feelings of losing control ...

Sunday 29th May 2011
06:49am



A while since I last blogged!

I've had a lovely week in Zante with my boyfriend Tom and had the most perfect time. I managed to sleep and appreciate what I have around me and the extra support which I've been getting leading up to the holiday. Seeing Dolphins and turtles was perfect, especially being able to see the Dolphins on mine and Tom's 10 months just added to the day.

Once home the routine sort of changed really quickly. I had a night at home before a night at Tom's due to Warrington Disability Partnership's monthly quiz, and I suppose it was at the quiz that I started to notice more that something wasn't right. I was feeling lost and paranoid, despite the fact being surrounded with some of my favourite people.

I'd been into Warrington town centre earlier in the day to get some bits and my heart was racing, I felt sick and I don't think I sweated as much is Zante as I did while I was in town. Things just seemed very weird. I'd had a lovely week away with just Tom in a very quite part of Zante and here I was terrified of bumping into people I knew or being looked at, I hoped I could turn invisible and not be able to be seen. I was heading to Tom's so got on the bus and things seemed a little better, mainly because the bus was very empty!

I get like this at times, I forget how recovery isn't all plain sailing. I thought it would be really easy. It's not just the eating though which I have to sort out it's my attitude to life, who I am and the thoughts which go round my head - I have to sort of categories them into what is rational and not, however there does come a point where I will say it out loud hoping someone will tell me if it is rational or not. I hoped that by December 2010 I would be off my anti-depressants, but it's times like this when I realise how important it is to take them. I dread to think what my thoughts would be like if I had took myself off them.

Yesterday, was another trip to town, with Tom this time! And although he was there my thoughts were still rather mixed up and I was terrified of losing him round town, if he went off for a bit I muttered to myself till he was back (I probably looked really crazy but to be honest at that time I felt it!) These are the times when I become really clingy, if it wasn't Tom there it would have been my mum, Jayne or someone else I would be clinging on to with dear life! I got through the trip to town and managed to get home on the bus.

When I was in my room was when my thoughts really started to spin. My head was jumbled and I honestly thought I was going to self harm. It was one of the worst feelings ever, I had Tom's voice in my head as I know how much he hates it and it scares me shitless that I will lose him if I did. In my head though self harm seemed like the best answer, one cut would be enough I was sure of it, although really one cut would have turned into my entire arm been shredded and I really didn't want that. Not while I've been doing so well not doing it. I suppose though this was the lowest I've felt for a long time. I've not rocked like I did for a good while or been so adamant that I needed to self harm and it was the only way to get me though as the relief I always knew helped. Irrational thought I know, but when I'm in that state anything seems like a good idea - my mum looked scared while I was like this tears streaming down my face but she's seen me worse. I don't see how anorexia can do this to me, it should be the food right? Wrong! Anorexia is due to your emotions, I think if self harm wouldn't have worked my hatred with food would have reared it's ugly head and my spiral may well have started again.

I know this blog probably seems really bad but it's a good thing that I can openly tell people this. This is exactly why I blog publicly as well as privately. I was to some people look healthy (people who know me well know I still need to gain more weight) and I can't possibly still be struggling with my eating disorder but I am. There are days when I wish I could get away without eating anything and dread lunch and tea time but I pull through. Life is complicated and confusing, even more so when you have mental health issues and don't 100% understand your illness yourself!

As you can see by the time I started blogging, sleep isn't the best at the moment! Been up and down all night, so I think I should be off to watch some TV before I get ready to go and do the Going the Extra Mile Kayak for Disability Awareness Day 2011!!

Love
Rach
xxx

May already!?

Monday 9th May 2011
6:35pm

I can't believe it's May already. 5 months in to 2011 is actually really scary!
I've been out of the ED service now for 4 months which already is my longest time out :) and have managed to maintain a healthy weight!

I've waited a long time to be able to go to the gym and the end of last month I was able to actually join! Tom is my "instructor" shall I put it! Which is what I need! I want to be able to do Cardio but also be able to use the weights and actually do things properly.

