Wire fm Awards 2010

friday 29th october 2010
21:59pm

last night is one which i will never forget, the nomination itself was enough but to be short listed and then awarded the heart of gold award was just amazing.

i sat listening to what wire fm had to say about me and with pride i smiled. i couldn't believe all the work i had actually done, was the scared 13 yr old anorexic now making a slight difference to other people's lives. i was once i very quite self reserved person and now i was on stage seeing a room full of people with wet teary eyes, my mum more like a waterfall but filled with pride that her daughter was able to walk on stage and have the strength to realise that anorexia was the enemy and not the family or friends who surrounded me.

listening to what other people had done to help make a difference was really nice but the best thing of the night was been able to celebrate it with the people who have really made a difference to my life. tom walked into my life in June/July time and not walked out, he won't either he's to special for me to loose and he's made such a dramatic difference to my life, but he didn't just bring himself he brought the rest of his family too, who are basically just like another set of parents and actually feel comfortable when i'm in their house. i'm happy to help out, well would rather still act like a guest but that i think has worn off now =p i'm there too often!!!

the thoughts running through my head were manic, my emotions had been all over the place and my appointment with the harrison centre was okay but they still don't know what to and what not to diagnose me with offically!! it's rather amusing after a while as i'm a complex case - believe me i'm far from it!!

getting the award is a feeling i had never thought i would get again, i actually once for a short period was happy with me, i things seemed so much nicer. I went back to a teary table and lots of hugs were given.

when people extra special walk into your life you really don't want to let them go, i take a while to form relationships, on trust manily, but once i know they can be trusted i really struggle to let them go. maybe i become too attached but these people have made a huge difference to my life and i'll work dam hard to keep them in - upsetting people is a big NO, i feel guilty for hours if not days until i'm sure things will be steady.

in the car back home i reflected on the night and something which was said, which i said "i'm an ordinary girl with a few slight problems" and it's so true i am and very proud of it.

i hope to god life stays this good if not better!!

rach

x x x x x

having a purpose ...

Saturday 23rd October 2010

08:10am

I can't believe it's nearly the end of October already. things are going so quickly, and I'm wondering if it's because I'm well enough to enjoy the time I'm having. It may sound cheesy, but it's so true, a day used to be a day nothing to appreciate it came and went. ...

Know my day has a purpose, i have things to do and events to count down to. My days are full =], okay I don't enjoy college but i do have other things now going on. I get to spend time at WDP talking to people who make me see that i do deserve to be here. I get to act my age without worrying and at times like everyone i get to act that little bit immature (maybe that happens more) the main office is not a normal office put it that way.

yesterday i was at Hollins park, it was weird - but i was able to help train staff on this first impressions training, i was able to link my experiences in with their training, and was made up when i noticed my name on one of the feed back sheets, i had made their course better and couldn't believe it really!!

so Thursday was the day that really made me realised how much work i have been doing and that people can actually see it. I'd been nominated and short listed for the wire FM 'heart of gold' award. okay at first i was in complete shock but managed to get over it, after all i get a new dress =p

over the past three months a certain person started to change my outlook on things. He's made me realise that i don't have to be so worried about everything and is able to tell me how irrational a lot of my thoughts still are, without me getting into a screaming fit of range but actually getting me to think!! My life isn't just revolving round food and college, I'm starting to get a social life and getting to know people who i haven't met through a hospital setting!! although in recovery my life was still based a lot round food, i had structured times however, you realise with tom there is not set time for food!! It's nice to be able to have someone you actually sit on the sofa with and just feel comfortable - so comfortable i normally end up falling asleep!!

the amount of people who have been telling me to write a book is amazing, however, i want to make the final few chapters based on me growing up more as a person, finding myself as a person more also. when people come into your life who you don't want to let go of it's one of the feelings which makes me see that i do deserve to be happy. feeling welcome in someone Else's home, not just by them but their entire family is so nice. I have to laugh with the fact i don't just have a veggie draw at mine but also at tom's it's the extra things people do which make me feel like I'm actually accepted, a word which i never thought I'd be able to say ever again! after gone from years of bee terrified of staying at people's houses, I'm now a regular guest at the Horton hotel =]

times are changing, I'm accepting that i need to change and I'm glad I've got people around me who are helping me to do it ...

x x x x x x x x x x x

talk for wdp =] .....

wednesday 20th october 2010

07:54am

On monday, it was my first school talk as part of my young ambassador role. to be perfectly honest i was really nervous, i didn't know what to expect or how the students would take to me - thankfully everything was okay =p

so at about half 8 me and chris rolled up at wade deacon, chris was there to support me and didn't actually have the task of having to speak to the students - just look pretty in the corner =p The laptop was fixed up and my first presentation started at about 9am!!! ....

