed to! i've got to if i keep treating life so serious i'd be stuck up with no ability to see out side the box, i'm nothing special i'm just an everyday person with some issues, so what!! i accept that and so do most people! no amount of comments from people i know or randomers in the street are going to set me back! i'm not giving people the satisfaction, i'm changing as a person and i'm liking who i'm becoming, for once i'm being the real me - i'm standing up for what i believe in, you realise who you do and do not need along the way!! I've got some new wonderful and inspitational new people in my life and it makes up for the people i've had to let go of.

I'm actually pleased to say i'm starting to feel happy and not just pretending i'm talking to people more about how i feel and it helps, i'm not being looked at like some odd person, i always remember a quote on the telly "just because i'm different doesn't mean i'm not the same" and it's so true! and i'm glad people are realising that yes i may not be the most saine person in the world but lots of people are going through it, i still have emotions i just dont always express them in the right way!! I'm starting to like my me, maybe not the way I look at myself in the mirror but the difference i'm trying to make about raising awareness around disabilities in general! changing one persons life is good enough for me, but changing even more would be better =]

xxxxxxxx

nearly 19 =S . . . .

Friday 23rd July 2010

09:45am

I'm sitting here thinking that in about 2 weeks I shall be 19! but it's the past few months of my last yr that things have really started to make me realise i really do deserve to be doing the things I am. I have gained so much confidence, and have been able to let go.

I think from about May time things really started to pick up, I managed to start getting interest from the WDP reciving the odd phone call to see if i could come down for an informal chat - get to know people who I would have the 'pleasure' of working with!!! haha oj love you all really =p I did a talk for pals to drs and consultants about mental health issues to improve what 'skills' they have already on mental health! i say 'skills' for a number of reasons! They go to uni train, read out of books etc, but where is their personal experience? where is the 1:1 in which they sit down and actually talk to their patient? no tick boxes no pieces of paper just a chat, become someone who the patient can actually be honest with and not just going in talking a pile of crap saying they feel fine when they don't, it's trust they want to get out of hospital and do what they want - there is a difference between informal and 'informal' how? informal you go in, you can walk out whenever, 'informal' basically you're forced in, no section but it's there looming in the background, you try and leave you're on the floor with members of staff telling you basically you have no rights and your now on the joy of a 24hr section until you can be assessed or for a dr to up the anti and place u on a 72hr one . . . . how nice of them!

so in about 2 weeks i shall be celebrating my 19th! such a weird thought! for lots of you it's another birthday for me it means so much more, i was not believed to be at home for birthdays with my habbit of becoming another satistic on the inpatient list or was i ever thought to be alive. i'm actually trying to plan a night out, contemplating a meal out, but the thought is like so hard - work i think are getting used to my weird habbits of unable to just eat something it's picked apart etc etc but i tell myself it will stop, i will be able to just have a meal and not try and work out how many calories i have just had in something which i've considered a challange!

so what's kept me out then? for once i've had things which i've wanted to keep hold of! I've got myself back in college,with one or two little hitches/mistakes whateverbut i'm not going back if i get really ill again. I have finally got to become a b-eat ambassador, people always told me i wouldn't do it, i was to pro ana, no i was just too ill but trips to my new found love on london are keeping me rather happy! the wdp and pals work - finally they have a young person on bored who is going through the system for mental health who is willing to stand up and say something about disabilites from a mental health side! there are lots of older sufferers who are willing to stand up as i keep been told over and over, but one day i will be an 'older' sufferer and want someone who wil turn round and say i may be young but i deserve a chance in life to get good treatment and have hopes and dreams for the future!

