Sunday, 28 November 2010

... Santa is coming to town ...

Sunday 28th November 2010
10:48am

Despite not being a good Christmas person, which I put down to the festive season been surrounded by food, not the fact I'm a Scrooge - I found myself volunteering to be Santa's Little Helper for the opening of Warrington Disability Partnership's opening of their magical Christmas Grotto.

Why volunteer if I'm not the best with Christmas person? I want this year to be different really. Already my year is different, I'm happy because I want to be not because I feel forced to smile and I am slowly able to let rip my true feelings. A fresh Christmas? Yes please!! Those around me at the moment know how much the season terrifies me, but they are helping me through. I do not just have the support of my wonderful mum and dad, who are finding ways to help me deal with the day and have done over the past few years, but this year I have Tom and his family too =] ... so when I was asked to spend some of Christmas with them, I was already not having to think and said yes, but then realising how my parents would react! Thankfully they were fine, they both know how hard Christmas is for me and so allowing me to have a bit more of a relaxing time during the day, so I can't complain to much really can I!?

So as the Little Helper for Santa, I had a cold morning put it that way!! I may have been freezing cold but it was so worth it. When you see young children so excited to be able to see Santa, you realise how much Christmas does mean to a lot of people. Small children were telling me how good they had been during the year, some of them had just started school and so told me they were working really hard and nice to the teacher (wonder how long that will last hey!! role on high school for them!!) I got to become someone else, I had another little identity which the children loved, I was asked so many times if it was cold in Lapland, if I said yes it was like do you have snow, they I had to explain how the snowmen came a live during Christmas due to the magic of Christmas, they looked amazed and it was nice to see parents see their children smile so much over something they could only believe in and not see. I felt honoured to be told I looked taller than a normal elf, I did feel slightly chuffed until the nice young lad added, but not much taller - THANKS!!!! His dad looked mortified but I suppose it can't just be Tom and Beany who like to comment on height!!

I couldn't believe that I was in the same room as three camels at one point, although I was determined that one was trying to kill me and eat me, however was told by my lovely adopted uncle Dave that I could't be classed as a meal and the camel would get more out of him and Patrick, so it was agreed I could be an appetiser!! I always thought that the humps on a camel where hard, however these seemed to droop, maybe they were old lady camels, instead of having droopy boobs they had droopy humps!!

By the afternoon, I was saved from my tiny elf outfit and taken out for some warmth with Jayne and Beany =] although I couldn't find my scarf so was just as cold when I got back outside!! For a while me and Jayne helped on the outside Stall, where it was decided it was too cold and we needed a hat!! So I think the lady on the Stall next to us made money off the cold vulnerable staff from the WDP stall - even our teddy penguins looked cold and so spent some time in Dave's coat with just their heads popping out!!

While mum and dad spent a day in Dublin and I froze my ass off in Warrington Town Centre, I finally realised that Christmas was coming and my fear of the season could slowly start to go and maybe by next year or if not the year after I could finally bring myself to be getting excited for Christmas before now, and while people are starting their own count downs, I could be getting excited without the thought of great a time for an excessive amount of food to be around, but to realise that I have a wider family base now I have Tom =]

So yes, I suppose I am letting Santa come to Town bit by bit but I will get there, I want to get there ....

x x x x x x x x

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

... 4 months ...

Thursday 24th November 2010
8:30pm

I have no idea how this will turn out trying to blog on my phone!!!

Sitting in the SU with tom, I realise how much my life has changed since we've been as Jayne would say 'courting'! I have a new outlook on life, I'm not just worried about me but also able to miss someone who maybe isn't family but means so much to me!! I've been able to have meals out without knowing the menu and working out what I would be safer with, but not to draw attention to!! It's hard yes but I'm secretly enjoying it all and feel so excited like a little girl at christmas! I may not enjoy christmas but I think a tiny part of me is wanting to burst out with excitment - who knows maybe this year it will happen!!!!!

As much as my own family help and I love my parents etc to bits and they know this, I don't have to tell them everyday, but having tom's lot too is really nice, knowing I have someone else to moan to but who can rationally make me realise that I'm talking shite!!!

