30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Sunday 7th September 2014

01:25pm

Day 11:

What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

I think the worst thing for me is the stigma which people have seem to have when they found out about BPD.

Despite what I have been through when I need to ask professionally I do.  Sadly people believe that I would completely melt down, take on their problems and then if I felt like try and attack them.  Believe me this is not the case.

I struggle to see who I am without taking my diagnosis into account, so it helps when people let me know and see me when things are going downhill.  What hurts is when people use my diagnosis against me and believe they know me better than me.  For those of you who know the situation I am currently in you will see how this fits perfectly in to the worst thing!

I suppose with my anorexia the worst thing is not being able to go out with people who have never seen me eat.  The panic that comes over me is horrible.  I can now thankfully drink in front of people but even that took a while. 

When the worst things happen though it's important that I do remember the good things.  Tomorrow is always another day.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

Saturday 6th September 2014

09:17am

Day 10

What is the best thing in regards to your mental illness(es)?

The best thing I suppose is the friends I have made through my journey, the next best thing is the awareness raising I have been able to do around the issues which I have.  I have managed to built the confidence to be able to try and help ensure that at least one person doesn't have to go through the hell which I went through with services.

I have been able to help a lot of families which again is another good thing which has come from my journey.

Living with a mental health issues doesn't have to be all bad.  Once you start to understand and accept who you are things start to make sense you can at times see the positive side of mental health.  I often wonder if this didn't happen to me would I be as open minded to mental health as I am now?  I would like to think I would be.

Rachael x

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 9

Friday 5th September 2014
08:14am

Day 9
What are some of the important events in your life, that may have effected your mental illness(es) for the worse or better? (You can make a timeline)

The first major event was the death of my grannynanny (great gran) which I think was the straw that broke the camels back.  It wasn't like I'd never experienced death what I found harder was the fact I couldn't help her.  I was older and more aware about what death was, it was sad to see it was her body which gave up on her, her head was fine, she could still remember everyone, still tell us stories but what I was shocked about was the fact she was one of the first extended family members that ever pulled me up about my weight loss.  She was so understanding about it all and that was the type of person she was.  Still to this day I miss her.  Her photo is on the drawers next to my bed and I truly believe she is my guardian angel.  Those of you who know me well will know how much I thought of her.

GCSEs were a major stress, I felt the pressure, whether it was intentional or not from teachers I felt like if I failed it would be the end of the world.  My life would be over.  I put so much pressure on myself to ensure that work was perfect I would delete full documents of work if I got anything wrong, would rip up course work if I wasn't happy with the effort I'd put into it, which would mean I was up all night then back to school in the morning.  Realistically I know I'm not an A* student straight through, but I like to try and reach as close to that.  How I was then does impact on my assignments now for uni as the thought of handing it in for a read through is a massive no no, the amount of time I spend on assignments already and working up to the point where I don't delete a full document if that red line comes under a incorrect spelled word, despite the fact I really punish myself (mentally) I haven't got the top marks, realistically I'm glad that I'm passing a higher education course.

A massive positive though was when I passed my driving test, it gave me the independence to be able to get out and feel that freedom.  My car is everything to me, which sounds so sad, but I rely on it heavily especially as I'm terrified of using public transport on my own. Then last year I was successful in getting my flat again such a massive move leaving my parents house, but it had to be done.  My relationship with my parents has massively improved, not that we weren't close before but I started to see them more as my carers rather than my parents.

There have been more recent events which have had a negative impact such as the problems I had with a previous job, the death of a good friend, attitudes of "professionals" about my mental health and then other "smaller" things but seem to matter a lot to me and can have a major impact on my day.

Ending with positives which have had a good impact are my lovely cats, being a Young DPULO Ambassador, the Journey Back to Life, when I can helping at Nursery and I think most importantly my family and friends who have stuck by me no matter what.

It's important for me to remember when I'm struggling to think tomorrow is a new day. 

It is possible to live life with mental health issues, I really hope I can be an example of this.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

Thursday 4th September 2014

07:47am

Day 8:

What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

At 14 I was diagnosed with anorexia Nervosa, looking back I'd been struggling about a year before I was diagnosed, it was noticed by school first on a school trip to Belgium.  OCD was also brought into the mix a few months later.

At 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, again looking at that I had been depressed longer, since before my problems with anorexia started but I was also self harming which went unnoticed for a long time.

At 20 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Now I accept my diagnosis when I've looked back through my childhood I've been showing signs, which for me is actually really scary knowing that from a young age parts of my illness were already developing.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 7

Wednesday 3rd September 2014
08:17am

Day 7: 
Do you think there are any triggers or patterns to how your illness(es) effects you?