my family especially my parents and also my nan =] letting me rant off when my day is too much, my friends =] keeping them going making them realise that things are worth it =] you know who you are =] , my new little matey at work =] Rachael!!! What would I do without you there!!!!! seriously i get the kick up the ass i need when it's food time =p "... erm you're not just having that! ... " but as she says its because she cares, i love all my other buddies there don't get me wrong =p you're all good to have a little dig at, hugs chats etc!! when i won tickets to see Toy Story Three, there was no other option of who to pick =p plus it meant i got on nose round her house =p hahaha =] .. . god i sound sooo cheesy argh well!!! i can't act all hard and scary all the time =p they have all realised not to think my innocent charms are me all over =] for once in work i can be me!! have a little freak out without people thinking why did we ask you do to this role again? having things to hold on to is amazing, a yr out means i want another yr out, small steps and not giant leaps!

college in september is still scaring me the unknown new timetable new routine - think i may just stay at home in bed! jayne what do you think? mwah hahahaha - but work is my litte new routine it lovely to go in and be able to see smiles =] . . . talking of which i better be off and gettin ready the hetic life in which i lead!!!

x x x x x x

Exec Shadowing

Tuesday 20th July 2010
9:08pm

You sit in a court room and see the world totally differently. You hear stories in the news about criminals and just take that side to the story but in a court room you hear the background and actually at times feel sorry for the person in the dock. Their life is pulled apart and it's sad, the fact that everything they say is not good enough, okay maybe at times it's not but the amount of people who walk in and have been offically diagnosed with mental health issues is so upsetting. I was shocked at how they are spoken to by solicitors, words in which if they would get called to described their issues was disgusting!

Yesterday I spent the day as what is known as the 'bubble' they were short staffed so was shoved in at the deep end! HOw I never freaked out from sitting down all day I have know idea! When my break came i literally walked round st helens to stretch my legs! you meet some people who you think omg what have you done, they look so professional but yet alcohol can cause so much trouble, a night out leading to an event which could have been prevented!

Watching a grown man cry and shake is horrible, the sensitive side of me came out and i wanted to run and give the poor thing a hug, tell him things would be okay eventually and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, my professional head came out but yet as a student i was so interested in how the reacted or didn't to when they were given conditions they had to stick to!

tomorrow is my last day there i'm gutted to be honest its a new experience which has left me confused in what to do after uni and how i can use business effectively!

mood wise i'm okish - it's hard not been in college, for most people the summer holidays is the best time 6 weeks off college what could be better! for me this is the worst time for me, trying to fill my days - hopefully things are going to be set in place for the summer and i'm not looking forward to the changes in september, i'll be a yr older, new teachers in some subjects and new timetable having to change my routine AGAIN!!!!

x x x x x

let the good times roll =p

Saturday 17th July 2010

9:27am

the thought of going out for a drink once terroifed me, although it did last night too the sick feeling was not there. i realised looking round while i was drinking how normal it was to be sitting there with a friend and for once enjoying myself and for a couple of hours just been able to relax!

with the people i have met through work i decided that i would love to do something with them all for m birthday so it looks like planning will have to be done to help them celebrate the baby of the groups birthday, well in the office =p for once i was wanting to do something outside of the box with the safety and security of just my family, this year i have friends, it sounds so weird i know but these are people who i have not made through inpatients stays - dont get me wrong my buddies from units are fab and i wouldn't be able to cope without my best friend and dragging each other through!!

i was planning my future with hope and wanting to do it, wanting to be alive and setting my plans out for the future, yes i still want to do business management at uni but i want to use it to be able to set up something of my own to help others, although nothing could beat the work of the WDP it would be nice to transfer the skills i will learn from them and still be able to work with them in the future. when you look round the office and the building you see how much of a difference they are making to peoples lives - you walk into the showroom and see people proud of been able to find something which will make them that little bit more independant, although my role there is only temp i will be working my ass off to ensure that i prove how important having a ya is, someone there to speak for the younger people who are maybe to scared or not know how, how they should but thing across - for once my anorexia and the rest of my issues are doing good and not causing as much pain and suffering to my family, i still get nagged and reminded to eat and concerns over weight or lack of it depending on how you look at it - but now i'm more than just my anorexia for once i'm becoming a new rachael - seeing life is worth living, so like i say . . . let the good times roll!

start of my summer holidays and what a start

Tuesday 13th July 2010

7:03pm

Today it was final, I had completed a year of college my first year in 3 years! How i managed it, i really don't know but i'm glad i've done it.

