Monday 24th March 2014
12:02pm
A good friend of mine mentioned the other day that I hadn't blogged for a while. Didn't realise it had been 7 months!
So what's been happening!?
I started my Foundation Degree Course in Counselling (eek!!) Honestly it started off rocky, I think I had my BPD head on for a while, trying to protect myself and knowing that I'd be with these people for the next three years of my life. The last time I was in a class environment lasting longer than a year was school. I managed to do a lot of independent study when I went back to college after my OD in 2009 but even that wasn't the best experience. I was still being prodded and poked around the decision of "does she has a personality disorder or is she Bipolar?" So it's been a very scary time, but thankfully the class I am with are lovely and we're all panicking over assignments and tapes, best bit of all it's a small class *high 5*
JBL is going really well, slow but steady which is working well for me as I can decide on what I do and when I do it with no pressure. I can't wait to graduate so I can include counselling into JBL.
I've come on a lot the past few months. I've opened up a lot more to my parents about triggers and I suppose the world of Rachael, so know it's getting the help to put what I'm ready to talk about into action. We've had a lot of fighting with services to try and get something more in place as I am worried if things don't sort out soon I will become the person I don't want to see again. Thing about opening up is you need someone to help sort it out with you and sieve through everything.
So what else has happened, I've nearly been in my flat a year, I have 3 new babies in my life (not mine, but works out better get the hugs and feeds but no so much the dirty nappies and sleepless nights) and most importantly the rugby season has started all over again.
With a relapse it's important to see what is positive still but you need to see it. There is no point other people telling you as to be honest you don't listen it's just the reassuring nod that you're listening. I know the positive influences in my life and I'm getting rid when I can of the negative ones. Recovery isn't easy but it's worth it, I would rather be on my recovery path and have a blip then be just on a relapse path and not notice the positives and keep sinking quicker to rock bottom.
The big question I'm still asked is do you think you will ever fully recover? Honestly ... no, but I do think I can manage my symptoms. My ways of coping I suppose will never be deemed "normal" which under the medical model will keep me classed as having a mental health problem, however, if society accepted that I cope by restricting my intake to cope rather than cracking open a bottle of wine after a stressful day then I wonder would things be different. I'm not okaying what I do but it's just something for you to think about, how do you cope?
Life can only move forward, I can't change the past but I can learn from my mistakes and each relapse.
Rach x x x
Monday, 24 March 2014
Thursday, 1 August 2013
When the mind goes into over drive!
Thursday 1st August 2013
08:01am
Don't know if anyone has been watching the BBC documentaries around mental health? They have been so interesting and eye opening - if you haven't watched them they're on BBCiplayer.
So they got me thinking!
Ever since I can remember I wanted to fit in and just please everyone without standing out just getting on with what ever I needed to do to just slot in. Why? Because I found relationships so hard to build and to be able to trust people. It wasn't until I entered the mental health system that this actually was associated to Borderline Personality Disorder.
When I first got ill I remember been accused of wanting to be like someone else who also had been diagnosed an ED when in fact I wanted nothing of the sort I wanted to just curl up in a corner and not be seen - I wanted to just fade away, I didn't want to be here let alone try and be someone else.
From being so desperate to fit in I'd gone to just wanting to be invisible. Now 21 I wonder how the way I was portrayed while at school those 14/15 year olds attitudes has changed. What scares me is other students in my year who were also suffering and have since been in contact from mental health issues would not ask for help due to the stick I was receiving.
I've accepted that having mental health is part of me but I'm using my journey to help others. We need to talk about mental health and not be scared to ask questions, sadly it will always be around and if we don't talk attitudes will never change. You can't see I have mental health issues which commented on but I wonder what should I look like?
Getting up in the morning is a massive step - though I'm not one to stay in bed in all day no matter how depressed I'm feeling I won't leave the house or contact people, I have my techniques to keep me motivated which always helps.
Although not at the point being permanently suicidal anymore I have my days where I contemplate what if. I'm lucky that my mental health is as under control as what it can be and I'm at a stage where I'm willing to take on therapy and battle those demons.
I just hope attitudes will change and are changing around mental health.
Rach x x x
Monday, 1 April 2013
Apologies for being me?