So me and tom have been going out 4 months although it seems so much longer not bad longer a good one! I don't think I've been this comfortable around anyone so quickly in a long time, my mum would agree with that!! Life is as people say 'short' but for me it seems a long time!! The future scares me although I love to speak about it but the unknown and not knowing how many situations are out of my control creates the problem! I will HAVE to let change happen I know that but still I'm more worried that I'll mess up my 20s etc that I want so much to happen now while I feel I could possibly cope! I have a fantastic network of people around me but still at times I think they'll have to drag me through!

Although I want children when I'm older I worry so much about my body changing etc and the weight which goes with it!! I don't want to be the stastic who relapses due to pregnancy and I'd hate to resent anyone because of it!!!!

I can now sort off feel comfortable in a busy place which is out my comfort zone, aka a pub etc .... Shopping I'm okay with but it's still hard but I've trained myself to block everyone out and literally make them invisable, leading people to think I'm rude but I just freak otherwise!!

I'm looking forward to my future although scared as well, I'm scared of losing the people I care grately about but I suppose that's life people do come and go, I just struggle to let them go but at times I know it's for the best.

Going to leave it here as if this is all weird and not justified I have no idea what I'm going to do!!!!!

X x x x x x x x x x x x x xx

Monday, 22 November 2010

... weight ...

Monday 22nd November 2010
8:20pm

SO weight ... what actually is it? It's a number which rules my life, my thoughts and beliefs. No? It's a number which doctors etc use to work out how healthy a person is, it allows people to see how different people function with different BMI (body mass index) and also the amount of fat/muscle. However, I live by the first.

The number on those scales each morning determines how my day will pan out. I was weighed daily at the Priory and this has become a ritual to me, the days when I cannot weigh myself are long and hard. Although, normally on those days I'm with Tom so he can put up with my rants!! I understand why he hates the scales, it's not normal for a person to be so critical about themselves over a number. I go off Kilograms (KG) well I have done since I have been in services - those numbers seem bigger which makes no sense why I stayed working with those figures but I seem to understand them a lot more than - even though a lot of people look at me oddly when I use kilos and not what most households use - however, "professionals" use kilos so it makes sense to them!!!!

Although, I am in recovery - I still have my habits which will get me through the day, as much as I'm working to try and get over them it's so hard especially when I'm so used to doing them. At times it can be embarrassing, the fact that I cant sit down for too long and wonder off out the office in order to get back into the zone in which I can work and do the job in hand. Having to have lunch in work with certain people so I can bring myself to eat as normally work is an excuse not to have to endure the torture of sitting down and eating when I could be just walking round for half an hour. I eat in work simply because I respect the people in which I work with. Having them worrying about what I have or haven't eaten is not worth it, I respect what they have given me and helped me to achieve.

There are days when I can not eat, not purposely but simply because I forget and realise late into the evening that I've not actually eaten and it explains why I feel so light headed, so normally when I feel sick the first question people ask is "have you eaten?" My face says it all!!

This is the hard part of recovery, having to start to ration things out in my head, letting Rachael in and the anorexia out. I know that my mum is noticing a difference in me, after our chat this evening I realised how far I have come but how hard it must be for her to let me go. I've needed her so much over the past few years and now I'm taking those tiny steps back into normality - what ever that is! Mum still worries, she notices so quickly if my weight drops, even a little bit!! It's annoying but I understand why she's like that!!!

It's nice to have other people to also go to, I can for once share things instead of just lumping it on my mum, we get to have more mother/daughter conversations, laugh about the past and look forward to the future .........

x x x x x x x


Sunday, 21 November 2010

Blood Brothers

Sunday 21st November 2010
07:53am

Blood Brothers is my ultimate favourite musical going. The atmosphere is always brilliant and I never get bored watching it.

So, mum and me got the train from Sankey to Liverpool to meet up with my nan. Its our tradition, it's normally the three of us that go. We talked about past times we had been to see it either in Liverpool or Manchester and of course got on to talk about the time mum took me back to Warrington hospital because I refused to eat the samosa and Freddie frog which she had bought me for tea, but it was loaded with calories despite it being the lowest available option at the time, and well the Freddie frog was basically to piss them off for making me buy the food in the first place!!