It may not have ended how i would have liked it, but better than i could have expected - i left wanting to go home and just hurt myself, but my angel at the WDP saved me and allowed to me to go into work and it was the medication i needed! I was greated with smiles, hugs and a comfiting talk which made me realise starting work with the wdp was the best thing to do! I was scared the first time i went to look round have a chat and meet the staff, it's such a blur but now they are like a second family! Adults, adults who understand me it's great and they believe in my smile! (i hope those from work understand that bit!) i feel safe there, something i was scared i would never do with people i didn't know, but i can be me - i can shine and make people see my potential in life!

i will leave my sloppy blog here about my new found love for making a difference and for being wanted because i'm so determined to make a difference - i refuse to allow others to go through the system as badly as i have - i am a worthwhile person as i have been told a million times this afternoon and will mostly probably be told again and again! as much as i wish my illness had not come i'm glad it did as i can stand up and help others who may be to scared to fight

x x x x x

. . . . . . this is it =]

Monday 12th July 2010
8:47pm

About a 2 years ago today i sat in college watching a ucas talk from college, sat there thinking that in a yr i would be in uni able to get on with life with no one making me eat and i could live of nothing just be a student and live off basically my unhealthy obsession to be a perfectionist - i look back now and think what the hell was i playing at there is no way i would have made it through uni life!! I sat in the hall today bored out my skull you would never believe it, i had heard the talk but yet in the back of my head i was reflecting on the pst couple of dangerous years of my life! ucas was a dream i was never believed to have ever have had the chance to get to uni if i was still alive and now i'm sitting there that knowing this time next year i could be on my way i could hopefully be at uni more importantly on a better path of my life! Due to me sitting the rotation classes 2 yrs ago i was able to go home and just reflect on the presentation and the traumatic experience of writing my personal statment! those who know me will know that i have a certain font, size and way of doing things so new roman is a no no plus then having to be given draft after draft back will send me into an OCD perfectionist attack which is why i think the head of college is looking after mine! she can cope with my little paddies unlike some staff who look terrified when i fly off because my work was perfect when i did it and was just so and now it has unneeded bits of work which is in it but it was needed for me!!!

so i think back to what i have done and freak i dart to the college office like some mad ass fly and just flap about how much i haven't done i will be the worst applicant ucas will ever have and no one will ever want a crazy person with my history on their uni campus, i don't think it had helped that i'd annoyed myself over a certain diet suppliment and i realised how much of a crazy ass i was! i suppose my jealousy took over that people do diet and if i even mention the d word i'm screwed but hey there is a way to do it and well i'll stop here as i'll rant like a flipping prat and annoy everyone and myself!

i sit here now more determined to get to uni study business and get to where i want to be in life, teaching other people wheather this is children in schools or adults in a work place making them realise that life is a business and raising awareness is crucial, i hope that my business skills will help me run a successful company making the voices of everyone be heard or helping a business such as the WDP get the credit they deserve! my life is my future and for once i'm dreaming! i refuse to let those who have let me down keep dragging me back, my life is now x x x x x

Disability Awareness Day (D.A.D)

Sunday 11th July 2010

8:19pm

You will have no idea how tired I am, okay some people may! But yet I feel the need t write about today, the day which made me realise how bloody lucky I am to be alive and to be working at the WDP!

i woke up at like half 6 this morning not knowing what to expect from the DAD event! I was expecting stressed members of staff but actually it was nice to see them all smiles and realising that all the hard work had paid off and my happy face had kept them calm =p!