Monday 1st April 2013
07:12am
I can't believe in 2013 there is such a misunderstanding around mental health! Why should I have to explain or apologise for the way I am?
Officially I've had mental health issues for 8 years but realistically I've been told I've probably had issues a lot longer than before my anorexia came to a head.
I've thankfully started to get used to been that bit different from other 21 year olds but I'd rather be unique and not fit in just not in the way that I do.
Luckily my mum,dad and brother have been so understanding and know how much I have to put in to everyday. Just getting up in the morning is an effort not because I like to stay in bed but as soon as I leave the security of my room I worry about what the day will bring if I don't just hide away.
If I could snap out of how I was then I would have done a long time ago but mental health doesn't work like that your thoughts feel more powerful and controlling and will beat you at anything.
For me the worst part is the anxiety going out and feeling like your world is going to close in you could be with people you have known for years and still feel like you've never met them before and the sickness is there till you leave.
I go through phases which I don't even understand a massive one at the moment is hugs/kisses if I'm comfortable enough in small situations I may but its something which I have to talk my self through. I'd much rather mutter bye and get out which may seem rude but its how I stay safe. This only really started a couple of years ago but I link it so much with trust and where I am. I just go stiff and feel myself sweating, I've had occasions when I've not expected to be hugged or whatever and had to disappear to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling and I don't choose to be like this. Why would people think I want to be like this?
I've always said if you could be a fly on the wall in my house maybe you'd feel differently about why I am like I am. The work which my parents do to motivate me when I'm extremely low and would rather sit in the corner and cry to the days where I'm giggling for no reason and looking forward to things.
My next step is having my own place to be able to put my own motivation to others into place. I've got myself to where I am today and I'll keep on pushing and face what I have to!
It may not seem it but I am positive about how things will change. Each time I do a talk I empower myself ... I've come this far what is stopping me from keeping going?
If my 75 year old nan can be so open minded about mental health then there is hope for others and I do believe that!
Each day is a new day and brings something different as scary as that maybe!
Rach x
07:12am
I can't believe in 2013 there is such a misunderstanding around mental health! Why should I have to explain or apologise for the way I am?
Officially I've had mental health issues for 8 years but realistically I've been told I've probably had issues a lot longer than before my anorexia came to a head.
I've thankfully started to get used to been that bit different from other 21 year olds but I'd rather be unique and not fit in just not in the way that I do.
Luckily my mum,dad and brother have been so understanding and know how much I have to put in to everyday. Just getting up in the morning is an effort not because I like to stay in bed but as soon as I leave the security of my room I worry about what the day will bring if I don't just hide away.
If I could snap out of how I was then I would have done a long time ago but mental health doesn't work like that your thoughts feel more powerful and controlling and will beat you at anything.
For me the worst part is the anxiety going out and feeling like your world is going to close in you could be with people you have known for years and still feel like you've never met them before and the sickness is there till you leave.
I go through phases which I don't even understand a massive one at the moment is hugs/kisses if I'm comfortable enough in small situations I may but its something which I have to talk my self through. I'd much rather mutter bye and get out which may seem rude but its how I stay safe. This only really started a couple of years ago but I link it so much with trust and where I am. I just go stiff and feel myself sweating, I've had occasions when I've not expected to be hugged or whatever and had to disappear to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling and I don't choose to be like this. Why would people think I want to be like this?
I've always said if you could be a fly on the wall in my house maybe you'd feel differently about why I am like I am. The work which my parents do to motivate me when I'm extremely low and would rather sit in the corner and cry to the days where I'm giggling for no reason and looking forward to things.
My next step is having my own place to be able to put my own motivation to others into place. I've got myself to where I am today and I'll keep on pushing and face what I have to!
It may not seem it but I am positive about how things will change. Each time I do a talk I empower myself ... I've come this far what is stopping me from keeping going?
If my 75 year old nan can be so open minded about mental health then there is hope for others and I do believe that!
Each day is a new day and brings something different as scary as that maybe!
Rach x
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Welcome 2013
Sunday 6th January 2013
So here it is 2013!
Firstly I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year!