So as usual, we went out for tea, I'd been sat down already for about 4 hours so wasn't exactly thrilled to be sitting down and eating. However, mum and nan made the entire thing bearable even though I thought I was just going to burst into tears at any point!! Normally the menu has limited vegetarian options - I like this, limited options limited panic, however, I don't think I'd even seen so many vegetarian options and stuck to my decision while mum and nan um and arghed over what they wanted and kept changing their mind. I hate making decisions especially over food!

Yes I can eat with my nan, one of the limited members of my family I can eat with - why? because she used to come up for meals out with mum. She knows what to say, what not to say and basically is used to my weird little habits. The people I chose to eat with now, well it takes time for me to do it as I strongly believe that they will stare, but it's not been to bad, they just accept I eat slightly weird and that's the end of it, I've got issues with food, but I've got people who I know well so used to me not eating that is how I keep it as the fear of them commenting is really high, although I know they know better not to, I just can't put myself in that situation or at risk where I refuse to eat at all.

Mum always has her little chats with me after, just to make sure I'm okay and not in to much of a flap sitting in a restaurant with what seems like millions of people all trying to have a good stare at what I'm eating!! Her little chats help and it's just like our normal routine to make me realise that I have made another step.

So I had an eventful day, managed to keep myself calm with the thanks and help to a couple of my tablets and of course the mother and grandma!!

So today will hopefully bring a trip to Warrington for some Christmas shopping and hopefully a routine trip to Starbucks as normal to keep me warm =p!!!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Monday, 15 November 2010

slip back in time ...

Monday 15th November 2010
6:50pm

When you sit and talk to people who have had some sort of eating disorder, self diagnosed or otherwise, the anorexic in you starts to creep out. The competition runs back into you and you start to think "I was the better one" it was weird I realised that although I'm much further on than I have been in a long while the part of me which thinks "I was the better anorexic" was there. It was the most strangest feeling, but weirdly enough I felt a strange warmth run through me which I enjoyed and it took off the negative feelings I'd had after lunch.

I felt as though I'd stripped myself naked and went back in time. I was unsure at first if I'd dreamt the entire situation, I felt like I was in a daze sat there comparing myself, every little bit of my body, I was able to see my 'lumps and bumps' and well and truly felt like my anorexia was in control of me once again!

People often wonder and ask if I believe the anorexia ever really goes, does it really leave me, can I ever be "FULLY" recovered. To be honest I think it's the person you are. I don't personally believe I will ever be fully recovered, I think I may be able to gain control of the anorexia but I think I'm the sort of person that little things will trigger off an episode. I'd love to let it go completely but maybe in a way it's good that it is there, it makes me stay on track and realise how great things are going at the moment, I am able to have a warning sign that something is not right. I have a lovely boyfriend and adopted a family and another cat but they along with my family are allowing me to have my slips and bringing me back up. Although I may not be the best at socialising like I mentioned in my last blog, but those who I manage to bring a relationship with, especially now during my recovery process, these are the people who mean the world to me and I want to be able to form a relationship to and not lose it.

Being able to see a future is lovely, I can see my life moving on, I see me having my own family, helping other people and making a difference to the way in which people live, it's small changes which help, I want to be able to leave positive footprints in people's lives like people are now doing with me....

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Sunday, 14 November 2010

?social?

Sunday 14th November 2010
2:57pm

Another weekend spent in Huddersfield, another weekend which i didn't want to end!! Although feeling slightly low through the week, knowing i was going to be with tom Friday afternoon was keeping me going.

Friday night was really nice, relaxing and then spending some time with his uni mates. However, my hyperactive mood suddenly disappeared as i entered the other flat. I'm not great at socialising especially with people who are my own age. Why? because i believe for the social side of things i have been institutionalised, I have got so used to having to spend time inside at the evenings and weekends, that I'd rather do that - a night in which my pjs and snuggled up in bed sounds like a good night to me. I get terrified about going out, I've been into Warrington once, although it was a good night i was still shitting myself. I'd rather go into town on my own then with a group of people, more people the more i panic - it's weird as i seem so confident when telling my story - that's because, i know that i was the study and I'd hate for people to turn out and feel how i do because of this bloody illness.

