bad dreams ...

Tuesday 4th January 2011

08:25am

Waking up and realising that your worst fear was just a bad dream is a relief, but it still gets you thinking and wondering.

Last night I dreamt that I had gained an excessive amount of weight, I woke myself crying in disgust but also shouting for Tom, to help me 'cut off the weight' - so why the sudden constant thoughts about weight, simply because I've had to think a lot about it recently, even more that usual.

Over Christmas I lost a lot of weight and now I have to face the demons in my head and regain that weight. This is to ensure that I do not carry on with the downward spiral and spend another part of my life in and out of units. No matter how much you think I will gain the weight and keep it on, it doesn't really happen. I've done well to last this long and the weight I am - safe enough to be at home but still classed as 'underweight' according to the BMI chart, however when I look in the mirror I see the bad dream which I had come to life.

While in Blackpool I realised I was thin but I put it down to a different mirror as it wasn't my own. Tom seemed relieved that I had noticed but when I came home reality hit and my mirror stood there waiting to mock my thoughts and beliefs which I had worked hard at during Blackpool. I know what you're thinking, get rid of the mirror, but really it's not an option, everyone has a mirror it's a 'normal' thing to have, and I have to learn to face my fears one day at a time.

I really want to this year finally reduce the daily torture of weighing myself. I have the help of a lot of people, not 'professionals' but my friends and family and importantly Tom. I know I can do it, but it will take time. I'm worried that my bad dream will become a reality but I know it's all in the mind.

Weight is a funny thing, it controls a lot of people's lives. Even those who don't have eating disorders. People seem to be obsessed with diets - getting to that target number as it will make them happy, that number rules their life for a while and then gradually the fad disappears and they're back to the number which they are not happy with. I feel different about health eating, mainly because I prefer the word, health eating includes everything in moderation of course. Healthy eating is done without thinking really, you do a bit of exercise and things seem to get better and the weight loss sticks because a healthy eating plan is easier to stick too and you can do it without thinking and not having to worry about points and red/green days or what ever else is around now!!

I understand people are different, but it does annoy me when people say an eating disorder is a diet gone wrong, it's not at all. There is a deeper route course to it, the intention at the beginning is not to lose weight - you just find a way to control the life which seems out of control and needs straightening out, sadly that control becomes life threatening for many people.

I do these blogs for exactly this reason. I can to think about any strange thought which are swimming round my head, but I also get to educate people and give you the insight into the mind of a anorexic, I may be on my journey to recovery but I still have things I need to keep on battling. These blogs help me lots and I love it when people comment and tell me they are reading them, making a difference to people's thoughts maybe ignorance on eating disorders is what I want to challenge, and I will keep on challenging people's thoughts for as long as I need to.

love and hugs

Rach

xxxxx