i was a dad volunteer, glad actually i was not a stuard as i think i would have clashed with the yellow jacket! although the radio head set did look rather fetching and i was uber jealous! loving the fact i could go to the event well and appreciate what people actually put into all of this! i was then invited to the v.i.p talk becuase well thats me =p bahahahaha i wish! but yes i got to see everyone again which was so nice =] for the 5bp and try and get as many pens as possible sadly i came out with about 3 ='[ argh well!!!!!!!!

so my articles went up and the stall was set and i floated around all day, to be honest i think i was dominated a bit by my anorexia i couldn't stand still i couldn't sit for longer than like 30 minutes and didn't eat until i thought i was literally going to faint and i saw my mums face when i turned up about half 2 literally white and drawn, the face i remember seeing when i was on bed rest or screaming not to be fed, i do not like that face! staff on the ground knew too! they aint stupid i know but i think you forget that they understand more than most places of work so i felt like eyes were on me, but for a good reason not because they were making bets on how long i would last before i did actually go!!

we did get some stupid comments on the ed stand "do you have info on gastric bands" "do yo think i have an eating disorder?" while some man hit his well over sized stomach which was repied we have a leaflet for over eating "information on IBS?" "i wish i had an eating disorder" NO YOU BLOODY DON'T IT IS NO LIFE AND I HATE ANOREXIA SO MUCH, I WOULD NOT WISH THIS UPON MY WORSE ENEMY BUT STILL ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! then of course the filthy looks when realising i was the girl in the articles as though to say i was disgusting and anorexia was my own fault, erm no i did not ask my head to create a little voice which tells me not to eat and i'm fat! gggrrr!!!!!!

my new little buddy at work Rachael - yes i know confusing but she spells it correctly! was and is so lovely =] then lynda, marie, dom, tom, jayne, dave ... i could go on and on but it was nice to be able to see them doing something which we all have a passion about finally people who understand my reason for gobbing off about disability and making people realise that we are still people! yes i'm anorexic but no i'm not some crazy weirdo girl sadly i'm just ill but hey get used to it! work have and i've been with them for a few weeks! my little weird things at lunch trying my dam best not to have it infront of them all but in the end they're lovely and i can trust them i know and the little chat certain people took the time of telling my mum about "we will make sure she eats" made me laugh this is why i love you all!!

my day was complete when a friend who i have not seen for about 3 years turned up! I don't think i had screamed so loud in all my life, another rachel! but omg it was like a weird reunion jumping up and down in the "mental health" bit so appropriate we looked crazy!! hehehehe!!! argh well!!

today i realised how lucky i am to be where i am today! i have the people in my life who i neeed, i can see a light but yet it does move at times! i am in recovery,yes i am , in recovery but at the beginning i still have times when i want to stand up and scream and not do anything but that but i have to learn to cope!!!

thanks WDP for making me realise i do deserve to wake up in the morning come to work, annoy you all with my crazy ass dancing and drinnk all the diet coke, take over the computer and with my wonderful comments about how much i hate stigma and how much things need to change!!!!!!!!

x x x x x x x x

my day with my bestest friend XD

I sit here reflecting on my day - spending time with Eva, my best friend who I would never have met if it wasn't for this horrid illness. But i have finally got a friend I can trust and who I look up to, who understands what i think, don't get me wrong i do have more amazing friends but Eva and me have know each other for a long time and have kept each other company!At the beginning of the year I was terrified of losing her but she is one strong cookie (sorry about the the pun) but she is and i love the fact like me she is ready for the change and to have a life, She is so determined to reach her dreams and I will back her up a million %!!! she is beautiful and so caring i have no idea who i would be about her - i'm not in love with her honestly i just think a lot of her!