2012 was such an odd year! I lost 2 very special people in my life Dave Connor in June and then my Nanna in December both of who had different in puts into my life. I also had to accept my new diagnosis on top of the many I already have in order to finally receive the therapy I need to help me over come the next few hurdles which I might face. Most importantly of all though I finally got my ass into gear and founded the journey back to life.
For this I left my old job not just for my own sanity but also because I needed to put a lot of time into JBL to get it started. Despite a lot of negativity I've done it.
What do I hope 2013 will bring for me and JBL?
Well for me I just want to be able to accept my strengths and limitations and for JBL I hope to have gained funding and to also have an office space so I can have my bedroom back!
2013 will also see my close friends getting married (finally!!) and this means I can be maid of honour and can't wait for this, dresses are sorted (well sort of) but it's something for us all to look forward to. I also have 2 concerts Olly Murs and Maroon 5, so I'm guessing 2013 will be my party year.
It's weird to think I'll be 22 this august but I've always wanted my birthday to fall on a Friday (sad I know!) but I was actually born on a Friday so always counted down to when I can celebrate on a Friday.
I hope 2013 brings you lots of happiness and good luck!
Rach x
10:49am
So here it is 2013!
Firstly I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year!
2012 was such an odd year! I lost 2 very special people in my life Dave Connor in June and then my Nanna in December both of who had different in puts into my life. I also had to accept my new diagnosis on top of the many I already have in order to finally receive the therapy I need to help me over come the next few hurdles which I might face. Most importantly of all though I finally got my ass into gear and founded the journey back to life.
For this I left my old job not just for my own sanity but also because I needed to put a lot of time into JBL to get it started. Despite a lot of negativity I've done it.
What do I hope 2013 will bring for me and JBL?
Well for me I just want to be able to accept my strengths and limitations and for JBL I hope to have gained funding and to also have an office space so I can have my bedroom back!
2013 will also see my close friends getting married (finally!!) and this means I can be maid of honour and can't wait for this, dresses are sorted (well sort of) but it's something for us all to look forward to. I also have 2 concerts Olly Murs and Maroon 5, so I'm guessing 2013 will be my party year.
It's weird to think I'll be 22 this august but I've always wanted my birthday to fall on a Friday (sad I know!) but I was actually born on a Friday so always counted down to when I can celebrate on a Friday.
I hope 2013 brings you lots of happiness and good luck!
Rach x
Monday, 3 December 2012
looks can be deceiving ...
Monday 3rd December 2012
8:09pm
It's been a while since I last blogged and thought it was about time that I got down to business!
Lots has been happening over the past couple of months. the Journey Back to Life has had loads of exciting meetings to really get us moving properly. At one point I feared that this project would go no were after been told this and knocked down so turning it round and proving people wrong has been fantastic. It's hard but tell you what I'm glad I've made the step of doing this and I wouldn't change this, I just wish my close friend Dave Connor had been able to join forces with me and we could have challenged so many people together. However I have his spirit moving me a long and watching over sam and myself.
There have been a number of talks done now both in and out of area and it's amazing that there is a look that so many people think you have to have in order to have a mental health issue. I've been told over again that I can't have mental health because I'm pretty, confident, blonde and blue eyed! Seriously pretty, if I thought that then maybe I wouldn't have let bullies turn my life upside down and make me feel like crap to the point of attempted suicide, starvation and self harm, all for this attempt of being perfect. All I ever wanted to do was fit in as a child and I took this to such an extreme, so much so I didn't fit in.
When I speak to people now who were in my year at school and who now themselves have mental health issues or were struggling at school with them didn't tell anyone because of the grief I got because I was "mental" it's alarming, and now it seems more a less talked about and okay to talk about in school. Many young people don't get the option to openly talk about MH until I go in and when they come up and say something you can see the expression of relief on their face that they've told someone. Having someone of a similar age is great for them, some organisations may like to think sending in a "adult" who has read a book or may have experienced something is a great idea but how can someone really relate to that age group if their issues started later on?
Journey Back to Life has already thought ahead I know when I'm older school children aren't going to want to listen to me they want another 20 year old to come and talk to them about how things have affected them. So many people want to grow up but I'm trying to catch up with every other 21 year old out there! There are some things I'm glad I didn't do (been out on the streets at -4 is one of them, still don't see the appeal!)
