Welcome 2013

Sunday 6th January 2013

10:49am

So here it is 2013!

Firstly I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year!

2012 was such an odd year! I lost 2 very special people in my life Dave Connor in June and then my Nanna in December both of who had different in puts into my life.  I also had to accept my new diagnosis on top of the many I already have in order to finally receive the therapy I need to help me over come the next few hurdles which I might face.  Most importantly of all though I finally got my ass into gear and founded the journey back to life.

For this I left my old job not just for my own sanity but also because I needed to put a lot of time into JBL to get it started.  Despite a lot of negativity I've done it.

What do I hope 2013 will bring for me and JBL?

Well for me I just want to be able to accept my strengths and limitations and for JBL I hope to have gained funding and to also have an office space so I can have my bedroom back!

2013 will also see my close friends getting married (finally!!) and this means I can be maid of honour and can't wait for this, dresses are sorted (well sort of) but it's something for us all to look forward to. I also have 2 concerts Olly Murs and Maroon 5, so I'm guessing 2013 will be my party year.

It's weird to think I'll be 22 this august but I've always wanted my birthday to fall on a Friday (sad I know!) but I was actually born on a Friday so always counted down to when I can celebrate on a Friday.

I hope 2013 brings you lots of happiness and good luck!

Rach x

looks can be deceiving ...

Monday 3rd December 2012
8:09pm

It's been a while since I last blogged and thought it was about time that I got down to business!

Lots has been happening over the past couple of months.  the Journey Back to Life has had loads of exciting meetings to really get us moving properly.  At one point I feared that this project would go no were after been told this and knocked down so turning it round and proving people wrong has been fantastic.  It's hard but tell you what I'm glad I've made the step of doing this and I wouldn't change this, I just wish my close friend Dave Connor had been able to join forces with me and we could have challenged so many people together.  However I have his spirit moving me a long and watching over sam and myself.

There have been a number of talks done now both in and out of area and it's amazing that there is a look that so many people think you have to have in order to have a mental health issue.  I've been told over again that I can't have mental health because I'm pretty, confident, blonde and blue eyed! Seriously pretty, if I thought that then maybe I wouldn't have let bullies turn my life upside down and make me feel like crap to the point of attempted suicide, starvation and self harm, all for this attempt of being perfect.  All I ever wanted to do was fit in as a child and I took this to such an extreme, so much so I didn't fit in.

When I speak to people now who were in my year at school and who now themselves have mental health issues or were struggling at school with them didn't tell anyone because of the grief I got because I was "mental" it's alarming, and now it seems more a less talked about and okay to talk about in school.  Many young people don't get the option to openly talk about MH until I go in and when they come up and say something you can see the expression of relief on their face that they've told someone.  Having someone of a similar age is great for them, some organisations may like to think sending in a "adult" who has read a book or may have experienced something is a great idea but how can someone really relate to that age group if their issues started later on?

Journey Back to Life has already thought ahead I know when I'm older school children aren't going to want to listen to me they want another 20 year old to come and talk to them about how things have affected them. So many people want to grow up but I'm trying to catch up with every other 21 year old out there!  There are some things I'm glad I didn't do (been out on the streets at -4 is one of them, still don't see the appeal!)

A number of people have dragged me down and nearly led me back to the path of self destruction once again but I've pulled my way back up, I refuse to allow bullies to rule my life again and knock me down.  My Social Enterprise will be a success and will fight for it to be one.

I just want people to realise that there isn't a certain look for mental health.  The shock on people's faces when they realise I'm a self harmer is actually to the point laughable.  I have plans for sessions around perceptions and looks and to be honest I think it's going to be a great activity.  If I could go back to the 12 year old me and tell me what was going to become of my life I would laugh.  However, crazy as it sounds mental health might have been the worst but best thing that could have happened to me.

It's so important to not judge people so quickly.

xxxxxx

Tick Tock

Sunday 28th October 2012
10:16am

So it's the time of year where the clocks go back and I actually fear.  I was diagnosed with SAD in 2010 and I know this is the time of year which I have to be extra careful and watch myself a lot more than usual.