We always talk about our time at the unit and we did have a laugh there we got each other through and made fun out of each other eventually after we got over the i dont think i like you stage! tbh i don't think it was us who disliked each other i think it was more the illness we were competiton for each other but refused to believe it!

after our wine and dine we walked around the trafford centre and i managed to help get eva some leggins with my fabulous fashion sence! XD apparantly i'm her personal shopper always handy with my bags and belts despite the mic which gets taken out of me for it and how serious i am "put a belt with it will really go" =p i didn't here the end of it on her birthday!

i realised how lucky i still am to have her as a friend lots of people you meet at the units are just that people they are your friends for a while you are in there someone to talk then they they go get on with their life and you never know how they are doing - don't get me wrong i'm the same with some people but i always think about them, even the ones who i didn't like! For a while me and eva did lose a bit of contact but i think you realise how important people are when you recieve a random long long long message and realise how much that person does mean to you.

I know some people find it weird that my best friend is someone who also suffers from ana but you know she gets me we are 'normal' people we don't talk about calories, we did yes, but we don't we get on with life with shop we go out, her family even took me away with them and we are going away in august as well! i must be mad =p nar believe me they're not that bad i always feel like part of the family when i'm with them and it's so nice! They have seen my on my journey to where I am now which is good i'm not so weird to them after all they have eva!! =p only joking my dear i love ya really!!! we have realised we can have fun with food we don't have to be serious all the time, hence our flapjack sandwich =p we didn't eat it but it was a joke which came to life after our stay on the unit with the other lovely girlies!! that was a fun day!!

we are weird together lots of people say so but hey we've been though some crap so we deserve to act like immature children when we want to, i think our families have got used to our weirdness! =D

eva has really helped me and i can only thank her, i see her every week more a less i think there has only been like a couple of weekends i've not been able to see her due to me being unable or not been in the best of moods!!!

love you me dear
mucho love your favourite and most tasty cheese pie!!!
x x x x x x x x

looking forward

after driving round warrington this morning during my lesson it made me realise how bloody lucky i was, it was never thought i would be able to actually drive or infact be home properly in warrington, my home, the place which i love - which is so weird as so many people hate living here.

I had to go into town as i needed to get some make up and then some woman got mugged, she got her purse back but it was horrible to watch, i was so scared - i find it hard to go out on my own sometimes as i always think the worse will happen and my fear was coming to life, there was police everywhere and i just cried on the way home i just wanted to get there and feel safe get into my home lock the door and just cry.

coming back up to my room it was weird i have been getting flash backs of the beginning of last year when i tried to end my own life due to the depression and not being able to cope and they have been making me so ill getting into hot swets thinking i'd done it although i knew i hadn't - i was noticing bits of food on the wall from when i was ill i knew i just needed the change i needed to paint my room and make this a fresh start - make my room MINE not my anorexia's, who had turned me back into a young child in need to have a pink bedroom with a disney princes border - i'm 18 and have the room of a 4 yr old and want to make it mine.

I sorted out my top cupboard which was filled with everything from units - i bagged it up and handed it to my mum - she raises so much awareness so maybe this will help, give her a proper insight into what i was going through, and sometimes what i still am going through. My OCD picked up a bit this week and so cleaning my room today was like this huge buzz i felt so much better things had got out of my system although my mood still slightly low.

i got to speak to my best and most special friend today, Eva always manages to cheer me up without fail and she does =]

this time tomorrow i will have a new fresh room and my final reminder of the unit left behind my room will just be mine and not the anorexia's i refuse to let it dominate my thoughts for much longer i will in time be able to let go completly and i am looking forward to that day. I will be one of the lucky ones who will fully beat this demon, my life is moving forward and i want it to stay this way - i want to stay positive and be able to tell my mum things, although my struggle this week has taken a while to come out and say i've done it and it's had a positive outcome, i get a nice clean fresh room - i will have a room fit for someone my age!! i'm not expecting it to solve my problems just keep me the courage to know i've earnt my new room because i've kept myself positive for a year give or take a few blips but with no inpatient stays. i'm hoping i can keep my positivity for a lot longer but i know it's down to me only i can make the change
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