Saturday was a good day too =] a trip to the town centre in Huddersfield and then a home cooked meal, despite the fear running through by body i did it =] i managed to allow myself to have the meal and appreciate the time I was having with tom =]

the rest of the week has been busy - although the last few days before the weekend were lazy i did so much work for college, but was able to just stay in bed and appreciate the fact that i wasn't expected to do this work in college. Things do seem to be easier, I'm not as stressed about work for them and i don't feel sick as much after i leave the building. I still wonder if there is food hidden down radiators etc around the school from times where the bins seemed to be guarded by staff members, again i was unable to stay with people during dinner time, not just because i needed to hide food but because i just couldn't cope with all the people and having to try and get myself into a conversation, more often then not what i had to say was laughed at or just thrown back in my face so i still believe that this will happen once again. I suppose now it's easier to ignore a social situation than to throw myself into it and fear having my comments completely ripped to shreds and feeling as though my limit contribution should have just stayed out. Yes, okay i was described as miserable, but they would be too if they had to constantly hear thoughts and have a constant battle with people in order not to eat and hide food. I went into myself, i lost all interest in anything and everything. I have no hobbies what so ever, things may interest me but i will always find a way to make it okay for me to handle my anorexia so it won't come back to strong later on in the day for enjoying myself.

I suppose like lots of 'professionals' say your educational years set you up socially, well mine didn't - i always felt like the outsider, my friend was my anorexia, she kept me company and enabled me to do things. She would take me places, more often than not I'd wonder off site for a walk away from everyone, yes although i won't walk to the chippy for chips i was only too happy to walk off and walk as far as i could within a short period of time to get away from the noise and the corridors and everything to do with school. I may have liked school but for the wrong reasons - i liked school because i could get away with not eating, it was the place i could just feel powerful and look at everyone wondering how they could be so fine with eating - it's a strange world, the mind works in weird ways.

I really don't want anyone to go through this horrid illness, I've lost so much. I've lost friends who I'd hope to have kept in contact with for a long time realising that when we were younger talking about our weddings and kids was just a dream, a dream little girls have when then are young and they believe the world is innocent a life will never go bad. The most important thing for me now is to make friends realise that keeping in contact with the friend(s) which are ill is one of the most helpful things, watching teen stare at their mobile phones is horrible, when when they do get a text, cheer and then realise it's from their mobile phone company it's heart breaking. Yes okay it works both ways but at the beginning i felt so lonely especially when i was shipped off to the priory to watch 2 yrs of my life just go. Then i had to walk back in to college to see everyone getting ready to move to uni, although this was my turning point it was also at that point i really did contemplate another OD ... but i knew this was my chance and probably my final chance to sort out my life while i could ... thank god i did!!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Rhode Island Coffee

Saturday 6th November 2010
6:52pm

Sitting in Rhode Island Coffee in town today I reflected on everything - for a few seconds I slipped back in time and saw a skeletal girl sitting in the corner away from everyone hiding every mouthful of food so that no one could see her eat - however, today in the corner was a happy girl smiling and having lunch with her boyfriend, although still nervous about food she looked more comfortable and for once happy. No food was been hidden and no lies were been told to the lad next to her, she just smiled laughed and couldn't believe how much her life had changed.

Life goes by too quickly but for me that hour went so slowly, I was enjoying it and crying inside knowing how BIG the step was in which I was making.

Walking round Warrington Town Centre was once just a load of exercise looking at clothes which I wanted to fit into as soon as possible size 6 and below - the waist on the jeans was so dinner and everything looked so much nicer smaller, however, town to me now is a place to socialise and to drag Tom round, randomly buying a nice top which is a suitable size and a nice pair of jeans which too are a more sensible size although sometimes depending on the style they have to be a size which normally my mum wouldn't approve of - but oh well, even I have to accept it sometimes that it's a one off and not to think I've lost loads of weight and should feel proud of myself.

Spending weekends away from home is actually nice, for once I enjoy spending time with other people and Tom makes me face fears - including acknowledging people in town as normally I can become really withdrawn and it's like I'm floating round town just in a little world of my own =]

I've not laughed this much in a long time and I hope it stays .....

x x x x x x x x x x

Friday, 5 November 2010

... diagnosis wanted not a label ...