as the students and teachers walked through the door, i knew one of them from when she used to teach me at Sankey when I was 12 for history!! Miss Cross =p although Miss Cross is now married which i was like how sweet!! i knew things would be okay then - you see miss cross was one of the teachers who went on the battlefields trip with school when i was in yr 10, when my anorexia was starting to take a tighter hold of me and had the opportunity to grab me while i was away from home and basically expected to make sure i ate when i could - but sadly not. She kept her form behind to speak to me and explained to them what it was like to watch it happening, they didn't have a clue really but knew something was wrong - my ability to lie grew and i became so much more confident in it as they always seemed to work!! it was actually a good sign that she was there at my first talk. it also helped that my aunty also works there and so managed to get a few hugs in off her too =]

the second talk again went well, i managed to actually get the this morning interview up which kept them quiet for a bit and then was able to go into the presentation - my confidence had grew more so i was getting to the point where i was picking on people to answer as they seemed to be quiet and really reserved about putting hands up etc - which is understandable for a yr 10 group of students.

so my talks went well and i loved doing it - the fact i could do something on my own was really good =] i had the independence to do things my way and just be able to talk =]

the monday afternoon, i found out that my pre recorded interview was going out and an article would be placed on their website plus a video, cringe!!! I later found out that several station across the UK were actually playing the piece so i just hope to god my accent could be understood =p

again college has once again been playing on my mind =[ i dont have the feelings of wanting to be there at all any more, it has been noted and staff do know, i just see it as i'm 20 next yr and i'm STILL a student at sankey, i want to move on - do the things i want to do, help with the YA scheme, get more people involved with the involvement scheme at the 5BP but it all takes time, maybe i'm expecting to much from myself, i'm not trying to save the world i'm no superman but the thought of being able to give it a go and help even a small group of individuals is what keeps me going and keeping me to achieve my ambitions =]

x x x x x

concentration ... what's that?

friday 15th october 2010

09:40am

yesterday at college things really sank in, I really wasn't me in that building anymore, I physically was there but mentally i was somewhere else. I had my subject review in law first thing on a thursday morning, i'm normally really weepy when its a meeting at stupid o'clock and just as per usual i was!! staff had actually noticed that i wasn't really concentrating in class and my interaction with other people was minimal if anything none existant. I've chosen to sit on my own as much as possible in law, no distractions and i can just float off into my own little world and hope the hour ends soon as so i can get home and get to work.

For once work isn't the thing which is preventing my recovery, i personally now think it's college. I picked subjects which i thought would get me away from mental health move me away from the caring carer, however, over the holidays i've realised that is the thing i really need to do. i would feel awful in a few years still reading the same stories about people being stigmatised over their mental health - bullying in school as there is something slightly different about them, hospital admissions which could have been prevented if help was provided sooner in the community.

speaking to one of my college tutors yesterday morning before the day started, it was suggested that i did a part - time degree in like hospital management or something along those lines. i want to manage but always wanted to manage my own business, and recently i'd been thinking about a councelling charity due to the stupid waiting lists which people who are in need on therapy have to wait for or people, like myself, who wasted the opportunity while they were really ill to accpet the help simply because i was too ill who now want therapy to give them the chance to actually recover and not just float in the middle - people telling you there is a high chance of relapse back into the scary world of none existance in the decision to reduce my intake once again. so i'm now stuck in the position in deciding my future and working out what is best for me and not what people are just expecting from me. i want to go to uni in the furture and lots of people are telling me i should be going or it would be a waste as i could achieve 'great things' i sound like i'm out of harry potter hahaha!!!

those who know what happened yesterday afternoon i thank you all so much for being so understanding and not presuming i was just been a silly irrational person, my thoughts added up and i'm glad that people could actually see my understanding. Lynda in work made me realise how much recently i had over come without resulting to my usual ways, for once i was using the people around me for help and working though situations!! i'd never have thought a cup of tea with NO sugar (rachael w) would actually make me feel so much better. i can't believe how positive work are with me i love it and love the fact they accept my weird little ways!!!! although i drive them mad when i realise things on my desk have been moved lols!!!

well i better leave it here, i have to get ready for college - 7 months to go till i can walk out of there with my head held high knowing that i proved the 'professionals' wrong and i would finish college eventually!!!!!

roll on half 3 so i can see tom =]

x x x x xx

seeing is believing

tuesday 12th october 2010

9:00am

yesterday i was given one of the most amazing opportunities, I was allowed to spend the day on Fairhaven - the adolsecent unit for young people with mental health problems. I actually wasn't on there as a patient, mainly because i'm to old - but as a visitor/member of staff.