I'm thankful that I am now able to spot when I'm starting to struggle.  Sometimes though it can just happen and I have no idea what has caused it.

To name a couple due to my experience in education, I really struggle with anything to do with it.  Which is a problem at the moment since I'm doing my Foundation Degree in Counselling.  A classroom setting really freaks me out, yet when I'm doing my talks it's different because I'm in control at the front and know if things get to much I can leave, sadly at uni this doesn't seem to be appropriate and sadly due to the course it is being used against me.  Handing work in is huge, knowing I spent hours doing GCSE work which set off my OCD as it needed to be perfect, we have a chance to have our worked looked at (40%) but even that I panic with as the thought of been told it's not good enough.  The amount of times I start and restart work is unbelievable but I'm putting myself back through it in order to reach my dream, sadly I think the effort I do put in is overlooked due to my mental health. 

Unknown situations have a huge impact especially if I bump into people or come across things who have had a negative impact on journey, but thankfully I have great support who are normally with me when these situations arrive.

Being out of my routine also has an impact, so I'm glad the summer holidays are now over! I've been like that for as long as I can remember probably the only child who hated the summer holidays but yet was reluctant to go back to school.

I think a big thing which I only noticed over the past year or so is actually doing too much - I love to keep busy to be able to keep my mind on other things but this can also have its problems as I wear myself down and am unable to process things properly.

Strangely enough at the moment I'm missing my parents who are away at the moment, when I lived with them I really struggled to admit that I was struggling but now it seems to be a lot easier.  Over the past few days I've had phone calls over things which could really impact on my future and knowing they're not back to talk through things actually led me in a panic on Monday sobbing, felt like I'd gone back to when I was a child and needing my mummy and daddy.  After this low I went on a massive high (the joys of BPD) although this led me to having slightly more fun decorating Jayne and Bean's house for their 50th!

There are a few more which I leave mentioning as I could go on.  What is important to remember though is everyone has different triggers or things which can make a good day flip into a horrendous day or start a downward spiral into something.  There are occasions when I've woke up just in a horrendous mood I don't mean like "getting up on the wrong side of the bed" which can be really scary.  Everyone is so different and what doesn't affect me could really impact on someone else.

So I've been keeping up with the challenge for a week - let's hope I can carry on remembering to do it.

Thanks for reading.

Rach x

30 Day Challenge -- Day 6

Tuesday 2nd September 2014

09:35am

Day 6

Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?

From what we know there is know known family history of mental health issues, but after watching "Secrets from the Asylum" on ITV over the past couple of weeks I do wonder.  It seems odd that it can only start with me.

What worries me is when I have children do they have a higher chance of having a mental health issues?  Not that there is anything to be ashamed of it would just break my heart to see them go through what I have. 

I think you have family members which you worry about, recently my Grandad was in a bad way after my Nan died and was admitted to hospital, but there had been nothing before.  Speaking to doctors it came across that this was a common occurrence (more than I think is openly admitted) to the older generation as they have lived with their partner for all there life and have never really experienced living alone and it's the fear of the unknown.  The generation who struggled to accepted mental health and still used Asylums are now feeling pressure about how they have to cope.

Maybe in a few years I would look into the history of my family, we look at our family tree and talk about that but looking into the past around mental health would be really interesting.  I suppose what does scare me though is how I reacted when I saw an old record of the people in Winwick, what is now Hollins Park in Warrington.  There was a lady who was in due to lack of appetite, when you look now you have to wonder could this have possibly been an eating disorder?  How she was described I remember it just been heartbreaking, she had a photo of when she went in and then nothing when she left - this was normally a sign that she had died while in there.

Yes, the mental health system has changed but I still believe there is a long way to go with understanding .

Rach x

30 Day Challenge - Day 5

Monday 1st September 2014
09:09am

Day 5 

Do you believe nature (biology/physiology), nurture (environment), a mix, or something else has an impact on mental health?

To be honest I think there is a mix of both.  Kings College in London are currently looking into anorexia called the "Charlotte's Helix" to see if there is any common links between those who do have illness.  I sent off my interest in taking part, got my letter through over the weekend to see if I still want to be part of it and have emailed them back to say I'm still interested.

There is then a nurture, it's not necessarily how my parents brought me up I see it more of other influences such as school and general growing up.  I was a very sensitive child (which is now a link to BPD) and really struggled with my peers at school.

Outside influences I think have a major part, bullying has had a massive impact on my mental health, from a young age I've practically been told that I'm not good enough, I was to fat, I was to quiet etc etc, and I think after a while when you've been told that so many times it knocks any confidence down and if you are more likely to suffer from a mental health problem (looking at biology) then of course something has to give.

It is an interesting question and I know many people will have a massive difference of opinion in what causes mental health issues.

Rach x