Friday 5th November 2010
10:22am

Recently I have noticed that a lot of people associate things as been a label especially around mental health, okay so once i wore my anorexic badge with pride and wanted to shout it from the roof tops that i had the strength not to eat or drink a thing and watch myself fade into the background.

i'm not proud any more of having the diagnosis of anorexic, however, i am proud of what it has helped me to achieve, it has given me the confidence to talk and help others. I have noticed recently that I'm two different people at times, and I do often feel the vulnerable girl coming back - especially is social situations. I find it really hard to interact with some people especially if drink is involved - i have to have a drink in order to gain the confidence to be who i am - why? i do not know. Talking about my life with mental health is so easy to me, and i believe it' basically because I became a friend to myself, i could only trust myself and was only ever able to express myself to myself - whether this was through silent tears in my bed room or by my release of self harming - getting the tension out and feeling that the bad side of me was leaving.

I'm starting to see things as a diagnosis, i really want to know what is going on in my head, a long with many other people. I do not feel like i'm been labelled i feel as though i'm been allowed to get the help i want and need so desperately especially before the Christmas period comes and i once again feel like my life is falling to pieces.

As you can probably tell, i'm not a Christmas person, i'm NOT a Scrooge i just become more anorexic over the Christmas period, i'm like a inner shell of who i really am, Christmas scares me - the food, the drink and people moaning that they are gaining weight while i'm desperate to prove i will loose weight over the Christmas period, and once again my mind set is there. Christmas means the year is coming to an end and a new one is going to begin - another year with my anorexia, my depression and the fear of relapsing. i've been unable to bring myself to have a Christmas dinner in about 5 years, the thought scares me and my mum's dinner always looks so nice - its smells so good but even the smell scares the hell out of me, i fear i will smell those calories so i block everything out and watch everyone else the food i'm desperate to eat and then glare back at my empty plate disgusted with myself that i've let the anorexia once again win the battle at Christmas - but to be honest i think it would win even if i did eat it and that fear is immense i'm actually scared of my anorexia and i hate it when it manages to get its grip back into me for a while and i just zone out working out calories and trying to reassure myself i'm the thinnest person in the room - my head is manic at times and i wish at times it would just stop ticking over!!! - but this is part of my recovery, i have to accept it will be hard, harder than what people will ever realise.

Sitting in the therapy room yesterday hearing how a consultant knew my good mood from the last appointment wouldn't last, and i would be unable to cope with the fall back down was horrible - although she was right and for once i couldn't argue, i can't handle stressful situations i feel trapped and have to get out and run. Again i was told i was complex - i was at a okay weight but yet my head was STILL not able to cope with how i look apparently i should have been at this point by now - i have a low opinion of myself and go through stages such as showering with a eye mask on so i can't see myself or i feel repulsed with how i look - i'm NOT vain i'm ill and have what is believed to be severe body dismorphia, i wish i could see this 'attractive thin girl' everyone tells me I am but i can't i still feel like an under developed teen who is still obsessed with getting rid of lumps and bumps before i've even hit puberty, but yet apparently I have boobs and a flat stomach - but yet my head tells me differently and the need of a boob job still plays on my mind a lot!!

I hope that one day I will be able to move on properly - I have people who are keeping me going but I have to be able to be at a stage that I want to get better for me, I want to eat for me, but yet I'm eating so I don't loose people, maybe i'm eating for selfish reasons - food is a medicinal just like my anti depressants and that's how I see it.

I have massive fear of leaving food now - even if i'm feeling full I aim to finish i don't want people to think i'm getting ill again and start to worry. I'm allowing people to make my meals which is odd - not looking at packets or seeing how it's been cooked but maybe that's better I don't know really!!

Although i have so much amazing things going on in my life at the moment the anorexia is still there, it's learning to control myself and been able to talk openly and honestly to people about how if i'm having a bad day people know and don't presume i'm just been a moody cow - there is always a reason it's just bringing myself to say what it is without the embarrassment or the fear of people laughing.

Hopefully this time next year i will have a proper diagnosis and will be getting the help i need to fully recover and not just Plato!!

x x x