7 months on ...

Monday 24th March 2014
12:02pm

A good friend of mine mentioned the other day that I hadn't blogged for a while.  Didn't realise it had been 7 months!

So what's been happening!?

I started my Foundation Degree Course in Counselling (eek!!)  Honestly it started off rocky, I think I had my BPD head on for a while, trying to protect myself and knowing that I'd be with these people for the next three years of my life.  The last time I was in a class environment lasting longer than a year was school.  I managed to do a lot of independent study when I went back to college after my OD in 2009 but even that wasn't the best experience.  I was still being prodded and poked around the decision of "does she has a personality disorder or is she Bipolar?"  So it's been a very scary time, but thankfully the class I am with are lovely and we're all panicking over assignments and tapes, best bit of all it's a small class *high 5*

JBL is going really well, slow but steady which is working well for me as I can decide on what I do and when I do it with no pressure.  I can't wait to graduate so I can include counselling into JBL.

I've come on a lot the past few months.  I've opened up a lot more to my parents about triggers and I suppose the world of Rachael, so know it's getting the help to put what I'm ready to talk about into action. We've had a lot of fighting with services to try and get something more in place as I am worried if things don't sort out soon I will become the person I don't want to see again. Thing about opening up is you need someone to help sort it out with you and sieve through everything.

So what else has happened, I've nearly been in my flat a year, I have 3 new babies in my life (not mine, but works out better get the hugs and feeds but no so much the dirty nappies and sleepless nights) and most importantly the rugby season has started all over again.

With a relapse it's important to see what is positive still but you need to see it.  There is no point other people telling you as to be honest you don't listen it's just the reassuring nod that you're listening.  I know the positive influences in my life and I'm getting rid when I can of the negative ones.  Recovery isn't easy but it's worth it, I would rather be on my recovery path and have a blip then be just on a relapse path and not notice the positives and keep sinking quicker to rock bottom.

The big question I'm still asked is do you think you will ever fully recover?  Honestly ... no, but I do think I can manage my symptoms.  My ways of coping I suppose will never be deemed "normal" which under the medical model will keep me classed as having a mental health problem, however, if society accepted that I cope by restricting my intake to cope rather than cracking open a bottle of wine after a stressful day then I wonder would things be different.  I'm not okaying what I do but it's just something for you to think about, how do you cope?

Life can only move forward, I can't change the past but I can learn from my mistakes and each relapse.

Rach x x x