To me autumn winter = big heavy winter warmer meals, and I due put this fear down to the menu change when I was an inpatient.  I like being able to eat salads and butties in the winter but as an anorexic this is deemed unexceptionable and it should be high volumes of buttery mash potato with pies.  Yet if I was to eat this winter warmer in the summer nothing would be said about it!

I find it hard to sleep at the best of times so the hour back and this extra hour really does nothing for me!  All I can think it it's really 11:20 now and I could be doing this this and this.  It's trying to get things fixed into my routine as it always seems out of sink when the clocks are messed about.  However, I love losing an hour in the summer (always said I was strange!!)

I'm continuing to set up the Journey Back to Life (journeybacktolife.org.uk) and things are looking up with it.  I have some great advice from people who have been in charge of business or have high links within services and so I'm determined to make this work.

The past few months haven't really been the best for me, but some positive things have crept out of the darkness but yet I still struggle to find warmth in them.

While so many people are excited for the winter I can't wait for spring to come already!  My knees have started to ache (grrr) I was talking to a friend who I was an inpatient with and looking back it's all well and good saying that I wished I'd have listened but at the time I was far to ill to listen to anyone, this is just something that I have to be able to learn from and help others to realise the consequences of anorexia.

I can't wait to have a fully fledged working business/charity/ social enterprise what ever we finally decide to be but the point is what I've learnt from my journey is massive.  I was given no hope at all to even been classed as in recovery I was always told I would just learn to live in my own little inpatient world with no hope of a decent life.  Well i've proven all those people wrong, yes I still have bad times but I admit to them and for once I learn from them and allow myself to work out where things started to slip so I can hopefully not have to go through anything like that again.

My biggest step has recently been took by leaving something behind which was causing lots of problems and turning me back into the person I didn't recognise.

Moving forward in a positive way is scary but it's so worth it!

Rach xxxxxxxxxxx

Relapse is part of Recovery

Saturday 8th September 2012
12:19pm

The famous saying of "relapse is part of recovery" is making me realise that actually it is true.

I'm probably at my worst mood wise I have been for a while but it's took me until last week to openly admit that things weren't good.  A doctors appointment for swollen glands led to a break down and an admittance of a new episode of self harm, most probably the worse I have done in a number of years, thankfully it's going down but for once I'm looking after it in an attempt for it not to scar.

I knew my recovery wouldn't be easy but I didn't think it would get me to this point now.  In 2009 these feelings led to 2 suicide attempts, this time I've actually spoken to people and feel much better for doing so, although guilty as I hate people worrying about it, which makes no sense really.

I know there is a point where I will turn myself back around and appreciate what I have going on.  I've heard all sorts of lovely news one which I can't say but that news made me cry with happy tears because it felt like a long fight had been won.

On Tuesday it was my Great Gran's 102nd birthday so I wonder did that date possibly set things off I know it's a trigger for me but I felt a bit more in control than what I did in a while.

Been whittled down to this person now makes me want to come out stronger.  I have journey back to life to think about, my friends and family - I look forward to finding my way back up, I'm just releaved that I spotted it rather than letting it carry on to something which could have been much uglier.

Rach xxx

Is this serious?

Monday 6th August 2012
8:42pm

As many if you would he seen via Facebook I've made reference to the new fad diet know as the "drip diet"

Basically this involves a nasal gastric tube (NGT) being inserted via someone's nose, down their throat and into the stomach.

NGT are normally used as a last resort for many to help gain weight for example prem babies, cancer patients and from personal experience those who have an eating disorder.

However a doctor has thought up a great way of making money by selling the NGT as a way of losing weight! Starve yourself basically for 10 - 15 days and be drip fed 100 - 800 calories a day. An anorexic dream most probably in many cases however celebrities are using this new method to get into dresses and brides to be are also using it! It's shocking that weight is making such a focus.