A number of people have dragged me down and nearly led me back to the path of self destruction once again but I've pulled my way back up, I refuse to allow bullies to rule my life again and knock me down. My Social Enterprise will be a success and will fight for it to be one.
I just want people to realise that there isn't a certain look for mental health. The shock on people's faces when they realise I'm a self harmer is actually to the point laughable. I have plans for sessions around perceptions and looks and to be honest I think it's going to be a great activity. If I could go back to the 12 year old me and tell me what was going to become of my life I would laugh. However, crazy as it sounds mental health might have been the worst but best thing that could have happened to me.
It's so important to not judge people so quickly.
xxxxxx
8:09pm
It's been a while since I last blogged and thought it was about time that I got down to business!
Lots has been happening over the past couple of months. the Journey Back to Life has had loads of exciting meetings to really get us moving properly. At one point I feared that this project would go no were after been told this and knocked down so turning it round and proving people wrong has been fantastic. It's hard but tell you what I'm glad I've made the step of doing this and I wouldn't change this, I just wish my close friend Dave Connor had been able to join forces with me and we could have challenged so many people together. However I have his spirit moving me a long and watching over sam and myself.
There have been a number of talks done now both in and out of area and it's amazing that there is a look that so many people think you have to have in order to have a mental health issue. I've been told over again that I can't have mental health because I'm pretty, confident, blonde and blue eyed! Seriously pretty, if I thought that then maybe I wouldn't have let bullies turn my life upside down and make me feel like crap to the point of attempted suicide, starvation and self harm, all for this attempt of being perfect. All I ever wanted to do was fit in as a child and I took this to such an extreme, so much so I didn't fit in.
When I speak to people now who were in my year at school and who now themselves have mental health issues or were struggling at school with them didn't tell anyone because of the grief I got because I was "mental" it's alarming, and now it seems more a less talked about and okay to talk about in school. Many young people don't get the option to openly talk about MH until I go in and when they come up and say something you can see the expression of relief on their face that they've told someone. Having someone of a similar age is great for them, some organisations may like to think sending in a "adult" who has read a book or may have experienced something is a great idea but how can someone really relate to that age group if their issues started later on?
Journey Back to Life has already thought ahead I know when I'm older school children aren't going to want to listen to me they want another 20 year old to come and talk to them about how things have affected them. So many people want to grow up but I'm trying to catch up with every other 21 year old out there! There are some things I'm glad I didn't do (been out on the streets at -4 is one of them, still don't see the appeal!)
A number of people have dragged me down and nearly led me back to the path of self destruction once again but I've pulled my way back up, I refuse to allow bullies to rule my life again and knock me down. My Social Enterprise will be a success and will fight for it to be one.
I just want people to realise that there isn't a certain look for mental health. The shock on people's faces when they realise I'm a self harmer is actually to the point laughable. I have plans for sessions around perceptions and looks and to be honest I think it's going to be a great activity. If I could go back to the 12 year old me and tell me what was going to become of my life I would laugh. However, crazy as it sounds mental health might have been the worst but best thing that could have happened to me.
It's so important to not judge people so quickly.
xxxxxx
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Tick Tock
Sunday 28th October 2012
10:16am
So it's the time of year where the clocks go back and I actually fear. I was diagnosed with SAD in 2010 and I know this is the time of year which I have to be extra careful and watch myself a lot more than usual.
To me autumn winter = big heavy winter warmer meals, and I due put this fear down to the menu change when I was an inpatient. I like being able to eat salads and butties in the winter but as an anorexic this is deemed unexceptionable and it should be high volumes of buttery mash potato with pies. Yet if I was to eat this winter warmer in the summer nothing would be said about it!
I find it hard to sleep at the best of times so the hour back and this extra hour really does nothing for me! All I can think it it's really 11:20 now and I could be doing this this and this. It's trying to get things fixed into my routine as it always seems out of sink when the clocks are messed about. However, I love losing an hour in the summer (always said I was strange!!)
I'm continuing to set up the Journey Back to Life (journeybacktolife.org.uk) and things are looking up with it. I have some great advice from people who have been in charge of business or have high links within services and so I'm determined to make this work.
The past few months haven't really been the best for me, but some positive things have crept out of the darkness but yet I still struggle to find warmth in them.