At the end of last month I was able to get my car, for when I pass my test, which I'm hoping will be soon, took me a while to accept that a manual really wasn't the best idea for me to be driving, so my lessons in an automatic started and already I can feel a difference! 6 two hours lessons have built me up and what driving skills I already head to be able to help me be put in for test!

WDP had their first Young People's Forum. It's been spoken about for a long time apparently and after being to Warrington Disability Forum I realised more how important it was to get young people's voices heard from the people them selves. Meeting the young people was lovely and they all have an enthusiasm to raise awareness on what they know and also learn about other people.

Today I had a meeting in Work with the transition nurse based a CAMHS which went really well and will hopefully lead to more positive work in the future with the team. My experiences are there to be learnt from, and I never want to see a young person have that experience, it was horrible and at times rather traumatic.

St Gregg's asked me to do a talk around the Stamp out Stigma campaign and my involvement with WDP, they couldn't seem to believe how much I've thrown myself into work and raising awareness despite how professionals viewed me at times.

People are so quick to judge of decisions which people make in life, whether it's through protection or the hope that each person has the same views on everything. My journey at times has made me very needy however when you're on a unit you learn how to project yourself and mother other people. I'm may at times seem much younger than I am but I have experienced a lot of things which some adults or people my age have never seen or ever want to see. This is my life and I'm determined to start living for me and not wanting to impress other people all the time.

Got a great few weeks a head and can't wait to live for me :)

Rach
x

Life!

Tuesday 26th April 2011
8:30pm

I suppose life brings things to you for a reason, sometimes it gives you things you'd rather never had have, however good things come out of it.

At times this blog feels like my only way to get how I really feel out, even though people are around me who I trust and care about, I'm worried if when I'm actually having a bad day if I can be as honest as I actually want to. There I minutes when I just want to stand up shout and just burst into tears, but as I'm getting older and meant to be maturing it's hard to accept I can't do that. Life brings tests and trials all the time for everyone, but there is sometimes a point when I believe life is giving me all the shit which is meant for other people.

Becoming independent is something I really want, it's scares me but I know in order to make my recovery completely full I need to prove I can do it. I know people wonder how I could possibly do it, I still need reminders to eat or the motivation to get my ass in gear to actually eat. I've got to a point where I can just block out what I'm doing and get on with it. It's horrible when you know someone has taken the time you make a nice tea or something and I can't always taste it because I refuse myself to enjoy it. There are still times I lie about how I feel about eating and food, but I know getting myself out of the ED service was the best thing as I have to trust myself.

At the moment, I'm doing a presentation about body image and while doing research came across a questionnaire, surprise, surprise it came with the result that my body image is appalling and I should get help with how I feel. To be honest I've always know this, I hope to god in time I will appreciate myself so much more. My self harming seems to have stopped which is normally a major sign of how disgusted I am with myself, don't get me wrong I get the thoughts but I'm now able to beat them or distract myself from the thoughts which have normally led me to some dangerous situations.

Anorexia is evil, I have no idea why I felt so attached to it and saw it as a close friend and someone who I could confide in. When Kate Moss apparently said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I could so agree, and I suppose even now a small part of me still agrees. I would love to know why the professionals promised me that I would feel so much better when my weight was higher, okay I may not be as tired but mentally at times I feel so much worse.

I know I have to stay positive and I will do, I have things to look forward to but I still often look back and I always will do, the past 6 years have been hell, 2010 was a major turning point for me and I want each year to get better and easier to get though. I'm determined to keep on winning and trying my hardest to be free from this shitty illness if at all it is possible, who knows, this thing has dominated my life for a long time and made me very ill - I just want the screaming voice in my head to turn to a whisper and something which if it does appear only does so a minimal about of times!!!

Here's to life and independence :)
Mum I Love you loads!! Thanks for sticking by me all these years :) x x x

Rach
x x x

does it really have to be obvious? ...

