Apologies for being me?

Monday 1st April 2013
07:12am

I can't believe in 2013 there is such a misunderstanding around mental health! Why should I have to explain or apologise for the way I am?

Officially I've had mental health issues for 8 years but realistically I've been told I've probably had issues a lot longer than before my anorexia came to a head.

I've thankfully started to get used to been that bit different from other 21 year olds but I'd rather be unique and not fit in just not in the way that I do.

Luckily my mum,dad and brother have been so understanding and know how much I have to put in to everyday. Just getting up in the morning is an effort not because I like to stay in bed but as soon as I leave the security of my room I worry about what the day will bring if I don't just hide away.

If I could snap out of how I was then I would have done a long time ago but mental health doesn't work like that your thoughts feel more powerful and controlling and will beat you at anything.

For me the worst part is the anxiety going out and feeling like your world is going to close in you could be with people you have known for years and still feel like you've never met them before and the sickness is there till you leave.

I go through phases which I don't even understand a massive one at the moment is hugs/kisses if I'm comfortable enough in small situations I may but its something which I have to talk my self through. I'd much rather mutter bye and get out which may seem rude but its how I stay safe. This only really started a couple of years ago but I link it so much with trust and where I am. I just go stiff and feel myself sweating, I've had occasions when I've not expected to be hugged or whatever and had to disappear to be sick. It's such a horrible feeling and I don't choose to be like this. Why would people think I want to be like this?

I've always said if you could be a fly on the wall in my house maybe you'd feel differently about why I am like I am. The work which my parents do to motivate me when I'm extremely low and would rather sit in the corner and cry to the days where I'm giggling for no reason and looking forward to things.

My next step is having my own place to be able to put my own motivation to others into place. I've got myself to where I am today and I'll keep on pushing and face what I have to!

It may not seem it but I am positive about how things will change. Each time I do a talk I empower myself ... I've come this far what is stopping me from keeping going?

If my 75 year old nan can be so open minded about mental health then there is hope for others and I do believe that!

Each day is a new day and brings something different as scary as that maybe!

Rach x