While so many people are excited for the winter I can't wait for spring to come already! My knees have started to ache (grrr) I was talking to a friend who I was an inpatient with and looking back it's all well and good saying that I wished I'd have listened but at the time I was far to ill to listen to anyone, this is just something that I have to be able to learn from and help others to realise the consequences of anorexia.
I can't wait to have a fully fledged working business/charity/ social enterprise what ever we finally decide to be but the point is what I've learnt from my journey is massive. I was given no hope at all to even been classed as in recovery I was always told I would just learn to live in my own little inpatient world with no hope of a decent life. Well i've proven all those people wrong, yes I still have bad times but I admit to them and for once I learn from them and allow myself to work out where things started to slip so I can hopefully not have to go through anything like that again.
My biggest step has recently been took by leaving something behind which was causing lots of problems and turning me back into the person I didn't recognise.
Moving forward in a positive way is scary but it's so worth it!
Rach xxxxxxxxxxx
10:16am
So it's the time of year where the clocks go back and I actually fear. I was diagnosed with SAD in 2010 and I know this is the time of year which I have to be extra careful and watch myself a lot more than usual.
To me autumn winter = big heavy winter warmer meals, and I due put this fear down to the menu change when I was an inpatient. I like being able to eat salads and butties in the winter but as an anorexic this is deemed unexceptionable and it should be high volumes of buttery mash potato with pies. Yet if I was to eat this winter warmer in the summer nothing would be said about it!
I find it hard to sleep at the best of times so the hour back and this extra hour really does nothing for me! All I can think it it's really 11:20 now and I could be doing this this and this. It's trying to get things fixed into my routine as it always seems out of sink when the clocks are messed about. However, I love losing an hour in the summer (always said I was strange!!)
I'm continuing to set up the Journey Back to Life (journeybacktolife.org.uk) and things are looking up with it. I have some great advice from people who have been in charge of business or have high links within services and so I'm determined to make this work.
The past few months haven't really been the best for me, but some positive things have crept out of the darkness but yet I still struggle to find warmth in them.
While so many people are excited for the winter I can't wait for spring to come already! My knees have started to ache (grrr) I was talking to a friend who I was an inpatient with and looking back it's all well and good saying that I wished I'd have listened but at the time I was far to ill to listen to anyone, this is just something that I have to be able to learn from and help others to realise the consequences of anorexia.
I can't wait to have a fully fledged working business/charity/ social enterprise what ever we finally decide to be but the point is what I've learnt from my journey is massive. I was given no hope at all to even been classed as in recovery I was always told I would just learn to live in my own little inpatient world with no hope of a decent life. Well i've proven all those people wrong, yes I still have bad times but I admit to them and for once I learn from them and allow myself to work out where things started to slip so I can hopefully not have to go through anything like that again.
My biggest step has recently been took by leaving something behind which was causing lots of problems and turning me back into the person I didn't recognise.
Moving forward in a positive way is scary but it's so worth it!
Rach xxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Relapse is part of Recovery
Saturday 8th September 2012
12:19pm
The famous saying of "relapse is part of recovery" is making me realise that actually it is true.
I'm probably at my worst mood wise I have been for a while but it's took me until last week to openly admit that things weren't good. A doctors appointment for swollen glands led to a break down and an admittance of a new episode of self harm, most probably the worse I have done in a number of years, thankfully it's going down but for once I'm looking after it in an attempt for it not to scar.
I knew my recovery wouldn't be easy but I didn't think it would get me to this point now. In 2009 these feelings led to 2 suicide attempts, this time I've actually spoken to people and feel much better for doing so, although guilty as I hate people worrying about it, which makes no sense really.
I know there is a point where I will turn myself back around and appreciate what I have going on. I've heard all sorts of lovely news one which I can't say but that news made me cry with happy tears because it felt like a long fight had been won.
On Tuesday it was my Great Gran's 102nd birthday so I wonder did that date possibly set things off I know it's a trigger for me but I felt a bit more in control than what I did in a while.
Been whittled down to this person now makes me want to come out stronger. I have journey back to life to think about, my friends and family - I look forward to finding my way back up, I'm just releaved that I spotted it rather than letting it carry on to something which could have been much uglier.
Rach xxx
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