NGT have their dangers and so does starvation in such a drastic way. My experience with it was negative min you what anorexic I hear you ask wants to be force fed anyway? I don't mean it like that I mean it tore my stomach lining, it was thought thy had punctured one of my organs and it left me with severe acid reflux worse of all I still have days I wish it was still there the ease of not having to eat and relying on a tube and a bag of fluid to most there is no appeal.

I remember begging for my NGT to be put back in when eating got tough but it's not the answer and I'm aware of that. I'm glad I can make myself eat now but the thoughts around that process are still there!

If I could live a full functioning life without eating I would but I can't I want to live and food is what helps me to do that! I've had to build a new relationship with food and learn to deal with situations like many people with anorexia may tell you it's like a new relationship with anything it's the trust factor.

I feel sorry for those who will resort to this drip diet as in a way it's creating a new generation of eating disorders. As a nation we're encouraging healthy eating but this isn't what we wanted!

You can eat crisps and chocolate but in moderation! I always tell the people I speak to that don't deprive yourselves life is way to short!

I hope you can see my point of view on this I really do!

Well back to the wolves match!

Xxxxxxx

To a very special friend ....

Sunday 1st July 2012
9:21am

On Wednesday we heard the sad news that a beloved friend had passed away. The news got to everyone at WDP, we're still in shock and I'm wondering when the news will sink in properly or of it ever will.

The last person I lost deeply close to me was my grannynanny who will be with me forever not just in my head and heart but also with the tattoo on my back. I couldn't keep my promise to her to stay well at the time but I want to be able to do Dave proud and keep up with everything.

Work became a hard place to be in due to the fact myself and Dave had been made redundant on the same day but the difference was I still had some hours while Dave was just counting down the days till he could start his business.

Dave was so special to me and so many people it still doesn't seem really. It's hard to talk about him at home as no one here knows him. I constantly feel nub and unable to talk, it's horrible!

We partied hard on Friday night on dave's memory getting in bars through the back entrance while laughing and joking about mr Connor himself. Drinks all round and dancing galore! Haha!

Me and rach stayed over at a travel lodge and had a chat the following morning. Rach knew Dave far longer than I did but we both share the same thoughts about him! (other than the selfish Bugga going before he bought us all around)

Dave you will never be forgotten, these feelings I'm hoping will move on. We all cope with death in different ways but we are all pulling together.

RIP Mr Connor! You got your wish a blog about you! This was going to happen in August when you had carried the flame! You will most probably we holding it high while you watch over us.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What do you think when ...

Thursday 21st June 2012
7:39pm

I say self harm? Does it send a shiver down your spine and the word attention seeker pops into your head or are you a little more sympathetic?

Self harm has been a part of my life for more than I can remember but throughout the time the stigma has never seemed to change! Thankfully No Secrets is around now something which wasn't when mine began.

At the moment I'm currently struggling with my self harming due to emotions which seem to be way out of control but believe it or not self harm at the times doesn't hurt. I go into this zone but for those moments after my thoughts are on the physical pain and sorting out the cuts.

I suppose my self harm also comes through my eating. Restricting my diet again brings back a pain which I sense differently my anorexia will probably be always there some may recover fully but I personally believe I never will I will learn to manage.

If you get offered the No Secrets training then do it, it will open your eyes into our world.

Some people have a glass of wine to get over a shit day others may smoke more than usual I cut and restrict my diet. However my methods are socially still unacceptable while smoking and drinking is fine.

I've lost people because they can't bare the thought of me hurting myself and wish I would talk but in a strange way my self harm is me talking.

My starvation is often seen more socially acceptable and I do believe that's the media or journalists who think being skinny is the best thing ever. When in fact it's being happy.

Some of the most lovely people I have met in hospital but yet I much prefer them now ... I like my happy healthier friends, I like hearing that they're living life finally despite not seeing them everyday or seeing them once a hospital admission has ended but what's important is that we still contact each other on those bad days to check its okay and not a sign of worse things to come.

All I have to say is ask if you don't understand, I have mental health issues I'm not a monster.

I thank everyone who has supported me throughout my journey :)) you know I love you all xxxxxxxxxxxx