I went on the unit to speak about my journey as an inpatient through my god knows how many admissions and they listened. I didn't just go on as WDP's YA but because I have a passion for mental health. They were not scared to ask questions and I was honest, speaking about my experiences at Hollins Park making them realise now is the time to start really trying to sort things out and to fight their illnesses. Hollins Park is no Fairhaven, one of the patients said so the stories are true .... yes sadly they are.

Speaking about what they wanted to happen within the unit allowed them to realise that they did have the opportunity to change things for the better - like i said "seeing is beliving" i was proving that life can still go on, you just learn to accept your triggers and take life as it comes. I explained about my self harm, sucicide, anorexia, depression, admissions with truth and they all said they felt as though i was an inspirtion, for once i was an inspiration for sorting my life out and not fighting against the system!! i did actually feel touched by what they said.

Speaking to one patient on like a 1:1 level made me realise she was actually ready for discharge which was looming very soon. A story was told and i took interest something which she wasn't used to, someone of an similar age taking an interest and wanting to listen to her.

seeing those the young people on the unit made me realise how far i had come, my personal journey had got me to the point where i could speak to them and sort of give them to little bit of hope which is needed especially when you feel like there is no hope when your an inpatient.

when youre given opportunities it is so important to take them, i'm now working with the organisation i once hated because they had me in hospital (5BP) but now they're like another family, i'm helping them to improve and helping other people see that they can have a life - WDP gave me the opportunity to be the YA, at first i was so scared, it was a new set of people who i had no clue about, i would have to learn to build another trusting relationship so that i could bring myself to eat and be as honest as possible when i was having a bad day. I never believed i would be in the postition i am in today, i'm able to rasie awareness about mental health and use my own experiences, i'm actually believing that good things can happen to me ...

after all ...

seeing is believing

x x x x x xx

independence

Wednesday 6th October 2010

6:04pm

Not having the best nights sleep last night didn't really help me this morning when trying to force my self out of bed, showered and dressed. Some how I found the energy and managed to drag myself up and out of the house, walking to WDP in order for me to clear my head - forgetting how long the walk actually is and that my feet kill and i moan for the first hr of me being at work - but they love me for it and i keep them entertained.

Today, my new timetable began, the responsibilty of taking control of my BTEC subjects from home and gaining some independence. College finally realised that I was feeling far to old to be there. It was agreed I would come in for Law and just pop in to see my BTEC teachers, which works fine with me. I can plan blocks at home to do my BTEC stuff and it gives me the freedom to do more at WDP and help to raise more awareness. It was the best plan which I could come up with and it motivates me to get back into college and actually concentrate, I have no idea what we're doing in Law as I just switched off thinking of all the exciting events work would be doing soon. plus my weekends with tom either in Huddersfield or back in Warrington. I couldn't relax as all i could think about was college and how much i didn't want to be there. continuous phone calls and text messages of how i should be going or i would regret it when i was older etc etc, which is true as i know i would kick myself for the rest of my life!! ... people know me to well!!!!

I was amazed today to see that Dave Thompson the chair man for WDP had mentioned me in his blog, the new little YA who is all quiet in work and never causes any mayem!!! lols!!!!! the positive action awards were mentioned but i never expected to be mentioned with in it.

Today I also spent a few hours on my presentation to which i'll be showing to schools and i'm so made up with it. Getting pictures together and seeing how much i've changed compared to the frail young girl with the NG who was exisiting and not living. I was laughing at the Wii night photos with my family and tom's mum and dad, on everyone i'm smiling, i couldn't believe it - i was allowing myself to smile, relax and enjoy myself.

I also realised today for the next week or so my routine will be slightly different, and that is what i have to get used to, things changing and my acceptance. Why? Normally i start work with a quick hello to Jayne and then end the day with a bye and feel relaxed and okay for the rest of the night, i feel weird if i don't and feel uneased, it's weird but i think routines are helpful =] i probably look like a weird stalker but i'm not exactly the most 'normal' whatever that is 19 yr old. Lists and routines get me through the day like most people, although it is also known to many as a form as OCD!!

i'm looking forward to what is in store for my future something which i've been thinking about a lot recently is something which was mentioned at the positive action awards, Dave said he feels happy knowing that there are people like me around to keep making a difference and able to stand up for ourselves and others. It's so true, I have had to stand up for what i believe in over the past week and stick by that a long with many other people who are whole hartedly backing me up.

i have two days left till i'm able to see tom and have my much needed tom hug. I have nicely been given a bag of clean washing for him and so will most proably return with dirty washing on my return to sunny warrington, leaving another stressful week most probably in store leaving me with new situations to deal with - i welcome the challanges!!

i love what WDP have provided me with, a boyfriend, friends, an family and a life =] i welcome the day when my depression is deemed as low risk and i'm able to handle my thoughts on my own without feeling guilty for it after!!

i feel lucky for what i am doing and how i'm doing it!!

x x x x x x xx

allowing things to happen, for the right reasons ...