Friday 15th April 2011
10:58am

Disability is a subject which either people refuse to talk about or is the subject on everyone's mind - especially with working in the environment at WDP and my own disability it's always on my mind. I often wonder what else I can do to help those with a disability - my particular passion is those disabilities which you can't see but they are there.

When I ask young people about disability when I'm out in schools etc the first thing people mention is a wheelchair, however, only a small percent of the population are in fact wheelchair users. A larger percent of the population have mental health issues but yet getting it recognised as a disability to a lot of people is so hard!!

I love the people I work with, everyday I learn something new about disability and I can then pass these bits of information onto other people. This new information will be fantastic to use at the young people's forum which WDP are currently setting up and letters have been sent out to about 30 young people.

So my experience of ignorant people's view on disability happened today with a bus driver to be honest. He wanted proof that I was a disabled person. I would have happily taken him to Warrington Hospital got out my bulging notes and let him read the shit which I went through - leading to a stint in Hollins Park and trying to hard to get my life back on track, taking time and having to accept help. But I shouldn't have to, I've only in the past year accepted that my mental health is a disability and I need to welcome all the help and accept that I am still ill and although far down the path to recovery maybe not as far down as I think I am - but far enough to appreciate my life finally.

I'm now waiting for Nisha, a beautiful person in and out who I met through my journey, we did a group session together and did have a laugh. I think we've pulled each other though a lot and even if we don't text or talk for a while when we do see each other it's like we only saw each other yesterday!! So today we're off to the beach - believe it or not we're not as mad as we used to be but this seemed like a rather good idea!! lol :P

Life improves but I have to work for it, comments on looking well although still scare me I can appreciate where I am and that they mean it in a positive way. I love who I have around me at the moment and I'll fight to keep them in my life!! I want rid of my anorexia not the people I love and appreciate so much.

Rach
xxxx

Reality.com

Sunday 10th April 2011
8:06pm

I suppose recently my life or should I really say mood has been up and down like I wouldn't believe, or the fact that this bad week was once I good week when I was so skeletal I couldn't even accept that my life was falling a part.

My anti depressants have been reduced - and although it's a good thing, the week while they are reduced and getting into my system is just blah. When medication is increased it's great but urgh having them reduced feels like I'm coming off some illegal drug and my dependence for that drug is so needy its untrue... fluoxetine is a type of Prozac and used mainly for young people and those who suffer from eating disorders, but saying that everyone is different and what it may do for me it might not help someone else.

I'm still taking my driving lessons (STRESS!!!!!) I wanted to be passed by now but nope again my depression etc like to take over and it means its taken me too long for my liking to be driving - the theory was a pain in the ass, kept putting it off as the thought of having to do an exam was horrible the practical test doesn't phase me but god did the theory - felt like I was back in school and could feel my chest getting tighter as the questions were coming up. However, I have had to admit defeat and accept that manual car driving is getting me know where - it was suggested I should try automatic and so that's what I've done and it's such a better and nicer drive. Things seem to be slipping into place. I know not everyone (if anyone) agreed of even still does agree with the fact I've gone in an automatic to do my test in, but it's took so much pressure off me mentally and I feel so much more confident. So I'm hoping to do my test next month and have my own car before disability awareness day - maybe I'm aiming to high but it's a target which can be moved further back or closer I don't have to be driving for DAD but it would be nice to be able to help a bit more!.

So my old facebook account is officially gone, the deletion is definite and I can start a fresh start on a new account. It has helped a lot although my new account seems to like telling people that I've deleted them (When I've not and can still see them on chat!)

I suppose I want a new me and a new start with the people who I have in my life at the moment, I see my new life with my family plus my second family the Horton's :) - I know I have a long way to go,but I'm determined to be a recovered anorexic than being a recovering anorexic. Life is complicated and brings shit a long with it, but I suppose mistakes aren't mistakes they're learning curves and ones which will help me get to the place I need to be.


Rach
xxx

fly by ...

