Tuesday 11th January 2011
08:22am
Flying without wings used to mean something so different to me while I was struggling to deal with my thoughts - it was more to do with the day I finally managed to end everything and could be free from any baggage which surrounded me. However, today it means something much more positive and I enjoy the fact I am looking at things in a happier way.
Flying without wings, shows now how much my life has changed since I took the massive step to recovery. I am able to do things without the fear of what may happen, take risks and enjoy taking them.
Growing up and turning into a proper adult - hitting 20, is somethings which I have longed for over the past few years, which could be seen as strange considering most anorexics want to go back to been children with the security or staying as a child depending of how old they are. I've always wanted to be an adult. I hate been looked at as a child, even at 19 I still don't believe at times I'm treated as the adult I want to be, mainly because of the 'teen' at the end. The last couple of my 'teen' years have been good, but turning 20 is the one thing I will look forward to this year.
I've read a few articles recently, one I posted on facebook earlier. About how words from family members, mainly mothers can affect how a child can view themselves and how this can lead to the road of self destruction for the daughter. However, my mum always told me to love my self, always reassured me that I was beautiful and not to worry about what I viewed as my faults as I still had growing to do and I would grow and I would develop the shape I desired to have. Mum always made sure that she filled me with confidence, however while she was doing that at home at school my confidence was bee ripped to pieces. I was reminded day in and day out how ugly and fat I was, how I was just a cling on to my friends and so mum's hard work at home was being ignored and I listened to the incentive idiots at school as I believed this was the truth. They didn't like me so they would say exactly what they thought.
I think the hard thing for mum now is watching me finally live my life. It's the time we both dreamt of, and that time is here. I love mum millions and she still reassures me that I'm beautiful and not to let people get to me. I am really sensitive to what people say, and do take it really personally. I'm always worried that I'm doing the wrong things or upsetting people without meaning to, as I know how words can hurt and change the direction of where your life is going. My mum is always there for me to go to have a cry and she will always be a major part of my life, we've made promises about the future which I will keep as having mum is major parts of my life is so important and always will be.
I've not self harmed for a few months now which is actually really good for me! I've made promises to people that I will try not to do it and I'm keeping to it. Not just for them but for me too. I don't want scares all over my arm when I get married or have to tell my children why my arms are a mess, not that I'm embarrassed by them I just don't want to be constantly reminded of the years of depression and self hatred I went through. I want my children to speak to me rather than hurt themselves, just like my mum wanted me to do with her.
So I intend to keep on flying without wings, but having the support to keep me flying. I have my appointment later for my depression, and I hope the consultant can actually see that there is an improvement with how I am. I no longer want to end my life, I want to live for as long as possible with the people I care so much for by my side.
With love
Rach
x
08:22am
Flying without wings used to mean something so different to me while I was struggling to deal with my thoughts - it was more to do with the day I finally managed to end everything and could be free from any baggage which surrounded me. However, today it means something much more positive and I enjoy the fact I am looking at things in a happier way.
Flying without wings, shows now how much my life has changed since I took the massive step to recovery. I am able to do things without the fear of what may happen, take risks and enjoy taking them.
Growing up and turning into a proper adult - hitting 20, is somethings which I have longed for over the past few years, which could be seen as strange considering most anorexics want to go back to been children with the security or staying as a child depending of how old they are. I've always wanted to be an adult. I hate been looked at as a child, even at 19 I still don't believe at times I'm treated as the adult I want to be, mainly because of the 'teen' at the end. The last couple of my 'teen' years have been good, but turning 20 is the one thing I will look forward to this year.
I've read a few articles recently, one I posted on facebook earlier. About how words from family members, mainly mothers can affect how a child can view themselves and how this can lead to the road of self destruction for the daughter. However, my mum always told me to love my self, always reassured me that I was beautiful and not to worry about what I viewed as my faults as I still had growing to do and I would grow and I would develop the shape I desired to have. Mum always made sure that she filled me with confidence, however while she was doing that at home at school my confidence was bee ripped to pieces. I was reminded day in and day out how ugly and fat I was, how I was just a cling on to my friends and so mum's hard work at home was being ignored and I listened to the incentive idiots at school as I believed this was the truth. They didn't like me so they would say exactly what they thought.
I think the hard thing for mum now is watching me finally live my life. It's the time we both dreamt of, and that time is here. I love mum millions and she still reassures me that I'm beautiful and not to let people get to me. I am really sensitive to what people say, and do take it really personally. I'm always worried that I'm doing the wrong things or upsetting people without meaning to, as I know how words can hurt and change the direction of where your life is going. My mum is always there for me to go to have a cry and she will always be a major part of my life, we've made promises about the future which I will keep as having mum is major parts of my life is so important and always will be.
I've not self harmed for a few months now which is actually really good for me! I've made promises to people that I will try not to do it and I'm keeping to it. Not just for them but for me too. I don't want scares all over my arm when I get married or have to tell my children why my arms are a mess, not that I'm embarrassed by them I just don't want to be constantly reminded of the years of depression and self hatred I went through. I want my children to speak to me rather than hurt themselves, just like my mum wanted me to do with her.
So I intend to keep on flying without wings, but having the support to keep me flying. I have my appointment later for my depression, and I hope the consultant can actually see that there is an improvement with how I am. I no longer want to end my life, I want to live for as long as possible with the people I care so much for by my side.
With love
Rach
x
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please feel free to leave a message ...