Monday 4th October 2010

09:37am

last week in college was such an odd week, which once again had me wondering "why the hell am i still here" i'm 19 had been at sankey since I was a new little yr 7 aged 11 moving into 7K in X5, which our green uniforms and giant bags, and still i was there, wondering the corridors and feeling how i felt for some reason when i was falling ill. Everywhere i look i could see me doing something which encouraged the anorexia to keep that grip on me and make me loose some of the best years of my life.

I am so lucky to be allowed back there and i know that but i actually feel old been there, i've seen all the new bloody ties which have come in and out and new and old staff, the worst thing in when new staff talk to me like i'm a kid and when the old staff talk to me like i'm still as ill as i was the day i was forced out of school and admitted to hospital to endure my inpatient treatment.

Lots of people know i'm close to Jo i'm not afraid to admit it, i'm not embarrised to say it either. She has literally dragged me through my bad days and looked after me, seen me cry, freak out, shout, swear whatever, and she still has the time to sit me down and see what the hell is happening. She notices everything from when i've not slept, eaten and lost weight - but the fact is she took me into yr 12 the first time round despite been told my prognosis was not good and then took me back into yr 12 last yr. Last year my yr 12 day was like been back in yr 7, i have never wanted to run so quickly!!!

September 2010 brought me yr 13, i never had a first day of yr 13, i don't think the priory let me in college till november as they knew i'd just take the piss out of the system!! i've been back now for a month and i still feel weird been there, normally i just sink back into work and get on with it but this yr things are different and the work is a drag and the motivation to do it is just not there. hearing i had got 2 awards for business and travel and was just like why!? college is bad enough without me having to be given a certificate that i really didnt want. yes i sound selfish some people would die to have their grubby little hands on that but for me i didn't want it. im in college just to get my alevels to move me on to the next part of my life - i dont want the certificates i just want the grades and its enough for me.

it was a lovely idea for one of my teachers to come up with the 'bacon butty scheme' the thought for the class was like yay a free bacon butty, for me the thought of been rewarded with food was just like SHIT please don't, i'm happy with just doing the work, thankfully after days of thinking of what the hell i was going to say but be polite i managed to say how i felt, the college canteen scares the hell out of me, even going in with other people i feel sick and feel like all eyes are on me

but i'm allowing things to happen now, i'm speaking to staff in college to find a way of getting me through till may as i really don't think i will last till january if i keep feeling like college is 'unsafe' anymore, so hopefully there will be a solution soon and i will be able to do my work. sounds stupid but i can't work in college i cant concentrate i hate having to sit down for an hr and just be there i feel lazy and don't like it!!

now tom is at uni it's weird but i appreciate and look forward to weekends and spending time with him. normally weekends were just horrible i hated them, but now i count down to them and look forward to getting off the train and actually having a weekend not revolving round times to do things or having to get back to a unit for the torment of food having to be placed infront of me. at the unit i used to eat quick, it looked like i was okay and food was fine but deep down i was crying and screaming, obviously experienced staff picked up on the fact i was just getting the meal out of the way, however, now i eat at a normal speed and try and reassure myself that i will be okay, and although i'm eating i think at times people know i just want to chuck it and just cry but the thing is a do it - sit silently for a bit while i get my head together and then rach is back been a pain in the ass!!

i find it easier to eat with people who didn't know me when i was ill although i still make sure they're aware not to draw attention to my anorexia but to ensure i do eat something. however, sometimes that is still hard. i love the fact i can eat with jayne, beany, tom and jim (when he's in =p) although my heart is racing i'm doing it, i feel safe but i've had no control over the meal, i dont have a clue how it's cooked or made i just bring myself to get on with it, normally i would hover be in and out the kitchen time and time again checking packets but i think the horton's think i'm weird enough hahaha!!!!! i always will remember the first time i ate there, tom made it and portioned it out and i sat there and got on with it. i felt proud that i'd done it but i also wish i could bring myself to do it with others but the truth is a cant, people have got used to not seeing me eating it's more of a normalilty so when i do eat i sit and wait for the firework and party games to appear!!

... however, thing are happening and i'm starting to appreciate my life who i am and what i've been able to achieve, proving people wrong and showing that i am able to look after myself and get on with life maybe a lot differently to others but i'm getting there and love the fact that i'm wanting to make a change and not just thinking about it!!! change is scary yes but at times it has to be done and i have to allow it!!

x x x x x

x x x x x