Saturday 2nd April 2011
09:44am

I can't believe it's April already! This year is already going so quickly and so much has happened! Already at Warrington Disability Partnership are getting ready for Disability Awareness Day, my first actual main run up! Last year I joined as the hard work to arrange it had been done but the work to ensure the day went great was still there!!

So March went past quickly! I managed to pass my theory test and this means I'm only a step away from actually driving (the practical can't be that bad ... I wish!) I also managed to get my medication reduced - thankfully! They were meant to be reduced at the end of December, but then they changed there mind and preferred the more doped up Rachael! Pitty they didn't see that I was climbing up the walls with hyperactivity at times! It's scary knowing that I've had them reduced, this puts more responsibility on me to ensure that I do put my ass in gear and try so dam hard to take my recovery more seriously then what I already am.

I still have bad days, a couple I experienced in the week but I've managed to learn from them rather than react badly to them. Although the thought of Self Harm was there people who know me well knew that allowing me to go home would result to this (even without me saying anything)

Life goes past so quickly - Tom has already nearly finished his first year of university, which is really scary! Plus we've nearly been together a year - another brill reason to look forward to DAD week since it's the week which we were introduced to each other and that was it!!

Tomorrow I will find myself at the Warrington Wolves match collecting for DAD due to the funding cuts. It will be a good afternoon out - of course Ollie the Owl will be there to keep an eye on us all. A lot of the WDP team will be there with our buckets so make sure you bring lots of notes with you - never mind the pennies!!! lol

Next Friday Warrington Disability Partnership will be at Morrison's in Latchford doing another bucket collection :) I can't wait till the actually week already the lead up to the week is rather exciting.

So another month of excitement is in order ... looking forward to it! :)

Rach
x x x

past, present and future ...

Saturday 26th March 2011
8:02am






Standing taking this photo on Thursday made me realise how lucky I am to have mental health problems now rather than having them in the 1900s and before. The photo is of the old Asylum in Huddersfield. It's where Tom's uni halls are now situated with obviously a lot of hidden memories. The scary thing is it only closed in 1991! The year I was born so the fact even 20 years ago those with mental health problems were still feared actually upsets me. Obviously I'd rather have no mental health issues, however, if I hadn't I wouldn't have Tom in my life, or have the same insight into mental health and the people who have them. The past is a scary place, before I was born people with mental health issues where hidden away, miles out of town so that if they did try and escape no one would be hurt but the patient - sad yes but true.

I've seen old inpatient records from Winick Hospital (before Hollins Park was set up) which is so sad. I couldn't actually look at them properly as in different ways you can relate to the people and it turns my stomach knowing that it could have been me being treated so badly, tested on and treated as a freak.

However, the attitudes of mental health by some members of the public all that time ago wasn't all bad. My Great Gran who was in her 90s when I got ill was a great support and never had one negative work to say to me about my issues, all she wanted me to do was get better and live my life!

In the present I am doing that, some days I still probably live by the rules and laws of my anorexia but not as much as I did, but I know eventually they will go and I will be able to just hear my own thoughts rather than what my anorexia has to say.

I did a presentation on Wednesday to staff at a conference from different schools to raise the awareness round mental health, some looked shocked the fact that I actually go into schools and talk about anorexia - even today it's the most taboo subject in schools, yet so many people have this desire to be this unrealistic stereotype of perfect.

The weeks been really odd, different things have happened but it make me more positive for my future and what is set to come. I really do believe my path is laid out for me and I will follow it. I have to learn to take the good with the bad, the relapse and the recovery steps as I can learn from that and make myself into the stronger person which I want to be.

I have decided to start living life for me, if I want to do something then yes I'm going to do it. Although I still have this unrealistic desire to please everyone providing I please myself with what I'm doing to help my recovery then surely that is all that matters!?

I am making decisions for me which in the long term is going to do me well! For once my decisions are not deemed to be harming my life but enabling me to live a more positive one. I have plans and dreams and want to see them happen.

Rach
xxxx